I am a loser

I am 26 years old and I live in South Asia. Sorry if this is too long. I just had to pen my thoughts down . .

South Asian parents are infamous for how mean they can be to their kids, my mom has anger issues and Everytime she got mad at me she would beat me up, pull my hair, bang my head on the wall. . Anything

It started when I was a little kid and ended (well not really) when I moved to Canada in 2011 to study.

I had big dreams, I hated how narrow minded people in my country were and also it's very dirty like the streets, the rivers everything it's one of the most polluted countries in the world. So I wanted to settle in Canada. Alot of people have done it, all I had to do was finish my diploma and get a managerial job(it's mandatory to apply for permanent residency).

I go there and there is a huge culture shock, I'm living with my aunt and her family at this point and while they were very nice on their visits to my house, when I went to theirs it was a completely different story. I won't get too much into that. But basically a year later I had a huge accident, broke both my legs couldn't walk,. Had to come back to my country and took a gap year. My mother was abusive to me while I was on bed rest and totally dependent on her.

I get better, start walking, my aunt and uncle try to convince my dad to not send me back to Canada. He somehow didn't agree so they said that I couldn't live with them anymore when I was back. So I go back, find a place, complete my diploma. At this point I had. Just got out of college and had a 3 year work permit. My parents wanted me to come back and stopped paying for me so I took the first job I could find to make ends meet. This was at a grocery store.

I met someone there, well we kind of flirted but he was flirting with other girls too and it made me kind of upset. I was really head over heels in love with this guy (don't judge me, I don't know how it happened too).

So I basically quit that job because it was making me very depressed and also I needed a managerial job to get PR and began looking. I found one in this small store run by a Jewish guy (not judging or stereotyping) I worked there for quite a bit, at this point that guy wanted to see me so we met a couple of times, I kept on falling more and more for him. He was playing mind games with me though still but I couldn't stop myself. He would meet me and then disappear for sometime and then come back again. This one time I saw him in the mall I was working at, then I saw him in a helmet on a bike (I recognize by his eyes). Then I would see this black car everywhere I go it was like a truck.

One night I got out of my house, it was raining and this car was right outside my door, as I came out he started reversing, I started walking the other way, a few minutes later I turned around and the car was still there. Looking at me.

I decided to tell the police, the Canadian police couldn't care less for a South Asian girl being stalked. They weren't too nice to me while writing the complaint and. Didn't really do much about it.

As days passed by I started seeing him more and more. I have always suffered with anxiety and depression so I was starting to go a bit crazy, I started smoking too much weed, I got too paranoid. I even thought my friends were involved. I cut ties with all my friends.

One day on my way to work I fell and got a concussion and my boss fired me coz I needed a few days off. By now I had one 1.5 years left on my work permit and I had to start over.

I couldn't find a job and I was in a very bad frame of mind because of that guy, I loved him so much and all I ever wanted was to just be with him, but he just stalked me and never responded to my texts or calls.

I decided to move from Toronto to Saskatoon. Got a job there, I got a great job as a store manager but unfortunately I got fired from there. Saskatoon is small town and I was one of the few South Asians there. Everyone in the mall knew me, noone would hire me at this point and I was kind of a joke. I was so upset that I went to that store and broke a candle in rage. I was banned from that mall and had to spend the night in jail.

The weeks and months that followed saw me deteriorating mental health wise. I would just sit at home and drink, watch tv. That's basically all I did for a year.

I saw that guy in Saskatoon and lost my mind, I came back home and started drinking like crazy and started yelling "please leave me alone" , "stop coming after me". I was taked to the mental health hospital, locked in a room. I was just allowed to make one call to my father back in India and I remember all I said was, "please take me back right now" he was on his way.

I was given a proper room the next day in the psychiatrist ward or whatever.

It was one of the last days in Canada and that guy was my nurse (I know noone will believe this part) he came to me and said I had schizophrenia. I was so shocked and confused I didn't say anything to it. I just believed that I was the crazy one and kept going with it. He appeared to have gained like a 100 pounds. Same voice, same face.

That was the last time I saw him. I still don't know what happened, these questions will always remain unanswered. How was he just allowed to act like a nurse and no I don't have schizophrenia.i got it checked when I came back. Have never seen him again since I got back to my country.

I still suffer from acute depression and anxiety. Think about him everyday, it's been a couple of years. Wonder why he couldn't love me back? Wonder why someone would do that do someone?

People say that when something horrible happens to someone it usually has a silver lining.

I'm 26, I'm fat now, I have a very low grade job with less salary, very less it's not in the same field that I studied for and I suck at it like big-time. For love, I won't ever be able to love someone again. The pain? It just never stops even for a second. The country and the mom? They still suck the life out of me although I will mention she doesn't hit me as much. I have no future, I wasted all my dad's money and I'm a failure at 26. And my dream of living in a nicer country? Well it's still a dream but with no chances of being fulfilled now coz there's absolutely nothing I can do.

Thanks for reading if you read the whole thing, pls don't judge me.

1 like, 20 replies