Have Fibromyalgia, Thinking That I Should Not Marry

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I am a 36 year old woman and I have come to a place of realizing that I probably would not be able to take good care of children if I had them. And now, I am questioning whether I even have the strength to be a good wife. I can't even take good care of a fish right now. I am having to give my fish back to the pet store. I can't keep up with household chores very well. Also, I am currently unable to work, and this might continue in the future. I have had fibromyalgia for 15 years. Does anyone who met their spouse after a diagnosis have any advice for me as someone who might or might not still consider marriage? I am so tired all the time. I have a romantic heart and I would really like to marry, but I question whether I would make a good wife with this illness. Any advice is appreciated.

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  • Posted

    Hi Amanda. Well sweetie, your question will need to be not will I make a good wife, but will he make a good husband? Does he have the necessary empathy and love to support you. You had no choice in developing FM and therefore it will be an important part of your marital 'resume'. So if you meet the right man Amanda, he will have to meet your criteria as well. A relationship is not one sided. By what you have stated, it sounds like you must have chronic fatigue that often goes along with FM. So you need to be reasonable and kind and accepting with your limitations. It is a hard pill to swallow I know. I have bouts of CF so I know the challenges of feeling always wiped out. I think one thing that has helped me over the years, is to try to concentrate on what I can do and not what I can't. You will have days where you can get a little more done. And as to your goldfish sweetie, keep him in your bedroom close to your bed, with his food. I think it gives you a bit of motivation to have to care for him and change the water or whatever is involved. Try to stop worrying also about what may or may not be in your future sweetie. Life has many twists and turns. I never thought I would marry again after my first failed marriage. That was not a supportive or empathetic relationship. I married again when I was 47 and moved across the world to Australia. Never in a thousand years would I have thought that things would turn out that way. It is not a perfect union, but there is no perfect marriage Amanda. He comes with his own baggage and set of problems as well. But my husband is very understanding regarding my limitations. So you cannot predict what can happen in life Amanda. I have great faith in my Creator as well and that has been my biggest support and comfort. He has a plan for this earth and I know he will intervene. So never despair Amanda. Trust in your ability to weather your storms and to endure. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Warm gentle hugs! Maggie xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you very much for your kind words. :-) I also am a person who believes in God, and he keeps me going through some hard times. :-) I guess if there is someone that God wants for me to marry, he will help me to be the right person for that man. In the past, boyfriends have expressed serious concerns about my fibromyalgia. I also have been wondering if I might also have chronic fatigue syndrome in addition to the fibromyalgia.
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    • Posted

      As humans we all need to have Hope in our lives Amanda. Never give up. Yes CF is a real possibility. Read up on it as much as possible and there is good advice on how to cope. Eat very healthy and try to stay clear of fast foods or junk food. We tend to crave what is not good for us. Clean eating is the best for us. Try not to have sugar as well Amanda because it tends to sap our energy. Replace it with natural honey or Maple Syrup. Do research on a healthy diet for FM sufferers. Hope you have a better sweet sweetie. Maggie xx
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    • Posted

      Hello Amanda, Maggie can always find the right words, she would make a great partner for someone with this horrible condition.  smile

      Fibro affects us all in different ways and I am one of the very lucky one's who really does have a supportive husband.  Having said that, I am 69 years old and my husband is 73 so being retired we really don't have commitments as such, children are grown up and living their own lives and so there is only ourselves to think about.  

      I was diagnosed with Fibro about 20 years ago, so although I was already married by that time, I had suffered with RA and Osteo arthritis since my 20's then following a car crash in 1987 was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis and finally had to give up work.  You never know,  a relationship with the right person, could help you and give you the boost you need.  I wish you all the luck in the world, come on here and have a chat whenever you want.  Big gentle hugs x

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the kind words, Maggie. :-)

      I definitely want to check in to whether or not I might also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and the tips about eating cleaner are very helpful. :-) You are so kind! :-)

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  • Posted

    Hi Amanda, I would love to say something positive but chronic illness and relationships are not the best of friends. I've never married or had children. Im not sure I would want someone to "put up" with this horrible condition. Not when they don't have to. It makes you insecure and depressed and the intense pain makes me snappy and I have found that being on my own is easier than the stress of continually having to explain that you can't do things and "letting people down" there is a lot to be said for being single. The remote control, all of the bed ( I have a superking and wriggle all round it throughout the night) waking other people up all night from getting up every half hour and switching the light on etc. Etc. Etc.

    Im also an incurable romantic but men and illness don't fare well in my experience. I know there are loads of lucky peeps on here who have a wonderful hubby but my reality is exactly the same as yours. 

    Perhaps yours will be different though! Hoping you find what you need

    celia xx

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  • Posted

    My experience may be of help to you and others. My new partner had three children before she knew that she had FM but two of them now have FM. Seems this in her genes sadly

    Cheers Richard

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  • Posted

    I too thought the same thing about kids and relationships. Now I regret my decisions as I and 43. There are good days and bad. But kids give you a reason to get up. I was in a major flare a few years ago when I made my decision. Then I started helping my sister our watching my niece. I came ho.e exhausted but I got up and did it the next day and again after that. Now she is starting school and I will miss the times we shared. I ended my relationship because I thought I couldn't do it. No energy to be what he wanted.I now know that I just didn't have the right guy. And now it's too late for me to have children. I am now looking at finding someone again. I don't want you to look back with regret like I am. There is a will when there is a way.

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    • Posted

      I would personally feel very guilty if l had FM and knowingly passed it on to my children just because I wanted children but it is obviously a very personal decision.

      Cheers Richard

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    • Posted

      I have wrestled with that thought for years ... Not every child born to a parent with Fibromyalgia gets it. Of a family of 6 siblings, my mother is the only one who got it, and I got it, but my brother either did not get it or has a mild case of it.
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  • Posted

    Amanda, I know exactly how you feel, and I'm a couple of years older than you, I can't remember when the last time I went on a date. I barely go out with friends let alone anyone else. I make excuses to not go, when all I want to say is I'm in a lot of pain. Sadly I have so called friends who aren't there for me and I'm always bending over backwards for everyone, so if I say my back is hurting there's is hurting more, and I think to myself since when was this a competition? Anyway I refuse to believe that I will be sad and all alone, so slowly slowly I am introducing things back in, once I feel mentally strong I will go back I hope into the dating game, I want to get married and have kids or at least one and so I hope there is someone out there for me, and I hope you don't give up, there is someone for everyone stay strong! X

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  • Posted

    Hi when I meet my now husband I was going though a really good time I

    Felt fine could do all the things I used to do before I had FM then with

    personal loss in my family my husband mum had cancer my husband

    went to bits I gave up my own grief to help him though in turn my FM

    Came back big time we was living together at that time did he give me

    any support No I knew in my heart this was never ever going to work

    But by that time my own family what was left turned there back on me

    I was scared if I left my now husband would kill himself so I went

    though with the marriage big mistake.

    Only you know how surportive your to be husband surports you my

    husband makes all right sounds to other people but when it comes

    do doing anything nothing I have to do everything inside and out if I

    don't do it don't get done I have three dogs they are hard work but at the

    same time they give the reason to carry on.

    Please don't get rid of your fish I now its hard but with FM I know we need

    rest but at the same time need a reason to make us get up a push on

    like I have already said only you know how surportive your to be

    husband would be talk to him see how he feel about your FM don't know

    if you live together or not but maybe an idea whatever happens I wish

    you luck really hope you get some relief from your FM and loads of

    happiness

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