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I am unable to care for myself and am losing interest in life

Posted , 7 users are following.

ozzie1961
ozzie1961

I am so tired today and finding mmyself in bed more and more.

I get out of bed , have a peunt butter sandwhiche and take myself back to bed.

I cant manage my medication and have little interest in taking prozac and the HIV drugs, I have multiple Anti biotics to take for the infection of my Lympatic Nodes I have had for the past month.

I am retreating into my own world and not able to cope with appointments , often missing them now due to my mental health and lack of interest in my issues of eviction soon to be.

I often dont even know what day it is now.

Maybe the way I am feeling is irreversable , I dont really care.

Anxiety follows me into the appointments where I again have to go through my housing issues, the details of false allegations made against me, and i am like alwys then referred onto the next person to go through the whole process again only to ebd up where I am now and here.

I have been here before , but as time closes in on me and the day comes when there is that knock at the door and I am told to get out of my home, I really dont want to be found alive.

I have done my fight and done it mainly alone .

There is no one able to stop what is happening to me.

I email and write to everyone I can think of and the responses have even stopped coming.

I understand my situation and have aacepted there is just one way to win my 4 year battle that has been the core reason I was diagnosed with anxiety 2 1/2 years ago .

For many there is hope and for some there is nothing to hold onto.

I will always be a winner. No matter what is to come of me.

PJ

 

1 like, 39 replies

39 Replies

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  • mrs.wife24531
    mrs.wife24531 ozzie1961

    Posted

    Keep your head up you got this we are all here for you that's what this forum is for. Praying everything gets better for you 😊
  • william85041
    william85041 ozzie1961

    Posted

    Hang in there ozzie chum. Stay as positive as you can your a winner to keep going like you have gives alot of people including myself inspiration. Keep the chin up. Dont give up on yourself.
    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 william85041

      Posted

      Free falling into Hopelessness again.

      I don't like where i am at right now.

      I dont have any more answers and I don't see any answers to my situation.

      I am entirely depressed and unable to fix what is wrong and is happening to me.

      Anxiety is overwhelming me and I am grossly alone in my crisis , with no one to tell me it is going to be ok.

      I am tired of appointments when I struggle to get out of bed.

      I cant eat , I cant think straight, I cannot take all the medication I should be on.

      I am trapped and being pushed into a corner I have tried so hard to fight.

      I pray and ask for peace and for these feelings to go , i have told my story out loud without pulling back , I have suffered enough and now I start to believe it is all my fault and all about me.

      All those lies told about me will never win over me as they are lies and have been written to hurt me and in this way those that hate me have now got the better of me.

      My life is pointless.

      But in my heart i will always be a winner and stand up for what is true and what is morally right.—  feeling sick.

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 william85041

      Posted

      Thanks but Hanging in there is fast becoming a no option.

      I have shared my feelings below from what I anted to share on my facebook.

      Its below here.

      If the system fails with not having the right services in pace , if the law is set up to discriminate against us and we are left standing with no Humane Rights then we are truly screwed.

      I am free falling into a better place for me than this.

  • Fairy28
    Fairy28 ozzie1961

    Posted

    Try to keep strong and keep fighting on - you are here for a reason and we are all here for you, please try and hang in there you are a true inspiration 😉
    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 Fairy28

      Posted

      Thanks Lou

      I have never stopped trying.

      But Its not changing a thing .

      I cannot keep trying and fighting all this it is only making me angry inside and now I cant even wash or clean myself, I can hardly stay out of bed.

      I cannot function, I am not taking my pills, cant clean the flat.

      I am freefalling and nothing is stopping my heart and soul to seeking the escape from all this.

      My strength has to be that I find the courage to make sure i will never be returning to this hell hole I have been forced to sit in.

      This will become my last fight .

      At the right time for me.

      I need peace and somewhere that is safe to find eternal rest .

      Life is pointless .

    • mrs.wife24531
      mrs.wife24531 ozzie1961

      Posted

      Please don't give up! Please! Do you have friends? Any groups to join? Family?
    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 mrs.wife24531

      Posted

      Family in Australia, elederly parents, friends run when someone is in crisis.

      groups to join , therapy, advice advice and more advice that leads to nothing 

      but despair and total dismay.

      When your smiling  - the whole world smiles and celebrates with you

      When your crying as I have been for 3 years and more people walk away.

      You turn to the professionals to help , and you turn to the lawa as you believe the law is there to protect you in what rights the country has in place.

      Then the govt blocks access to gaining those rights and only allows it to the priveleged in this country.

      leaving the rest of us with no one.

      Thats the truth.

      And this is the real world.

      Hugs and bless you for messaging me.

      PJ

       

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 mrs.wife24531

      Posted

      and that is one real thing i do and not just that I am also understood by you too.

      Thank you

      I am sorry if i am talking in a way that can upset others

      I have no right to do this.

      But this forum is a place where I can say it as it is .

      We all need to have this safe space to tell it like it really is and also be appreciative that there are people like you that really uinderstand where I am coming from as I do with others in those times I also want to respond to another persons crisis.

      Hugs

      PJ

  • norabab
    norabab ozzie1961

    Posted

    Ozzie, this sounds like an emergency.  I think you should phone the emergency services (111 or 999) or take yourself to A&E (if you can manage that).  If not they should be able to send out the paramedics and take you in.  They have emergency mental health workers at all the hospitals who can assess what sort of danger you are in and get you referred for some help.  You do need to tell them that you have not been able to get to appointments because you feel too low, and that you are not managing your meds.  You haven't actually said you are suicidal but you sound pretty close to it, and I think you should tell them that as well.

    You are unlikely to be admitted to a psychiatric unit because there are so few beds, but you might get the Home Treatment service which would help you manage your meds and see that you are all right .  The system is far from being perfect but you CAN get some help, but only if you are willing to ask for it.  Please phone them and ask for help!

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 norabab

      Posted

      Thank you kindly Nora for taking the time to message me.

      trust me I have been through all what you are saying here in your message about going to get help.

      I am well accustomed to what happenes when you take yourself into A and E and have got to know how the mental health system continues to do its job and then refers you directly back to your GP who is not qualified to take on the role of mental health professional.

      We are living under a system that does not catre nor care for people with mental health issues.

      Just to put your mind at rest I am not thinking of taking my life at this time.

      I have worked out how I am going to do it right .

      But that time is not just now.

      Thank you for your concerns.

      Your a good person 

      many Thanks

      PJ

  • Fairy28
    Fairy28 ozzie1961

    Posted

    Have you been to the press or any radio stations ? surely someone would want to do something to help - someone has to listen, you cannot be left like this. Could you find the strength to contact a reporter or even an editor , someone in the media to put your story out there. Praying for you, we all are 😉
    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 Fairy28

      Posted

      Yes i did that one week ago and have heard nothing back from any of them I approached.

      Tks

      PJ

    • Fairy28
      Fairy28 ozzie1961

      Posted

      Hello again, how are you doing ? just a thought I dont know if it would help, but how about trying the Church, I think they are linked to Almes houses and I think they help in similar situations, do you think that could be an option ? was doing some research and it came up - might be worth a try, do you know anyone from your local church ? Just thinking of every option possible to help. It's utterly disgraceful that not one person from the media has got back to you. They should hang their heads in shame and so should all the others that have allowed this to happen to you, I am so angry that in this country this is allowed to happen to you, where is the care, where is the compassion from these so called charities, and as for the THT well I'm speechless, people in your position are the ones they are supposed to support and help, I'm totally shocked and horrified by all involved treating you this way - please try the church, it's worth a go 😉

       

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 Fairy28

      Posted

      Hi Lou

      Thanks greatly for keeping me in your thoughts daily.

      Again i spent the majority of the day in my bedroom and in bed.

      I had to get up to answer emails and write some more to try to keep por active.

      I emailed the THT who up to today had left me in the dark after asking them to respond to me on more than 4/5 ocassions , today there was an email which triggered conversation between ourslevs and then escualted into a phone call, while on the phone to them my so called GP who I have never met phoned so i had 2 phones in my hand at the one time

      The THT has called my GP wanting info about me, My Gp didnt give them any instead called me.

      So i learned instead of the THT making contact with me they are doing things behind the scene that I am had o way of being aware with, the GP was and has now asked for palative care for me, but this too looks like her attempt to get me some immediate help will again fall on deaf ears.

      When it gets to the stage a sick person cant eat or manage to prepare food themselves, is unable to manage thier medication to stabilize their health and cannot care to clean themsleves then in my eyes there is a problem that needs to be addressed , but in the NHS eyes it is me that has decided not to take my meds when the dr is prescribing them, they totally overlook one of the main side effects of what depression can do to the mind and body.

      So I am expecting to be told it is up to me to manage my daily life, which I cannot and as the days pass my home becomes more dirty as I am , while i cant get myself into the shower.

      I am struggling managing appointmemts and missing them all the time now

      I am exhausted and my body aches and screams in emotional pain.

      Yet I am capable to care for myself i am told by the Professionals , added to all this I explained while thet THT was on the other phone listening to my conversation with the head of the medical GP Surgery of my frustration that for one I have never met her before , and for months when I attend the GP surgery I am seen by an unknown new doctor who knows nothing about me or my history of health problems.

      Time and time again I am seen by diffferent and obscure Drs and I feel grossly let down, She then went on to say she herself is on leave from later thgis week and will not return to the surgery until Augast.

      So what is the point fo having a GP for me and why do all these Orgainsations insist i take my needs which i do anyway to my GP when in fact i dont actually have a GP.

      I keep running out of prozac, and diazipam .

      I am unable to manage the infection of my lymph nodes thats poison to my tummy and i am dosceating puss when i use my bowels.

      I should be taking antibiotics but i am severley depressed and i can barley manage to take the prozac.

      The Dr suggested i up the  dosgae,

      I was always on 20 mg ad ay for 12 years, last year it became 40 mgs, and now she is saying she can up my dosgae of prozacto 60-80 mgs a day.

      I told her this was not an answer to my care needs.

      I feel completely left behind by the NHS which is crippled by govt cut backs , i again emailed my local MP to ask why I am not having my emails over the past 6 weeks answered and why i have not been given an appointment to see him.

      Its quite simple really as they live in anopther world.

      The THT have again looked elswhere for outside help for me, they have gone back to Stonewall Housing to the Housing Adviser who i have already been under and got me no where .

      You see these so called charities and organizations have so much to say abouthtemselves but at the end of the day they pass the buck, they lack vision and insight and leave behind the core reason they were set up to fill a gap.

      They become businesses where staff are paid grossly over rated salaries and they lose sight of who they are and what they are there fore.

      I need respite again.

      But dare i even ask for that as that only led me to being left with doors slammed in my face and there is no funding available to get eople like myself into respite to rest and be given some chance to recover.

      What ever i do it leads to me taking diasipam to stop the pain and distress.

      I continue not to be able to eat .

      I forget what a home cooked meal is.

      I look ill, i have weight loss and feel so dirty.

      This is what life in our world has become.

      Not due to people who actually care like yourself but through decisions that are made in powerful places and on Executive Board Offices that really have no idea at all about living with illness whatever it may be.

      They are not coming from where i am coming from and probably will never experience it in their lifetime.

      They are in the fortunate position to look after themselves .

      Hugs

      PJ

       

    • Fairy28
      Fairy28 ozzie1961

      Posted

      Dear oh dear oh dear this is a complete nightmare for you, why do they keep  passing the buck - for gods sake you need help, they should just STOP messing around like this and send some help out to you , it's heartbreaking for you and for all of us here following your story, I am actually sobbing reading your terrible plight. Could you please ring 999 and get an ambulance, you desperately need medication administered to you to make you feel better, you need decent food, someone to listen to you and help - you also need someone to hug you and make things better. It sounds like you should be in hospital my lovely, you just can't go on like this suffering and in pain, also you need to be away from that place tomorrow and be in a place of safety - do you think you could make that call and be admitted, you need looking after, also if they take the flat away tomorrow and there is no home to go back to then surely to God things would have to get moving regards housing, if you could regain some of your health then maybe you would be stronger to fight on - the hospital surely would not discharge you onto the street without social services or some housing authority being involved in your crisis, I honestly think you need to be taken to hospital sweetheart , you need to be made better. Thinking of you 💐
    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 Fairy28

      Posted

      I couldnt possibly do what you are suggesting at this moment.

      I am expected to be with the Solicitor at 10 am in the morning to discuss my arrest and the impending court trial on July 10.

      I can only hope I can get myself together to walk into his office and hand him all the docs he needs.

      I have struggled for 3 weeks now to even achieve getting the docs sorted out to begin to deal with this awful situation.

      Im struggling getting out of bed at all.

      So i need to attend this

      Then at 2pm I am expected to travel across London to the Royal free to go on the lung machine for 45 minutes , and then i have a 3pm appointment with my HIV consultanat again.

      So tomorrow its going to really take eneergy to fulfill the demands on me.

      Its up to the hospital and my Consultant to decide i should be admitted then,

      Afetr my last 2 experiences of walking into A + E ii would need to be dead before i return.

      Thanks

      Please do not cry for me.

      You have your own set of issues

      Hugs

      PJ

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