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Hyper aware of my consciousness + constant panic fear of suddenly losing control and dying

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milos92199
milos92199

Hi everyone,

it is tough to explain what I am going through but I will give my best hoping that someone can help me...it will be a longer message...

Lately, I have been very bothered by severe anxiety and some kind of intense panic fear, which is more or less constantly present and it has now become a kind of obsession without any reason. I had similar episodes of anxiety before, I had panic attacks, sometimes out of the blue when I wasn't stressed at all (unfortunately I am prone to anxious behaviour since childhood) but it was not a big problem and it didn't bother me a lot because the episodes were sporadic. They would happen, it would be uncomfortable, and I would just think on something else and then everything would pass eventually and I would move on with my life.

However, sometime in August, I had a panic attack after a stressful situation, and from that moment on, even though the attack passed like any other, my mind got "fixated" on that situation and now I pretty much constantly feel some panic in the sense that something terrible will happen, that I will die any second, etc......it seems like my mind is stuck in the fight-or-flight mode.

In addition to that, I became hyper-aware of my existence and I have started to be afraid of my own consciousness and being alive in the first place. It's bizarre, especially since I am not suicidal and I like living, I would want to live forever if I could. But this feeling gives me terrible anxiety. It's like my mind is scared of reality when I become aware of it and it wants to "run away" from the body and shut itself down. But since that is not possible, anxiety builds up and I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack. It's a horrible feeling.

This has all happened to me before, these same things (including hyper awareness of my consciousness) but the episodes would be short and less intense. But now feelings are constant, my mind is stuck on auto loop and these thoughts are being repeated over and over so I am constantly stressed out even when I manage to relax. I just can't get it out of my head no matter what I do.

Worst of all, I am aware that this is all a product of my mind. I know these fears are irrational and I am aware that there is no danger for me, but no matter how much I try to tell myself that it's just anxiety and that it will pass, anxiety is still winning and it frustrates me a lot. On rare occasions I do manage to switch focus to something else which is quite a relief when it happens (even though it's very briefly), but then these feelings come back stronger than they were and I have the impression that they are present in the background even when I manage to calm down (briefly that is). I would feel good temporarily and then suddenly I would become aware of my consciousness again, I would get the desire to "switch it off" when anxiety starts rising and everything would start from the beginning (I would be afraid of dying, losing my mind, etc ....).

Is there any hope for me or will I be stuck in this hell forever (until I actually do go insane)? Is my mind broken? I haven't tried any medications, I have only tried to distract myself and think positively, which sometimes does help, but it's not strong enough to stop these things from happening. No psychological coping mechanism that I have tried can contain this type of anxiety when I start focusing on my consciousness and I feel hopeless. A psychiatrist told me that these feelings are very common for an anxiety disorder but so far I haven't started any treatment.

Any advice is very grateful. Thanks in advance

2 likes, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • sasical72
    sasical72 milos92199

    Edited

    Hi there,

    I have had exactly the same as you when my anxiety has been severe, also I have not been 'oficially" diagnosed but doctorsbhave said to me that I present OCD. I also know other people with severe anxiety that have these thoughts and symptoms, they really are mpre common than we think, it's just people don't go around talking about it. People who don't know me well would never guess, I seem quite chill.

    No you will NOT be stuck like that forever, 100% guaranteed. As soon as you can accept that this is how you are for now, the more you will relax and symptoms will start to decrease, slowly.

    Can I ask you your age?

    • milos92199
      milos92199 sasical72

      Edited

      Thanks a lot, I am glad to know that I am not the only one with these thoughts and symptoms! Feeling panic and anxiety because of there mere fact that you are existing is so weird and yet, there it is. As you say, it is most likely a consequence of severe longterm anxiety. I think a fear of panic attacks/losing control/dying has somehow evolved into this fear over time.

      I hope you are feeling better now.

      What's funny is that I had these thoughts and symptoms sporadically for a while, but while they were uncomfortable, I didn't obsess over them and they didn't bother me significantly. They would pop up, make me feel uncomfortable for a bit, and then they would disappear. But now all of a sudden, they became an obsession and they are giving me severe discomfort. I feel the best when I am sleeping because then I can't think about these things. Such an irony.

      I am 31. Unfortunately, I have been prone to anxious behavior since childhood. Over time, it basically became a habit for my mind to be anxious in one way or another. When I relax, I have a feeling that my mind constantly wants to return to the state of panic and alarm. Do you have the same feelings too?

    • sasical72
      sasical72 milos92199

      Edited

      Yup, I used to get those exact same feelings too. I don't any longer.

      With age my anxiety has morphed into health anxiety.

      I asked you your age because I had that type of anxiety when I was 30, it was like an existential crisis and other people I know that have had it have been around that age too. The other day I found out something very strange and coincidental. I don't know anything about astrology but I heard something about Saturn Return and looked it up. If you Google Saturn Return meaning...it's interesting...

    • milos92199
      milos92199 sasical72

      Edited

      It sure does appear that these problems are common in 30s. All of us who are commenting here started having these problems in their 30s, what a coincidence 😃

      These last 2 days have been better, but I still obsess over consciousness and it still feels "overwhelming" which fuels anxiety and also panic attacks. But, there are some good moments which gives me hope that in the near future I will overcome this state, or at least, when the thoughts do pop up, I won't react so heavily.

      I am almost certain that my stomach infection + gastritis "triggerred" this episode back in August, or actually made everything worse since I had these thoughts before as well (but I didn't obsess over them). But your messages surely gave me hope.

      I will have to take my third dose of the COVID vaccine this week or the next one and that also gives me a bit of anxiety. Not necessarily because of the vaccine itself, I had almost no reactions at all after the first two doses, but I am anxious because I am in such a state that I am easily triggered and if I do get some fever, I'm afraid I will make the problem worse with this constant and intense anxiety. But hopefully it will be fine.

      Interestingly, in my case health anxiety morphed into these obsessive thoughts. Did you take any meds to control your symptoms or did they start decreasing eventually? A doctor told me today it is an anxiety disorder with elements of both OCD and panic disorder. I can talk to him, that is one option for the therapy or I can take meds (or both). I would try to avoid meds for now, but if symptoms get worse, I will have to take them so that at least I can function properly.

  • joann88960
    joann88960 milos92199

    Posted

    I have the same situation as your ! i went to the hospital as well but they said im anxious, they did blood test and heart monitor everythjng is perfect ! but im feeling im going to died , felt my breath is gone and im turning blue at the same time ! the hospital asked me to follow up with my family doctor and the doctor perscribe quater lexapro for the first week and half for a month but seem it still not much help then increase to 10 mg for 8 weeks still anxiety up and down and now im on 15 mg for 4 days still waiting for the outcome . The doctor also gave me xanax which is really good , only used when need ! Hope this well help you

  • bv97
    bv97 milos92199

    Posted

    Have you ever considered the possibility of being autistic? I am on the spectrum and can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned in your post. There's much more to being autistic, things that you might experience as well without knowing why 😃

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