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I am new to forums, but would love some input/advise

Posted , 9 users are following.

Vaper2015
Vaper2015

Hi all. I have never been a member in a forum before, so please bear with me as this is all very new to me. I would just like to know if anyone else experiences what I experience, or anything similar.

I have suffered with depression for many many years, I am a 39 year old female. I have always managed to work and maintain some kind of "normal" life on and off medication. 4.5 years ago I had an accident on an ice-rink and ruptured my ACL and PCL ligaments (main ligaments that hold knee together). NHS told me the pain I felt was "in my head, and it is normal for people with depression". For over a year I was hobbling around in agony, I had to give up my Uni place ( mature student) and could no longer drive. The medical staff made me feel like I was faking it, and it did some damage to my already depressed state of mind. After a year I finally told them if they didn't put a camera in my knee to investigate it thoroughly I would go private and sue them if anything was found ( was a bluff as I was now unemployed on benefits). They investigated my knee and discovered the damge so i had total ligament replacement x2 . Due to the fact it had been left so long, my knee had "deformed" as in it won't bend fully and won't straighten fully, I walk with a heavy limp and take painkillers few times a day ( Strong ones). I stayed on disabilty for 3 years, and I became agoraphobic, and literally didn't leave my house. I sank into deep depression and trusted no one. Anyway, 1.5 years ago I started my own company from home ( by pure accident by the way) and it grew so fast, I now have staff and work from a warehouse unit. My problem is I still feel miserable... I know that sounds weird, I should be happy with what I have and what I have achieved, but everyday I still struggle, I cry non stop, and still do not go out very much unless it is to work, and even some days that is hard. People tell me I " have nothing to be depressed about" and it has lead me to "pretend I am ok".. I feel like I am being ungrateful. For years I had dreamed of owning my own business, and I worked extrtemely hard to get it, but I still feel so empty every day. I have been put back on Mirtazapine 30mg 10 days ago and I actually think my crying is slowing down, I also think my mind is working differently, but I still have an emptyness I can't get rid of. Does anyone else feel this way, no matter what you have in your life, and whom you have around you, do you still feel empty? I would really appreciate any shared experiences from you. Thank you for reading. Kind regards Michelle

4 likes, 40 replies

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  • tara6744
    tara6744 Vaper2015

    Posted

    Hey everyone - how's everyone doing? I had a couple of weeks where I felt really good on thought my life was back on track but now I'm so low again - maybe because I was positive it's come as a huge blow. I have finally handed my notice in at work having been off since October and signed up with a temp agency so I have no stress with work and don't take problems home with me.

    I used to be really emotional with my depression but having changed to mirt back in Dec I stopped having the emotional breakdowns for a few months. The last few weeks though they have returned and I really don't know what to do. I just want to sleep so I don't have to face the world. I'm really struggling with life. I've put on 2 stone since being on this medication and having put in a lot of work with my diet and exercise in the last few weeks I haven't lost any weight. In fact due to the disheartening nature of this I have had a few binge days and rapidly put on another few pounds. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I'm willing to try anything now? Has anyone had hypnotherapy? I''m signed up with the local counselling service but may have to wait 8months until I can see someone on the NHS. I'm really struggling with life sad

    • DeliriousDave
      DeliriousDave tara6744

      Posted

      Hi Tara,

      After reading your post from a week ago I wonder if your mood has lifted in the 7 days since. I can certainly sympathise and understand what you mean when you say you just want to sleep & not face the world; since handing in my notice last September when my anxiety started to really peak I've had many days where I wake up & think 'what's the point' of even getting up. Anxiety really is all consuming, controlling & defeating. Like you I tend to have periods where my anxiety & depression lift sufficiently to allow me to carry on normally, during these times I'm successful at my place of work. Then, and usually 'out of the blue', something, at this time I've still to pinpoint what, triggers my anxiety to such an extent that depression engulfs me. I personally find it very frustrating still not knowing why this cycle continues.

      Let us know how you're doing Tara, and remember, you always have friends here who understand what you're going through.

      Dave.

  • Calmer
    Calmer Vaper2015

    Posted

    Hi Vaper, I am sorry for your suffering.  I can't help but wonder if the emptyness you say you feel is due to lonelyness as you do not speak of anyone significant, or sometimes being in a draining relationship can make us feel even more lonely.  

    There are times when I have this gulf of emptyness or a void as some might say.  I have been on mirtazapine for about 6 months and they have really calmed me too, mainly prescribed as I was suffering with chronic insomnia.  

    Since then I have completed a CBT course (1 hourly session per week for about 8 weeks) and am currently doing a MINDFUYLNESS course, available on the NHS or maybe better, if at all possible, to seek advice for a good practicioner locally.

    Hope this helps.  Best wishes.

  • Calmer
    Calmer Vaper2015

    Posted

    Hi Vaper (part 2)  I couldn't see any replied at all when I saw your first entry ... sorry for any misunderstanding.
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