I can't take it anymore!! Perimenopause horrible..HELP!

This is my first EVER foray into signing up with an internet forum site (I'm crossing my fingers that when I hit "send", my email address doesn't show up!) - it is not something that I am even comfortable doing. HOWEVER, I seem to be struggling in a bubble here, as many of my friends aren't experiencing what I have been. I am going to list the layered symptoms that have continually cropped up over the past 6 years (yes 6, this all started when I was 40).

Bowel movement changes. All of a sudden, it seemed, I was delivering stones. Bypass if you're not comfortable with this topic. I had always had small amounts of red blood upon bowel movements, thanks to the precipitous delivery of my first born (22 yrs ago), however when the bowel changes occurred, I became concerned that perhaps something more sinister was at play (a year before my uncle passed away from colon cancer so it did amp up my nervousness surrounding this change, coupled with my "normal" fissure bleed). A colonoscopy proved all was okay in this department.

Next I started experiencing a very strange symptom that happened when I was driving one day. All of a sudden it felt like I had left myself and that the "lightswitch was going to flick off". It was as though in an instant I became lightheaded or dizzy, it's hard to explain, but I had to calmly breathe and pay attention in order to pull my car off the highway and calm things down. What came first, the dizzy or the panic...it became my first clue in the coming years that I could be embarking on an anxiety journey, coupled with 3 or 4 serious panic episodes (complete with chattering teeth, racing system, heart skips/palps/flutters, heavy pressure in my shoulder/arm and upper mid-back, adrenaline chills and the feeling that "this could be it"). I would 'visit' the ER twice in this year after finally convincing myself that this could not be panic - I was definitely upset to go to the ER because I am the type that waits it out...the thing you're not supposed to do.

After a couple of years of this "feeling" that would come on, and would take over my body (& mind), and would sometimes even WAKE ME UP from sleeping, along with bloodwork, EKGs, a stress test, 24hr urine hormone test, etc., I believe that I began my panic years - brought on by the hormone fluctuations of perimenopause. My doctor said that I was too young, at 43 (even though he is a fab doctor). I didn't believe him. The only other explanation for these odd experiences would be my insanity, and I'm far too logical for that

Over the next 2.5 yrs, the following issues have layered on:

Hot dry tongue/mouth

Choking feeling-as though a thumb is pressed on my throat (I've learned a classic anxiety symptom)

Large breast lump (aspirated, mammogram checked & ultrasound checked - fibro breasts)

Heavy, thumpy head - LOTS of head pressure and I have to breathe properly when bending over or tipping head down to avoid heavy thumping (happens periodically, sometimes days in a row)

I have always had headaches & migraines throughout my life - continuing now (increase in auras)

Red face/hot head, though not a hot flash

Left rib, under rib ache that can migrate around flank/back - has been 3 yrs (CAT scan showed no issue)

Bone aches - heel bone, rib and hip.

"Flashy vision" - as though very light sensitive and then eyesight is affected/not clear (this I believe brings on anxiety, which layers some additional physical symptoms)

Tingling fingers (more so if I raise them up above my shoulders)

Acid reflux (new within 4 months! I can sometimes try to swallow the liquid at the back of my throat, to no avail. I feel mine follows a silent reflux description. Food getting stuck in throat, pressure in my back with air - I've never been able to burp my whole life...until now)

Light red patches on neck that will come and go.

Cystic acne began 3 yrs ago, which is thankfully under control now after 7 months of initial horror.

Only a handful of sweaty hot nights

I can feel worse after a walk-I no longer engage in strenuous physical activity. A walk can make me feel "heart attacky"!

Nerve ache in arms

Left breast pains

I can feel a hardness in my upper gastric area

Lots of doom feelings brought on by physical or "weird" sensations. What comes first the mental or the physical? This is my question when I am walking along, enjoying a beautiful sunny stroll with my 19 yr old daughter and I'm overcome by lightheadedness - then air starving. I have to pretend that all is well to not alert my daughter (or friend or husband). It is cruel whatever it is and I feel that I am being assaulted. I try to talk myself through episodes of, what I can only assume are, anxiety, but the physical issues can hold me hostage for hours, days, weeks.

I find that it has helped to track my symptoms/episodes on a period tracker app, and this sometimes helps when I scroll back and see that the week before my last month's est. ovulation, I was feeling just as doomy and under physical pressure/dizzy etc. I also rely on a meditation app that I use when I feel dreadful.

I have lists reminding me to try acupuncture for anxiety, massage and I am being careful to avoid caffeine and sugar *gack*. I am in awe that this is happening within my body and feel as though the hormone fluctuations are making it a challenge to cope with the anxiety over the physical ailments that are cropping up (seemingly monthly). On a good day I can rationalize still, however on the doomy physically reactive days, I find it challenging to believe that I am healthy and okay. I have always believed myself to be a highly rational, level headed woman, who knows her issues and knows how to handle anxiety (which was a genetic gift), but this phase of life has been a bit of a struggle. My children are 19 & 22, life should feel more relaxing & yet it feels so unpredictable and down right frightening sometimes. I must admit the fear factor in all of this is hard to navigate.

I do see a Naturopath who has me trying probiotics & vitamin D.

I am thankful that so many of you have shared your stories, on this forum and around the internet, when I'm googling "dread and perimenopause" at 2 am in the morning

This was long-winded and perhaps TMI but as I stated, I don't chat on forums or any other internet-based pages. I felt compelled to share every little 5yr detail with you today - lucky readers!

I am only hoping that this story ends with a delightful menopause period of life, filled with clarity, calmness and with many years to enjoy my family. Right now it feels a little touch and go...

My wish for many of you is that things are looking up, as this is a topic that was started over a year ago. Best in life, Jenny