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huge arguements

Posted , 21 users are following.

rose0000
rose0000

After my first hip replacement I came here for the most amazing support.

I have somehow limped on for several months in dire need of a second hip replacement, and I am in agony. I am 43 years old with two children and a husband that works in London. I have no family. I do have wonderful friends. 

My husband tells me that taking time off will massively impact his job and earning potential, I on the other hand know I can not possibly look after two children, run a house, look after the animals immediately after surgery. My surgery last time did not go well, and I have massive issues with the thought of even going back.

Am I being unreasonable to expect help? I can't do this on my own, and quite frankly I am totally at the end of my tether with the pain, lack of sleep and I am feeling so desperate.

Maybe I should just disappear. My body is broken. I broke my arm in december and have severe nerve pain (crps) so I don't even know if I can use crutches. 

What would you do in this position? I am trying very hard to be brave for my children but everything hurts

3 likes, 45 replies

45 Replies

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  • joe35590
    joe35590 rose0000

    Posted

    Wow Rose, I'm very sorry for your predicament.

    If your husband truly knew the pain you are in he would or should come to your aid.

    You need to convince him that you need help.

    My very best to you.

    • rose0000
      rose0000 joe35590

      Posted

      I just tried and he shuts down and tells me our whole future depends on his job
    • Ducksoup
      Ducksoup rose0000

      Posted

      He needs to talk with his employer regarding your needs. 
    • rose0000
      rose0000 Ducksoup

      Posted

      Yes I have insisted a little more forcefully now. I feel much of my worry is coming from a lack of support
  • laura98998
    laura98998 rose0000

    Posted

    I have learned the hard way, that there is never a perfect time. The kids will always need you. Your husband will always have work.  You are the only one who can judge when it's time to get it done. You know the personal cost of hip surgery. The pain, before, during recovery, and after. What rehab is like. What kind of complications you at risk of having, and you know the benefits. How much better you will feel after.  How much more you will be able to help family when you feel better.  You are the only one who can judge if now is the time. If all the pain and trouble is worth it. Also, It is major surgery. The healthier you are, the quicker the recovery. If your arm is not fully healed would consider delaying until it is. You can still could start the process, meet surgeon, get second opinion if needed, and scheduled surgery. 

    My surgery was scheduled a few months out. During that time, I drove carpool extra, watched friends kids, then after I did not feel bad asking friends to do these things for me during my recovery. Also, can freeze meals in advance.  Don't forget to ask surgeon how likely complication is to happen again? Is there a way to prevent it?  Is it worth going to a specialist who has more experience with avoiding that particular complication? I traveled for my surgery because it was complicated by surgery I had as a child. Was difficult to go so far away from home, however in long run I had much better recovery and outcome than I would have had at home.   I know it's hard, but at some point,  you need to take care of yourself. 

    Best of luck 

    • rose0000
      rose0000 laura98998

      Posted

      The personal cost is one thing, carrying on like this is another.

      I have been to referred to the CRPS clinic for my arm, so maybe they can help me and then I can use the crutches and then have the surgery. We have had bigger problems on the forum and people have got through them, but it is such a dark and lonely place.

  • breeze61
    breeze61 rose0000

    Posted

    Hi Rose,

    I agree with what all replies have said and it reminded of the day i got home to a message from my wife,who had walked out., she wrote asking what was more important a happy wife and children or a tidy house. I too at that time was having a stressful time on an 18 month course with a lot of pressure and which i didnt enjoy much. So, I used to come home and complain about toys not being tidied up etc. I soon came to my senses and it was an important lesson to learn that love and happines are worth more than money and an always tidy house. It's a happy time bringing up a family but also stressful and you need your full health. I hope you can talk and resolve this between you and a home help would be a good investment if only for a few months. Good fortune.

    • rose0000
      rose0000 breeze61

      Posted

      Your wake up call was important, I may need to do something along those lines to be heard.

      My children are my world, but I can't manage to give them any kind of quality life when I am struggling to do every day things, they help a lot, putting on my tights because I can no longer do it, running around for me to save me added pain, but they can't make me magically better.

       

  • Ducksoup
    Ducksoup rose0000

    Posted

    You are the one who matters in this issue.  You cannot be happy or have any quality of life without health.  
    • rose0000
      rose0000 Ducksoup

      Posted

      No, this surgery is incredible because it gives you the chance to live your life again. I hope I can get the surgery done soon somehow.
    • Ducksoup
      Ducksoup rose0000

      Posted

      Agreed, but your health needs, including the Necessary surgery come first.  
    • rose0000
      rose0000 Ducksoup

      Posted

      I never thought I would say that I want to have this surgery so much now. I have had enough of this pain.
  • judith12644
    judith12644 rose0000

    Posted

    Dear Rose, I really feel for you. I think you need to explain to your husband that there’s no way you can wait until January, and then come up with some solutions together. He is obviously stressed with his new job. Could he take his holiday entitlement when you first have surgery? Could he work from home a bit?Could you have some paid help at home for the first few weeks? Good luck, there must be a solution that could work for both of you. 
    • rose0000
      rose0000 judith12644

      Posted

      The first hurdle is to be able to use the crutches. 

      The second is to have the help I need to get through the surgery. I think he has some annual leave, but it just isnt long enough. I want him to talk to his manager, but he doesn't want them to know what we are going through. 

      The last is to overcome my terrible experience this time, and be brave and hopeful that this time it will be better.

      It feels like a huge mountain. 

  • maggie93798
    maggie93798 rose0000

    Posted

    Rose I remember all you troubles from your first op. We all know that it is a long hard road to recovery and with all your responsibilities to home animals and children you must have help. My suggestions, some of which would get me banned, include getting your friends to do as much as possible and telling your husband that if he cannot help you he must pay for the help you will need. Not necessarily an au pair but someone who can act as a Jill or Jack of all trades covering you until you are able to physically do it yourself again. You would still be the directing force behind the house, children and animals and could gradually take over completely again. 
    • rose0000
      rose0000 maggie93798

      Posted

      Hi Maggie.

      Yes here I am again! De ja vu feeling, How are you? It is lovely to still see you on here, and I wondered whether Renee and Rocket are still here?

      I am afraid things are much more complicated now. Worse than last time in many ways. I am looking into help now, as I know I will not be able to care for anyone properly for a while. I also can't rush the recovery. At least I know what to expect.

      I would love to know the suggestions that would get you banned, as they are prob the ones most likely to work!

      I could do with some recommendations for pain relief that doesn't have horrible side effects on the stomach. The pain and lack of sleep does nothing for clarity of mind.

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