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I can't cope anymore & just want to end it all

Posted , 17 users are following.

Whatamess
Whatamess

I have suffered from depression on and off for over 25 years & am currently going through a terrible depression & I cannot see any way out of it this time. My world has caved in & I cannot cope anymore & there only seems to be one answer to this torture I am going through.

i am very lonely, only have 2 proper friends (who are both ex-partners) but they are both in long term relationships & don't really have time for me. I am long term unemployed because of my mental health problems, but to try to help my mental state I walk a couple of dogs every day & have made acquaintances with a group of people & I poured my heart out to them yesterday. They all made sympathetic noises, listened to me & said I mustn't end my life. But nobody knows what I am going through or the despair I am feeling. 

Short story - I am a 55 year old gay woman, been single for 18 years after having made the decision I would never find anybody & gave up trying to find a partner. Out of the blue 12 months ago I fell in love with an attractive, caring, kind, gentle, woman but unfortunately there was no way I could tell her & there was a 0% chance that she would feel the same. This woman was my wonderful GP, who I could tell anything to - except this. I had a number of consultations during this year, each time counting down the hours until I could see her again. I was well aware that I had a problem and had a number of counselling sessions to talk this through & try to understand why this had happened and was continuing to happen even though I knew it could never be.

I had an appointment with her earlier this week & she told me that my current therapist had told her all about my feelings. She said it didn't bother her but it meant that she had unknowingly been compromising my care & wouldn't be able to see me anymore, but in any event she was leaving my surgery in 3 weeks & moving hundreds of miles away. At that moment my world caved in. 

On on top of that, the only family I have are moving away from the area in 2 days & I will be here all alone.

I'm scared & keep fighting feelings of panic. I'm hardly eating or drinking & am starting to feel physically ill. I can't sleep & altho I did ask her, the GP wouldn't give me any sleeping pills because she was worried what I may use them for. 

I don't know how to get through all of this & I do think that I would be better off out of this world.

2 likes, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 Whatamess

    Posted

    Hi I was wondering how you are getting on at the moment, how are you feeling?

    Hugs.

    Elizabeth.

    • Whatamess
      Whatamess elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Thanks for asking Elizabeth. I am still feeling very low & still not eating much nor sleeping well. It was her last day at my surgery earlier this week and although I delivered a sorry your leaving card along with a letter from the heart saying that I would be happy if we could become friends, I know that I will never hear from her or see her again. 

      I still can't understand why, after having no interest for so many years in meeting anybody or even finding anybody attractive enough to spark a little interest, out of the blue I fell for the most unsuitable and inappropriate person. 

      Life's a bitch. Plus on top of trying to recover from this, I've now received another Work Capability Assessment questionnaire to complete before attending another dreaded medical.

       

    • hypercat
      hypercat Whatamess

      Posted

      Hi I understand why you did.   She was there for you and helped you a lot that's why.   Learn from this and be grateful that you can have these feeling for someone else.  One day you will meet the right person as you know how to love.   Ok?    Bev xx
    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 Whatamess

      Posted

      Hi, you can now close that chapter of your life and put it down to experience. I know we cannot help who we feel attractive towards but as you say she was the most unsuitable and inappropriate person. Do not look for love concentrate on other things and who knows of the future. I have a man interested in me he even says he loves me, and yet i am not in the least attracted to him. He would do anything for me yet i do not let him help me, thou i struggle with my mobility it would be easy to for me to let him. So we all have had experiences with people that either we fall for them or they fall for us. It is not easy to find someone that we both feel the same about, to have that spark. I wish you the best and hope that things improve for you. 

      Elizabeth.

  • Taina75
    Taina75 Whatamess

    Posted

    Please don’t give up.  Even if you don’t see it now, there are people that care about you and you have a life ahead of you. Maybe you’ll find love… but even if you don’t, there are all types of fulfilling relationships.  I almost did it a few month ago.  I felt that nobody would really miss me and I couldn’t go on with the horrible pain.  People don’t understand, it’s hard to hear “just think happy thoughts” or “you just need to do something to be positive”, and other comments like that.

    Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that even at your lowest point, there is so much to live for, for you!  Please get therapy, a new therapist maybe. Find support groups, and do something that you enjoy (not what others think you should do).  Wish you the best, and we can chat whenever. 

  • fizah38912
    fizah38912 Whatamess

    Posted

    Go to the gym and get all the negativity out of you. Change the "condition" when you feel miserable or depress the most, most often it is during night time before bed and while you are alone. Trust me, go to the gym and you will feel better! I see that you are panic because your support system, GP and family are moving away. Don't be. Go out and live again. It's a wonderful world out there. Once you feel better you will find love once again.
  • Whatamess
    Whatamess

    Posted

    Haven't been coming on here for a while, but here's an update.

    6 weeks have passed since that final consultation, and she is out of sight but definitely not out of mind. The knowledge that I'll never see her again still hurts, but now I'm starting to wonder why am I letting myself continue to feel upset about someone who probably hasn't given me a moment's thought? 

    I think the way I didn't cope or look after myself in the weeks after that appointment, has taken its' toll on my physical health as I have been very much under the weather throughout this month, suffering from a recurring sore throat & cough which just won't go away. I am now suffering with very painful ribs and every breath, cough or movement is so painful. I have finally decided that I may have an infection rather than a virus and have managed to get a doctor's appointment for tomorrow - but to see the most unpopular dr at my surgery. Having been spoilt by having had the most wonderful doctor, it will come as a bit of a culture shock to me.

    in addition, I had blood tests taken recently and have found out that some of them are showing up problems, so I will have to see my new dr to discuss this next week.

     

    • lit53944
      lit53944 Whatamess

      Posted

      Your story is painful, I cannot understand how you feel about everything but unrequited love and loneliness I can.

      Being lonely when depressed often comes hand in hand but coupled together they do make living hard.  

      I don't leave my home and that's out of fear of the outside and the need to be close to the only family I have. I'm 22 and I know I wouldn't cope living alone..

      Loneliness is one of the most awful things and I'm sorry you are so alone rolleyes as for the physical affects, I'm the same. if my mood is low then I'm physically sick until it changes, I get mouth ulcers, dry throat, stomach cramps and my lips split and bleed. 

      Kinda ridiculous how your mind can actually change yor physical body.

      Again I'm so sorry you're alone. I will say eventually you may find the positives in isolation, I have. It doesn't stop the lonely feeling but being alone makes me calm and I feel unthreatened. I guess it's just making the best from what you've got.

      I hope things get better, with your state of mind and physical health x

  • Whatamess
    Whatamess

    Posted

    Saw doctor this morning and he was nicer than how he used to be, or perhaps he was just having a good day? Anyway he has put me on a course of strong penicillin, so I am hoping that I start to feel an improvement in a day or two.

    Other than that, my head is still all over the place and I know that I have to accept what has happened and try to move on. People often say that things happen for a reason but I can't think of a good reason about what has happened over the last 21 months; yes I experienced the kind and caring side of somebody but in the long term it has caused more harm than good.

    Thanks to @lit53944 for your words of support. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort in your life - I am sorry that you are unable to go out. I am grateful that I have a reason to go out each day to see my little canine friends. I think if I was unable to go out it would definitely be disastrous for me. I like to have my time of isolation but I also need to get out and sometimes be amongst people (even if I don't actually want to talk to anybody). You take care of yourself x

    • jran
      jran Whatamess

      Posted

      so glad to hear your ok. Once your infection clears up maybe you can move forward meanwhile be good to yourself do something nice for you. I volunteer every Friday to help and serve the homeless or people just doing it hard financially which makes me feel better about myself. I buy cheap razor packs of 20 and donate them because they always run out.Its just a little something I put back into the community and it makes me feel better. Try it

       

  • hypercat
    hypercat Whatamess

    Posted

    Hi I too volunteer in a charity shop 3 times a week.   I have felt quite a lot better about myself because of it.   I miss the feeling of belonging and being useful like I got when I was working for money.  Ok I am not being paid but I now feel useful again which is wonderful.   I am making a contribution and helping out for a worthy cause.   It might help you too?

    Ok there are days I drag myself in not feeling at all like working but within half an hour I am feeling a lot better.  x

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