Hey Mike

I'm still up and down getting really worried now about tuesday's meeting with work just don't know if i can face going. I feel like running away or just disappearing just don't want to face anything to do with work.

I've been helping a friend over the last few days trying to take my mind of things but it still doesn't help. I've givin up trying, given up crying, and to others they see me smiling, but in side i just feel like i'm dying. I just seem to be putting on a brave face to everyone because when people ask they don't seem to care they're just being polite.

I'ven my dad said to me the other day I need to SNAP OUT of it.

But how can you snap out of depression?

Anyway how are things for you Paul is working from helping you? has it eased some of the pressure?

sorry for not keeping in touch but you know how it is sometimes you just want to shut yourself away.

Chat soon

Mike

Your dad didn't mean it when he said snap out of it, he just doesn't know what to do. It is probably really hard for him too.

Tuesday will be fine, stay calm you will do ok.

I am off work again. I have been signed off for 3 weeks. I am on valium now and my doctor has made an appointment with a mental health specialist for me. I feel suprising good at the moment. Don't know if its the valium, but i am trying to stay positive.

I don't know what i shall do with myself for the next 3 weeks. I may try decorating to focus my mind.

Take care, and i am here to chat if you like.

Paul

It's sounds as though you are going a little down hill again mate, if you don't mind me saying. Perhaps 15MG of Mirt are not doing the trick. Could you see the doc for different meds?

Bye for now

Paul

I have an appointment on friday to see the Doctor. I'm thinking i may need to have my meds increased.

I spoke to my dad today and explained that getting out and about and meeting people is ok but it still don't change how I feel in side and the thoughts are still the same. I'm hoping that it has sunk in.

I'm glad that you feeling better in yourself it probably a combination of medication and the time off from work and knowing that theres no pressure now.

I know I'm more than likely worrying over nothing about work but you what its like i can feel my heart racing just thinking about it and start to tremble with my nerves. I have all these work related thoughts which are all negative.

Any way stay positive Paul. chat soon

Mike

p.s. I'll let you know how I get on.

I am thinking about you. I hope today goes well with your employer. Let me know how you got on.

I am not feeling a great as i did, perhaps it was the initial dose of the valium, but now it's settled in i feel real down. I know i am away from work and i am going to see someone about my anxiety a work, this was enough to initially lighten my mood. But the dullness has set back in, i feel useless and that i will never function properly again. What if i do make it back to work, how long before i panic or go into that dark place which is so hard to get out of.

I know it sounds stupid because i have a lovely family and plenty to look forward to, but i can't help feeling lost and have the feeling of missing out on something. Sounds ungrateful, but i find it hard to let myself be happy.

Anyway, enough of my complaining. I really do hope today went well for you.

bye for now

Paul

PS About your meds. Well i am a little anti-Mirt. Maybe i would be worse without it, but i certainly can't notice it making me feel better.

Well my meeting is in an hour and want to cry, i just want the ground to open up and swallow me up.

I know what you mean about having a wonder family etc. but like you i'm finding so hard to find anything positive in my life.

I'll let you know later how i got on Paul.

bye for now

Mike.

Well meeting only lasted 15 mins and when I came out I couldn't remember a thing (good job the wife came in with me). they have given me a contact number to speak to a counslor, i hope this helps not had good experiances with counslors, also they will be moving me to a different area of of work when i'm fit for work, i can see this possiblly bringing on more stress as its a different client group but i can give it a go I surpose.

My wife seems to think that it was a positive meeting but i'm not sure i feel so mixed up in my head.

Just waiting now for a phone call from a counslor. A step forward maybe????

Sorry that your feeling low again I'm like you just want this hell to go and be my normal self but i can't see it being anytime soon. I go to see the Dr. on friday so we'll see what he says.

Take care

Mike

At least you have got the meeting out of the way now. It did sound positive for you. At least they are really supporting you. Did they say why they are moving you, is it to put you under less stress. Did they mention about when you will be going back to work, or did they not put pressure on you?

The councillor is a step in the right direction, it is good they are offering it.

I have not heard anything from my shrink yet, i hope i get a couple of sessions in before i have to return to work.

Feeling really glum at the moment. Although i know what i have is alot, i still feel i am missing something.

Anyway chat soon

Paul

Yeah its a relief that the meeting is over, I'm being moved to the only place that has a vaccancy for my position it has a range of shifts that would suit me beter, where as where I was working just late shifts and every other weekend i used to work long days (15 hrs) I can only but try and see what happens. Work aren't pressuring me to return it's up to my Dr when he see's me as fit for work.

I have made the first step and made contact with the counsling service work provides i'm just waiting now for them to arrange a face to face appointment.

Sorry your feeling glum and I understand when you say you feel your missing something but just can't understand what it is your missing or need, I too feel like this, and it's so hard to explain this to other people.

Saw my mum and dad today after the meeting and had a chat with then dad got upset in a caring way as he's struggling to understand whats happening to me, I said to him if I could explain it would but it's hard to express into words how I feel. But my wife hit the nail on the head today to some degree that people with depression find it hard to explain for fear of upsetting other with in the family.

Anyway enough of my rambling.

Chat soon

Mike

15hr shifts sounds like no fun. It sounds like your new job will be a step in the right direction.

Our families do not understand how we are. Up until a week ago, my wife do not really understand or give any support. She thought i never pushed for the right treatment at the doctors and blamed me for my condition. But after coming with my to the doctor, she realises that i have done all i can for myself.

It is nearly a week since i have been off work and still no appointment has come through with the shrink. At this rate i will be back at work before i get any form of help.

Take care

Paul

How are you this week.

I feel aweful, the closer it comes to my return to work to more down i become. I have no motivation for anything. My wife keeps planning things that i would normally be excited about, but i find little enjoyment in anything.

Life sucks, thank god for family. I don't know what i would do without them.

Still waiting to see the mental health team. Really hope the appointment is soon. I don't expect miracles, but atleast it will be a positive step.

Please keep in touch buddy.

Paul

Sorry to highjack your thread, but was just wondering what meds you are currently taking? Since i've stopped the Mirtzapine i too am experiencing little enjoyment in anything whatsoever, i cant sleep (72 hours without sleep at the moment) despite a low dose of zopiclone and i am having fits of anger/frustration and just uncontrollably crying randomly.

I thought i had seen the last of this and it has really made me regret stopping the Mirt.

Hope your having a good morning, would be nice to hear how Mike is doing too?

Take Care Guys

sorry not checked in for a few days i went to dr's on friday been signed off for another month and had meds increased (friday was also my birthday).

I finally got an appointment with a counslor for this friday. which is a step forward.

I've had a few good days although been very tired due to increase in meds and sleep pattern returned to normal.

Have you heard anything yet re appointment with shrink? I know what you mean though at it gets nearer to returning to work or being signed off from work you just seem to spiral downwards again.

Anyway keep in touch mate.

Mike

He-Man i currently take 45 MG of Mirt, and 2MG of Lorazepam. I don't think the Mirt has any effect on me though, it certainly has not stopped my panic/anxiety attacks. I think the Lorazepam has helped recently to calm me down, but they are addictive so i can't stay on them.

Mike, Happy birthday for Friday. I hope that was one of your good days. I am sorry you are still having trouble. What dose of Mirt are you know on then? Do you think it helps? It is good to hear you are seeing a specialist. My appointment still has not come through. I called them and they have told me i will receive a letter at the end of this week or the early part of next week. So i am not likely to get an appointment before i return to work. That really sucks because i will be in no better position than when i first got signed off. I have called my doctor to see if he can prescribe something that could help my nerves on my return to work. I guess i could be signed off until i have had an appointment with the mental health team, but i am worried about my companies sick benefit.

Anyway take care both of you

Paul

If was you i would get signed off again until you seen your specilist with the mental heath team, I shouldn't worry to much about the company sick pay your health is more important than money i have found the creditors are more understanding if your up front with them.

I'm now on 30 mg mirt seem ok at the moment but I still got 3 weeks till i have to return to work so we shall see what happens.

thanks for the birthday wishes i had a good day on the whole was very tired as i over did things and on the saturday went to a 80's night which was cool.

keep in touch mate

Mike