How should I be feeling?

I would like to thank everyone here for taking the time to tell their stories.

My wife is having all these feelings due to the same situation with her father.

He went to the emergancy room with a bleeding ulcer and after 5 blood transfusions he was stable. But because he was not able to take his medications for his heart and blood thinner..a couple days later he had a major stroke.

He has regained alot of movement and some of his speaking ability. but is angry and get uspet because he is "bored" he was a very very active man for being almost 80 and pushed himself daily to keep moving even when his knees didn't want to work right.  So it sad to see him so helpless.

My wife had all these same thoughts as all of you, and felt guilty for having them.

I can let her know she is not alone and her feelings are normal.

thanks

I do feel somewhat guilty in the sense that my Mother lives up in Cheshire, whereas I am now in Glos., now finding long-distance driving so much more difficult, being 65 myself – not getting up there as often as I ought. My sister lives a few mins. away from Mother; initially it was my Mother’s choice to move over from York as always ‘close to’ my sister, which is perfectly correct.  My sister is a very patient person; yet unsure if any of the following cld. have been foreseen at the time.  My Mother has NOT actually been diagnosed with dementia, some months ago having passed the ‘memory test’ at her GP’s surgery!!

However, if she were tested again, I/we are sure she would be diagnosed! Still DRIVING; albeit short distance to local shops but across a busy junction!. We know the G.P. would have to inform the DVLA.  She always was ‘very good for her age’, fit, active, very intelligent – admittedly quite strongly ‘opinionated’ and on a ‘lighter note’ – a ‘force to be reckoned with’, as my Dad often found!  He was more often than not – to be found outside in his shed! ‘Anything for a peaceful life’, he would say.

We lost my father suddenly from 2 heart attacks over 20 yrs. ago.

A few ‘clashes’ when I was younger, sorry to say as she had (I have to say ‘had’! a domineering, very opinionated personality) You could not ‘argue’/reason with Mother (was always Mummy but some kind of family ‘joke’ stuck!) at times.  All was somewhat better physically &  mentally with Mother prior her having undergone a heart pacemaker procedure over 18 months ago; this sadly did not go well, but if she hadn’t had this, she was in danger of completely blacking out when experiencing bradycardia (v . slow heartbeat) and the fast heartbeat – with which she had been diagnosed well over 30 yrs. ago was more under control.  To treat the tachycardia (fast heartbeat) she has been prescribed various meds by her G.P. to control this. BUT she is consistently forgetting to take these!  My sister feels exhausted ‘reminding her’ then Mother gets annoyed about this!   She does have a dear pet dog who is her ‘companion’; however we don’t know how regularly she is (over) feeding the dog & dog is overweight!  A worry dog may deteriorate in health herself.  Pays for a very good ‘dog walker’ weekdays. But dog simply doesn’t get enough exercise.  If Mother tries to walk her (even when told she has ‘extra’ time from dog walker or my sister is coming to walk her), sets off with walking stick one hand; dog’s lead in other: recently ‘scraped’ her hand with gentle little dog naturally ‘pulling’.

Following on the pacemaker procedure, at first: gradually, she deteriorated with ‘memory problems’.  (Incidentally, she had some v. bad experiences during later hospital stay & it was I ‘took up the matter’ of complaint).  

As of last few months her deterioration has become considerably more rapid; more confusion, consistently forgetting to take her medication.  My sister, although retired, is very busy with some voluntary work she ‘needs to do’ and seems to be always having to phone/go round & check on Mother.  Mother hasn’t given me her ‘old Sunday p.m. regular phone call’ for over 18 months now.  When I phone her, particularly in the afternoon in good time before she needs to prepare meals, she rarely can remember what she has done in the morning & asks me same questions over again, not ‘taking it in’. (she is still doing her cooking, but now having ‘minor accidents’ : pans started to boil over - with my sister present, thankfully, on those occasions). Age UK did fit smoke alarms. ‘Main meal’ as always done on a Sunday; some food has left out on ‘top’ in warm weather! Rarely now manages her bath; sister assists; gets bed changed  & washing done that day - Sunday, but recently things ‘not started’. 

I have basically ‘helped’ from a distance, so to speak, as used to work with older people myself: Age UK – 2 branches; ‘Village Agent’ – accessing help, advice, finding out ‘just about everything’ from OTs, Soc. Services, voluntary organisations & more! Lots of referring on, ‘follow ups’ etc.  Hence, here I have managed to be of some help. I also found ‘dog walker’ online. My sister was surprised once their local Age UK had visited – that Mother did get full AA rate (I must have done ‘countless’ of these forms myself for clients!).   So much many people & families just ‘don’t know you can get’! (or, not – with budget cuts). However, her local Age UK ‘best funded in the UK’!  I also feel I should be more patient than I am (have never ‘lost temper’) yet I guess this is ‘too close to home’ and Mother is not a client!  I had some previous admin. experience in health settings; hence reasonable understanding of general & also mental health issues.

I am not able to go up & visit all that easily – my own driving has become v. ‘limited’: v. nervous, tense, (neck & back arthritis) driver.  I have pets to have looked after, but can manage a reasonable train journey.

My sister somewhat still ‘in denial’, my daughter & I believe – but starting to admit more difficulties. By time you read this, I hopefully will have obtained from my sister keys to both her house and my Mother’s (she can no longer ‘cope’ having one of us sleep at her own house).  Worry at present: if I needed to go up there, ‘take pressure off’ my sister, or whilst my sister & partner need to be away, I couldn’t even get in to either house & not insured or confident to drive Mother’s car!  

I had been wondering why I have been feeling depressed of late (usually quite a ‘cheerful’, sometimes outspoken & ‘fun loving’, ‘zany’ person), despite my having a milder version of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – which ‘pushed me into retirement’’; I am able to enjoy manageable sessions of all kinds of dancing: used to teach belly dance; learning Cuban Salsa, flamenco & going to zumba gold!  My sister enjoys piano lessons, swimming – even ‘zumba’, but of late she says ‘can’t be bothered’; thankfully her older partner – 72 – is v. understanding as he had these ‘issues’ with both his own late parents; she is obviously exhausted &, despite her patient demeanour, understandably frustrated but reluctant to ask myself or my brother (who is due to retire in a month or two’s time – he is in Herts. though) to try go up ‘take over’, give her a break. I do get ‘put off’ at present by sister but will have to ‘push’ here.  My daughter & partner still in South East London, where I lived for so many years. They need to stay there for their respective jobs.  Hence we are somewhat ‘scattered’.

At least it has only just ‘dawned on me’ why I have been feeling like I have; I am basically GRIEVING the Mother I ‘had’!  To be honest, Mother had  ALWAYS on many occasions said to all of us:

‘if I get like this or that, I want one of you to finish me off’!   Of course, we CAN’T, whatever we ‘believe in’, but to be honest I would actually be relieved if in, say, some months’ time, she (hopefully) passes away peacefully & quickly – with her dog being able to be found quickly as she would be ‘in a state’.  She has wrist ‘lifeline care alarm’ but, as I had so often seen on my clients visits’ – not always worn!

To think of her ‘going on’ for several more years with her once ‘lively’ mind going/gone is still almost unthinkable. NOT what she’s wanted; a ‘shell’ of the Mother we ‘had’ to put it bluntly!  Even 2 years ago was always busy in her large garden, going to art & singing groups, helping in a charity shop! 

Only temporary ‘relief’ I have upon writing is that I am realising that I AM, indeed, starting a grieving process and can beging to ‘flow with it’, accept it rather better, so to speak.  I’m aiming to try & get whole family to actually ‘meet up’ instead of ‘hurried phone calls’ ‘have to be quick I’m afraid’, ‘just cooking/going out’ ‘bang, crash, dogs barking’ etc. LOL – to DISCUSS thoroughly in person between us all.   If nothing terribly serious has happened that’s amusing, we can still have a little ‘chuckle’ over some of it – for now, anyway, at least.  Hope you don’t mind my ‘pouring all this out’!

Do take care, the rest of you, & wish you all the best in difficult circumstances – some of yours more challenging than ours. (new to this site; hope posted where all can read if they wish to!)