How do I cope...

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi I am a newbie on here so here goes...

I am 20, back in 2015 I lost my son to Cot death. Ever since, I have not been the same person (as expected.) I am going through a very rough patch with my ongoing depression and anxiety, to top it off I haven't been able to sleep properly either. A few things have been annoying me lately...

Yesterday I decided to set up a donation page for my son to help pay for his gravestone. I shared it on my Facebook so family and close friends were aware. My mother then messaged me basically saying she didnt agree with it at all and that people would talk, saying bad things. Personally I believe she's only worried about what people will say in case it hurts HER reputation, but she still makes no sense.

For a bit of backround info, I have only seen my mother once a week for the WHOLE of my life. She works 6 days a week and has always put that first no matter what. I find as I get older, she comes over later, she seems emotionless with no empathy. She always tells people that I am doing fine-like nothing has happened, when she knows this is not true. The whole relationship has always lacked understanding, the bond is totally missing.

My mothers words also dont match her actions-she mentions how she misses me and how she has missed a HUGE part of my life. She recently had a week off work, but seen me once- for an hour?

I don't get it. In fact, the whole thing irritates me to think about lol.

Sorry if it was dragged out, but I had to vent because I need some opinions on this!

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  • Posted

    Definitely sounds like she is lacking the motherly instinct. As for ur donation page I total agree with u. I would have done the same thing if I couldn't afford it. She should be more understanding.. u lost a child she should have more sympathy to it.. does she still think like some people that u should only mourn so long? I think u should mourn as long as u need to.. this is a child u bore from ur body u went 9 months with this child inside of u and to lose that idk if I could go on honestly. Have u tried talking to her about all this?

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    • Posted

      Thank You for your reply Jess!

      Everyone else was highly supportive of the fact I set up the page and said it was a great idea, glad you agree!

      As for my mother, I do think she is almost robotic-she gets up goes to work then sees me for a few hours each week on her day off. I don't know if she realises what she is doing, but she comes across as cold.

      Maybe because she is at a stage where she can resume her normal life, she expects me too as well? I'm not sure. Losing my son has tarnished my life and negativity like that obviously doesn't help.

      No I have not brought it up with her yet, in fact I'm not sure that I can or want to. I know it would result in a huge argument and create awkward tension, because she has never been able to see life through my eyes. My relationship with her is being strained more often these days, maybe I expect too much from her?

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    • Posted

      No honey u don't expect to much from her.. i'm 33 years old and I can still count on my mom for anything.. I could call her at 2 in the morning and she'd be right there for me. Do u have any brothers and sister that she is the same way with?

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    • Posted

      That is lovely to hear that your mother would attend your needs no matter what, I wish they could all do the same!

      See I am her only child, so I have nothing else to go by. What I hate the most is, my own mother makes me question myself and my decisions! I just ignored her yesterday after she disagreed with the donation page, I have no energy to be dealing with her negativity.

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  • Posted

    Hi Debz - so sorry to read of your sitaution. First please accept my condolences on the loss of your son. There is no given period for grieving any death, and it will take time for the raw, searing ache to dull, and it will happen in your own time. You will never forget.

    Secondly, I can relate to your situation with your mother. I am a twin. My brother was cherished by our mother. I was not. She was incredibly cold and callous and there was no soft place to fall when growing up. It caused adult depression, and I tried everything to get answers. She refused to discuss it because her denial was more important than the wellbeing of her own child. Since then i have accepted what happened, realising that even if she explained why, it would not change the action, and what explanation can possibly be given? Mother is a narcisist of the highest order and will pay lip service to anything that removes attention from her.

    I would suggest that discussing your issues with your mother might only result in you becoming more despondent and depressed, seeking answers that she is incapable of giving. She may be experiencing guilt about her absent relationship with you throughout your life, and avoids long periods of connection with you in fear that you may broach that very subject. We can't control how others act - even our parents - but we can control how we react. Meanwhile, you carry on raising the funds for your sons grave stone and ignore the nay sayers. I would suggest that your mother has no right to criticise how you run your life, and you should live it regardless of her opinion. Best of luck to you for the future - things will get better.

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for the reply!

      I am sorry that you have experienced this type of relationship with your mother, it really isn't nice. I'm shocked to hear she wouldn't even discuss it with you to try and give you answers but you are right in what you said.

      Parents do not realise how deeply their actions and feelings impact our lives as we grow up, it's sad.

      I totally agree with what you said about my mothers guilt due to her absence throughout my life, I think it is hitting her now. But I don't believe I can resolve these issues by talking to her, it will as you said, make things worse.

      I am beginning to think I have to just accept her as she is, but sometimes she disappoints me or hurts my feelings. Maybe without even realising shes actually doing it.

      I also believe she somehow thinks she has control over my decisions, like the donation page for my son. She was the same when planning his funeral, she thought she knew best when it was not her place to say.

      Best of luck to you too, I truly hope things do get better in time!

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  • Posted

    Debz

    It may be your Mother is in denial of what has happened to your baby and discussing in MAY help

    My parents were very much like your Mam and I feel for your concens and uncaring relative. Are you married or is your Father alive. Those people may be able to help you when dealing with your Mother 

    If there is no-one who can help with the relationship you may crave all I can suggest is sit her down and have a heart to heart.

    This can be hard, I was disinherited  because she could not relate to me

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the reply!

      It could be that she is in denial, that is a real possibility. I was raised by my dad and lived with him until just last year, I now have a place of my own.

      My dad has let me down in the past but he still visits me at least twice a week and tries to do the right thing. I have a boyf (who was my sons dad, he is my crutch!)

      They both agree that my mother is too distant and says things she shouldn't.

      I feel like it could be time to just keep her at arms length for my own sake. There may come a day where I want to question her, but if it resulted in an argument I don't think I could cope.

      It is so difficult when they can't relate to you, I find its becoming a bigger problem as I get older!

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    • Posted

      Debzz

      Yes it gets harder the older both parties get, and believe me I have worn the teashirt may times.

      Your main concern is for those who love you. Consider those before anything else.

      Your Mam may mellow, mine could not see the way things were going and that lead to the end. I do not know if She is alive or dead in two months time she will be 90. It is very sad. I am at peace

      BOB

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    • Posted

      BOB

      I am saddened to hear that you don't know about your mother, but happy that you are at peace. Those kind of things can consume you for years, it is important to find acceptance or a way to move forward.

      I hope to find my solution, but I know imy mum will never change and I can't make her. The thing is, I want to make myself a better person. Since I lost my son I have had increasing rage, and plan to go to counselling soon.

      When I talk to my mother all I feel is negative vibes, even if she says positive things its almost like her words are...fake? Or forced? So my question is....

      Can I really become a better person when she doesn't support my decisions and is so negative? I'm just so fed up with her making me question myself time and time again.

      Debz

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    • Posted

      Thank you amanda, no energy for negative people trying to tell me what to do with my life!

      I know our parents think they know better, but when you are an adult, you know what is best for you. Xxxxx

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