huge arguements
Posted , 21 users are following.
After my first hip replacement I came here for the most amazing support.
I have somehow limped on for several months in dire need of a second hip replacement, and I am in agony. I am 43 years old with two children and a husband that works in London. I have no family. I do have wonderful friends.
My husband tells me that taking time off will massively impact his job and earning potential, I on the other hand know I can not possibly look after two children, run a house, look after the animals immediately after surgery. My surgery last time did not go well, and I have massive issues with the thought of even going back.
Am I being unreasonable to expect help? I can't do this on my own, and quite frankly I am totally at the end of my tether with the pain, lack of sleep and I am feeling so desperate.
Maybe I should just disappear. My body is broken. I broke my arm in december and have severe nerve pain (crps) so I don't even know if I can use crutches.
What would you do in this position? I am trying very hard to be brave for my children but everything hurts
3 likes, 45 replies
maggie93798 rose0000
Posted
where you swanned off to work leaving him behind to cope with it all as well as the pain.
rose0000 maggie93798
Posted
maggie93798 rose0000
Posted
Guest rose0000
Posted
Rose oh Rose (((hugs))) this is not the Rose I knew while I was regular on this site....... I really don't now what to say, what I want to say isn't printable on here, Maybe you should remind him of his marriage vows?
At the end of the day if you need to have this operation you need to have it for the sake of your sanity, for the sake of your children, (you coped so well last time). There is help out there, especially for you and your children. Your husband should be caring for you and putting YOU first not his job. If his job is that stressful maybe he should change it.
Keep in touch love, you can pm me anytime, I don't come and talk on here very often but I do keep a watchful eye open
. Please just remember YOU are not alone we are here for you.
Love Gill xxx
rose0000 Guest
Posted
Oh Gillcat
So lovely to see you!!
You are still here. So nice to see so many kind faces, and wondering how you are these days?
I have had a long talk with my husband this morning, and he is definitely much nicer and keeps apologising. I don't know whether he feels bad genuinely or is desperate for me to stop crying. Either way he seems much more accepting of this surgery now. It is tough enough to face this surgery, with the risks, and dealing with the pain 247 whilst trying to keep everything going much less having to deal with him as well!!!
I was/am just so furious. I am trying to be reasonable but I am honestly so cross that he feels this way. He can see I am limping, every time he has to help me out of the sofa, and I am white as a sheet with the pain yet everyone seems content to let me carry on like this so that they do not need the inconvenience.
I think he is now on board to take two weeks off, so that is something.
Thank you so much for your support. I was just at my wits end earlier.
Guest rose0000
Posted
Rose so glad you've at least sorted something out. Two weeks is a good start and you will be able to cope a little. Don't forget your children are a little older than they were last time so probably will be able to help look after Mummy too. Hopefully it won't be as bad as last time, no things are the same twice over. As for using crutches, my sister in law had her hip replaced just before Christmas and she used a walker because she couldn't get to grips with the crutches, maybe something to think about? after about 3 weeks she managed with one stick.
I am really well and going to all the places I couldn't go to before lol, you know me if they say I can't, I will lol. I have to say my hip is lovely, I don't think about it most of the time now, it does though let me know when I've done something I shouldn'[t. Glad to say Alan is thriving too after his episode. Looking forward to our holiday which is soon, we are going to the Isle of Wight for the third year running, we love it there and I can walk and walk and walk...... lol.
Anyway keep your chin up and keep in touch, I'll be watching for you love. Please make it happen asap and get it over with then you can have your life back while you can enjoy it. Love Gillxxx
annone70291 rose0000
Posted
bridget32982 rose0000
Posted
jools2512 rose0000
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Dear Rose,
?I have read of your dilemma and it has made me incredibly mad and sad! I had a posterior replacement in September last year at 52. The last year before having it was probably the worst of my entire life, and the memory of that pain is terrifying. My children are adults, and I was home off sick with only myself to think about, so had it very easy in comparison to you. I don't believe my husband really 'got' how much pain I had been in and why I couldn't walk before, and why I was so miserable! Your husband probably doesn't realise the true gravity of your situation as you have 'carried on'. The awful thing is too, is that most likely his employers would be keen to help if they knew what has been going on and how compromised you are. Whether he's been there ten weeks or ten years they have a duty of care to ensure his wellbeing too. After my surgery my husband was way more patient and uncomplaining than I would have been for which I am truly grateful. I know I will most likely be getting a matching hip at some point in the distant future, but rather than being worried I know I will be looking forward to being out of pain. I understand your first hip recovery was very difficult, but you might sail through the next one and be up and at it in minimum time? So, the false economy of no surgery until it's 'more' convenient could just be that. And your suffering will end and you will be able to resume normal family life that much sooner. I hope you manage to come to an early solution soon. No - one should be in so much pain that their life has ground to absolute minimum function, and your children need you well now.
Jodi-France rose0000
Posted
Good morning Rose, just like we were here for you last time, know that you will have our full support and be here for you now. You have our full support, know that deeply.
I think we need some more information. How many children do you have and how old are they? What about the animals, you said you have to take care of animals, what animals do you have?
Your history is that you had a previous hip replacement that took you months to recover from, you broke your arm 4/5 months ago and are still recovering from that and now your second hip is shot and you are experiencing a LOT of pain. Since all of us here have had a hip replaced we remember very well how bad the pain was before the hip was replaced, we know how bad your pain is and that there is no faking that.
I guess I will be the only one here who sees your husband's POV (point of view) to some extent. He IS the only financial support for his wife and children and himself. He has already supported you through one hip replacement and then just lately your broken arm, he knows in advance what help you will need after a second hip replacement, he knows it because he has already lived that with you. He is on a new job and he is doing everything he can to protect that new job which is literally the means which puts food on your table, his concern IS legitimate. He is worrying about taking time off of a new job to help you and then ending up with no job, a wife and two kids to feed. He is right to fight to protect that job, he is shouldering the sole financial support of his family and doing what he needs to do to continue to earn a paycheck and put food on your table and a roof over your head, and a roof over his children's head. I know you have worries but honestly Rose, he has worries too. The difference is you have worries AND pain, he doesn't have the pain and you do. It is possible your pain is clouding your thinking and your emotions. Let me ask you this, if your husband was on a job for 10 years he would be asking you the same thing he is asking you today?
You each have different priorities right now, at this point in time. His priority is to protect the paycheck that puts food on your table and a roof over your head. Your priority is to be out of pain, is that right?
Since he cannot control being new on the job you are the only one who has flexibility. If your primary need is to have manageable pain can you go back to your doctor and explain that do to your family situation you cannot have surgery for at least another 6 to 9 months, can he give you any treatments that will reduce your pain to a manageable level for 6 to 9 months? Steroid shots may help short term. I know one thing, and I know it for sure, anxiety increases pain and actually people suffering from high anxiety pain pills don't work, your anxiety is greater than pain medication can reach.
So you need to absolutely reduce your anxiety, your anxiety is caused by 2 things, pain and the unknown of when this pain is going to be gone. Go back to the doctor and try and reduce the pain for another 6 to 9 months, not eliminate but reduce it. This will reduce your anxiety. Make a deal with you husband on an exact month for you to have the surgery. Knowing an exact month that both of you can agree to, and he will support you then will also greatly reduce your anxiety. A large part of your anxiety is based on the unknown, you can't get your husband to agree to exactly when you should have the surgery. Have that discussion and during the discussion really listen to him and try to see the situation from his POV. This is how you do that, when he says, "I am so worried about this job, it is a good job and I really feel I don't want to mess that up by taking time off," you repeat his concern. You then say, "I hear you saying that this job is the only thing supporting us and that you need to protect your job." This is how it is done, when I say, "really listen to him." Really listening means repeating back to him what he said. Really listening does NOT mean waiting for him to finish speaking so that you then jump in with your points. You probably don't want to hear this, but honestly I think he has a legitimate concern and you need to also address HIS concerns. It is hard because you are having great anxiety right now, but you can be a rational person and fight through your anxiety, you can do it. Yes you can.
Once you have a mutually agreed upon month, agree to set aside so much money per paycheck to bring in hired help for you after your surgery. This also will reduce your anxiety and his anxiety, he will know that he can keep going to work (mostly) after your next surgery and you will be WAY less anxious knowing that he has agreed to paid help for you and ---that you have set the money aside for this use.---
In conclusion-
1. How many children do you have and how old are they?
2. Tell us about the animal situation
3. Have a discussion with your husband (really listen) and mutually pick a month for your next surgery, be prepared to give on this point.
4. Go to doctor and see what can be done to get your through just 6 months or maybe 9 more months, depending on what month you and your husband agree to.
5. Every single paycheck you and he put money aside for help for you after your next surgery so that he does not have to take much time off from work. That set aside money is the MOST important point as it is going to HIGHLY reduce both your anxiety and his anxiety between now and your next surgery date.
Finally come on here often and complain and cry all you want, all you need to. We are here for you and we do not judge you. We will be your shoulder to cry on, and trust me we have all been in pain, your exact same pain, so we more than anybody, more than your husband even, we know what you are experiencing.