I am new to forums, but would love some input/advise

Thank you so much for your reply & compliments, they are gratefully received!

I do not have a partner, and have delibrately stayed single for almost 4 years. The reason being is I feel weaker and more vulnerable when in a relationship. Sounds odd doesn't it? The other reason is I hate the way I can act when in a relationship, I can become moody and irritable very easily, I don't want to inflict that on anyone else again.

I promised myself after my last relationship that I would stay single until I got to know me, succeeded at something, and the ability to love unconditionally. Amazingly I managed to build a successful business whilst being single, and that definately wouldn't have happened if I had a partner, ad all my time and energy goes into that. Maybe one day, but not quite ready yet :-)

I hope life is treating you a little better now Dave..

Kind regards

Michelle

Thanks for your comment, I took solace from your kind words too, they always say "what goes around comes around", it's good that we can support each other here, thank you. You're certainly right about Robin Williams, it was a real shock to hear of his passing, although often those who seem outwardly positive & happy can be suffering too; it's just a guise, smoke & mirrors. In social situations I'm always 'the clown', I try to make people laugh but I guess it's just a technique of deflecting the main focus away from myself, insecurity can do that. Another celebrity who springs to mind is Stephen Fry, he suffers from crippling self-doubt which, by his own admission, often suddenly appears out of the blue. If you've never watched his 'Secret life of a manic depressive' programmes, there are two, I would recommend you do, they're both available to watch on YouTube, I think they're around 58 mins each. I caught one of the two programmes when they aired originally on TV, I have them both on my YouTube 'watch later' play list & will view them both again sometime soon.

Stay positive Tara.

I understand what you feel, you're obviously very considerate saying you wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone else again. And you're right; as Alison Moyet once sung - "It's that ole devil called love again"... it can make anyone act irrationally, couple that with anxiety, fight or flight, which can also make one act irrationally and it's a heady combination!

I like how you set yourself goals, therapist's tell you to do that; set achievable targets. I guess it's all about taking each day as it comes, depending on the severity of any associated depression/anxiety. If I'm really anxious I break it down & literally take each hour as it comes, you have to. And when anxietys kicking hard you can feel hugely different hour to hour... You just have to do whatever gets you through.

You've already ticked off one of your three milestones Michelle, and, even though we've only spoken briefly, I've every confidence you'll soon achieve the remaining two.

Stay positive Michelle.

Thank you so much! Your lovely comments have brought a smile to my face, after a busy stressful day, isn't it wonderful how perfect strangers can impact on your day! :-)

You also stated something that I can totally relate to, which is dealing with things by the hour etc, as feelings and emotions change that quickly , depending on the situation. Prior to learning a new coping technique, I would have days where I would cry non stop, and feel total dispare, perhaps due to an arguement, or something has gone wrong. My emotions would run wild and I thought the end of the world was about to happen... I would also go back to every bad situation that had accurred and make myself worse ( emotionally), then one day I told myself " OK, today is crap... I will allow myself this whole day to cry, rant , rave and eat biscuits on the sofa all day, then tomorrow is a new day!"... As soon as I did this, I recovered from the episodes so much quicker. I told myself today is bad, but these feelings wont be as strong tomorrow"... It really works for me :-)

In fact, I had my therapy today, and as I left the building I noticed my rear car tyre was completely flat, and noticed a screw stuck firmly in the tyre. Now bearing in mind I was going to drive straight to my company as the internet orders had gone crazy ( My staff were already there doing them, but we had 3 times the normal amount) so my thought process would normally be " OMG I cant get to work, the orders are going to pile up, customers will be annoyed, they will all go elsewhere, staff will feel neglected by me blah blah"... But I didn't.. I looked in the boot of my car to find the electric tyye pump ( I have a new Mini Coupe and they don't have spare tyres).. I plugged it inot my car lighter port and pumped up the tyre to enable me to get home..At this point my therapist came outside to see if I was OK and I told her what was happening.. she smiled and said " Michelle, have you noticed anything different"?.... I replied.. " Erm.. the tyre is deflating again?".. she smiled and said " No, Michelle , you are not stressing or crying... you tackled the issue head on and became immediately proactive".... WOW!! I really had done that! :-) ... I called my staff to explain the situation and requested they just do their best and get as many done as possible, and the rest will have to be done tomorrow. This is a huge step for me... and I hadn't even realised it.

With regards to staying single to achieve goals etc, that has worked so well for me, and I am very proud of myself. I usually have goals and fail haha.. The only sadness I have is I wanted children, but felt it unfair as I am not well mentally, I couldnt ever make my children feel sad or scared the way I did growing up. Coming from a violent household, I can lose my temper quite quickly, I  was scared I would do it to my children if I had any, so that is a sacrafice I had to make. Maybe in my next life :-)

Do you find you are stronger in relationships Dave?

Kind regards

Michelle

I'm so happy for you, reading your message about how you delt with your car conundrum really shows you've turned a corner (no car pun intended) and have begun 'restructuring' your cognitive thought processes. As your therapist recognised you were proactive with your solution, well done! Something like this can give you a huge boost mentally, I'm sure you can & will continue to build on this strong foundation.

It's uncanny how you mentioned going back over past negative situations whenever something bad happened, that's exactly what I do too. From all the similarities we, and all the other forum members have mentioned, all seem to have at least one major thing in common; we're all very hard on ourselves, I know I am. I can be so critical, evaluating my every action & thought process etc. I also tend to be very retrospective, I guess it's because the future scares me in its uncertainty. I've lost a lot in the past so maybe that's another reason I'm always 'looking back'.

Again your decision not to have children, especially when you really wanted to become a mother, is very selfless, very considerate. I always wanted to be a father, always assumed I would become one in time too; as an only child I felt a huge onus to provide a son and therefore continue my branch of the family tree. Again it's very understandable why you'd decide not to have children after your own experiences growing up in a violent household, but of course you're not your parents, you sound like such a compassionate & caring woman. I believe, the majority of times anyway, that any negative situations we experience as children (they say our real formative years are the first seven) we try to avoid repeating or inflicting on others in our adult life. I was so blessed growing up in that I can honestly say I never once heard my parents argue. Unfortunately we lost my Mum to cancer when I was 9, my Dad remarried 2 years later, then he lost his second wife to cancer too. I was 15 & taking my GCSE's at the time. At 16, and by the time I'd completed my exams & left school, I'd lost all 4 Grandparents also. It was a very intense time.

In response to your question I think I am stronger in a relationship Michelle, a positive one obviously. My last was the worst I've ever had, my ex-girlfriend had huge trust issues; if I wasn't with her 24/7 she made the assumption I must be off galavanting about with another woman, this manifested itself with her being absolutely horrible towards me. As a result I haven't had a relationship since. Conversely the relationship I had prior to that lasted 14 years & was warm, loving & fantastic. So, as I mentioned, it really depends!

Continue being positive Michelle.

Thank you once again for your encouraging words, they are always lovely to hear.

It sounds like you have really been though a lot in your life, more than anyone should have to go through, but you know what? Every single one of those events made you the amazing person you are today. Each event made you stronger, and build up a shield to enable you to deal with the next. You sound like a true gentleman and are clearly a very intelligent guy. 

It makes sense that you feel stronger in relationships, I know a few people that do and that are. You mentioned your ex was very possessive, and i'm sure that can take it's toll on any relationship, something terrible must have happened in her past ( either relationships or childhood) to feel that insecure, and I guess we all show that in our own way. 

You mentioned you would loved to have been a father, do you think that is still possible? I bet you would make a wonderful father, I haven't "known" you for too long, but already you show empathy, compassion and have a good insight into what you want and need, all of those are great parenting skills ( says she that refuses to have them incase I screw them up haha!).. I have two dogs, Harvey & Marley, and they are my " furbabies" I spoil them rotten and absolutely adore them. The love I feel for them is so amazing, but it does also make me think that is what it would feel like to have children.

Most of my employye's are under 25 years old and I also spoil them rotten, I care about them all equally, and in return they work extremely hard and are very loyal. People feel I am too soft, but I get a lot back from them so I can't be doing it too wrong! I firmly believe that paying minimum wage to staff is not good enough, how can anyone survive on that? If the company can afford a decent wage why now?.. How could I sleep at night driving to work in a new car, or go on Holiday knowing they are the ones slogging their guts out everyday whilst I reap all the benefits? I say thank you at the end of every day too, it costs nothing. My Grandma once told me " In life you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" and that is so true!

Do you work Dave? I am just curious if you manage your depression enough to cope with a working life. I have managed it until I buggered my knee and was on the sick for 3.5 years afterwards, it was soul destroying. At least now if I have a bad day I can stay at home knowing the company still runs smoothly, rather than being an employee and my boss not undertsanding depression etc.

Kind regards

Michelle

It's my turn to thank you for your incredibly kind words, I'll echo your opening paragraph from yesterday; they're always lovely to hear.

You're certainly correct; whatever highs, or lows, we experience shape us as individuals during our journey, no surprising really why we're all so very unique, the hundreds and thousands of different stimuli gathered throughout a lifetime guarantee that. And yes, I don't think you can beat that 'loving feeling', the incredible reassurance knowing that someone cares so deeply for you. And you were spot on about my bad relationship concerning my untrusting ex, of course I won't go into details here, as you quite rightly pointed out I'm a gentleman & must uphold my ex's anonymity... even if she was horrible to me ;-)

Harvey & Marley sound awesome, it's great that you dote on them, nothing wrong with that! I guess you're still quite critical about yourself, you know, when you wrote "says she who refuses to have them (kids) in case I screw them up... as you quite rightly mentioned we haven't spoken or known each other long but I just don't see how you'd be anything other than an exceptional Mum, you certainly exude all the right qualities, you sound truly selfless, a genuinely nice person... that's a rare thing these days!! The fact that your kindness extends beyond your immediate family, (Harvey & Marley), to your employees too just goes to show how genuinely interested you are in other people's wellbeing, that's kindness personified. I love your Grandma's saying, it's so true, I'll take that one with me.. And of course she's right; manners & politeness cost nothing.

I haven't worked since September last year Michelle, I handed my notice in because of my anxiety. I feel my depression is subdued by the Mirtazapine but.. If my anxiety gets too bad that itself makes me much more depressed, it really is all consuming, it effects every aspect of my day to day existence right now, so much so that I haven't signed on at the Jobcentre, I'm using savings, hoping my anxiety disappears before it runs out. My GP suggested I self-refer via the time for change service.

In regard to you asking if I think it's still possible that I would one day become a father I'd say absolutely, never say never. Of course it would have to be given a great deal of thought prior to making any decision, but I am & always have been very communicative in all my relationships, well, the ones where my partners have been receptive to conversations anyway! Men don't talk about feelings? It's all a MYTH ;-)

Stay positive Michelle.

Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the direct link as it didn't look like it went to the correct site so users can use the term time for change to search Google.

In case anyone else is interested in researching the information source I mentioned I actually got the link wrong, if you search 'ready to change' this should return the correct page(s)!

Good luck,

Dave.

I see you passed the "moderated" test! haha...congrats!

Sorry to hear you had to give up work in Sept, it really is a very tough decision to make, but nothing is more important than health. One of the issues I had when I was off work, was my confidence took a massive dive, the longer I was off, the more I worried about not being able to work again, I found it scary and depressing. On the flip side, all that time off enabled me to have aggressive therapy, and time to think about life, emotions and all sorts. I hope you feel better soon Dave, you are a wonderful guy with a lot to offer any employer.

I also agree that men not talking about their emotions is a myth... I have met guys that are very much capable of talking about their feelings etc, I think it just depends whether the guy feels the lady is listening without judging :-)

I shall google " time for change " now and have a good read, thank you for the info .

Hope you are having a wonderful evening.

Kind regards

Michelle

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I am so pleased that the tablets worked for you the first time around, and I have every confidence they will work again for you :-)

I have noticed a HUGE difference this week, and other people have noticed too which is amazing!

I find my negative thoughts ( which were literally every minute of the day) have really gone! I am no longer reacting with anger in stressful situations. Like today at work ( for instance). I had a meeting at my accountants this morning and one of my staff txt at 10am saying she felt sick and needed to go home. I had one staff off on annual leave, two in the warehouse and one running late, with a stack of orders to process. Rather than nearly exploding in anger and stress I merely ended the meeting, drove calmly to work, let the staff member go home, and I then stepped in and helped process orders. At no point did I feel stressed or angry..in fact I was laughing and joking most of the day with staff. Even they noticed the difference.

It won't be long until they kick back into your system and you will start to feel better in 2-4 weeks... just hang on in there until that time. 

Keep your chin up Poppycat :-)

Kind regards

Michelle

So sorry to hear you are having a really tough time at the moment. It feels like it will never end doesn't it?

What is the max dose they can give? Is it 45mg? I wonder if they can give you something to run side by side of Mirt?

When you have life changing injuries I think it's easy for people not to understand the full impack it can have on lives. If you are used to doing active sports etc, then it all suddenly stops all that energy turns into negative energy.

Do you have close family/friends around to help you?

Kind regards

Michelle

My family are really supportive but I always feel like such an awful burden to them. My mother has had to deal with my depression since I was 18 and then my back went so she spent months visitng me in hospital and more worrying. They all tell me the same thing: it's always better to talk to them as otherwise they fear the worst. 

I've been single for 12 years by choice although this has been tough in itself (I was so devstated by a long relationship ending that I barely survived it). I take 45mg which I think is max dosage but am also on Pregabelin for anxiety, although that could be raised slightly. I think you can also have good results taking Wellbutrin (Zyban, Bupropion) with Mirtazapine but I need to talk to my doctor about these options on Monday.