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I have suffered from depression on and off for over 25 years & am currently going through a terrible depression & I cannot see any way out of it this time. My world has caved in & I cannot cope anymore & there only seems to be one answer to this torture I am going through.
i am very lonely, only have 2 proper friends (who are both ex-partners) but they are both in long term relationships & don't really have time for me. I am long term unemployed because of my mental health problems, but to try to help my mental state I walk a couple of dogs every day & have made acquaintances with a group of people & I poured my heart out to them yesterday. They all made sympathetic noises, listened to me & said I mustn't end my life. But nobody knows what I am going through or the despair I am feeling.
Short story - I am a 55 year old gay woman, been single for 18 years after having made the decision I would never find anybody & gave up trying to find a partner. Out of the blue 12 months ago I fell in love with an attractive, caring, kind, gentle, woman but unfortunately there was no way I could tell her & there was a 0% chance that she would feel the same. This woman was my wonderful GP, who I could tell anything to - except this. I had a number of consultations during this year, each time counting down the hours until I could see her again. I was well aware that I had a problem and had a number of counselling sessions to talk this through & try to understand why this had happened and was continuing to happen even though I knew it could never be.
I had an appointment with her earlier this week & she told me that my current therapist had told her all about my feelings. She said it didn't bother her but it meant that she had unknowingly been compromising my care & wouldn't be able to see me anymore, but in any event she was leaving my surgery in 3 weeks & moving hundreds of miles away. At that moment my world caved in.
On on top of that, the only family I have are moving away from the area in 2 days & I will be here all alone.
I'm scared & keep fighting feelings of panic. I'm hardly eating or drinking & am starting to feel physically ill. I can't sleep & altho I did ask her, the GP wouldn't give me any sleeping pills because she was worried what I may use them for.
I don't know how to get through all of this & I do think that I would be better off out of this world.
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