I can't live with this anxiety and agoraphobia anymore.
Posted , 14 users are following.
I just get worse and worse, the anxiety is chronic and non stop, the agoraphobia is getting worse too despite my absolute commitment to facing my fear by continuing to go out.
I just feel worse every time i do it and it's no longer specific to a certain place or journey, it's absolutely everywhere and it is very rare for my anxiety to reduce whilst i'm out now.
It leaves me with no hope, i am sick of my husband saying 'all that matters is that you did it', it's not all that matters because my feelings matter too, i suffer so much just going out of the door, doing a bit of shopping is pure hell, even sitting in the car being driven home is pure hell because it's non stop fear, i can't even hear the front door opening without being reminded of how scared i am of outside.
At home i am strung up, anxious and scared non stop so there is no relief anywhere.
For me this is the worst possible thing that ever could have happened in my life and i honestly can't stand it anymore, i never expected it to improve very quickly but i didn't expect it to get worse when i was doing everything i could to face my fears, i worked so hard for so long and it was all for nothing.
I told the crisis team about my plans to end my life, it took so much courage to do that and they just brushed me off, they don't care and are no help at all.
There are some really brave people on this forum who continue to battle, i used to be like that but i just can't do it anymore, i have no fight left in me and am completely beaten by this fear, everything is like climbing a mountain, i am so weighed down with fear that even holding a simple converstaion with my husband or kids is too much for me.
I sit here at home after my trip out this morning that was hell the whole time, i panic and know i can never walk out of the door again and if i do i will go through the same intolerable hell, my husband thinks i can put up with this,the mental health team think i can put up with it too but i can't.
They told me that if i feel like i am about to end my life i should call an ambulance but i couldn't even get in it so there would be no point in calling one and none of that would stop this hell i am in anyway, only one thing can stop this, my husband has begged me not to do that to him and the kids but as much as i love them all this is more than i can cope with now.
1 like, 29 replies
helen20833 BellaLuna
Posted
Hi there dearest!
Oh Bella, sweetie, you are in full blown panic mode! Is there a Crisis Helpline you can ring?
You might have been pushing yourself too hard to prove to yourself and for the sake of your family, that you are coping. Forcing yourself out of the door when you are too tired to deal with going out. Trying to prove that you can do this and that it will not beat you. Being at home and dwelling on the fearful thought of having to go out again. Fighting, always fighting against it
Time out.
Accumulative tension and fear is exhausting. Sometimes we need time out to recharge our batteries. We need to be kind to ourselves. Time out to heal. I promise you, I promise I too have experienced the stage where I thought, I can't do this anymore! I'm not getting anywhere! Nobody understands! Nobody truly listens!
Stop now, Bella. Stop forcing yourself to do things when your mind and body are too tired to cope. Stop dwelling on the problem of going out again. It's not being defeated. It's not giving up or giving in. It's accepting that physically and emotionally you are exhausted.
Let the family, the four walls of your home help you heal. Relax in the sense of not pushing yourself, not telling yourself " I have to go out!" " If I don't go out today I'll never be able to go out again! "
Sounds familiar? I have been there in that exact same position. To hell with it Bella, give yourself time and space. I did. The very action of "letting go" so to speak, was a huge relief.
The fact that you would even contemplate ending you life shows you are worn out. Do you have a Samaritans Helpline there or something similar? Someone in the medical profession who could guide you through this? Would the GP consider admitting you to hospital for complete bedrest? Could your husband look into it for you?
I did my own bedrest....well I had to because in those days help/ medication in those days was zero.
Please dear, get back to me!!
I send hugs and love and support
Helen
BellaLuna helen20833
Posted
Thank you Helen, I just can't find any peace in my head anymore, even here in my own home I am constantly rocked by anxiety so there is no respite.
I do use the samaritans a lot, I begged the crisis team to put me into hospital but they refused to, they said because my husband is here i am safe, i was so completely honest with them and they just shunned me, my husband tells them how worried he is and they ignore that too.
I'm so scared, i long to go out, like today i really wanted to so much and it just felt so absolutely awful, i want to go out now, i want to go out and get ice cream, purely because i really want that ice cream but if i try i will just panic, feel scared and be back in this vicious circle again.
Thank you so much for replying, maybe tomorrow i can speak to my gp and ask her if there is anything she can do or suggest to help xx
helen20833 BellaLuna
Posted
Dearest, I am so disappointed in the Samaritans. Shame on them!
Now then sweetie, please do see your GP.I am sure she will help you.
Forget about going out today. Forget the ice cream. You are treadmilling your thoughts and adding to your fear. You're thinking about going out yet fearing going out. Like you say a vicious circle. If your mind and body are too tired to rise to the challenge of going out today, then don't go. Rest. Be happy in the circle that will make you feel happier, that is the family circle.
Bella, dear, you can pm me anytime if that will make you feel better, no matter what it is that's worrying you I will always respond. I have been where you are now. I know how truly awful it is. But....don't lose hope dear. I got through it and I am an abysmal coward
xxxx
BellaLuna helen20833
Posted
Thank you Helen, I think what scares me a lot at the moment is that the fear does not come down whilst out, when I had CBT I was always told that if you stay in a situation the fear reduces because it runs out of steam but because mine does not reduce I fear I am housebound.
It's so unusual for me to feel the anxiety going up as I am heading home, that never used to happen and it bewilders me because I have been out, felt the expected fear but done what I set out to do so usually with that done my journey home will be more peaceful but at the moment it's not.
For example I will sit in a park, the anxiety will be there like a ripple but I sit it out, stay there as I have been taught but then we get back to the car to come home and after a few minutes it's up again really high.
I will make contact with my GP tommorow, I tried Thursday since she does not work on Fridays but she had no availability, I will try again first thing tommorow though.
The samaritans have been lovely but they are a charity and only offer listening support, the mental health team have the capacity to actually do something but refuse to, I think a lot of people in the UK are finding it increasingly difficult to get the help they need which is such a shame because it used to be much better than this.
Thank you so much for your advice and support, I really appreciate it xxx
helen20833 BellaLuna
Posted
Dear Bella. In a sense I understand the anxiety heightening when you are returning home. I used to get that. i think it was spurred by the subconscious "rush" to get back indoors as quick as possible. A sort of "let me get home! I've done it. It was hard! Now let me have some relief!" If that makes sense to you? When I walk round to the local GP I talk to myself and take it as slow as I can manage. In retrospect I see that when it comes to walking back home I'm practically galloping, lol!
It's very telling that you mention sitting and feeling the ripple of fear. That tells me you are aware of it, inwardly shrink from it. Been there, sigh, done that.
I appreciate that for many people CBT is extremely helpful. Personally I found it a negative experience. It placed demands and expectations upon me that added to my stress levels. Sit it out. If you run away you have failed. If I don't do this I'll never get better! You have to sit it out. It's like a broken record in the head, piling on the pressure.
Agoraphobia is complex and the recovery programme cannot come under one umbrella for all. It has to be suited towards the individual and their physical and emotional capacity to cope. Overloading the patient merely results in failure, loss of confidence and despair.And exhaustion of mind and body. That was why I said, be kind to yourself, rest and recharge your batteries
I think Lisa's post was superb! What can happen to us? When we view it in that context, nothing bad at all.
The fact that you reached out indicates that the light of determination has not been extinguished in you! You have the love and support of a beautiful family. You have the love and support of the Forum members. You are loved and needed by both
We're all in this together, honey, xxxx
BellaLuna helen20833
Posted
That does make a lot of sense Helen, I think for me I know that as soon as I return home I will start to think about how I can never go out again, how I wont cope next time so I am scared when out but also live in dread of returning home to these feelings too.
For me the CBT was useful to some extent but I understand what you mean about how it does place demands and expectations on you, how you are taught that if you run or if that anxiety does not come down it signals failure which is bewildering and frightening when you know you will need to try again at some point, if you feel failure within you then you wont feel able to try again.
I am trying very hard to do two things, the first is to accept that sometimes fear will not reduce or it might reduce a bit but then return and the second is to believe that even if it does not reduce that doesn't mean I wont be able to try again another time, I am struggling though to believe that I can ever try again, I am taking that fear on my way home as a bad sign, a sign that things are worse than ever and all is now lost but somehow I need to change that pattern of thought because I know it keeps me trapped in fear.
Thank you so much again xxxx
helen20833 BellaLuna
Posted
Making the effort to change the way you view agoraphobia, all it entails and the effect it has upon you personally, is a great and positive step to take, Bella.
You will win through this dearest! Please, please believe that! xxxx
lisalisa67 BellaLuna
Posted
I have a few things to say. First you have very young kids and this will destroy them. I understand you think they would be better off or you feel your life sucks so badly you cant care anymore, but bella it will destroy them. So dig deep within you because it will,officially teach them the worst possible poor coping mechanisms.
Second thing is whatever this horrific fear is, if you feel its better to end your life, then you maybe can realize no point in the fear of fear. No point at all. Just walk outside and let the fear consume you and keep walking. The consequences your mind has created wont matter anymore. So you faint. You collapse. You feel terror but if the alternative is you want to be dead then so what "Fear " is terrorizing but if you have reached the point of complete resignation then there would be no more fear. Do you understand this. So rather then focusing your thoughts on suicide walk outside and keep walking and to hell with all this fear..the made up consequences in your mind dont matter anymore. Does that make sense. Maybe instead of killing yourself out of frustration you can kill the agoraphobia. If its really a choice between the two i say get outside and let the terror rip and screw it. **Whatever the worst scenario is of challenging the agoraphia is better then suicide. If you faint so what. Then you faint. Youll recover from fainting. As stupid as this might sound use this to heal. Fear doesnt exist if you no longer fear it. It is absulutely possible to recover if you get fed up enough too.
You know you and i have talked long ago. And all the love and hugs are always for you but bella kick this fear in the as* now. ****You have nothing to lose here but the agoraphobia. Its an over survivor mode thing in its eesence bella do you see that so once you dont care anymore about surviving you got nothing to lose but to get outside and kick the damn agoraphobia back to hell where it came from.
lastly you have such a kind husband. I have to say. What a wonderful supportive man. Im sorry the medical professional or more so insurance situation has failed you. They did. I have said that to you long ago. Your medicines needed to altered but nothing was really properly done. But you know what you dont need them bella, you think you do. You dont. You need YOU more right now. There is only one person who can stop this hell and it is YOU.
helen20833 lisalisa67
Posted
Oh Lisa! I think that's the best advice I ever heard about dealing with agoraphobia! All these years and even I didn't realize the logic in the brilliant advice you have just given!
Thank you! xxx
BellaLuna lisalisa67
Posted
Thank you Lisa, you are so right, I know that ending my life would destroy my children, I am desperately trying to hold on and push all thoughts of doing that away, I told the mental health team I need to be in hospital to keep me safe for the sake of the kids, better that I am here but in a hospital than not here at all but they just don't listen.
I understand what you are saying too about killing the agoraphobia raher than myself, it's true that when you feel you have nothing left to lose sometimes you just throw yourself out there and think to hell with what happens, yesterday my mindset was a bit like that, I thought 'well my life is over anyway so it can hardly feel any worse', I had all the fear and oh yes it was a horror but I felt a bit more 'accepting' of it.
Today though I woke up and all of that mindset was gone, I couldn't and can't find peace anywhere or in any way.
My husband is a wonderful man, he is so encouraging and tries to get me to believe in myself and trust myself more but my mind wont accept anything positive, I do feel very let down by the doctors but really I know that this whole thing is something only I can fix, I just wonder how to have the strength and why I can't see any improvement even though I continue to face fear.
To sit in that park feeling anxious but doing it anyway was to me the right thing to do, it was just such a kick in the teeth to feel the anxiety rise as we drove home, it's made me feel weak and that I can never do it again because the anxiety will always rise.
I'm so tired too, it doesn't let me sleep much, I could cope with not having much sleep but I can't even relax my body to get into a restful state so the tension and tiredness build.
I know I need to fight, I have a lot to fight for with the kids but it always drags me downwards and has me feeling that this fear is so much bigger than me.
lisalisa67 BellaLuna
Posted
Bella it is a "feeling" not a fact. It is NOT bigger then you. Look its a weird kind of win win concrete situation here.if you collapse.. If you have two very real options. One is you wake up, brush yourself off and go home. The other is a ambulance is called and you are brought to the hospital, not necessarily yours by the way and you tell them everything that is going on. Each town (venue)might handle things differently, or you get some compassionate person who fixes this all up somehow. I know this is hard as hell, not even questioning that one drop. But i do know its fear based. So do you. And if taking some sedative that would work can get you out the door "shutting up your thoughts basically so your body relaxes" then you need to realize you can get out the door. **Your story its soul touching. And i can feel it and rationale get mucked up in all this. I just know with no fear of this its the answer. Look science is not a damn religon. It isnt. It is as smart as it is at this moment only. We are such complex humans beings the scientist cant even figure it out. They make theories, but joke is they change those too. Sometimes i feel science forgets one massive important thing we have souls. Energy. All we are is energy. Pull any piece of you, even your hair its made up of little cells. These cells dont have little heartbeats in them either so you have an energy in you far greater and stronger then you understand. We house souls, we are energy. Not even being corny being truthful. It in its simplicity its how every mri, spect, pet scan even functions anyway off off our energy (heat, light its all energy) fear is energy a horrifically bad one but it is. I say this because i really want you to absorb you have this is in you to battle it. Dont allow any bs theories to muck it up with nuerotransmitters and happy hormones..i think there is a huge chance our energy guides those hormones in the first place.but i dont know anything just my own hypothesis. The only one thing i can say to you is exactly what i already said when you have hit rock bottom, i mean rock bottom and note you have had it and no longer want to continue life or life as it is at this moment then the fear of fear should be gone. And you might as well go for it. Im rambling on but i mean to try and help you understand or believe this is fixable. It is people do come out of agoraphobia. They do. It is usually from the "i had enough" venue that it works. I do know the body can get crazy intense with symptoms, oh boy the extent of that one but there is also a point it cant go further with what it does, it runs out of juice, or you experience mental exhaustion (nervous breakdown and u know you recover from that too) . You need to allow your soul to have a say in all this. Its potent strong bella. People they just forget about their souls but thats how you actually even exist to begin with. Let your soul guide you. To do that you have to surrender your "feelings" of your body and "surrender your thoughts and allow your soul to take a hold of all this and guide you. It is trying too that why you go back and forth. That is what i think happens when people really do hit rock bottom. They realize to surrender. Jeez i know it sounds preachy, or maybe like im rambling in or im at a different stage or level in this then you but im trying so hard to reaxh inside of you and get your body and mind to be quiet and let your soul guide you. Noe even religon based by the way. It is what we are, it is our beings. The fear is not bigger then you. You are bigger, stringer and more resilent the. Any fear.
lisalisa67
Posted
its not actually a "fight" its surrendering in a way you do not need to fight anymore. I would call it peace,
kathleen70500 BellaLuna
Posted
I am brand new to this forum and I THANK GOD I found it. I am a 59 year old woman. I look and act young for my age, according to everyone. I have suffered anxiety and depression, on and off since I was about 45 but NEVER anything like this! Out of nowhere, about 6 months ago, I started having panic and anxiety, off the charts. As I type this, it is a 15, on a scale of 10! of coarse, 10 being the worst. I have been on and off anxiety meds, one after another, because of the side effects. I have an amazing husband and grand kids, house, life, period! I have never been more sad and riddled with panic, fear and uncertainty. I have often thought about swallowing a bottle of pills. I sit here right now, wondering how I got here. My 3 older siblings have never with any of what I have. I wonder why it has happened to me. I go back to see my amazing primary care in 2 days, to tell her that her latest choice of medication, Lexapro, had to be stopped because of yet, more side effects that I cannot live with. PLEASE BellaLuna, I know exactly how hopeless you feel. I know that it is an end all to end your life and the pain is gone BUT, what has stopped me is the thought of what it would do to my husband, 2 dogs that live to see me come through the door when I come home and even worse, my 87 year old mother, who depends on me to take care of her well being every day, because I am the ONE with the medical knowledge in this family, the come to for everything, her health care proxy and her Power of Attorney. All of them would be totally devasted if I left this earth, but by my own hand would leave them all beyond sick, shocked and depressed. I feel your pain 100%, even if I am not afraid to leave my house, I am scared to death of what every day holds for me, when I put my feet on the bedroom floor every single morning. THERE IS HELP OUT THERE!!!!! THERE IS!!!! PLEASE, talk to your doctor. I know I haven't hit the right med, even if I have been on 10. I know it's out there. Sometimes, medication is the only answer. Sometimes, other avenue's work. There is biofeedback. There is even Electroshock Therapy which works miracles for people who are suicidal. I have a ton of medical knowledge. There is a clinic here in Rochester, NY that specializes in it. They do it at the Mayo Clinic. I know what hopeless feels like and I have everything I could possibly want in life but I would trade every ounce to have this all go away!!!!! I am here for you now. I may not be able to fix what is happening to you but I CAN HELP!!!!! PLEASE, coming from one person that has wanted to end it all, to another. Do not do that to your loved ones. They have to suffer with that until they are no longer here. They will all wonder what they could have done to help but didn't or couldn't. I AM HERE!!!!!!!
kimberly59704 BellaLuna
Posted
Anxiety and Panic is so exhausting, that's no lie. It goes 24/7 with no let up. It is so hard to be there for your kids,and husband,when you are so focused on your anxiety and panic,just trying to get through another day. When I was at my worst, I was house bound,and if I went anywhere I felt like I couldn't walk and I was going to fall down, and a ambulance was going to come, or I would have a full blown panis attack, god awful. I know what your going through. Now that you are at your wits end,it's time to call your family doctor and tell them that you are crazy with anxiety, and having panic attacks. You need a antidepressant right away. Going outside for a doctors appt, may be the most important step you need to take. Please do this for you and your family. I promise you will feel better again.I was just like you for a long time, and I have been on meds for years, and feeling great. Best thing I ever did. I want that for you. Your family needs you. You have to want to take the first step. I know that you are talking about ending things because you want this to stop,because you can't take it anymore. I hear you. All of us that are afflicted with this terrible thing has felt like we can't take one more day. Take control and go for help. I am rooting for you girl.
lee12629 BellaLuna
Posted