Hypochondria (Health Anxiety) is taking over my life. Here’s my story, asking for help.
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Hello, this is going to be quite lengthy but it is all necessary and I would really appreciate it if you would read to the end.
I have a debilitating mental illness, which is anxiety. More specifically, hypochondria or health anxiety.
It all began when I was sixteen. I was completely healthy with no medical history. I had a panic attack before I fell asleep one night. It was very frightening as I had never had one of these before. I had chest pains, I was feeling cold sweats go down my body and I was very short of breath. I went to see the doctor the next day, and I had a simple EKG done (the first of many..) EGK was normal but he said if this persists, further testing will be done.
Of course, I kept having these attacks. Except they really did feel like heart related symptoms. I would be short of breath, chest pain radiating to the jaw & left arm. I went to the Emergency Room one day after I was so out of breath and weak. Every time I tried to stand up, I would start to black out. I received another EKG, a chest x-ray, blood work, stress EKG, and an echocardiogram. All results were normal. This was a huge relief for me as I was worried out of my mind that I had some heart condition. After a few days, my symptoms went away.
2 months later, my groin area hurts. It hurts when I walk especially and it’s tender to the touch. As with my past symptoms, I ask the internet to see what I have and it says testicular cancer. So for a month I research, and research testicular cancer to see if this was what I had. I finally got a scan and it was negative. And the symptoms diminished.
At this point, I’m starting to realize that I have some sort of realization issue. I need to know that everything I feel isn’t a life threatening disease. However, my mind can’t grasp that yet.
6 months later, I get a headache. I get headaches all the time, they run in my family and it’s no big deal. But this one, it felt.. different. It occurred on one side of my head and it was constant. I felt it everyday. Soon afterwards I develop photophobia, olfactory hallucinations, and the scariest part was that one of my pupils was bigger than the other. There had to be something serious going on. Back to the internet, and internet says I have a brain lesion. However, I didn’t exhibit some of the more common symptoms of brain tumors such as dizziness, headache worse when laying down, nausea, vomiting, blurred or double vision. That was reassuring, but I was still terrified. After a few doctors appointments, I convince the doctor to order me a CT scan of the head. It is done, and the scan was normal. I was ecstatic.. temporarily. It seemed too good to be true, so I researched “Can a CT scan rule out brain tumors?” And the internet said “CT scans rule out most tumors, but definitely not all.” The fear sank back in.. and all over again I’m terrified and I’m back at the doctor. I am given the gold standard, the MRI. The results came back after a nerve wracking 24 hours and the results were.. normal.
And just like that, my symptoms vanish. This is all CLEARLY in my head. I have come to the realization that somehow, my mind creates imaginary symptoms to diseases I don’t have. It sounds really crazy.
One month later, knock knock. Guess who? Chest pain and shortness of breath are back! And WORSE than ever. I was in full out cardiac freak out mode. The symptoms I was experiencing now were textbook examples of myocardial ischemia. Chest pain on exertion, shortness of breath, chest pain that radiates to the left shoulder, arm and jaw, palpitations and irregular heartbeat. Now how could this be? All of my previous tests came back normal 6 months ago. I went to my doctor again and at this point I don’t feel welcome anymore. Anytime I walk into that place the all too familiar nurses roll their eyes like “this kid again..” and I’m basically like a broken record to my doctor. Every time I see him it’s “I’m pretty sure I’m dying. Can you order me this test so we can confirm that.” There are no more tests to do at this point. The only thing I do is go to a different urgent care facility every time I have extreme symptoms and they do an EKG that always ends up normal. It’s really strange, but I always really hope that one of those times the EKG will appear positive for some kind of abnormality, because a lot of the time you can have a cardiac arrhythmia but it won’t show electrocardiographic changes “all the time” just only at the right time.
Or.. it’s all in my head.
To this day I still experience those symptoms and I deal with them. No one knows what to do. Towards the beginning of 2017, my doctor and I agreed to start me on an SSRI medication for the anxiety. I went on fluoxetine (Prozac) for 6 months. Nothing changed. I was still always worried about my symptoms but I physically reacted more “chill” towards my worries around other people. I eventually went off the medication as I did not find it useful to me.
Fast forward.. two years.
So, two years have gone by. My condition has been at a constant. It’s not better, but it’s not worse and that’s good. Still experiencing chest pain, shortness of breath. And still freaking out about other illnesses but these episodes usually last about a few days and I get over it. Something big is about to happen though. I’m about to start college. And this condition MUST be eradicated before college because if I keep letting it take over my life throughout school, I will be setting myself up for failure.
First half of freshman year is alright. Hypochondria is still present.. I Went to the doctor a few times whenever I got a little cold.. you know just so I can make sure it gets healed and doesn’t progress to meningitis, sepsis, myocarditis, rheumatic fever etc. That’s my hypochondric laundry list of worst fears whenever I feel the smallest amount of any pain. Per usual, there were points where my chest pain/shortness of breath were very bad again and had me freaked out.
Second semester of freshman year.. the PEAK of this disease. This was a living nightmare. So.. I get back from Christmas break, ready to start the new year. Only a few days in, an all too familiar symptom strikes: daily headaches. Once again, I am not concerned because I have experienced these before and I know that they’re benign. However as the weeks progresses, I was deteriorating. My legs started to get very weak and I would wobble whenever bending my knees. My left hand developed a tremor and holding things / pouring drinks etc. was very tricky. And the scariest part.. my headaches were worse in the morning and when lying down, I developed frequent nausea and threw up often mostly in the morning, and I would have these awful dizzy spells. I once again looked up the symptoms of a brain tumor.. and I had 10/10 every.. single.. symptom. I went into a deep depression because I knew I was dying. I knew it was real this time. I was constant skipping class, and I was failing all of my classes. I went to the doctor, who was actually for once concerned and ordered me and MRI. The MRI was scheduled for 2 weeks ahead and that was the longest wait. The 2 weeks finally arrived and I had my MRI done, this time with and without contrast so I could definitely know what’s going on. I knew I had a tumor I just wanted to know where it was and what kind it was. After the scan, I took a dreaded 2 days to get the results. I was so anxious that I called my doctors cell phone to ask for the results myself.. and lo and behold.. they’re normal.
I was so relieved and shocked that it came back normal. But after months of deep depression I was free, until I felt a throbbing pain in my calf which is right now. I am scared I have a DVT and scheduled an ultrasound to rule it out. Am I experiencing all the symptoms? No but people often times have NO symptoms and then die suddenly.. but hey I’m just gonna get scanned and it’ll be normal and then I’ll wait until the next medical scare.
But this cannot keep going on..
I need serious help. I can’t get over this fear and it has enveloped my life, captivating my potential for a high quality of life. I am ready for a breakthrough and it needs to happen soon because my life is about to get so busy and it WILL NOT be held back by this disorder.
Please, anyone you’re more than welcome to talk to me. Tell me how to get help or tell me how to cope or share with me your experience with this.
Thank You
0 likes, 7 replies
Anto24285 zach27925
Posted
yup i get chest pain and short on breath all the time just came out the blue i hate it i monitor every breath i take feels like i have to yawn all the time to fill my lungs with air i cant seem to snap out of it i feel ya pain
Jen12345678 zach27925
Posted
first of all I'm so incredibly sorry you are going through this. You must be spending a fortune on all these tests. What I have found is that anxiety manifests itself in ways I had no idea. All the headaches you have had, the shortness of breath, tight chest, everything you have described is related to anxiety. I had my first panic attack at age I0. out of no where. ppl always ask if there was a trauma but no, there was not. unfortunately, some ppls brains are wired with this type of health anxiety and you are right that it totally interferes with normal life! I'm sorry the doctors made you feel bad, I went through the same thing. at some point you will need to throw your hands up and trust the results that are coming back normal even though it's very hard to do and seems really confusing. I was also certain I had all kinds of terrible problems but all my tests kept coming back normal. Well, I ended up going through 2 major traumas in my life of losing people. that sent me spiraling again and I was put on benzodiazepines. suddenly, things were fine. I could function like a normal person! then I found out they are a controlled substance which you cannot stay on long term !! talk about a total let down!! the Ssris do nothing for me either. The only thing I can put together is that ppl like us are deficient in GABA. NOT SEROTONIN. but guess What? there are no GABA meds other than benzodiazepines!! go figure!! it actually makes me furious that benzos are not ok long term for ppl with clear anxiety due to gaba deficiency. It seems absolutely cruel. I'm not "getting high " off benzos, I just feel NORMAL. I'm also not having any problems with tolerance, or them not working. they always work, solidifying the fact I am GABA deficient. I am now searching for a dr that is "brave" enough to prescribe benzos long term. I found one so far but he charges 700.00 cash per appointment!! it shows you that these doctors realize the demand for these drugs. I have also gone to an alternative doctor who cost 500.00 and told me my cortisol stress hormones are off the charts. duh! however, there is nothing so far I have found that sufficiently lowers cortisol except, you guessed it, benzos.
My guess is you have this same deficiency, bc it leads to unbearable anxiety. My anxiety got so bad I could literally not sleep, eat, drive, breathe, constant hyperventilating. I could not THINK. And yet the one thing that helps me is something the govt will not support. unbelievable. I hope you get answers. One over the counter supplement that did help me somewhat is called gabatrol and is on Amazon. It does not help like benzos though. I hope you will find what you need but I can assure you that anxiety in itself can manifest as major health problems even though you don't have the major health problems. It's literally JUST the anxiety.
lisa17089 zach27925
Posted
Hey zach
I hear you. This is me. Every unusual ache or pain I get I Google. I do it over and over again. My worst fears are cancer and I have had every cancer going, or so I thought. I'm always at doctors and they tell me it's anxiety, I've had blood tests, x rays mri, laporoscopy etc etc. At the moment my worse fear is mnd, I'm convinced I have it. I twitch quite a lot and have problems with my voice and throat, I won't bore you with all the details. But I'm scared to death, this illness is taking over my life, its destroying me. I've even taken myself off to A&E on numerous occasions over worries I had pancreatic /stomach and lung cancer. Like you I think and worry too much that I actually beleive I make my symptoms worse because once I get the all clear from my docs my issues get a lot better, until the next 1 comes along. I hate living like this, I would give anything for peace of mind xxx
kim97274 zach27925
Posted
please atleast try a different SSRI. zoloft has helped me
Italia06 zach27925
Posted
zach i've experienced much of what you've gone through and then some. feel free to message me direct to maybe offer some wisdom to help with your situation.
Mommyof5gigiof1 zach27925
Posted
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can relate exactly, this is my life
kayla02692 zach27925
Posted
Can you give me details on your olfactory hallucinations? I started to have these and Ct scan showed nothing.