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Help - at rock bottom. Alcohol has ruined my life and health

Posted , 16 users are following.

vicky56662
vicky56662

Hello

?I'm not sure where to begin. I'm 48 and I know I've drunk too much for years but since a redundancy scare at work 3 years I began drinking in secret every day (well I thought it was in secret) Anyway I lost weight, had no appetite and at Christmas 15 was feeling really ill. I tried to do dry January and lasted 17 days but I felt better then I started drinking again. well by July I felt that ill that I told my husband everything and he took me to A&E. I was in for a week, detoxed ghad LFTs which weren't very good, an ultraound which revealed fatty liver and gallstones. I was told to stop drnking and discharged with vitamin B tablets and thiamine. I also had an MRI but was never given the results of this. I stopped drinking althogether for 5 months, saw my consultant in October then for some stupid reason I started again, no where near as much but it was creeping up (This was10 days over Christmas) Anyway I told my husband again, he got angry but tried to understand and I stopped again for another 6 weeks. Then after I'd seen the consultant again I started having the odd drink. To cut along story short again over the past month Im almost back to being as bad and I don't know why. I hate myself, I feel a failure and I accept I'm an alcoholic. When I was in hospiital they said I'd get a visit from an alcohol nurse but it didn't happen. I tried to speak to my GP but all he could say was"you're at risk of cirrhosis if you don't stop" Well I feel terrible today, all shaky and rock bottom. I haven't had a drink since 6.30pm last night and I'm desperate to change. I'v rung in sick all week but will have to go in tomorrow. Only my husband knows about the excessive drinking, friends thought I'd just given up temporarily because I'd been ill. Husband doesn't drink in the house and doesn't understand how I've got into such a mess.I think he's in denial as much I am. He just doesn't get I'm not bothered about drinking socially I can go and stop after a couple I only drink alome because I'm so lonely but I'm really scaring myself now as I know I physically can't carry on like this and I'm scared of losing my job.I just need to speak to someone who understands.

0 likes, 40 replies

40 Replies

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  • Joanna-SMUKLtd
    Joanna-SMUKLtd vicky56662

    Posted

    Have just replied to your email with lots of information about where you can obtain help on the NHS in your area.

    If I can support you in any other way, please let me know.

    In the meantime, this is a great forum with lots of people who understand where you are, how you feel, and can offer some great suggestions on action to take.

    • vicky56662
      vicky56662 Joanna-SMUKLtd

      Posted

      Hello

      Firstly thanks to everyone for their replies. I had a good talk to my husband this morning and at least he didn't get angry and tried to understand. I also made a GPS appointment mainly in case I can't cope at work and more importantly I booked a self referral at place Joanna gave me information on. I've still managed not to have a drink and am going to attempt a few hours in work today

      I will stay in touch but thank you all

    • RHGB
      RHGB vicky56662

      Posted

      Make sure you stay in touch, you will need some guidance before you go to the ARC.
    • vicky56662
      vicky56662 RHGB

      Posted

      Thank you. I'd appreciate any guidance

    • RHGB
      RHGB vicky56662

      Posted

      Have you booked an appointment for the ARC yet?
  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 vicky56662

    Posted

    HI Vicky, I am joining late and lots of good replies but RHGB summs it up nicely as usual and medication is the way forward for certain. You have to stop and now is the time. I really do hope that this works out for you. Robin
  • brianthesnail
    brianthesnail vicky56662

    Posted

    Hi vicky 

                    alcohol is the second most addictive substance known to man ... so its not unusual to find it so hard to stop .... i drunk most of my life going through many detox,s however 15 years ago i went through a home detox ( 10 day using librium ) and the rest is history .. however the one thing i found is you need to replace the alcohol with something else .. for example a hobby or a new job .. simply sitting there sober will send you stir crazy and your more likely to end up drinking again 

             usually many drinkers continue due to the fear of withdrawls ... the shaking you experience is happening due to the tolerance.. as you drink your body requires more and more to keep it simply normal ... at my height i was downing 15 litres of white cider a day ( 5 x 3ltr bottles ) and strangely people wouldnt even think i had been drinking ... thats the tolerance 

               quitting is the hardest thing you will ever do and needs the support of your husband,doctor and even a counsellor ... but it requires you to be tough ... and more importantly you need to talk to someone when things get tough .. unloading your feelings can help and if it stops you from drinking then thats another battle won 

           a detox is your only current option and your gp can point you in the right place ... and then theres campral for after detox which is a medicine which takes away the urge to drink ( also known as acamprostrate ) ...

           your not alone allthough sometimes you can feel this way ....but depending on how much you drink now you cant just stop .. you need to still drink otherwise you may go into withdrawl .. cut down prior to sorting out a detox ...which in turn will make any detox easier 

           i wish you all the best vicky ... take care 

    • vicky56662
      vicky56662 brianthesnail

      Posted

      Thank you. I know it's not going to be easy. I'm feeling much better physically to day. No shaking and even legs don't hurt as much. Just no appetite yet. I work a 40 hour week it's mainly the holidays and the weeks my OH works till 11pm. Even managed 6 hours at work today though I'd wanted a gentle start and ended up running after 2 kids in the first hour. I haven't run for months!

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 vicky56662

      Posted

      ha ha and nice...nothing like kids to get you focused..impatient they are....but lovely..keep tryin Brian! Robin
    • sharon7979
      sharon7979 vicky56662

      Posted

      I have only just seen your discussion again on the forum as it seemed to disappear with me for a while so sorry if you think i was rude not replying or didnt care. 

      I know only too well how hard it is for you. I too am not in a good place. It may well be that the way forward is meds. As others have pointed out you have to consider if there is a reason that triggers you most of all... boredom, anxiety etc... For me recently it has been the lonlienss and missing my family so much. That said the reason they are not here is because of the drinking so its no excuse.

      Have you been to see anyone since you last posted. We are all here for you. I do think this forum is brilliant in the sence that we need something more than a 1hour app every two weeks. Sometimes you just need someone there and then who understands. Let us know how you are xxx

    • vicky56662
      vicky56662 sharon7979

      Posted

      Hi I'm not too bad thanks. Still drinking but have cut down a lot and going for a drop in referral in 2 weeks. I feel much better physically and work is going well (more redundancies but I'm not in the mix this time) with me it's boredom and loneliness that's a bit trigger so am bringing work home and baking a lot lol.

    • sharon7979
      sharon7979 vicky56662

      Posted

      PM if you want anytime. You say about boredom and being lonely, i know all of this too well... kids, partner? I am not sure from the previous posts as sometimes this is playing up. I too am going to see about meds tm, what have i got to lose as Vickylou pointed out? The two week thing seems like a long time, especially when you have reached out. I had an appointment today but again its the same two weeks later... thats a lot of the reason why this forum is so good. Sometimes you just need something there  and then. I like baking too by the way, nothing more satisfying at times when you know the cake is just as you want it to be lol. Keep in touch xxx
  • kelly71703
    kelly71703 vicky56662

    Posted

    Hi Vicky. I think everyone on here has felt the way you describe. I have literally felt I have nothing left to live for (at 40) as I've lost all friends, family, my partner, my child, my job.

    I've just been told I have fatty liver so I now have to see that continuing is not an option and I eed to do whatever it takes.

    In my experience ARC are not that helpfull but I'm seeing my GP on Monday as I'm adamant there must be other resources available. A lot of people swear by the sinclair method but you may like me find it impossible to obtain.Peer support is a great thing, I'm not talking about AA ect as I am very shy but forums like this have helped me in my darkest hours.

    Keep coming back and good luck, never give up trying.

    • sharon7979
      sharon7979 kelly71703

      Posted

      Sadly i am in a very similar position to you... friends, family have moved away. I am doing my best to get them back but as i am sure as you know...the lonliness and missing them so much doesnt help. But hey, it can not get much worse than this can it. Seen my son today, hes 13 but it is strange for both of us at the minute becuase things have been so hard for the last year/especially over last few months. There is a long story behind which is on my previous posts and an even bigger journey to move forward. We can do this. Feel free to also PM me if you want. I honestly do know how hard it is when things get this far. I too am 40 and never thought this is where i would be at this point in my life. I have been on this forum loads and there are many on here who are a great support. I have maybe missed some of your threads, not sure how much you are/were drinking? I just want to stop for good, thats the bottom line and i too am seeing the doctor on monday about meds. AA wasnt for me either but i do see an addictions councillor. Let me know how things go for you on monday and i will do the same. You and i both know that it can not get much worse so we have to do something else to make it better. If you dont mind me asking do you still see your family or partner? Your post and situation is so similar i had to read back and make sure it wasnt me that that had written it a while back. Monday for us girl! x Keep in touch x
    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 sharon7979

      Posted

      Hi Sharon. Thanks for your message. I'm currently trying to recover from a two week bender. Bottle of vodka a day

      I been here so many times though.. I drink untill I'm so physically I'll it's impossible to continue. Then spend 48 hours in bed, once I feel better start again. I no longer see my daughter due to my behaviour and have been told she can decide when she is older to see me, she is 10.

      My main incentive is that I must be sober for the next time I see her. Thanx for the idea of addiction counsellor. I let you know how it gos.

    • sharon7979
      sharon7979 kelly71703

      Posted

      Listen I do know so where your coming from. Long story, joint custody of my son who usually stayed with me and ex partner, half week with me and other half with him. He has been staying at his dads for over two months now becuase of my drinking... did see him today but it is strained. I was sober. Current partner left with my daughter and they are now in Scotland, bear in mind i am still in Northern Ireland. They have been there for almost 2 months now. So not exactly easy just to see them at anytime. The biggest reason they left is because i drank too much and there were too many promises and lies. I gave up, stopped, went to gym... tried and tried but somehow the voice in my head always came back. My partner and i are talking everyday and we love eachother but it has been so so hard on the whole family. You have to understand for your family to get to the point that their at, it obviously had got very bad. I know exactly what it is like to experience that. They will have a lot of resentment and anger which is just as valid as you and i both feel. The secrets, being ashamed, the anger, all of the whole thing that goes with drinking too much. They have a right to feel that way. Do you and any of your family still talk a little if you dont mind me asking? Because maybe you can build on this over time and i am sure at the very least thats what you want to do with your daughter. She sounds young so if you move on a lot of this will be forgotton from her point of view. My daughter is 8, she is very switched on and myself know she has seen a lot but there has to be a way for it to be better for her and me. It will take time to build it up again...scary but worth it. 

      Right now living on my own and selling everything to clear off debts. There maybe a chance for me and my partner/daughter if i move to Scotland but my son who is 13 will most likely stay in N.Ireland with his dad.

      Have you any idea when you can see her? What about any support? Meds? I am seeing the GP on monday to discuss meds. I have cut down and will not do the vodka thing again (we could be twins lol). Have to stop completely if i am going to have my family back and move to scotland. 

      The thing is, i know its hard but apart from your daughter being an incentive you have to do it for YOU. That way you (and i am the same) can be better for our kids. Trust me, i honestly do know that this is easier said than done. I hate drink but still have drank wine recently. But as someone suggested put pictures up around the house to remind you of a reason not to do it. See your GP. Look at any talking therapies... not all has to be AA. I dont know if you have tried AA, but i found it wasnt for me while i dont knock it either as it does work for some. There has to be a way, it just has to come from deep inside us too, even with meds etc... Please keep in touch, i really do know also how lonely you must feel right now and this forum does help. Could not have got through the last two months without it to be honest. Lot of brilliant people on here xxx Take care and keep in touch.

    • sharon7979
      sharon7979 kelly71703

      Posted

      Sorry i just read your message again and i know your daughter is 10, shes still very young and it can be better x
    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 kelly71703

      Posted

      HI Kelly. Pls do not take if wrong way but I wonder if you unemployed since your posts shows that you lost your job and many other important matters you have lost..time on your hand does not help and drinking one bottle of vodka per day...what to say?? INcentives to stop are there....Robin
    • kelly71703
      kelly71703 Robin2015

      Posted

      No not working. Wasn't exactly sacked but only a matter of time. Had a couple temporary jobs since January 16 but ended up leaving. Repeated absences, going in hungover ect. As a state registered professional I can't afford to be sacked for misconduct as I loose my registration.

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