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I can't cope anymore & just want to end it all

Posted , 17 users are following.

Whatamess
Whatamess

I have suffered from depression on and off for over 25 years & am currently going through a terrible depression & I cannot see any way out of it this time. My world has caved in & I cannot cope anymore & there only seems to be one answer to this torture I am going through.

i am very lonely, only have 2 proper friends (who are both ex-partners) but they are both in long term relationships & don't really have time for me. I am long term unemployed because of my mental health problems, but to try to help my mental state I walk a couple of dogs every day & have made acquaintances with a group of people & I poured my heart out to them yesterday. They all made sympathetic noises, listened to me & said I mustn't end my life. But nobody knows what I am going through or the despair I am feeling. 

Short story - I am a 55 year old gay woman, been single for 18 years after having made the decision I would never find anybody & gave up trying to find a partner. Out of the blue 12 months ago I fell in love with an attractive, caring, kind, gentle, woman but unfortunately there was no way I could tell her & there was a 0% chance that she would feel the same. This woman was my wonderful GP, who I could tell anything to - except this. I had a number of consultations during this year, each time counting down the hours until I could see her again. I was well aware that I had a problem and had a number of counselling sessions to talk this through & try to understand why this had happened and was continuing to happen even though I knew it could never be.

I had an appointment with her earlier this week & she told me that my current therapist had told her all about my feelings. She said it didn't bother her but it meant that she had unknowingly been compromising my care & wouldn't be able to see me anymore, but in any event she was leaving my surgery in 3 weeks & moving hundreds of miles away. At that moment my world caved in. 

On on top of that, the only family I have are moving away from the area in 2 days & I will be here all alone.

I'm scared & keep fighting feelings of panic. I'm hardly eating or drinking & am starting to feel physically ill. I can't sleep & altho I did ask her, the GP wouldn't give me any sleeping pills because she was worried what I may use them for. 

I don't know how to get through all of this & I do think that I would be better off out of this world.

2 likes, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • theitalianman
    theitalianman Whatamess

    Posted

    Oh I am so sorry for your situation

    ​I feel awful and down and walk my little westie to keep me occupied and to meet anyone that will say hello

    ​Message me anytime with anything that I may be able to help with

     

    • Whatamess
      Whatamess theitalianman

      Posted

      Thank you, I will message you to chat. My family go away tomorrow and that's when the realisation that I am totally alone will hit me. 
  • simon8173
    simon8173 Whatamess

    Posted

    Oh God you are in a hellish situation, unfortunately I have no words that can help you,sorry. I'm also struggling, however I'm no feared to end it all, just a case of timing for me.
    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 simon8173

      Posted

      I hope you don't end it all. I have felt like this many a time thou in the past. I wouldn't do this now as i have two daughters and two grandchildren i love. My husband commited suicide years ago on Jan 9th and i have never got over this, i have learnt to live with it. It saddens me that he lost out on his daughters growing up, and they missed out on a father. My grandchildren will never know him, and he missed out on them too. The pain left behind is hard. Please seek help, counselling or therapy. 

      Best wishes.

      Elizabeth.

  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 Whatamess

    Posted

    This time of the year can highlight sadness in our lives. You are going through feelings of rejection because your GP moving away means you will never see her again, thou because of GP and patient relationship and her finding out meant that it would not of being possible again. I suspect your feelings were because she was caring towards you and you crave for someone to care and love you, and we all want this in our lives. Your family moving away must feel like everyone you care and love is moving away, again this must feel like rejection. You need something to replace what you have lost. Do not give up. Have you looked for groups in your area, meetup groups are great for meeting people of all ages and to suit all tastes. You maybe able to find a grop where people like to walk and take their pets along. I joined a group and have met some lovely people, i am partially disabled and can feel very isolated at times. I don't drive so travel on public transport to the city 12 miles away. I have even hosted an event. I chose a vegatarian restaurant in the daytime and everybody loved it. Type in local meetup groups and see whats about. Do not look for love, just enjoy meeting others and going places. I hope this helps. 

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

    • Whatamess
      Whatamess elizabeth20203

      Posted

      thank you Elizabeth, for understanding and not saying how stupid I am/have been. If I may, I will write to you again and perhaps we could help and support each other? If you would rather not, just let me know.

      j

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 Whatamess

      Posted

      That's fine I am around most days on here you can pm if you want to. I am in my fifties so similar age. I have been through so much so have lots of understanding.

      Elizabeth.

  • hypercat
    hypercat Whatamess

    Posted

    Hi of course a group of acquaintances didn't understand as they are not friends who know you well.   Also if they didn't have mental health difficulties themselves or had no experience of it then they could never understand properly could they? 

    It's encouraging you are making yourself go out and getting to know others so keep on with that.   Pour your feeling out to your counsellor and doctor and on here then when 1/2 of your acquaintances become friends that is the time to confide more in them.   But it is easy for people to feel overwhelmed and not understand or know what to say or do. 

    I agree with the comment that because your doctor is very caring that is why you have fallen for her,  and of course it creates a conflict of interest for her and even if she wasn't leaving she would have had to pass you on to another doctor. 

    Too many things are happening at once for you so it is natural to feel very low about it.  The answer is to do more things to ease your lonliness,  how about volunteer work?   Or do you have any hobbies?   Keep yourself as busy as you can as I know from experience that when I am alone too much I become very self absorbed and lonely.  

    One last point you will not be better off out of this world coz you will be nothing and won't be able to feel anything.  Life is a b....ch at times but I have found that 80% of the time it is worth it.    You might even meet someone apart from your gp and fall in love again.  No one can predict the future but aren't you curious about it?  Take care.  Bev x

    • Whatamess
      Whatamess hypercat

      Posted

      Thank you Bev for understanding and not saying how stupid I have been. If you are agreeable I will write to you again and perhaps we could help and support each other?

      j

    • hypercat
      hypercat Whatamess

      Posted

      Hi J if I had a pound for every time I have been stupid I would be a millionaire today.  Now I just laugh at myself and call myself a silly cow smile  Cut yourself some slack will ya?   I have found that enough people like me despite my faults - or maybe because of them?    The main thing is to be yourself and that way you can be happy more often.  Never pretend to be what you are not as that way lies misery. 

      I am on here most days so pm me anytime love.  Bev x

  • Ezzythebookworm
    Ezzythebookworm Whatamess

    Posted

    Please don't give up now! 

    Commiting suicide is like running away from your problems 

    don't get me wrong 

    I understand a little 

    but it's selfish 

    think about the people who CARE about you 

    the people who love you 

    think about how hurt they would be 

    You may think I'm being selfish too 

    after all wanting someone to live in pain may be selfish 

    but think about it! 

    Please 

    suicide doesn't take away the pain it just gives it to someone else 

    suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse

    it eliminates the chance of life ever getting better 

    your life isn't over 

    you're important 

    please hang in their 

    be one of the survivors 

     

    • Tamarind
      Tamarind Ezzythebookworm

      Posted

      Hi Ezzy & All, Just a quickie to say I know whatever we say is said in an effort to help, but, I have to say that suicide is not always selfish (I won't go into the reasons as every case is different). And some are truly in too much pain and suffering at the time to also be expected to deal with the consequences. Please remember we cannot judge in this way. Everyone and each case is different though we may not know it.
  • jran
    jran Whatamess

    Posted

    Hi Whatamess

    We on here all know what you are going through and the despair as we are feeling the same or have felt the same at some point. Go and see a doctor and get some meds and get better and you will definitely see things in a different light. I am 63 and been on my own since 40. Had 1 relationship which was good but things went bad, but we are still friends.I have 2 Adult children  and 3 grandchildren and the guilt and despair they would suffer if i left the world.My mother did it 35yrs ago and we all suffered terribly and still do. Pls go and see a doctor for some antidepressants they will help

  • ellen82139
    ellen82139 Whatamess

    Posted

    Please remember the dogs you walk love you and rely on you.

    you need to make an appt ASAP with a different GP and express how you feel,things are always far worse at this time of year,please keep in touch with everyone on this site they are all here for you

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