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How should I be feeling?

Posted , 19 users are following.

julie26723
julie26723

My lovely Dad is 88 years old and for the past 3 years has been suffering from dementia. My Mum is 85 and has finally admitted that she cannot cope with Dad anymore and with the help of my family (I am one of 3 sisters) made the heartbreaking decision to have him placed in a care home where his needs are met. I don't know whether he still knows who we are but his face lights up when we visit so he clearly knows that we are somebody meaningful to him.

Dad has his ups and downs and recently he has shown signs of distress and deterioration and often cries when we visit, especially when we leave him. His life is just an existence now and though we believe he is NOT in pain physically, the mental pain is clear to see. He is confused, often angry and upset and I just want to scoop him up and take him home even though I know I cant. He is incontinent, fragile and has a lack of coordination and often cannot feed himself.

I know I have lost the Dad I once knew and I know it is just a matter of time before he passes away. This has been the case for some time and I feel a massive part of my life has been placed on hold. I have turned down job applications and invitations from friends just in case I am "needed" by my family. I know that he will never get better and there is a part of me that actually wishes he would pass away so he can be at peace and we can all grieve and then move on.This however, makes it sound like I want him to die - which of course I most certainly do not! I love my Dad and want what's best for him. I cry constantly at the situation, yet I cannot grieve for somebody who has not yet died.

I get very upset when I see him and it looks as though my Dad has been institutionalized, along with the other residents. I don't really want to see him anymore but if I don't go, I'll feel as though I have abandoned him and I may face backlash from my family. Dad and I have always been close and I love him and to see him this way is intolerable. He loved and protected me all my life and now I feel useless as I cant do anything to make him better. I am now suffering from depression.

Has anybody else felt this way?

8 likes, 34 replies

34 Replies

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  • Guest
    Guest julie26723

    Posted

    Hi, Julie your letter may me cry because I feel exactly as you describe. My mum was having memory lapses etc. then in the last 3 months she declined dramatically. My mum always seemed so young to me. My dad was 8 years older and she had me at 21 so I just never imagined this happening to her. I think of the times I took her for granted and I am ashamed. She was always there for me. But was I always there for her? I guess I was. We never fought much and family our family was very important to her. She is Scottish and very sweet, kind and a real helper to other people. It makes me so sad as she has very little friends to rally around her. Just the family which is just me and my brother who has done so much for my mum. My mum fell 3 weeks ago, she had a UTI  and we had no idea. I had actually had her at the doctor the day before, since then I'm lke you I feel everything your feeling. I have has Seasonal Affective Disorder since I was 19 so this is nothing new for me. My son also has anxiety and depression, he moved home 7 months ago and my husband and I are trying to get him the proper help he needs. I can help myself because I know how to. I've tried to help my son with techniques to help him. But with my mum I just feel lost and helpless. Sometimes I even get impatient and frustrated as to why she can't help herself. This is a very hard illness to understand and cope with. But you must remember one important thing. Take care of yourself, take care of your depression as best you can. Because you can't help your loved ones if you are ill. I haven't been taking care of myself and I have to start right away or I will end up in a mess. So I must get back on to a routine to make myself stronger physically and mentally no matter how fatigued I am. And I am very tired. Tired of trying to cope with all these sad things that are happening. My dad passed away 17 years ago from a long bout of cancer. I know he would want me to be strong for my mum and brother and son. So that's what I have to do. That's what I need to do, so I don't felt guilty so they can rely on me when they have to. You will get through this and life will go on. Please look after yourself it's so important. God Bless all of you coping with this dreadful disease. My thoughts are with you. Sincerely Sandi
  • Zoheir
    Zoheir julie26723

    Posted

    Hi Julie

    You are totally right, but what you have to do is to enjoy your life. How ???

    If you're worried about your father and his health so try to be with him, try to spend time with him

    Maybe he can't remember you but he can feel being with his lovely daughter.

    Fellings never get forgotten, names may be ...

    if you buy something for him and go visit him frequently, make sure it will be a lot better.

    Let him believe there are someone who loves him.

    Regards

  • ohtobeacat
    ohtobeacat julie26723

    Posted

    My mum has severe cognitive impairment i.e. Dementia in some form it came on very suddenly now she is in a nursing home - my dad passed suddenly 18months ago she never really functioned without him as he was her carer - it has been a rollercoaster three years - I live 150 miles from mum's home so cannot visit very often it is very hard d but I tell myself "that's life" and I know a lot of people suffer with one thing or another - keep strong and philosophical- the end comes to us all eventually it's just the way life is - make the most of the little things In life that bring you happiness - remember the love you have for your much-loved parent never goes away - that is what is important

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