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I can't live with this anxiety and agoraphobia anymore.

Posted , 14 users are following.

BellaLuna
BellaLuna

I just get worse and worse, the anxiety is chronic and non stop, the agoraphobia is getting worse too despite my absolute commitment to facing my fear by continuing to go out.

I just feel worse every time i do it and it's no longer specific to a certain place or journey, it's absolutely everywhere and it is very rare for my anxiety to reduce whilst i'm out now.

It leaves me with no hope, i am sick of my husband saying 'all that matters is that you did it', it's not all that matters because my feelings matter too, i suffer so much just going out of the door, doing a bit of shopping is pure hell, even sitting in the car being driven home is pure hell because it's non stop fear, i can't even hear the front door opening without being reminded of how scared i am of outside.

At home i am strung up, anxious and scared non stop so there is no relief anywhere.

For me this is the worst possible thing that ever could have happened in my life and i honestly can't stand it anymore, i never expected it to improve very quickly but i didn't expect it to get worse when i was doing everything i could to face my fears, i worked so hard for so long and it was all for nothing.

I told the crisis team about my plans to end my life, it took so much courage to do that and they just brushed me off, they don't care and are no help at all.

There are some really brave people on this forum who continue to battle, i used to be like that but i just can't do it anymore, i have no fight left in me and am completely beaten by this fear, everything is like climbing a mountain, i am so weighed down with fear that even holding a simple converstaion with my husband or kids is too much for me.

I sit here at home after my trip out this morning that was hell the whole time, i panic and know i can never walk out of the door again and if i do i will go through the same intolerable hell, my husband thinks i can put up with this,the mental health team think i can put up with it too but i can't.

They told me that if i feel like i am about to end my life i  should call an ambulance but i couldn't even get in it so there would be no point in calling one and none of that would stop this hell i am in anyway, only one thing can stop this, my husband has begged me not to do that to him and the kids but as much as i love them all this is more than i can cope with now.

1 like, 29 replies

29 Replies

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  • BellaLuna
    BellaLuna

    Posted

    Hi everyone and thank you for all of your lovely replies, i just wanted to let you know i am still here, struggling terribly but hanging on and when i feel suicidal i think hard about my children and how much pain it would leave them with, i know that no matter how desperate i get i just cannot end my life, i am drilling it into myself that it is simply not an option.

    I try daily to get an emergency gp appointment but none are ever available, i have a booked one for the 18th which is something at least.

    I ring the samaritans a lot to get me through, it's only a listening support service but i get a kind person on the phone just to talk me through my feelings which is good.

    The mental health team are a joke, they say they will contact me then don't so i chase them up and they say someone will be in touch but it never happens and so it goes on.

    I am anxious constantly, often to the point of hysterical but i am still here and hopefully my gp can help when i do get to see her on the 18th, thank you all again xx

    • helen20833
      helen20833 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Hang in there honey! We're all praying and wishing you to get well.

      You can do this!

      Believe!

      Love from Helen xxx

    • helen20833
      helen20833 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Hang in there honey! We're all praying and wishing you to get well.

      You can do this!

      Believe!

      Love from Helen xxx

    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Are you allowed to go to a different district or area and go into their hospital for help? Maybe it is only your area that stinks with this. Someone  on here once explained some are better then others. I have zero clue how the uk works but is this a viable option?
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna lisalisa67

      Posted

      Hi Lisa,

                  This is something i have thought about and intend to speak to my gp about, the department we get here depends on where we live and where our gp is based, you get sent to the one for that district but sometimes they are willing to allow patients to be dealt with by hospitals in other districts.

      The one i have in mind treated a family member of mine not long ago during a mental health crisis and the care was fantastic, nothing like the nonsense i get so i think it's worth asking at least.

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna helen20833

      Posted

      Thank you Helen, i am trying so hard to keep believing that this will one day improve xx
    • lisalisa67
      lisalisa67 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Asking, pleading and work your way into her heart by explaining to her she holds the key to help you. And there wouls be no words to express the gratitude and appreciation if she could please just help you save your soul. You say that with tears in your eyes and prayer in your heart. You would be amazed how strings can be pulled and she can get you where you want to go. She can do it, she has to want to do it. Good luck because that would be very wonderful for you.
    • kathleen70500
      kathleen70500 BellaLuna

      Posted

      I think many of us are thankful that you are still here and that you let us know that you are! We CAN relate. We can! You are not alone. At the very least, try to get the doctor to put you on a med that can calm your mind and body down. No matter what you take, be it anti-anxiety/depression meds, or something like Valium or Ativan, for very quick and almost instant relief, they are habit forming if taken for a certain periiod of time but you may need something of this nature, to settle your system down for a bit. Sometimes, those are the avenues one must take to get quick relief, until another plan comes into place. We are all here for you and will help you anyway we can. I am so glad you are still here and trust me, IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!
  • keola13518
    keola13518 BellaLuna

    Posted

    hello i read your post and am going through the same .Are you still agoraphobic and if not what did you do to escape this ?
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna keola13518

      Posted

      Hi keola, sadly yes i am although i did have a period of time when things seemed to improve, i still always needed m husband there but i was going much further and experiencing less anxiety in general about it.

      I went for CBT and repeated it over and over again, it was honestly the only thing that ever made life tolerable for me, i am med phobic and nothing has changed in that respect.

      Last year i was diagnosed with anorexia so for months the entire focus shifted onto dealing with that and weight restoration, i found that during restoration i was better in terms of my anxiety so whilst i know that not all anxious and agoraphobic people are also self starving it has made me understand that looking after your physical health can have a hugely positive impact on your mental health too.

      I have had a horrible day today and was just about to post about it, mostly though I take one day at a time, I try not to set high expectations of myself and i always try to remember that things can be better, often it is when we are not actively trying so hard that we notice the subtle changes but certainly CBT did have an impact, I just needed a lot of it and even now I have to go back and repat it to try to maintain myself a bit so i certainly think it's worth trying and really perservering with.

    • keola13518
      keola13518 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Thank you for the advice .For me, the only time im really happy is when im sleeping ,and i do that so much (sleep everyday from 8 pm til 7am )i wonder if im messing with my brain chemistry.I sometimes wonder if ive fallen off my life path and destiny by being slightly agoraphobic(i get out of the house sometimes but its really tough to do fearing panic attacks)I have to constantly remind myself that im living in the current moment because my mind tends to slip and wonder about what life is like outside this house .If i ever survive this id want to help others with this battle also .
  • Ashley2116
    Ashley2116 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Hi, I've been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks too which I struggle to go out too I was wondering if you have improved and how your getting on now. I'm new to this website. I was also wondering that have you had a panic attack that your whole body feels paralyzed and you have to lay down and the body has seized up also the hands and fingers all clutch up and can't really move. With all the others symptoms too but was wondering if you ever had that experience because that's the scariest situation in my whole life?

  • patricia65551
    patricia65551 BellaLuna

    Posted

    I'm sorry i don't know how to do this suport gtoup am computer illiterate am trying

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