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My lovely Dad is 88 years old and for the past 3 years has been suffering from dementia. My Mum is 85 and has finally admitted that she cannot cope with Dad anymore and with the help of my family (I am one of 3 sisters) made the heartbreaking decision to have him placed in a care home where his needs are met. I don't know whether he still knows who we are but his face lights up when we visit so he clearly knows that we are somebody meaningful to him.
Dad has his ups and downs and recently he has shown signs of distress and deterioration and often cries when we visit, especially when we leave him. His life is just an existence now and though we believe he is NOT in pain physically, the mental pain is clear to see. He is confused, often angry and upset and I just want to scoop him up and take him home even though I know I cant. He is incontinent, fragile and has a lack of coordination and often cannot feed himself.
I know I have lost the Dad I once knew and I know it is just a matter of time before he passes away. This has been the case for some time and I feel a massive part of my life has been placed on hold. I have turned down job applications and invitations from friends just in case I am "needed" by my family. I know that he will never get better and there is a part of me that actually wishes he would pass away so he can be at peace and we can all grieve and then move on.This however, makes it sound like I want him to die - which of course I most certainly do not! I love my Dad and want what's best for him. I cry constantly at the situation, yet I cannot grieve for somebody who has not yet died.
I get very upset when I see him and it looks as though my Dad has been institutionalized, along with the other residents. I don't really want to see him anymore but if I don't go, I'll feel as though I have abandoned him and I may face backlash from my family. Dad and I have always been close and I love him and to see him this way is intolerable. He loved and protected me all my life and now I feel useless as I cant do anything to make him better. I am now suffering from depression.
Has anybody else felt this way?
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