Posted , 13 users are following.
Where to begin? Well, I'm an alcoholic, I guess I'll start there. I've tried quitting a million times before and always to no avail. Right now I am in hangover hell and I am looking forward to that first drink that is guaranteed to kill this hangover. And that is how I operate.
I have been drinking almost daily for about 7 years. And I have been alone for the last 7 years. This is no coincidence. I chose alcohol. But now I'm beginning to see how these two factors really perpetuate each other. I don't want to be alone anymore.
But who would want me in my current state? Alcohol has robbed me of everything of value that I once possesed. My humor, my wit, my creativity. All of it, gone. I'm am a drunken, empty shell. I want my self back. I want to be that girl who loved, and enjoyed life, who froliced in the sun, who danced in the rain. I don't want to be that girl who hides inside her house all day, too drunk to face the world. I can't live like this anymore. This is not living.
So I find myself here. Because I can't go it alone. I've managed to keep my problem a secret from my friends and family. They haven't a clue. I live alone and have no one in my life who is paying attention to what I'm doing to myself on a daily basis. No one knows that I'm slowly killing myself. And because no one knows, I know that I am not letting anyone down when I reach for that bottle at 9 o'clock in the morning. My hope is that someone here will pay attention.
Tomorrow I quit drinking. (I know, why not today but I have my reasons. Doesn't an alcoholic always have her reasons?) But I promise- tomorrow I will quit. I know I've made that promise before but it was solely to myself. But now I'm making this promise to everyone, to the universe. Maybe I'll keep it this time.
Thanks for listening.
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