Husband in denial or wife over reacting?

Hi Ana. Well I hate to break it to ya. I once was your husband. I'm giving you a warning before it is too late for him. He is an alcoholic. I drank myself silly line that for many years. On and off for upwards of 20 years. Until I got pancreatitis. That was my bodies way of telling me to stop or at least really slow down. Now maybe I can have a few drinks once a month without feeling terrible. I cant tolerate alcohol the way I used too. There is nothing you can tell him. My husband tried for years to understand why I would drink to the point of oblivion. He nor I could ever figure it out. I suspect your husband has the same problem. Good luck.

Darling - mine is also an alcoholic, except he's not in denial, not now.

He's dying.

So you need to jump in immediately, however much you don't want to face this, and have a CALM, non-threatening, eye-contact, LOVING talk to him, when neither of you are tired.

Remind him that you love him very much indeed - many times - that you will help him through this. That you are not making accusations but believe he is an alcoholic. Use the actual word. Be sure that the TV is off, that the lights are dim, that you keep your temper.

YOU are in charge of this first, honest and painful discussion.

Now I'm only so wise, after many years, because I learned here, on this forum, that confrontation is NOT the way to go.

Your excellent husband WILL be in denial, but he'll know. Oh, Yes, he'll know that he has lost control. He will be ashamed - that is why he is angry - he wanted to give you the earth - not an alcoholic husband - yes, he will be VERY ashamed.

My own husband and I have discussed this before I replied to you, my love, and he is sober at this moment, but  we've only just woken up.

He and I both think the same thing. Do your best not to make him feel bad about this. Tell him you can see a problem, and stay calm while you tell him Confrontation and a row will lead to him leaving the discussion (literally) and going out for lots and lots of drinks.

Jim is my husband. He is now sixty. So am I. You two have your lives to lead, so this is from the expert, Jim himself, in reflective mood, and his wife who still loves him very much.

Together we think that you should visit your doctor, together.

We also believe that you yourself should go to Al-Anon, which is there to support the loved ones of alcoholics. You will quickly learn all you need to know.

If he carries on denying there's a problem, you will either split up or he will take the first steps to becoming sober. It's a stark choice and a hard one.

DO NOT WAIT until he's reached rock bottom before you use your ability as his loving wife to help him.

And do send as many messages to this forum while he either stays drunk or becomes sober, as you need to.

You WILL need to. So stay with us, Ana. We will help you.          xx Tess

Ana, you have my sympathy. He is drinking WAY too much. On this site you will find info about units of alcohol so you can work out his consumption and compare it with recommended safe levels. But it is almost impossible to get someone to stop drinking if they don't recognise the need themselves. It wasn't until my hubby became extremely ill and was hospitalised that he did anything about it. Also Google alcohol use disorder to find out that it isn't a weakness, a chacter flaw or a lifestyle choice. And there are medical treatments available. In my experience arguing and criticising just made matters worse. But getting as much info as you can to help you understand the problem will be good. I really do wish you all the best.

Hi ana

Same here I'm afraid, I was your husband once, just the same as poppy!

Even I can't explain why I drank heavily, so expecting someone else to is virtually impossible.

He will know his drinking is not normal, he knows his body will only take so much, he knows the effect it's having on you and that it's causing problems in your marriage. That's why he goes all defensive and tries to blame you, anything, any excuse to not address the problem. Until he accepts he has a problem, there's really not much you can do. If you Google AUD (alcohol user disorder) as its now known, rather than alcoholism, it might give you an insight.

There is another lady with a very similar situation to you on here. Am sure she will be able to give you excellent advice. She's found this forum has helped her to try and understand her husband.

Paul Turner has an excellent video you can watch. I can't find the link to it, but am sure someone else will come up with it. It's really worth watching. My family watched it and found it extremely enlightening and it changed their attitude to me and my drinking.