Hello?? Anybody there? I'm desperate!!

Hi yes I'm ok. I was just saddened that all replies seemed to think my partner is evil and abusive but I think I may have given people the wrong idea. I've told everyone tge things he does ( parts of his character that increase my anxiety) and now they think he's a wife beater!! Maybe it's the way I've explained it. I really honestly do think that he is a normal man, I think it's my reactions ( being ill with anxiety) that is not normal. I'm still with him and I've been frightened to admit it because everyone keeps saying I'm wanting attention or that I'm really stupid, to be honest I felt worse for asking advice, I dunno I'm so angry at myself. This man has sooo many special qualities and in a lot of ways a heart of gold, but yes he can be stupid and very immature.... But as far as relationships go, I don't think I'll be with anyone if I can't be with him, because all people have some faults don't they, and surely I have to try and accept the good and bad??? Not all gonna be roses is it? I'm saying I'm over reacting to stuff because I'm perceiving a massive threat when there isn't one. I'm presuming that his actions will lead to a massive uproar as he is extrovert and I am introvert, my nature is to keep the peace as learned as a child. Is the problem really his? Or is it mine????

Hi Anxy, I'M sad you see it that way, No one has said you want attention they all said you needed help and they have given it to you freely as well as giving you some antedotes . YOU LACK SELF ESTEEM BECAUSE OF HIM. No one said he was a wife beater meerly that he controls you and makes you more anxious and unhappy, which you admit with with his unpredictable loud behaviour.

I think you know yourself within you would be better of without him.

Because you appear to have low self esteem and anxiety you seem to think you have to put up with him as no one else will have you.

At the end of the day its your choice and your life and it isn't a happy one or you would not have started this post.

If you want your life to change you have to do it no one else can. Your not a child, you are an adult and responsible for your own choices in life an dwhich friends you have. IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE WHO CONTROLS YOU AND MAKES YOU MISERABLE AND ANXIOUS IT'S YOUR CHOICE.

Lots of people have tried to help you. No other post has so many replies.

Unfortunatly you have got too use to an abusive relationship. You do not have to accept the good with the bad . I have a loving relationship and if we differ in our opinions, we agree to differ, with no pressure from the other to convert to the others views. So there is no bad. you must also have had abusive parents if you "keep the peace as learned as a child".

I think most people here would disagree with you, but I also think people have given up on you as you are not about to change from your

"keeping the peace " Mode, and seeing your partner through "rose tinted specs". Sorry but your in for a miserable life if you continue as you are or you wouldnt be here.

Hi thanks for your reply, I always appreciate any help that people try to give. It means a lot to me, yes if you read back someone did suggest I was craving attention which hurt me. I'm guessing that maybe I need to continue down this path until I'm sure one way or another, at moment I'm totally undecided and confused. Again, thanks for your advice.

Hi there. Thankyou for your reply, I've been there too with the loneliness and I totally know how it feels. I prayed for someone to come and share my life and now I have him, it feels like any relationship is a risk and makes me anxious but loneliness is safe... But miserable, guess I'm torn between the two. I feel for you losing your dog! My dog is my any as I have no children. It would break my heart to lose him. Do you think that getting a new dog may help you?? There's always a reason to get up when you have a dog waiting for you to take him out, feed him,play with them? And it takes the edge out of loneliness I think? It maybe is avoid thing for you? You need a reason to carry on . And a faithful loving friend can be that new dog? Sending you hugs and best wishes.

You are alway's alone because of you disorders. There is medication for that, so please love the sun, and waking up to another day. There are also nice men,that will treat you nice. You will never meet anyone if you don't take the first step and help yourself. You are in a deep, dark, funk. Call you doctor and get an appointment,and try a medication.I have major anxiety, and am really claustrophobic. Thank god for antipressants,which I feel gave me my life back. My sister has social anxiety, and she is on medication, and can now function good in public. You can too. Make the call. 

Thank you for your mention of my "girl".

You made me cry...again. I can't stop!

I have thought of getting another but feel it wouldn't be right.

She was too special to replace, especially so quickly.

I honestly can't see a replacement, and to be honest, after all the years of bipolar and crap, i don't want a reason to have to get up.

I just want to lay here curled up, wrapped in my girl's blanket and forget everything else exists.

My son understands and it has been discussed.

I tried to walk to feed the kookaburras where we used to go and i cried all the way there and back...and the kookies missed out on a feed.

I need to move. Too many memories, but i never want to see the sun again.

Have you decided on your relationship?

I noticed a few narky remarks below. Don't let them get to you.

You and only you know what you are capable of and how much you care and love your partner.

Don't let anyone sway your decision, but be certain.

Bipolar is for life.

Thank you for your message.

I wish you all the best.

Being alone is a part of my disorders, but there's more to it than that.

The medication you speak of has either built up a tolerance in my system, causes severe reactions or just makes me ill in general.

I've been there doing this and trying that for decades.

I've seen many doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and speciallists; you'd be amazed.

Antidepressants took me from a size 8 to a size 18/20 so that added to the depression.

I also have claustrophobia and anxiety, panic attacks so bad i faint.

I have tried almost every pill or disgusting liquid out there, and been poked with needles and studied in many ways you may not know of.

I understand where you're coming from but i hate the sun and will always regret knowing i have to suffer through another day.

I see the pain and inability to help me in my son's eyes every single day, and it shatters me.

He has given up his life for someone that if left to nature's defences, would have killed off years ago as it does in the wild with maimed and ill animals.

I'm sorry, but you know nothing of my struggles and hatred of what the doctors have helped to create with their tests and trials.

Make the call??

If we were in Futurama and had suicide booths i would!

Thanks for the support/thought tho.

Hey there, you are feeling so low it's hard to know what to say here to help. You sound a nice kind person and I know you're in terrible pain and sadness. And I thankyou for taking the time to reply to me. All I can say is that nothing can possibly stay the same for ever.... Change will come at some point. It's like being at the bottom of a deep black hole trying to claw your way up and you keep falling back down. You sound like you want to give up because your pain is so strong. Please please please don't give up. At the moment just take it day By day... If that's too much then hour by hour. Something at some point will change... It has to!! Yes I think people bit peed off with me not walking away, but it's not a decision I take lightly. I know one thing for sure, if I end up walking away there'll never ever be anyone ever again. It's me and my dog all the way if that happened. They are the best friends you can have aren't they. I'm so sorry you don't have her, maybe in time another dog? Not Ever a replacement of course , but some dog out there will love you and you can focus on something positive. I think you need time my friend. You sound so depressed I can almost feel it. Please stay with us, try and ride the storm. Please don't give up xxx

Those kookies are waiting for their feed. Come on my friend. Start with tiny things. Try again to feed them. You can do it! I hate to think of you so alone loneliness can drive you mad can't it!! Don't give in. Please try and fight, lots of hugs and thoughts are with you!!

Hi Anxy. Thanks for caring enough to write so much for me. I wrote a lot in reply but it vanished so i have to go thru it again and try to recall what i wrote, or change it. I gave up many, many years ago. I never wanted to get this far. I knew i was broken and have spent decades trying to be repaired but i know i can't be. I always kinda knew i didn't belong, i felt so out of place with everyone and in everything for so long, even now. I had kids to help keep things normal but there is no normal. I haven't seen my daughter for years because she can't handle the bipolar, or bpd, but my son has stuck by me - eyes always full of sadness and pain for me. I always said when my girl, Shadow, went it would be it, and she has gone. My son has always known the hell i go thru, he sees it and lives it. We have spoken about many things - what would happen after losing Shad - and last night, actually, he again reiterated that altho he loves me and wants me around forever, he understands and knows my hell and wants only what will help me and bring me peace. I have existed week to week, day by day, minute to minute, second by second, and it's always the same. The only changes i have are extremely amazing highs and disturbingly dark and tearful lows. There is no middle ground; it's always one or the other...and it IS hell! I have thought of another dog, but even my girl suffered thru the bpd with me so i've ruled against inflicting more pain on another. Shad and i shared so much and we were together for so long. For years it was only her and i, and it was her that kept me going. Don't get me wrong, i adore my kids, but after the house was lost, my son, who i speak to every day, left, and Shadow and i lived in the car for ages together alone. Since she has gone, my son has not left my side, i think because he knows i can't be alone with myself...especially now. To have another just wouldn't seem fair to Shad. Besides, i'm at the end of everything now. I'm almost 50, lonely and alone, and still suffering in hell. I gave up 40 years ago and there is nothing that can or will help or improve anything. I've been searching for something that doesn't exist for me for a very, very long time. I admit leaving my son will be an extremely hard thing to do, but i know he wants what's best for me and understands it will stop the suffering. He will grow to a more wonderful person and hopefully find a partner who deserves and appreciates him, and the pain i see in his eyes for me now will turn to love for another without worry for me. I'm sick of existing and being in hell with a few bits of ecstacy thrown in. I need peace. I'm too old for any more years of pain. I hope that all makes sense to you. It's hard to explain things to those who don't have bipolar disorder, or are just learning about it as you are trying to do. And in spite of all those negative posts about you staying with your partner - if you do truly love him it WILL work out if you continually let him know you do. Be patient and attentive, and ignore things he will do and say because he doesn't mean it and is probably testing your commitment to him and your relationship. He will be hell to live with at times but you will never find anyone who will love you more. Trust me...i speak from experience. But bipolar is for life, so be certain and never second guess your decision. Thanks for caring, Anxy.

All the best.

The kookaburas are fed! haha

They must have gotten hungry today and flew to the house looking for me.

They followed Shadow and i back once a few months ago.

What a privelidge to hand-feed wild birds that come for a visit! (if only for food)!

When i used to walk Shadow thru the park they'd fly over to us and sing for some food.

My girl and i got a lot of strange looks...