Hoarding/Money advice needed
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi, I'm new to this but need some advice.
I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months who seems genuinely sweet and lovely. However, I've become aware that he appears to have all the signs of some sort of disorder which I can't quite put my finger on.
His place (I've only been inside once) has all the typical signs of a hoarder. Several boats in the yard all in need of some sort of work, an unused car, and I could harldy walk through the place as it was stacked; there was no-where to even sit.
He comes to my place every weekend but I have to pick him up as apparently his car heats up (roughly 70km each way plus tolls), on the few occasions we've eaten out I've had to pay for the meal. If we go for coffee I pay for it. He buys a few groceries such as bulk potatoes/capsicums etc..something that one would buy at a cheap price from a vegetable store. Not once since being with him has he ever purchased anything, not even a coffee.
I'm torn as he honestly seems like a lovely guy, but I'm scared of getting deeper in this relationship and suffer the consequences after.
Can anyone offer any advice please as to what steps I should be taking? I do not want to end the relationship without at least trying to get him some sort of help.
Thank you in advance.
0 likes, 33 replies
cia42277 jo87738
Posted
It looks like you are getting way too many WARNING signs. If you are thinking that you can change him, forget it...you can't. No one changes until and unless they decide to. Please don't make the mistake of trying to be his savior. He may seem lika a lovely guy, but sounds lika a hoarder and a user.
Unfortunately, most people don't listed to advice like this...they go on until the awakening is nasty or even dangerous. My sister did this, and is sorry to this day. Let go Honey, he's not yours to fix.
jo87738 cia42277
Posted
Thank you Cia....yes, there are many warning signs. It scares me. It's also very very sad as I really care for him. But I will listen to your advice. I will speak to him first to see whether he has any inkling of his obvious problem and take it from there.
cia42277 jo87738
Posted
Jo, these types are master manipulators. You should be out, not discussing that he has a problem. If you do that.....you may be the one with the problem. You're not getting that you cannot help him. He's already got you, don't let him keep you. I have more than 40 years experience as a counsrlor, and I would have just cut this off already!
One of the things that frustrates us the most is exactly what is going on with you, and so many others that still think only they can help a person....then all of a sudden they are GONE. Where are they, what happened to them? Yes, it is sad...we agree. It would be sadder if you were one of those we never heard from again.
Honey, you are not equipped or trained to handle this. The very best, and the only thing you can do for him is to pray for him...at a distance. You came here for help and got the same answer from us all. Your future well being is your own hands right now. How well are you going to treat Jo? Take the advice you asked for dearest Jo.
helen20833 cia42277
Posted
What is it with women who think they can "change" a man? I despair. By the time he's an adult he's "fully cooked". What you see is what you get. Nothing and no one on God's earth is ever going to change that!
I don't know whether it's a "mothering" instinct in some women but whatever it is she needs to get the hell away from him.
He doesn't love her. Cold hard fact. He won't miss her if she leaves him. He'll just move on to the next "victim"
Jo, listen to what is being said! We are united in our response. We can't all be wrong.
Head for the hills, girl, head for the hills!
tess33005 jo87738
Posted
Don't waste your time. He'll just give you the answers he knows you want to hear.
Run, lady!!!
helen20833 jo87738
Posted
Listen to Cia!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's the best advice you'll ever get!
This dude's a User Loser!
lisalisa67 jo87738
Posted
helen20833 lisalisa67
Posted
tess33005 jo87738
Posted
Jo, you need to end this.
Hoarders only spend their money on more things they don't need, and make their houses less habitable.
Of course his car breaks down. Hoarders are always buying old stuff and say they'll fix it but they never do.
And if he can't even buy you a cup of coffee..................aw, come on, Jo. This is only the beginning of a disastrous relationship where you'll be fleeced. You may also end up inviting him to stay with you, which he'll accept with pleasure - and then YOUR house will turn into Hoarder Paradise.
cia42277 tess33005
Posted
i notice that Jo is not responding. I hope this doesn't mean what It could mean.
jo87738 cia42277
Posted
Hi Cia,
I am reading all the comments and believe me, I am taking everything on board.
I'm not sure where you guys are located, I'm in Australia so there is also a time difference.
You guys have made me think long and hard, and even reading my own post, makes me realize how gullible I have been.
From what I've researched, the hoarding/money issue are part of the same (OCD)...such as a fear of loosing or not enough "security" for the future...
I have a family and it's not worth risking their future for him...unless he recognizes his problem and is willing to take steps to fix it.
cia42277 jo87738
Posted
So glad to hear from you, Jo. I / we were concerned about you. Two of us who answered here, know personally what happens when one tries to change someone. A person will never change until and unless something inside THEM wakes them up.
One of my sister's abusive husband woke up, but two years after she took the kids, left and divorced him. The other sister's abuser hasn't changed to this day...she's the one who thought she could change him. He almost killed her, and attacked one of their children. Stay well and safe, dear one.
jo87738 cia42277
Posted
I feel for your sisters. To be fair, the guy I'm referring to doesn't have any anger issues or would harm anyone, neither verbally or physically. I'm 100% sure of this as I'm in contact with third parties who knew his ex. So his problem isn't harming, at least not violence wise. But the conditions he lives in and lack of financial reasoning would make a relationship impossible bar a miracle takes place. As you said, it's got to be he himself that "wakes up". Agreed 100%
cia42277 jo87738
Posted
Thanks for responding Jo. Sounds like you have things in hand. Oh, the first sister's husband wasn't a physical abuser...emotional, and always, me first...even with his children. He was almost narcissistic.It was like he really thought he was King of the castle.
Both of them have gone on to happy lives. We are proud of them both. Hugs, Jo.
tess33005 jo87738
Posted
Very glad to read that, Jo!
Keep strong. Hoarders do not consider that hoarding IS a problem. They just like having more and more stuff, as you say, for 'security', so there's no chance that you'll be able to persuade him that this is a problem.
Good luck and stay with us on this forum if you need more support, darling. xx love Tess
tess33005 jo87738
Posted
Stop thinking about this and trying to rationalise it, PLEASE.
Just get OUT of it. Today. xx
helen20833 jo87738
Posted
The fact that you added " unless he recognizes his problem and is willing to take steps to fix it" makes me think you neither want to leave him nor will you leave him.
It's difficult where emotions are concerned to extricate ourselves and move on without looking back with regrets.
Personally I don't think he'll change, even if you persuade him to, as you say, recognize his problem, because what you see is what you get. And I'm also doubtful that any kind of applied therapy will change him. He is who he is.And if you cannot love and live with him as he is then he is not the one for you.
I have been married for 45 years and have seen much of human behaviour in my life
So...
In any relationship the foundations are acceptance. We stand before each other naked, so to speak, not in the literal sense but in the sense of Here we are, with all our faults and failings, all our strengths and weaknesses,
What we have to ask ourselves, as opposed to wishing we could change each other, is can I go through life with you just as you are, or will it drive me to distraction?
I hope you choose wisely.
cia42277 helen20833
Posted