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huge arguements

Posted , 21 users are following.

rose0000
rose0000

After my first hip replacement I came here for the most amazing support.

I have somehow limped on for several months in dire need of a second hip replacement, and I am in agony. I am 43 years old with two children and a husband that works in London. I have no family. I do have wonderful friends. 

My husband tells me that taking time off will massively impact his job and earning potential, I on the other hand know I can not possibly look after two children, run a house, look after the animals immediately after surgery. My surgery last time did not go well, and I have massive issues with the thought of even going back.

Am I being unreasonable to expect help? I can't do this on my own, and quite frankly I am totally at the end of my tether with the pain, lack of sleep and I am feeling so desperate.

Maybe I should just disappear. My body is broken. I broke my arm in december and have severe nerve pain (crps) so I don't even know if I can use crutches. 

What would you do in this position? I am trying very hard to be brave for my children but everything hurts

3 likes, 45 replies

45 Replies

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  • RichardKen
    RichardKen rose0000

    Posted

    Dear Rose

    I feel for you and so hope that your husband and will get real and face up to what you will have to cope with following your surgery.

    Even if you were not having to deal with a weakened arm it potentially would be difficult though not impossible to cope on your own. U have no idea what age your children are or if they would be able to help out, have you discussed with,your friends how they can help out?

    Your health needs to be a top priority for your husband. Perhaps he could be encouraged to think how he would be able to cope if it was him having this surgery rather than you!

    Best wishes. Richard

    • rose0000
      rose0000 RichardKen

      Posted

      Thank you for your reply, any kind of reply means the world to me, because I have never felt so alone in my life.

      I am waiting to see a consultant but at the moment it is not strong enough to use crutches and as you know we can't manage without those, so I am praying that I can be at least be in a position to have the surgery.

      I think my friends can help with driving my children to school, and helping out around the edges but not really the proper hard slog that is my day to day life. 

      I have certainly tried to tell my husband that his work can not come first this time, and he doesn't listen. He tells me it would be better for him if I waited until the new year. In the meantime it is like walking on shards of glass and I am feeling really sad. Maybe I should complain more loudly.

    • kelly1205
      kelly1205 rose0000

      Posted

      Hello Rose, have you considered using a walker instead of crutches? Here in the USA we are instructed to use a walker for the first few weeks until we can manage using a cane or stick.  If you have the means I would suggest getting one, so much easier to use than the crutches. Good luck, and God Bless!

       

  • Norm2017
    Norm2017 rose0000

    Posted

    Dear Rose

    You no that although we cannot wave a magic wand to sort out your problems but with forums such as this you can take comfort from the fact their is always someone to talk to.

    Your husband  must realise although his job is important your health and your children need to be his first priority.

    Has your husband tried talking to his boss and explaining the circumstances as a family you find yourself in?

    I am sure that if you explain the situation you are in as family true friends will be their to help.

    Please take strength that we are here to talk to at any time and although these may feel like very dark times advice and talking to people on these forums can help you reach answers to your current problems.

    Your husband needs to made aware of your health situation and what would he expect if the roles were reversed?

    Please do keep us all updated of situation and together we will help you get through it .

    Take care Rose we are here for you

    • rose0000
      rose0000 Norm2017

      Posted

      It is a new job and he is keen not to allow anything to disrupt it. He is usually a kind and nice person, and looked after me so nicely last time. I have the feeling although he has never said this to me, that he is dreading the surgery. It is so disruptive and it means our lives will be on hold for months and months. To say I am not looking forward to it is an understatement, but I have no choice. 

      It is a small price to pay in my mind, but in his he seems to think I can struggle on until a convenient time (he is talking about January) 

      I am so grateful for your replies. We all have our crosses to bear with this condition and surgery, some people come through it all on their own, are an inspiration to me.

  • Guest
    Guest rose0000

    Posted

    Rose

    Do you have any family state side that could come and stay with you and help you with the daily chores and with your children? Your husband's job is important but you are as well it would be helpful to have a family member to step in when he is working.  It's a long recovery as you know and the unknown factors are what I was shocked at I'm almost 7 months post hip replacement and low and behold I have a tendinitis of the Psoas tendon which has been horrible I can't imagine having small children to take care of . So you really do need help in the worst possible way !  

    • rose0000
      rose0000 Guest

      Posted

      I don't have any family to help me, I so wish I did. I have some close friends, but they all have large families and in some cases challenges of their own (divorces and ill parents etc) It is a crunch point and I feel I am just as massive inconvenience to everyone, and yet I should be supported. I am crying every single day, I feel worn down with the pain and worn down with everyone telling me just to get on with it as there is no time for me to have an operation.

  • hannah69391
    hannah69391 rose0000

    Posted

    I’m so sad to hear you say ‘maybe I should just disappear’. You absolutely should not.  My father is very ill and I can tell you that your children love you and need you. More than that you aren’t just a mother and a wife. You are a person who deserves a better life than you have now. I was in a lot of pain before my op, as were a lot of us on here and so we have some awareness of what you are going through. I think when you are in pain your world becomes very small by necessity, shrunk down to your body and your pain. But if you can get through this it will open up again and you will be able to see that ‘disappearing’ would be an utter waste. I think your husband is being selfish, and is letting you down, but I also understand that you don’t have the energy for confrontation. Can you work put a way to share the care of the children with someone else? Or for him to take over the morning and evening duties but have someone else help during the day? Basically I am saying are there ways to compromise so he doesn’t have to take lots of time off, like trying to schedule the op at a time he’s less busy, or can take holiday? (I know that might be wishful thinking.) please reply and tell us more and keep in touch. We all feel for you and understand how emotionally debilitating pain can be. 
    • Nuggie56
      Nuggie56 hannah69391

      Posted

      WOW-- you are so right to be totally honest with her. This is why I love this site because it encourages me as well. We are important to ourselves because if we are not taking care of us how can we take care of any one else. I appreciate your honesty.
    • rose0000
      rose0000 hannah69391

      Posted

      He is letting me down, he definitely is, but he does not see it that way. He is angry that my problem (my hip) is standing in the way of him getting on with his job, getting in the way of me looking after and supporting my/our children.

      I know the operation and recovery are long and boring for everyone, I can see that no one is going to be enthusiastic about me shuffling around for months not being able to walk, being out of action. I feel like a terrible burden.

      I have had months of operations on my arm to try to repair it, and a cancer investigation in the process, and it is getting better but slowly, so I suppose his compassion seems to have run out.

      Thank you so much for your lovely messages. I am ay a loss. 

    • Ducksoup
      Ducksoup rose0000

      Posted

      Rose, you don’t want my suggestions for him.  I am a retired psychologist.
  • Nuggie56
    Nuggie56 rose0000

    Posted

    Rose, I feel you totally on this because I am alone 61 years of age full of life. It has been 11 weeks since my left hip was replaced and now my right hip has to be replaced. I have a male friend who helps when he can. I want you to seriously consider having the surgery for you and your family. You are young and much living to do. Your husband will come around because if you continue limping it only gets worse. I started using my office chair to get around in my place because it hurts to walk. I felt great after I had my left hip done with the usual after surgery "blues" but then I felt like a new person. I recently started to seriously ache on my right side. I am in the process of moving so it will be after the summer before I can have the surgery. I am sitting with an ice pack on my right hip now. I am an only child with two grown daughters and they will do WHAT they can but I will be ok. I made it after the first and I know you will. Take care of yourself so you can give your husband all the help he needs.

    • rose0000
      rose0000 Nuggie56

      Posted

      Nuggie. It is a pain when you have just got through one hip replacement to then have to do it all over again, it sounds like you managed your hip replacement really well. You are right that it is absolutely the best surgery to have, and once you recovered you can get on and enjoy life. Wishing you the very best for your next one
  • AnnieK
    AnnieK rose0000

    Posted

    Rose, you most definitely need help! Now and after surgery as well. If your husband can't take time off, then you could hire someone to be with you during the day for as long as it takes post-op. This is CRISIS time for you and your family. Even if you have to take out a loan to pay for the help, it would be so worth it. How else can this be done? I could not have possibly taken care of small children and/or animals for quite awhile after surgery, most especially with the added complications of a wonky arm and severe nerve pain like you have.

    If you don't have the surgery, then you probably won't even be able to continue doing what you are doing now. It will only get worse. Get all the help you can from friends and hire someone for the bulk of the work that you are unable to do post-op. Wouldn't this be what you would recommend to someone else in the same situation? You deserve it, too!

    • rose0000
      rose0000 AnnieK

      Posted

      It is a crisis.

      I am in crisis.

      Even if I could have my hip replacement my arm won't support the crutches.

      I have lost all respect for my husband in this. 

      I am looking into getting help, I am not sure we can fund it but I will try. Thank you Annie

    • Ducksoup
      Ducksoup rose0000

      Posted

      The hospital will hook you up with social services to assist you post survey as well as talk with your husband.  They are fabulous in working out issues like these.  
    • rose0000
      rose0000 Ducksoup

      Posted

      It is almost like he needs a good telling off from someone who knows what this is like! 
    • AnnieK
      AnnieK rose0000

      Posted

      Good on you, Rose. Do the searching by yourself, if your husband can't or won't be included. The results of NOT getting the help are dire. It's just money that would be spent. It's the happiness and well-being of you and your children that will be lost if you don't get the support you need. Perhaps you'll have to sell some things, or borrow money somehow. Which is more important, your money or your life-worth-living?

    • Ducksoup
      Ducksoup rose0000

      Posted

      Social services will do this for you and take you out of the Bad Person seat.  Explain it to the doc and them first.  They are used to dealing with a**holes
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