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I’ve never spoke about this in depth before with anyone, so not sure how it’s going to come across to those kind enough to sit through and read it.
I’m 46 years of age and my story is quite simply a tale of living and struggling with stressful times throughout my life, and in my opinion has left me scarred with anxiety, stress and social anxieties. At the age of 25 I was still living with my parents. I was always known as a worrier, over thinking things, but this didn’t seem to bother me too much… until the day my parents took control of a situation which basically forced my life down a road I didn’t want to take. This has cost me financially over the years and still costs me to the present day and is also one I could barely afford. It left me feeling uncomfortable and anxious, and to this very day, my quality of life is still plagued by it. I tried to take control once, but failed miserably. I explained calmly to my parents what I wanted to change, but it caused eruptions and naturally caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me. I was the selfish son only thinking about myself, they didn’t speak to me properly for months and refused to talk to me about my needs and how the situation was affecting my life. I was trapped, frustrated and angry by the actions of my parents.
Six months on and I met someone. This was a much needed distraction from what had happened, but the situation was always in the back of my mind, niggling and biting away at me. That someone became my soul mate and we eventually got engaged to be married. It did happen quickly, but I was happy and hadn’t felt that in a long time. Needless to say I wanted to share my joy with my parents even though the relationship was still stale with them. My partner and I went to the house where my parents lived and they were in the midst of having lunch. There was an awkward silence at first which I broke by saying, “I have some great news?” They just sat there and continued to eat… “I’ve gotten engaged!” I said….. They didn’t even raise their heads and congratulate me.
The tension was UNBEARABLE!… I just stood there waiting for a response, my eyes filling with tears and I could feel my anger and anxieties building up. This is not what I expected. I just turned away in embarrassment with my partner and left.
Since then and up-to the present day, the relationship between myself, my partner and my parents has gradually improved, even though the situation that was dictated by them all those years ago still has its effects on my marriage and lifestyle today. Finances are tight, it causes arguments between me and my partner, which has led me into making decisions and making mistakes, causing even more stress and anxiety whilst trying simply to put things right.
When I look back, I haven’t truly led an unhappy life, but my life has always had the habit of steering into stressful and anxious times that again leads me down an uncontrollable path, where I have developed bitterness and anger towards certain individuals…… Including my partner!
If you’ve read this far, thank you.
Maybe I am weak and let people walk all over me?
I am tired of people controlling my life, causing me unwanted anxiety and stress. I stress myself out for not having the nerve to say NO! once in a while. Maybe my life would be different and you’d think I’d be a stronger person today?, but I only feel weak. Anxiety is a part of my everyday life, it wears me down, I struggle to communicate with people I don’t know… infact I’d rather avoid them and everything.If I was a stronger person, I would leave them all behind today, start a new life and spend the rest of my life exactly how I want to…. All by myself!
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