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Having trouble reconciling with my husband

Posted , 12 users are following.

janet62590
janet62590

I and my husband are having fights almost every day. We try to hide it from our kids but sometimes it was really tough to do. I'm not really sure what's the root cause of our fights but somehow we always manage to start a fight with very little things that don't really matter. I've lost some weight because of our frequent fights and I'm scared that I am turning to a bad mother for my kids. I'm asking for any advice on how I can resolve the issues with my husband.

2 likes, 20 replies

20 Replies

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  • mike09523
    mike09523 janet62590

    Posted

    Hi Janet, 

    Often fights/arguments are a way of testing the strength of a relationship. You/he place an obstacle in your paths,  and how it is solved offers insight to each others commitment.

    "Don't go to bed on an argument" ,is a wise age old piece of advise, I would also add "don't go to work half way through an argument", neither.

    If the marriage is truly only for the sake of the children then an agreement needs to be sorted for the type of relationship you both want.

    Mike.

  • abby80210
    abby80210 janet62590

    Posted

    Hi Janet. 

    You have made the first step !

    You don't say if it's just you that wants to resolve this issue or both yourself and your husband?

    You can do it , but you both have to accept the present state before change can happen. 

    Maybe a good place to start is by remembering all the good things you liked about each other and being honest to each other about what has changed before moving on to why.

    Please try, it's amazing how we have the answers but we don't always know how to find them.

  • Yuki50
    Yuki50 janet62590

    Posted

    Hi Janet, I’ve so been where your at. I’m Married 40yrs. My hubby the same way. We’ve fought so much I don’t know when where not fighting. But my hubby just had 2 back to back hip replacements.   He is in 4 months with the second one. His first was November of last year. Also for 40 years he’s been a  heavy drinker . Now I’m so proud of him because he hasn’t had a drink in 16 months. But I’m getting the back lash from it. And of course his pain. You see I’ve had to do everything, cut the grass, clean gutters,pressure clan house, cook , clean, and work 40 to 56 hours a week. And he’s OCD, so I had no help. He’s mood swings are hard to take. I find just giving him space helps. Also helps me too. Sometimes we can go weeks without talking, I know sounds bad but it isn’t. I let him come to me and express his feelings. I try not to take things too personal. It’s hard I can tell you that. But sometimes I just think of the good times we had, it makes the wait better when we talk. I never bring up stuff from the past, because you can’t fix the pass. So my advice is talk when you both are calmer, don’t bring up last week, or 2 years ago. Work on what was bothering you, that made you mad at each other. And give some space, to each other.  Hey I didn’t make it 40yrs without some space. Good luck I find this forum very helpful, keep seeking advice. 
  • borderriever
    borderriever janet62590

    Posted

    Janet

    Life and work choices are hard and when children are involved we find we have little time for each other. and that prevents time to talk over our days and sort things before they blow up and become unsolvable.

    You need couple time where you can talk over what is bothering you., try and arrange a night out or send the kids to people who can give you some two time to discuss your problems.

    Never go to bed on a problem, in other words argue instead of pillow talk, wake up to a cuddle and a kiss.

    Regards your weight keep an eye on it as you try and move on

    BOB

  • janet62590
    janet62590

    Posted

    Thank you all for your support! I appreciate it so much! I can actually relate to you Yuki because my husband is also OCD. I had a heart-to-heart discussion with him last night and we came up with an agreement that we weren't like this before at all and we both want to change it. That's how we came up with trying couples counseling. Since we really don't know the roots of our fights, it would be really helpful to have a <a href="https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/how-much-does-couple-counseling-cost/">mediator</a> help us resolve our conflicts. This is a major step for us as a couple. I really hope it would work.

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 janet62590

      Posted

      Hi Janet, glad to hear your working on the issue with hubby. I can be daunting at times. Like I said before what works for one couple might not work for another, but sounds like he’s willing to talk, that’s a great first step. I’ve been there and boy if it wasn’t for Love I’d been outta heat long ago. Marriage is hard work! Dating is not, it too easy to walk away. Remember something with fighting for is a good marriage, by the way anyone that’s tells you they never fight with there spouse is flat out lying. A good fight is healthy, and making up better. Good luck if you need anything there are a lot of great people in this forum, they’ve helped me.
    • borderriever
      borderriever janet62590

      Posted

      Janet

      Well done with your decision to seek help. We all go through bad patches, we have been married for forty years nearly and I do not know how normal we would have been if we had had no difficult times in our lives together. Your Husband has problems and you will both need help to square the circle.

      Good Luck

      BOB

  • brigita06202
    brigita06202 janet62590

    Posted

    Actually i know how you feel.. i have been with my partner for more than 4 years and we get to the point where we almost giving up.. we had these fights and could never stop myself.. always thinking why is he not listening? Why this? Why that? 

    Imagining loosing him.. not having him is one of the worst thing could happened to me .. it would tear me apart...

    Im trying to control myself now.. every small thing makes me angry and annoyed but I realised that in relationship the communication is the most important thing.. 

    You have to sit down and listen to each other without interruption without shouting..

    Trying to understand each other is the best way of fixing things 

    My wake up call was when my other half told me.. that I suppose to be next to him as a partner support him mentally and be on the way of our journey together.. then I realised that how easy i can forget my promises..

    Making excuses for myself..

    I realised things at least on time before it could be to late... and one more thing blaming never ever solves anything.. caring for each other and showing how important this person is to you can fix a lot 

    Hope its not to long writing and maybe i said something useful 

    Lots of kisses and hugs xxx

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 brigita06202

      Posted

      Hi Brigita, I know exactly how you feel. I’m the old veteran hear, I’ve been with my hubby 40 yrs. do I have stories. But if you let it build up , you end up saying things you don’t mean. Now my hubby is not the best at communicating. He keeps it all in.  And when he does he explodes! That’s why I always say tell what’s wrong.  You see he’s had 2back to back total hip replacements. It’s been rough on him. He sees me running around doing everything. What he doesn’t see is that it’s only temporary. Yea I’m doing things He used to do like cutting the grass, taking out garbage. But when he’s better, he’ll being doing it again. I try and let him know that he’ll get better, it takes time.  He gets frustrated, and I still have to go to work, and he’s alone all day. So I’m dealing with a lonely man , and frustrated, that he feels worthless. I try to build him up as much as I can. Sometimes your just plain tired. But he’s worth it. Hey I didn’t put 40 yrs into him to give up now. A good partnership is something like fine wine, with age it only gets better. Keep fighting, loving, and sticking it out. Your see in the end your gonna have something that was meant to be. Lots of love to all, {{{{}}}}0x❤️
  • stephie2
    stephie2 janet62590

    Posted

    The main question is do you want to be with your husband and does he want to be with you?

    If the answer is yes then you need to find a way forward, maybe talking therapies can help?

    If the answer is no then you have to split for the sake of the children.  Staying together and fighting constantly could affect them in the future and I very much doubt you want that.

     

    • bruce47310
      bruce47310 stephie2

      Posted

      Divorce will also affect the children negatively and will model a pattern of bailing out when things get too rough.

      I'm a husband, married late to a lovely girl from another country.

      Do we fight? You betcha. Does this affect the children? sadly, yes.

      But we've been married for 23 years and we aint about to quit yet.

      My point of view is that our kids need to see commitment in action, not jyst splitting when things get too tough.

    • omlee20008
      omlee20008 bruce47310

      Posted

      You are fantastic marriage is a serious commitment and in this modern world too many couples are divorced without careful consideration 😻Why married if you are not committed to it🤔During dating find out whether he or she has mental illness, sexual preference,sexual behaviour ie promiscuous,how you value each other in temperament,kindness,how you value children,,able to support family and etc etc .Good sex it self will not make a good marriage it is how much you are going to put in your marriage and your kids when they come along that are important in sustaining a long and good marriage .🤔Choose your life long partner like choosing a car ie Choose a Mercedes and not a rumbleshackle your marriage may not have many rusts and creaks 🙏

  • omlee20008
    omlee20008 janet62590

    Posted

    It takes two to quarrel😽Listen and respond peacefully or just listen😽Maybe he or you are not happy in the marriage therefore find out the cause of the unhappiness and work on it😽Maybe there is drug or alcohol abuse or stress at work, money problem,adultery problem or mental problem😽Do not respond aggression with aggression it is not solving the quarrels always listen and think and respond calmly or no respond 😼It takes two to quarrel

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