I can't do this alone

Posted , 13 users are following.

Where to begin? Well, I'm an alcoholic, I guess I'll start there. I've tried quitting a million times before and always to no avail. Right now I am in hangover hell and I am looking forward to that first drink that is guaranteed to kill this hangover. And that is how I operate.

I have been drinking almost daily for about 7 years. And I have been alone for the last 7 years. This is no coincidence. I chose alcohol. But now I'm beginning to see how these two factors really perpetuate each other. I don't want to be alone anymore.

But who would want me in my current state? Alcohol has robbed me of everything of value that I once possesed. My humor, my wit, my creativity. All of it, gone. I'm am a drunken, empty shell. I want my self back. I want to be that girl who loved, and enjoyed life, who froliced in the sun, who danced in the rain. I don't want to be that girl who hides inside her house all day, too drunk to face the world. I can't live like this anymore. This is not living.

So I find myself here. Because I can't go it alone. I've managed to keep my problem a secret from my friends and family. They haven't a clue. I live alone and have no one in my life who is paying attention to what I'm doing to myself on a daily basis. No one knows that I'm slowly killing myself. And because no one knows, I know that I am not letting anyone down when I reach for that bottle at 9 o'clock in the morning. My hope is that someone here will pay attention.

Tomorrow I quit drinking. (I know, why not today but I have my reasons. Doesn't an alcoholic always have her reasons?) But I promise- tomorrow I will quit. I know I've made that promise before but it was solely to myself. But now I'm making this promise to everyone, to the universe. Maybe I'll keep it this time.

Thanks for listening.

2 likes, 65 replies

65 Replies

  • Posted

    Be careful about doing this alone...I worry if you are drinking all day that your body may need medical attention to get you thru this.  Depending on who you work for there are great detox facilities everywhere.  Its confidential etc.. and you have made the first step by reaching out here!!! Love yourself!


    • Posted

      Thanks for the reply. I'm not too worried about the withdrawal, as I have made a few attempts to quit and never experienced any symptoms. I guess I am more of a binge drinker, drink a lot for a few days, take a few days off...

      I will certainly pay attention to what my body is telling me though, and if I feel I can't go it on my own, I guess I will have to look into getting help. The problem is I live in an area that has a very corrupt health care system and it is very hard to get affordable care. The other problem is I live in a very rural area with very few detox/rehab facilities. A friend of mine recently looked in to checking himself in and he was told he would be number 285 on the waiting list. Goodness- I really just hope I don't have to go that route!

  • Posted

    A few things, don't be surprised if people actually do know, but don't say anything to your face.

    Tomorrow you will quit? Have you heard the phrase, tomorrow never comes?

    I am not having a dig at you, most of us on here (including me) have/are been there and speak from experience. If you need a drink at 9:00am then you are probably alcohol depedent and trying to go cold turkey is not a good idea, it can be very bad for you.

    You can taper off, difficult, because once you've had a couple of drinks, alcohol takes a hold of you and you can'tt stop, but it is possible and some people manage it. Tapering should be a gradual reduction in intake over at least a week.

    Personally I would go with the medication available, because this will help you longer term. The problem isn't so much stopping, but not going back to how you were before, the call of alcohol is strong and it alters people's brain/body.

    Nalmefene/naltrexone or acamprosate after a course of benzos is the usual route and these are both very effective and depend on what end result you want to achieve.

    What quantity and what type of alcohol do you consume on a daily basis. What ever you drink, there will be someone here who has drunk more for longer, so don't be worried about saying exactly what you have.

    • Posted

      Believe it or not, I don't think my body is alcohol dependent. (Although my brain certainly is!) I say that because I will occasionally take a break for a few days, gone as much as a week without, and never experienced any real withdrawal symptoms. Yes, I drink just about every day, but it doesn't always start in the morning, as I do have a job to go to, 5 days a week. When I do reach for the bottle in the morning, it's not to stop "the shakes", it's usually to ease the hangover and believe it or not, clear my head. Sometimes I'm just bored. Which is why I think being single has been a huge detriment to my success. Nobody is watching so why not? So I would say I usually drink about a half a bottle of wine every day, with a binge of about 2 bottles a day, twice a week. I'm not against the idea of medication, the problem is I guess I'm just too embarassed to ask my doctor. Are there warning signs of withdrawal? Will I know if I am about to experience them or do they come on suddenly?

    • Posted

      Hi I feel for you being alone is hard and when boredom sets in it's easy to pick up a bottle to pass the time ..But a Half a bottle of wine a day is nothing around 5 units i wouldn't worry I'm sure over half the country drinks that. But stop drinking in the mornings

    • Posted

      I can only echo your above post. It's exactly what I was going to say. It always makes me smile when people think no-one knows that they have a drink  problem, errrrrrrrr a lot will, and many will suspect you have.

      I used to choose handbags that had secret zipped pockets, half a bottle of vodka would fit in without being seen, until I could pour it into an empty water bottle.

      Just recently, there have been several people wanting help, but they won't go to their doctor. There are medications that help as you have said, but again your GP needs to be involved. It's obviously me, surely if you desparately want help what does it matter. Does anyone else really care whether you drink or not, are they really interested and concerned about you, not really, just 5mins gossip and they're pulling someone else to pieces. To get the best possible help, you need to be totally honest and upfront. 

      You were spot on with me, I've far too much free time, means and no real responsibility for anything. Like the op I hadn't really got a life, well just a shallow one, shopping, eating, - ladies that lunch etc.

      Like you say the easy part is stopping drinking. The hardest part is staying sober. We're telling people about medications, but if they won't tell anyone, what's the point. Without medication or medical assistance the chances of relapsing is very high. Each time I stopped drinking, I'd feel rough the next day, at the moment, I'm in control of when,where, why

      and how much I  drink

      sorry op I've jumped in on your discussion, but the sooner you get some help, the better you'll feel.

      How do you get medication when a dr won't prescribe anything, the recovery services tell you your GP will prescribe, and vice versus .


    • Posted

      A half a bottle a day is the norm, but it's the binging in between that worries me. But also, I am small in stature, so that 1/2 bottle really affects me. It makes me hungover, lazy, foggy. In turn I am unproductive, reclusive and barely scraping by at work. It may not seem like much to you, but my drinking effects my every being, in a very negative way. It is very much a problem.

    • Posted

      Everyone is different, but if you are averaging a bottle of wine a day, it is unlikely that you will suffer. Some people come here who are doing a bottle of spirits a day, that is certainly danger territory. If you can take a break for a few days then you are not dependent.
    • Posted

      I understand and appreciate that fact that medication helps many, but surely it's not the only way. I am not being obstinant in my regards to medication. If nothing else works, I will explore it. But it's not my first go to. I believe that I am strong enough to beat this without it. The only medication I am seeking right now is moral support. I believe that is more powerful than any little pill.

    • Posted

      Right, I don't think my body is dependant, but my brain very much is. The problem is, when I take that first sip, I can't stop. On the days when I only drink a half a bottle, it's because I had to work first. The bain of my existence is my free time- I'm in the habit of filling all of my free time with the drink. So, on my days off, it's Binge-City.

    • Posted

      We're singing off the same hymn sheet. Get help, detox with diazepam if necessary or use Selincro. Or go for Campral and get the craving out of your system.

      Then find a way to fill the spare time, so boredom doesn't sink it, swiftly followed by alcohol.

      How do you get medication if your GP won't help? Your choices are, go to an ARC and be very persistent and lose all dignity, but for many, that is the only route.

      Try and get an online prescription from a well known online pharmacy.

      Order if from an overseas pharmacy, but that was in the region of £120 for a month's supply of Campral.

      If you need diazepam, you are pretty stuffed if your GP won't help. You could go for a private detox, but even a home one will cost you a minimum £1,000, but at least you'll be supervised.

      Luckily for me, I made it an objective of mine to find a supply of diazepam, should I ever be in that horrible position of needing it. For the price of a good Friday night session down the pub, it is nothing.

      I realise that some people don't want to go to their GP and don't want it on their record and if you go to an ARC, they will write to your GP - they informed me that they did that as a matter of course and let them know any prescribed medication. It wasn't a problem for me, because I ended up in hospital, every NHS place has access to my records and knows my history as soon as I walk in. If I go to A&E with a broken toe, the first thing they say is, have you been drinking.

    • Posted

      Don't take any advice given, as a personal attack. Both Vicky and I have been through it, we just don't like seeing other people going through the same.

      If it is purely free time, then make sure you fill the free time so that it is busy with something other than alcohol. But I can't help feeling that it is more than that and you actually prefer to fill your free time drinking.

    • Posted

      I certainly appreciate every bit of feedback and will try not to take what I don't want to hear personally. You're right- the problem goes way deeper than nothing else to do with my free time. I am self-medicating.

      Something that bears mentioning is that I live in the states. Not sure how your health care system is but ours sucks. We are required to purchase "affordable health care". The cheapest plan that is offered to me is almost half of my salary. Not really affordable. (If you don't sign up for a plan the government automatically takes a fee out of your taxes) My "affordable" plan has a $2000.00 deductible. So on top of an astronomical monthly fee, not one cent is covered until I pay an additional $2000.00. And everytime you step foot into a doctor's office, it's going to cost at least $500.00 So that's the main reason I'm trying to do this without meds. They don't make it easy to get help around here!

    • Posted

      You just needed to mention the reason why. If you want to look at the meds route one day without using insurance/going to the doctor.

      Google all day chemist - acamprosate

      all day chemist - naltrexone (comes up as Naltima)

      Not trying to push you into using medication, just showing you that there are cheaper solutions.

      Yes, our system is different, not perfect, far from it, but it doesn't cost me a penny to see my doctor or for hospital visits. In fact they call me into see consultants more often than I want to.

    • Posted

      Just to make it clear, I'm not after any medication. Like you I have a supply of diazapam and my drinking is purely social. I don't drink alone or secretively anymore. I was talking about the op not me lol!

      Both the local ARCs I went to, several years ago, don't have anyone there to prescribe any medication, apart from methodone scripts which are printed off in another part of the hospital. They tell you they will write to your GP and he can prescribe the medication. Half the time he will say he can't and that it has to come from the ARC.

      To the best of my knowledge, your GP gets a copy of everything to do with your health. So even if you found an ARC prepared to prescribe medication, your GP would get a copy which is then scanned into your patient records.

      I don't care what my GP knows about me, or anyone else for that matter. If people have such sad lives that they have nothing better to gossip about, then more fool them.

      If I understand this correctly, you pay over 1k for a private detox and your GP is unaware. Same with selincro. Get it privately and no-one knows. So hyperthetically, you've had a private detox, you're taking diazapam for anxiety which you by online, along with selincro. You're then involved in say a RTA, your unconscious and being treated by nhs doctors. How on earth can they treat you or give you medication when they don't know what medication you're taking. Obviously your medical history will come up on the screen, listing what meds you're taking and based on that you're treated accordingly. What happens if the hospital give you a drug where there are or could be, possible contra indications i.e. taken together can be potentially dangerous.

      Ive had my rant now sorry! Basically, at the end of the day if you're prepared to pay, you can more or less get what you want, even though it could be quite dangerous. I can fully understand you buying campral online, you'd probably be still waiting for a prescription now lol!

    • Posted

      The reason for me suggesting medication is that you've tried doing it your way loads of times, and it's never worked, Infact you actually said millions of times

      It is entirely up to you, your choice what you do to your body, you asked for support and help, RHGB and I said with the correct medication after detox, you stand a better chance than just doing it yourself. Tapering requires you to be strong willed and  determined. You can be totally against drinking ever again and everything in the garden is rosey. Two drinks later, particularly if your tapering slowly with spirits, the motivation dwindles as the alcohol takes over

    • Posted

      vicks - you are bob on there - I, personally, would not buy any meds on line - one because I am not sure if they would be legit and two - just like you have said - what on earth happens in the event of RTA and contra indications!!!!!!!  It is not a rant - it is FACT!!!!!  Glad you brought it up.

      On telling the doctor - when I told my hubs that I am alcoholic (sorry AUD but he would not get that) he laughed and said I was not - maybe because I don't sit in the park with a bottlle of cider lol - our friends don't have a clue - my ladies who lunch have no clue, family no idea.  But I came clean to my Doctor and she sat and listened and referred me to ARC.  But this is confidential. Indeed, on my last visit to her for something else, alcohol was not mentioned.

      Battling on your own is very hard and if a person really does not want to open up about it, then it is a good job for forums like this, to keep you sane.

      Good post v - as always.


    • Posted

      I'm glad you posted this vickylou as it's made me really think now of all the risks of taking a medication like Selincro prescribed online inspite of the source being sound ..I was given the option to have my GP informed but declined but now this has made me really think of the 'what if's'.I am going to get a GP appt and start sorting it out ....probably have to wait a while but will carry the meds on me in the meantime just in case ! The forum is great ,its like having a universal brain 🤔😊

    • Posted

      Universal brain is right Nat - certainly makes you sit and take stock smile

    • Posted

      "You're then involved in say a RTA, your unconscious and being treated by nhs doctors. How on earth can they treat you or give you medication when they don't know what medication you're taking. Obviously your medical history will come up on the screen"

      Actually Vicks it doesn't come up on the screen. Every time I see a consultant they ask what medication I am on and I always carry all my hospital notes with me and produce my medication list. Even when I spent a night and a day in A&E last year, I had to give them a list of the medications I was on. They had no idea what I was taking and this is my local hospital that I attended eight times last year, seeing various different consultants including, neuro, gastro, cardio and dermatology and I'm back there the beginning of Feb to see the gastro and I bet he won't know which medications I'm on.

      I think we over estimate how well the NHS system is connected. There is also data protection and I don't know how that works with primary and secondary care providers.

    • Posted

      Blimey yep..you too mentioned the same think re medical records accidents etc ...I thought woweeee I hadn't thought of that ,silly me and it's always who'd Ave thought it isn't it.

      Hope you doing ok Gwen, sounds like you have had a tough week with all that booze waving around you...You sound like one very very brave lady . .Onwards and upwards girl x 😊...

    • Posted

      With regards to RTA's etc.

      Every genuine medication comes with a small credit card sized card that you slip in your wallet/purse.  Your Selincro, Nat, was simply obtained by a consultation by an official private UK doctor online - that card would have been in there, I can guarantee that because there is one in every box of Selincro. You did nothing different except you didn't have to pay for that private doctor's fancy office! 

      You didn't want it on your NHS records and that isn't an issue, but you should then take responsibility to ensure that IF you were involved in some kind of accident, the paramedic (who are trained to look for cards, ICE information on person and on phones etc) would find the information because you looked after your own wellbeing.

      In addition, the contraindication with Selincro is with opiate based painkillers.  Medical personal are also trained to know what to do if someone is on this type of medication.

      It also makes common sense to take additional precautions.  For example, I do a lot of cycling and so bought one of those ICE wristbands for less than £2 from Amazon.  I used that when I had the naltrexone in my system.  When I was drinking less and so didn't have it in my system, then I didn't wear the band.

      I guess my point is that anyone taking any medication of ANY kind should do a little research and take the responsibility of looking after themselves in terms of notifying about any medications they are taking, regardless of whether they obtained the medication on the NHS or not.  It's common sense.

    • Posted

      Apologies for typo.

      I meant to say that any medication that has potential contraindications should come with a card.

    • Posted

      RHGB, you are spot on here.

      A&E may have access to someone's medical history but it's still someone's responsibility to ensure that a paramedic has access to the information on someone's person.

      Think about this everyone....

      You are unfortunately in an RTA and fading in and out of, or are already unconscious.  Ambulances arrive.  The paramedic will see if he/she can establish details from your purse or wallet.

      Do you then think that the paramedic takes your name etc and go back to the ambulance to check a computer to see if he/she can give you painkillers?  Do you think they have a computer with all your NHS details in the ambulance?

      Of course not.  They treat you as quickly and as efficiently as possible in an effort to save your life.

      Therefore, it's YOUR responsibility to have the details of any medications you are taking on your person, in your wallet or even hold the details on your phone too.

    • Posted

      I thought I had taken responsibility in ensuring the paramedics and medical staff in A&E knew what medication my mother was on following a fall. I gave the paramedics a repeat prescription form which included all her current medication.

      However, somewhere between her going in the ambulance, her arrival at A&E. and subsequent arrival on a ward, someone lost the form. I lost count of the number of times I said she was diabetic, they all kept forgetting and

      her insulin I'd given to staff went missing as well.

      of course I don't expect paramedics to have knowledge of all patients medication. I'm going back about 10 years when I worked as a receptionist on A&E. After inputting the patients details onto the pas system there was the opportunity to select all hospital admissions, and medication history. The form was printed off and added to the patients notes which were then given to whoever was looking after that particular patient.

      I wasn't aware that the medication history was no longer available to print, so my comment about medication showing on screen was incorrect. It was available at one time, when I worked there, hence my comment.

      no system is 100% accurate and mistakes do happen. Things go missing regularly in hospitals, with the result that no one knew my mother was diabetic. From my point of view by giving a repeat prescription form I had taken responsibility for ensuring staff knew what my mother was taking.

    • Posted

      You certainly couldn't do anymore than that!  So sorry that happened, as you say it shouldn't have done.  I would think that A&E are still able to access it for sure, but not out on the road and it's mostly accidents away from home that causes concern for some.  And I am pretty sure that general consultation/non-emergency appointments, the information is not easily accessible because any consultant appointment I have been too recently, I have been sat with the consultant and all my information has been in a paper file. 

      And rest assured my comments were more towards those knowing they are taking an opiate blocking medication, or any medication that may cause an issue in the event of an emergency, and not taking the responsibility of ensuring they do all they can to enable a paramedic to find the information easily - especially when the little emergency card is in the box with the tablets!

    • Posted

      Fair enough I didn't mean it like that . Half a bottle a day is still way to much for anyone and when it's affecting there life which I'm sure it is as you would not be here. So its time to stop. Please try find the strength to quit before you do massive damage. Try keep busy find a hobbie you may even find love and new friends as they say the devil makes work of idol hands

    • Posted

      Have you got any 1 you can talk to a problem shared and all that... Do not be ashamed there are more of us than you properly realize...
    • Posted

      This sounds a bit ominous as my meds had no additional card in...only the med wallet card and the PIL .. I am very thorough reading stuff etc so couldnt have missed it , as far as i am aware they came from.a reputable online pharmacy and am now on 2nd prescription ...slightly concerned now unless you mean the whole med wallet card Joanna

      Since the conversations this earlier I have been carrying this with me but am.now wondering .....

    • Posted

      The med wallet card is what I mean, Nat - it has the name of the medication on it and saying that it is to inform that the patient is taking the medication.


    • Posted

      The wallet has the medication in in little blisters plus a calendar for monitoring .. it doesn't say anything that it is to inform that the patient is taking the medication...maybe i should contact them tomorrow

    • Posted

      Yes do so.

      I will try and find mine tomorrow and see if I can PM you a photo of it.

    • Posted

      In case I can't, you can ring the manufacturers direct on 01908 649 966.  I've spoken to them a few times about various things, and they've always been happy to put leaflets and stuff in the post for me, no problem.

      In the meantime, keeping the package on you is fine or write it down on a card and put that in your purse.

    • Posted

      Thanks so much for your help Joanna ..I will probably call that no instead tomorrow ... cheers
    • Posted

      " I would think that A&E are still able to access it for sure,"

      Not in my experience. September last year I had to go to the local A&E twice, two nights running, the second night I was kept in overnight (Friday night of all nights, it's like Beruit) and the whole of the following day. I think Vicki was the only person here I mentioned it to.

      I blacked out, so the first night they did a chest x-ray and an ECG and asked me about my meds. The next night I blacked out twice and back to A&E and this time they did bloods, kept me in for monitoring and for a CT scan the next day. Again they asked about the meds I was taking and I gave them the list I carry.

      About 3:00am they woke me up to ask about my meds again and could I tell them what dosages I was taking for the calcium channel blockers (special BP tablets). They had all the results of the tests I had had done that year, bloods, ultrasound, gastroscopy etc. but absolutely nothing on meds.

      However, anything that happens at hospital, tests, medications, admittance to A&E even if only for 30 minutes, is transmitted over to my GP within 12 hours.

      I've been to my four local hospitals in the last few years, Warwick, Cov, Leamington and Stratford and each one has asked me what meds I am on.

    • Posted

      I'm sorry to admit it but yes, I am ashamed and don't think I have the guts to talk to anyone face to face about this. Which is why I'm here. I feel I need some human support, but for now, I appreciate the anonymity.

    • Posted

      I rang the manufacturer today and apparently having the information card in the Selincro isn't mandatory ..However, she is going to send me one ....so it was well worth calling and the mystery is solved 😊

    • Posted

      Quite agree Gwen ...I don't quite get it really...I should have asked more questions but was making a cheeky little phone call at work ha ha N .

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