Husband, wish I'd known.

Posted , 10 users are following.

Ladies, thanks so much for your stories! 19 years ago my wife asked me to leave. In her mind, I caused her to come to the end of her rope. She got her shrink to believe her. Eight months earlier she had slammed her knees together and began going nuts before her periods, which was all out of character. Nobody ever told me it could be like this before actual menopause. In the last year she said she never had any symptoms. Is this sort of denial typical?

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  • Posted

    Hi David. I'm not sure about denial but I have experienced severe mood disturbances during peri menopause and now that I'm getting better I find it very upsetting to look back at how I was. Please know its all real as I discovered over the past 2 years. My boyfriend watched me become unhinged mentally on a few occasions and without his support and him pushing me to get help I don't know where I'd be now. Maybe we go into denial as it can be almost embarrassing when we remember how we acted and how it must have looked to those around us. Its hard to know exactly what to tell you except that with what I experienced myself with incredible feelings of rage, to crying uncontrollably and intense obsessive negative thoughts that sent me crazy, anything is possible.

    I hope this helps a little bit. If you have any other questions feel free to ask..

    Cheers Rosemary..

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  • Posted

    Hi David, sorry you went through such a difficult experience - it must be very upsetting to be on the receiving end of what seems like totally irrational behaviour. Like Rosemary said, I don't really know whether it's denial.  I think in many cases it's because most people, including doctors, know very little about the menopause. I certainly didn't until it struck! Nobody talks about it and it feels like a taboo subject so we're very much in the dark about it. Everyone knows about hot flushes but that seems to be all unless you make a concerted effort to find out more. So, in some cases maybe it's denial, in others it's just lack of knowledge of the numerous symptoms.

    I too, have been in the grip of alternating despair, rage, chronic anxiety, obsessive thoughts and have been an absolute nightmare to be around.  I've felt like a completely different person but unable to change it and I think that is hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand.  Several years on, I'm very gradually beginning to see the symptoms lessen.  

    I wish you all the best, Jane.

     

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  • Posted

    This happened 19 years ago and you still haven't moved on? I find it kind of creepy that you are reading all of our posts, it's very personal stuff, that's how I feel. So know this.. women might be doing crazy things around meno but it's also a time we decide that we can no longer put up with crap that we have been for so many years. Buy the book The Wisdom of Menopause and read what she says about her ex and marriage. It might shed some light on the subject for you. 

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    • Posted

      You just made me re read and re think my original post. The difference for me is my partner stood beside me every step of the way through peri and has a complete understanding of what i'v been and still am going through. Maybe I should've just put that in my post..he is amazing.

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    • Posted

      I agree, Suzanne. The quotes below raised red flags for me, too. I'm quite gobsmacked at the audacity.

      "She got her shrink to believe her."

      "Eight months earlier she had slammed her knees together"

       

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    • Posted

      Yep..."how a man thinks." Or, how some men think. It's a shame.

      Luckily, I did not have any symptoms other than weight gain regarding menopause. I know my husband would prefer me thin, but understands how hard it is. He loves me regardless. I am a lucky lady to have him.

      I did have an extreme about of problems before menopause and he stood by me all the way.

      It sounds odd to me that David is just dealing with this now. I think he may need to see a therapist to get past this. Is it that he regrets not understanding in the past?

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  • Posted

    A bit confused. She asked you to leave 19 years ago, and ??? did you? So why would you be checking this site out now? Why are you concerned if you left her 19 years ago?
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    • Posted

      Not sure how it's been misconstrued I left her. No way ever. I was told to get out. In the last year she told me she never had any symptoms, and I was shocked. But the term "peri" was new to me until a few years ago. But I wondered if the issues e.g. the worst of the struggles could be before actual menopause, so I Googled it, and this came up. If only I had been prepared! I had sworn to myself that when menopause came it would be our mutual problem. But everything was totally my fault, and never could be discussed; our marriage was a "toxic faith" and the like. As far as I know, her counselors, family, and friends never knew. I had deep counseling for a while, and reconfigured our support groups. This current lap around is to understand the history from a biological and emotional perspective, and I am not interested in anyone's story as an individual, but how the species functions. So much I never knew inspire of the biology and psychology I had in college. Thanks. And I am glad to know men's blogs exist.

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    • Posted

      Maybe start with a fresh blog, explaining your past and current situation with your wife/ex. Then explain what you would like to understand. I think ladies need details to understand where you are coming from and what you are looking for! Thanks!
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    • Posted

      This is good advice. My key item was that of all the trauma, because she was not yet menopausal, all our conflict was totally my fault. Pastors, professors, teachers, social workers, nurses, over and over told me I was to blame. But in the last week on this blog, I learned that peri-menopause might be worse than later. For this I am so grateful, even even though it's been years. Relationships never have been the same with my in laws, as well as one of my daughters.

       

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    • Posted

      Well if all those professionals said it was your fault, maybe it wasn't menopause to blame.  Sorry, just sayin..

      After 19 years, just ask your ex why she left you and stop looking for things to blame. When women hit their 40s they just start knowing who they really are, and many stop putting up with guys and their BS. 

      I don't know you, guess you could be the greatest guy ever,  but I agree with some others on here, when I read what you said about your ex it made my hair stand up a little. 

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    • Posted

      It's really a shame because no one should be to blame. It sounds like you are reaching out to find out if you really are to blame or if perhaps, you simply did not understand what she was going through. Yes, my child-bearing years were pure hell with my period. Menopause agrees with me. It sounds like your wife also had a hard time with her periods. Hormones are tough when they are up/down/all over the place.

      However, I would think that you would be able to amend the past, especially with your daughter.

      I also would be disappointed if a pastor, social worker, or nurse was judgmental in that manner. Now I can see "where" you are coming from. You needed a good support system then (and now). Aside from that, you didn't understand what she was going through, which made you see it as "crazy."

      Tell your daughter--"what's past is past; time to move forward." If she has to focus on the past, she will tell you and it's not worth your time. (Just my opinion).

       

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    • Posted

      I agree. A professional therapist would not encourage reasons for who is at fault, or who to blame. That is not a solution to anything which is why 19 years later there is no closure. David needs a new shrink, and someone who is not attached to the church or his past.
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  • Posted

    Google magnolia menopause husband blogs and magnolia menopause blogs, and you will get your answers! I'm a little confused as well being 19 years ago, but I guess hey better late than never maybe!!!

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  • Posted

    In my experience a mans ignorance, impatience and use of phrases like 'slammed her knees together' and 'going nuts' , are no help whatsoever.  Understanding, compassion and true love are what's important.

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