Hyper aware of my consciousness + constant panic fear of suddenly losing control and dying

Thank you so much for your reply, I am glad I am not alone in combating this.

Yes, this episode was trigerred (I believe) by an ongoing health anxiety related to the pandemic. But I was always anxious about my health, I used to think about death and dying a lot, and I had numerous episodes where I would be afraid that I had an undiagnosed illness and stuff like that.

Funny enough, after a number of months of being stressed out because of the pandemic, I had several "good" months where I switched focus and I was doing things that I loved. But then all of a sudden, I ended up in the situation above.

I talked to a psychiatrist and she said it is "a typical anxiety disorder". She didn't say which one, but I also think it's OCD.

I will try to distract myself and be positive as much as I can, I will see how that works. If it doesn't help, I will consider a therapy.

good idea, youtube is quite good as well for finding people describing their own ocd experience, as well as advice from specialist ocd therapists. I haven't watched any for a while, it's something I seek out more when I'm really bad.

I also read a few ocd books a while ago, although it's hard to start reading when you're ill, I remember especially 'The Man Who Couldn't Stop' and 'Because We Are Bad' - I can see some more on amazon by typing 'ocd memoir'.

Also, more generally 'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig was a quick easy read, although I'm not sure exactly what his diagnosis is - his bad episode started after a heavy drinking session, I think it's interesting how the body and mind interact.

I also find it interesting how ocd manifests in the brain - as you say it feels like your mind is 'broken' - if you look online you can find the latest research on which brain circuits are involved/misfiring in ocd disorders / the latest treatments etc - I remember even seeing about treatment involving an electrical device that kind of zapped the misfiring parts of the brain back to normal...well you get the idea. You can't 'out-think' OCD as it's as much a physical condition as a psychological one but hopefully you can find a way out of it, I'm not a great example because I still struggle but I wish you luck with it.

Thank you once again! I will have to look into the latest research, I had no idea about these new treatments for OCD. I am looking forward to the time when we would be able to directly manipulate our emotions with nanobots, but until that time comes, we will have to stick with what we have.

I am glad you are doing better, at least you no longer have to live struggling so badly like I do now. I believe with time, it will be even better and I hope I will get there as well eventually. Feeling panic discomfort because of the fact that you are conscious and alive is so weird. I think a general fear of panic attacks/losing control has evolved into this feeling. Because I feel a mixture of both - I get a panic fear that I would die/lose control and also be overwhelmed by my consciousness and my surroundings.

Like the mind was constantly "on alert" and then it started fearing its own existence. It is super weird. And it doesn't resonate with what I think on a rational level, since as I said, I like living and I am totally not suicidal (I hate death). But as you say, you can't out-think OCD.

It's not the first time I felt like this, but somehow, before I was able to zap out of those feelings, or they didn't really bother me that much. The panic attacks were always uncomfortable, though, but they weren't on my mind all the time. And yet now, they are constantly on my mind and it's really frustrating. Truth be told, there are moments when I feel a bit better (interestingly enough, whenever I have a bigger meal, anxiety levels would reduce temporarily), but even then, these thoughts are still lurking and trying to make a flood again. Last night I woke up almost shaking because of these out-of-this-world feelings of panic. Right now, I feel better, and I hope I stay like this for a bit longer even though, the thoughts are still there.

Btw, you've mentioned gut health and anxiety.........that is true, the two are heavily connected. I had viral gastric infections often and I am almost certain that at least some of them contributed to these feelings as well. Incidentally, I had some gastric problems in August and that is exactly when this horrific episode started.............do you think there could be a causative effect there?

Yes I'm not sure how they interact I've had both problems since I was a teenager (34 now) - health anxiety along with physical/gut discomfort - and of course the unpleasant, intrusive sensations from your body help fuel the intrusive thoughts - I've tried things like the low FODMAP diet before, I should probably do this again. I also had a very bad episode that coincided with bad gastritis a few years ago - preceded by many weeks of feeling full/bloated/tired even when I was hardly eating all day, I lost quite a lot of weight and then started to feel really bad physically and mentally, intrusive thoughts, lost a lot of sleep etc. I've been feeling similarly recently but hopefully I won't get that bad again, I think there might be a seasonal affect as well.

I just checked, the treatment I was thinking of is called 'deep brain stimulation'.

Also there's something called 'polyvagal theory' which explains how the brain / emotions/ gut nerves interact - I've started reading about this before but gave up, I think it's still being researched but I think it might hopefully offer some more answers and practical solutions

We are almost the same age! I am 3 years younger, but it certainly appears these problems are common in 20s and 30s.

Yes, you've described that so well, intrusive sensations from the body sure help fuel intrusive thoughts. And eating helps ease the symptoms. My health anxiety has the (obvious) bad effects, but it has some good sides as well. It makes me take better care of my health and actually I am planning to switch fields and go into health science. There are some biological problems that I would like to solve. I think the future of healthcare looks great, and the best thing is, we may be there to witness them. In the near future (given the current trends), even aging itself will be controllable, which means no more needless suffering and no more cancer, heart disease, dementia, etc (all of them are basically directly caused by aging)..........now we know that aging is reversible and not an inevitable fate that we all have to go through. There is a good possibility that people of our age will benefit from these treatments, and I am certainly looking forward to it. This decade and the next one are crucial for anti-aging therapies.

Yes, my intrusive thoughts and these obsessions have started right alongside bad gastritis in my as well. I had these thoughts before as well, even the consciusness thingie....but I didn't react so heavily and I certainly didn't obsess over them. But now the impact is much worse, and as I said, they became an obsession. Stomach infection and gastritis almost certainly made everything worse.

Vitamin D is another thing to take in mind. Ever since the pandemic started, I didn't go out a lot and I am almost certainly vitamin D deficient. I take 1000 IU daily in the form of supplements since August but it may take a lot to reach normal levels with this quantity..........vitamin D deficiency can also trigger all of these things. Once we can start getting out a bit more, it will be better hopefully.

I am feeling a bit better these last 2 days but I still obsess over consciesness, I still feel overwhelmed by it and it still creates huge anxiety. The "good" moments are a sign that hopefully my body won't react so heavily whenever the thought pops up in my head and hopefully it won't be such an obsession like it is now. If only it didn't create such heavy anxiety, I would've overcame the problem already. I have the option to start taking meds, I will see how it goes in the next days and weeks and then I will decide. I've spoken to a psychiatrist again today, he confirmed it is an anxiety disorder "with OCD elements" and "elements of panic". I can try talking to him as one form of therapy or I can take meds (or both). I will see how it goes from here, I had 2 better days, although it is still a problem. I hope you will manage to control your OCD as well.

The fact that I am taking a third dose of the COVID vaccine is also fueling the anxiety a bit. I am delaying it because of these problems but I will have to take it sooner rather than later, Delta is on the rampage in my country (COVID also made anxiety worse, the intense anxiety related to it also played a role). I didn't have any side-effects from the first two doses, but I am bit scared what will happen if I do get some side-effects (fever etc) while being in such an anxious state. But hopefully it will be fine.

Sounds a good idea going into healthcare, suffering with this has also made me consider if I could help other people somehow, although the academic process is long and expensive I imagine. In terms of meds, I was taking sertraline and propranolol, I was subscribed big doses but only took small amounts - because of my health anxiety I'm reluctant to take loads of pills long term - but I came off them all within about a year. I think often doctors will make you feel worse by suggesting you'll have to be on large doses of meds permanently. I did improve over that time but I think it was mainly because I was talking to different people (even useless therapists are better than nothing), understanding what was happening to me and slowly I was able to fill my time with other things. I started going to language/art/writing classes because I wasn't working - this was often actually a struggle but not as much as just being alone with the illness doing nothing. I think lifestyle/people around you/sense of purpose has more effect on how ill or well you feel, but these are hardest to change, so I think some medication is fine as a way of making life easier on yourself while you try to recover, e.g. propranolol can ease the effect of constant adrenaline on your body.

Vitamin D sounds a good idea, I know it's been suggested as a strong defence against COVID, although I think by now COVID shouldn't be a huge threat to most people, although sometimes I'm not sure what to think as the media seem to persist in creating a sense of threat around it

Yes, unfortunately, the process is long and expensive. Luckily, I do have an online business and I am planning to use some of that money to fund my tuition costs. Being your own boss is a great thing, but unfortunately it also gives you plenty of time to think about yourself, and in both of our cases, it created a problem with anxiety (or made it worse anyway).

I had 3 good days and 1 bad one, right now I am also having a somewhat good day but the intrusive thoughs are kinda always there, it is like "you have to think about them". Did you also have fluctuations like this? The biggest discomfort right now is that, as I explained, is that existence itself is giving me panic anxiety for some reason. My mind is literally toying with me. I don't have the depersonalization thing where I feel detached from reality or something, it's the hyper-awareness thing. You become aware of yourself/your consciusness, it freaks you out and you want to escape but you are unable to and that creates all the mess. I feel that a fear/obsession with panic attacks has evolved into this feeling. Did you also have feelings like these? At moments, it feels I am close to becoming my old self, but then I have bad days and it backfires. But I have no clue how to "make peace with being aware" again. It's not that it feels different now, it just somehow feels "overwhelming" for my mind. It is so strange. I will have to distract myself somehow, that's the only thing I can think of since I think intrusive thoughts are causing this.

COVID (now with the Delta variant especially) can also produce symptoms like these in people who recover as well. The Post-COVID syndrome is so frightening, it can literally disable people. We are lucky to have "only" anxiety (it would be best not to suffer from this at all, but still a better option than having long COVID or Post-COVID syndrome). The number of cases that suffer from things that we suffer from as well will certainly rise exponentially in the following months and years.

yes it's exactly what I had, it completely takes you over, I think all OCD types have a very similar pattern, but with different narratives and compulsions, and they can manifest on a scale of mildly annoying (checking external things e.g. that doors are locked) to a completely debilitating mental breakdown. I think under the wrong conditions, 'mildly neurotic traits' can turn into what we have had. When it's like you have now it's completely overwhelming though.

Also it makes it hard to talk to a therapist because if you're like me you'll probably sound quite incoherent because it fills your head with a sensory overload of sensations / dread and fear / an endless nonsense narrative. A general pattern, for me would involve:

1. hyper aware/ feeling of panic / 'what if...' narrative / flashbacks of images /narrative from previous anxiety causing events/thoughts
2. a feeling you have to 'work something out' / counteract the fearful feeling with some reason it won't happen / idea of doing something about it - if this isn't done then the loop continues!
3. the feeling you are responsible for what is happening / perpetuating it / failing to stop it etc.

   You will also probably be full of adrenaline / exhausted / just want to rest from it all. This can take you over like a migraine of thoughts and sensations and debilitate you, and over time you'll find you can't find pleasure in )and don't seek out) real world sensations at all, you're just trapped in this thing.

I think it's valuable to be able to externalise these thoughts/ feelings/experiences in a non-judgemental setting, but I don't think many therapists will understand what's happening to you (maybe I didn't find a good one). Ideally you want to relieve the strain on yourself, be able to get back to living a full and active life where you feel safe and like you have control of yourself and your own life. I'm certainly not at that point, I'm still struggling through, and sometimes I'm still completely overwhelmed so I have no advice unfortunately. At least I have some of my old pills, just in case - it's some comfort at least, you could maybe do with some meds like propanolol / benzodiazepines just to have as a backup plan

Oh my God, you described that so well. This is exactly how I feel. I am really enjoying our conversation and it makes me feel better, I hope it's the same for you as well.

I would constantly think about how strange and overwhelming it is to be conscious etc and I would then be hyper-aware of my surroundings. Then I would panic and then the loop would just go in circles. This was happening before as well, but it wasn't on my mind all the time and my mind wasn't fixated on it, so it wasn't a problem. Sadly, now it is.

Do you also have the feeling that your mind basically wants you to stay in that loop forever and that, in rare ocassions,when you do relax, you somehow still feel strange and wonder "should it be like this" and then the panic starts again. It's like the mind is completely overriden with anxiety and doesn't know how to return to normal, which makes you feel so confused and hopeless. You don't know how to overcome the situation because you keep spinning in circles and you have no control of the situation. Do you feel the same way?

Trying to relax helps, but having these thoughts repeatedly means they still win in the end. I am also trying to convince myself that I had no problem existing in the past and I should have no problem existing now. And it does provide some relief, but as you say, I also have flashbacks and images of previous anxiety attacks and it doesn't work in the long run. But even a temporary relief is something at least. It gives me hope that there is a chance to improve the condition.

I suddenly started liking sleeping a lot, that's when I can shut down my mind and just rest. But sadly, I often struggle to sleep because of these thoughts, which makes anxiety even worse the next day. But when I do get good quality sleep, it feels like a blessing.

No matter how hard it is, we need to be positive. At the core, anxiety is causing this. We need to do our best to lower our anxiety levels, they are over the roof probably. It will help our mind function better as well, but of course, that is easier said than done. Especially when the mind got used to this loop and an anxious state in general. I have some good days where I can function normally, I feel like I got over it, but then it returns, I get frustrated, and we are back to the drawing board

We won't go crazy from this, even though it feels like it when an attack reaches its peak.

Did you try SSRIs? I could try propanolol, I have seen some people taking it. I am thinking of telling my psychiatrist to put me on a combination of SSRI like Zoloft and one benzodiazepine. Currently I am not on any treatment, I am trying to overcome it without medication, but as you also know, it's hard. Probably not impossible but very hard indeed.

oh yeah definitely it's helpful to talk about it, I usually don't nowadays, I haven't been to a doctor or any kind of therapist for a long time, although maybe I should.

I used to take the SSRI Sertraline - my doctor advised the maximum 200mg and maximum propranolol dose, but I took far less - probably making it harder on myself.

My OCD symptoms come and go along with other physical symptoms, that OCD 'template' I wrote can have different obsessions/narratives depending on context, which can affect me at different times. Unfortunately, despite recognizing the pattern and symptoms it still comes back when my life goes downhill, you often don't realise what's happening.

I'm again not working right now, I was trying to start a teaching job abroad in September and I was better when I was applying/doing online interviews but then nothing worked out, the OCD was already in the background but it can get much worse when you don't have other purpose/ things to focus on.

I think you'll recover at some point and all this will be like some half-remembered nightmare. However when I'm well I always forget how mental I can actually become and how horrific it is.

Mindful exercises can offer some relief, but can be exhausting. Or just get up and move - a bad OCD attack can literally immobilise you so it's some relief to just get up, punch the air, run up and down etc. (although this will probably make you look even more crazy!). Outside support is the best but it's not always very easy to get, at least here in the UK (of any quality), and I don't have any now.

Yeah, I believe SSRI can certainly help....at least to make the condition more tolerable. I assume it took some time for it to start working? Did you have any side-effects?

I also have physical symptoms.........I get acid reflux and gastric pain along with my anxiety. And what I noticed is that the symptoms are the worst in the morning and when I eat, I feel a bit better.

The last couple of days have been better, but my mind is still preoccupied with itself and I am still aware of my surroundings to the point of having panic anxiety. I even forgot how "normal" feels like. I am only afraid that I will be stuck in this mindset forever 😦

As you've said outside support is the best, but unfortunately, I don't have any. I have to deal with it on my own. So far, distraction and going on with my usual activities helps, but these thoughts are still present. If only I was able to "cut" them from my brain manually, the problem would have been solved. It is so scary.

I think I remember the doctor saying the SSRI takes weeks or months to fully work - which is why they didn't feel like much comfort to me, as for side effects I actually have no idea if they worked or had side effects as I was so ill, but somehow I improved. I've had some very bad days as well over the last week or more, the worst in a long time, although it's eased off so I can function now - but apart from your idea of blasting parts of your brain out (an idea I've also fantasised about) I don't have good ideas. Carrying on with a routine sounds good. The Mind website has a section called 'get help now' which I've never used but it's good to know there are things there. When I had the gastritis as well I went up the hospital a few times because I felt so ill, not just mentally but physically, pain/bad palpitations etc - of course it wasn't much help but they did give me something like a diazepam once which took some edge off it for a few hours. I don't think you can directly do anything about what your mind/body is doing, so if you have nothing else it might help to create some backup plan / worst case scenario for if you can't take any more - e.g. going to hospital A and E

Yes, that's right, it can take some time for the antidepressant to start working and some people have reported that, in that very beginning, it actually made them more anxious. But in the long run, it pays off. At least you can function.

This week has been better for me. Doing my usual routine has also made me "forget" about it, and even though it was very briefly, it was a relief. I have better moments and worse moments, but overall, the last 7 days have been an improvement compared to what I was experiencing before. The feeling of "being stuck/the fact that I am existing being overwhelming" is still there but it is more "bearable" to cope with. Though I still have moments when I just feel this type of mental confusion. Like, even when I relax, I somehow feel strange and my mind wants to return to the state of panic, and I am now also hyper-aware of my feelings and my thoughts. I believe you felt these same things too.

And I feel my anxiety levels are, in general, still high, but the number of physical symptoms has somewhat decreased. I have the worst moments when sleeping and I would often wake up feeling severly stressed out. Sleep has gotten better, but I have one episode every night when I would wake up and I would feel pain in my chest, my arms and legs. And the usual tingling that is the trademark of anxiety.

But despite that, there have been improvements, I just need to be patient. It didn't develop overnight and it won't go away overnight. When the bad moments come, I am trying to tell myself "relax, you are fine". And while it doesn't resolve the problem, it helps me relax. Even though, because of this hyper-awareness feeling, relaxation somehow feels weird now, but yeah, certainly better than the state of anxiety.

I definitely think I made this whole thing worse by trying to resolve it. I've had these thoughts popping up before as well, but the difference is - I didn't care and didn't obsess about them. Once I started having more regular panic attacks, I focused on it in an attempt to solve it, and we got this situation.

I am sad to hear you are struggling a lot again. I hope you've had some good days after the bad ones at least so that you can, at least, get some relief. If only there was a button to shut down anxiety for good, our problems would've been solved instantly.

I'm not too bad now, relatively. Yes hopefully yours eases off soon, the difficulty is being trapped by the illness, essentially it acts like an attacker that destroys your sense of self, then tells you you're on your own, no one and nothing can help and you're somehow bringing your suffering on yourself (even though you have no direct control over any of what is happening), all the time sapping your life-force, making it difficult to make any new decisions or change your environment in a way that might actually help.

Now I have some respite I'm trying to concentrate on making some positive real life decisions - easier said than done. Keep us updated of how you get on, I really hope you don't have to suffer too long with it

Sorry I'm a bit late, I had some connection issues that are now resolved.

I have to say, even though we don't know each other, I am really enjoying our discussion here and your support makes me feel better and less hopeless.

I am still struggling, I had two awful days this weekend which caused me to postpone my vaccination..........I had a sleepless night and I felt horrible in the morning. The next couple of days now are better, but I am still struggling. I should start my treatment soon too, although this will only be a talk in the beginning, and later down the road, we will see if there is a need for some medications.

Still, despite these bad days now, overall, it's better than it used to be a month ago, which is something. But this existential/hyper-awareness anxiety/OCD is horrible. It's like you realize you are alive and stuck in this body.........like your mind can't comprehend reality itself, and it is hard to switch focus because you are conscious all the time and the awareness itself is creating the anxiety....but there are occassions when I manage to do it, even though it's a brief relief.

The best strategy and the one that helps the most right now is just to relax and try not to care about it. Basically, accept these feelings and let them do their thing without trying to fight them. And then it's tolerable/bearable. But as you said, it destroys your inner self, and now I am even questioning what it feels like to be normal etc.........so horrible. But I am hopeful it will go away in due time. At least I know these thoughts can't harm me, they're just very uncomfortable.

Making positive real life decisions is a great idea, I will try to do the same. I hope you are feeling even better right now.

I'm not doing well, I'm glad you've got the opportunity to have some treatment - I suppose I should see someone again, hopefully you get something long term, I've only ever seen someone for a few weeks, filled out a few 'how are you on a scale of 1 to 10' type questions every week and had some superficial discussions which only have limited benefit, but then that was just our free NHS treatment.

It does come and go, I'm not sure why exactly, but recently I've had more periods where I'm so exhausted and disorientated and the churning of the OCD narrative is so prominent.

I found when I first spoke to a couple of therapists I sounded quite confused / confusing, I suppose it takes some time for them to understand you - an OCD specialist would be good. As you say, OCD is an illness that affects the self - a shutdown and disconnect of your own emotions and sense of yourself, you feel unsafe and out of control in your own mind and body. You get lost in an OCD story where you are cast in a very diminished and helpless role, it always feels like you're fighting yourself, or some immovable force. I remember seeing a box of tissues on the desk of the first lady I saw and thinking how ridiculous was the idea of me crying in a session - I was already so shut down from the onslaught of it - and sometimes I feel they forget to see us as a whole person and try to connect to that person, someone who happens to have a confusing/sometimes terrifying sensory experience on the inside due to negative life experiences but would desperately like to have a rest from it, forget it forever and start focussing on real life pleasures, challenges, relationships etc. Well anyway, let me know how it goes, I guess anything is better than nothing

Sorry to hear you're not doing well, I am also struggling........although I somehow managed to "interrupt" the cycle of existential thoughts, that one feeling that started all of this is still there. Basically that thought of "being stuck in reality and having nowhere to escape" is the one looping on repeat, though I had some additional ones where I would question how it feels like to be normal, whether all of this is normal, etc... I managed to somehow reduce the number of these additional questions but that single one is torturing me all the time. And it's like the mind wants to escape all the time, it's so disturbing. I think I got into the state of depersonalization/derealization and then the mind started obsessing with it and this is the outcome. It started after a panic attack, I didn't have obsessive thoughts before....or at least I think I haven't.

Do you also have these thoughts bothering you even in a relaxed state? Like, even when I manage to relax, they are still there wanting to create chaos. It's like you never have peace (except when sleeping), and with this whole "mind cannot comprehend reality and it wants to escape" narrative that my mind has created, it's almost like your mind wants you to give up on living. It's really disturbing. And as you've said, you have no control over these feelings.

Basically, I would tell myself that I am fine and that nothing is going to happen...but then the mind still wants to "escape" and it's like it says "well yeah, you are safe, but also stuck" and then the relaxation cycle is distrupted. It's like it WANTS something to happen so that it can escape. Also, when I think of taking medications to prevent these anxious feelings, the mind starts panicking because it "wants" the panic feeling to remain. Unbeliavable, just like you said, you are fighting your brain in overdrive.

I had that one talk with my psychiatrist which did help to a degree, but of course, it doesn't resolve the problem. He told me it takes time and patience. I asked him if he thinks I'd need some antidepressant to make this expereince easier and so far he hasn't replied but I will see what he has to say soon enough.

I hope it will get easier for both of us. It's been "just" 3 months of this and I am already completely overwhelmed. How long are you struggling? Let me know how you are feeling now, we are fighting this together.

well it's interesting you ask how long I've been struggling - I mean, if I put together my own life story of neurotic problems, it would start as a young child being a bit too obsessed with germs, as a young teenager I had a more extreme health anxiety, ruminating and checking the medical encyclopaedia and convincing myself I had something bad etc. - as I got older, I think the intrusive feelings / thoughts / body sensations probably became worse, or at least changed, although I was still living a reasonably full life around it - I became obsessed with my heart, and would compulsively check my pulse when I had intrusive sensations/thoughts (somehow OCD can make you feel like you are responsible for your own body sensations - even when this isn't physically possible / are failing in some way by having them) .

As for when did this change to something like you have - I'm not sure, I think, as I mentioned before, when I quit a job a couple of years ago (the end of a long and stressful period) - I was already overwhelmed by the physical/mental effects of anxiety - so all it needed was some time roaming around with my mind idle to collapse in on itself.

I try to avoid starting to 'explain' my OCD - i.e. 'I feel this, then it does that, then I remember this thing...etc' - because for me, that very much is a big part of the OCD, that churning narrative - it feels like, maybe just one more thought and I can 'work out' what's wrong with me and what I'm thinking and what I'm doing wrong and how I might solve it in the future, and how I've failed to in the past - that's the compulsion. As you say, when it's particularly overwhelming it often feels like you're testing 'yourself' / trying to continue the suffering.

I've had some very bad days, but some days I can function fine without feeling I'm fighting all the time, I think it's really positive that you're seeing a psychiatrist, hopefully you can build a good connection with him and feel comfortable to talk with him.

I apologize for such a late reply, I had issues with my PC, but they are finally fixed now.

My anxiety journey is very similar to yours. I was always anxious and I was always questioning all kinds of things. My health anxiety was also worse in the past, though I still have it. One good side of it, though, is that it made me pay close attention to what I eat, how much to exercise (though I didn't exercise a lot when I was younger, I started doing it more actively when I turned 25 or so), etc..........but the bad side, of course, is that it made me obsess over different diseases, and just like you, I would compulsively check if everything is fine, etc...........health anxiety, in general, is much better now, but I am now stuck with this DP/DR/existential crap.

How are you feeling now? I feel somewhat better but my brain is still torturing me. I can function but DP/DR is still there and I have a whole bunch of existential questions looping left and right. Being stuck in reality and wanting to escape, then how I can't believe other things/reality can exist, then how existing is strange/overwhelming, then when I feel normal, I would question the feelings of "normal".........

Interestingly, whenever I try to train my brain to just not care, that also triggers anxiety. I guess, because it got used to being anxious and now I want to change that. It want to stay anxious all the time + it wants to escape reality as I've mentioned.

For now, I am still dodging the meds and trying to deal with it without them, but I won't lie, it's hard. There are good days/days when I can function, but there are also horrible days and days when I even have sleepless nights because of this. But I am hopeful it will get better. I hope you are not suffering too much at the moment.