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I just feel worse every time i do it and it's no longer specific to a certain place or journey, it's absolutely everywhere and it is very rare for my anxiety to reduce whilst i'm out now.
It leaves me with no hope, i am sick of my husband saying 'all that matters is that you did it', it's not all that matters because my feelings matter too, i suffer so much just going out of the door, doing a bit of shopping is pure hell, even sitting in the car being driven home is pure hell because it's non stop fear, i can't even hear the front door opening without being reminded of how scared i am of outside.
At home i am strung up, anxious and scared non stop so there is no relief anywhere.
For me this is the worst possible thing that ever could have happened in my life and i honestly can't stand it anymore, i never expected it to improve very quickly but i didn't expect it to get worse when i was doing everything i could to face my fears, i worked so hard for so long and it was all for nothing.
I told the crisis team about my plans to end my life, it took so much courage to do that and they just brushed me off, they don't care and are no help at all.
There are some really brave people on this forum who continue to battle, i used to be like that but i just can't do it anymore, i have no fight left in me and am completely beaten by this fear, everything is like climbing a mountain, i am so weighed down with fear that even holding a simple converstaion with my husband or kids is too much for me.
I sit here at home after my trip out this morning that was hell the whole time, i panic and know i can never walk out of the door again and if i do i will go through the same intolerable hell, my husband thinks i can put up with this,the mental health team think i can put up with it too but i can't.
They told me that if i feel like i am about to end my life i should call an ambulance but i couldn't even get in it so there would be no point in calling one and none of that would stop this hell i am in anyway, only one thing can stop this, my husband has begged me not to do that to him and the kids but as much as i love them all this is more than i can cope with now.
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