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I can't take much more

Posted , 17 users are following.

10derdigits
10derdigits

Hi, I'm Chris, I'm 45 and I can't cope.

This is my story.

I Have suffered with various stomach grumbles all my life. I have never been a sick person (only physically sick once from a bug in 30 years) but always had bloating, uncomfortableness. Paid many a trip to the doctors but it was always Gaviscon or more lately Omeprazole. I must also point out I suffery from acute anxiety, OCD and depression. Not on any meds though at the moment.

Anyway, towards the end of July, after eating out a lot over the course of the month, my stomach started to feel off. No pain, no sickness but just off. Then I had some bad cases of instant intestinal discomfort followed by a quick dash to the toilet and a bit of a mess in the bowl. This happened several times. Also, when my toilet was not runny, it was Tan in colour, nearly mustard. I went to the doctors, had a full bowel physical inspection and full bloods done. All ok. Had a week away in Cornwall, apart from one "Dash to the toilet", everything calmed down apart from the colour was still lighter than usual. I went back to the doctors as they had put my on Sertraline for my anxiety but I had stopped taking it. I had another bowel inspection (different doctor), I explained my yellow poo but he said I was not saying anything that rang his alarm bells. No visible blood in stool, no constipation, no diarrhea. Just this horrible yellow poo. He made me an appointment to see a Mental Health specialist. I went away, felt better. I started to change my diet (I was 14st 6ish, 5ft 10). I was drinking coffee and tea all day, 1 large sugar in each, up to 15 cups. Snacked on biscuits and was getting little exercise as I am currently off work long term for an ankle injury. I cut milk out, bread, all sweets and cakes etc. I had to go back to the doctors for a follow up, this time my wife came with me as she cannot cope with my anxiety. I must say, thtoughout all this I have been so anxious and stressed. I spent 22 hours straight googling cancer, making notes. I googled 2700 websites in 48 hours. Cancer is in my every thought. I cannot have a second in the day where I'm not thiking about it. 

The doctor explained he could just start sending me for tests but with my personality I would never be happy, first Endoscopy, then I would want a Colonoscopy, then if they came back clear I would switch to liver. He is right about that, with my current frame of mind anyway. 

So, on top of all this I started weighing mysef daily starting about 3 weeks ago. I was (naked on a pair of Tesco own digital scales about 14st 6). 

Over the last week I stepped up the exercise, just walking. Walked about 28 miles this week at a good pace. I have no problems with walking, I have no energy loss or fatigue and I'm a healthy colour. Actually I'm fed up with people telling me how well I look. Now several days last week my poop changed. It wasn't perfect (to me a hard walnut brown is perfect) but it wasn't the mustard colour it had been. And I go regular, always between 5.30 and 6.30am. Weighing myself daily I noticed weight loss. Now normally I would be over the moon but no, my head just linked straight to cancer. I would weigh myself over and over. Now yesterday I went to the toilet and it was a proper stool but it was light, I instantly started to sweat with fear. That was it, my day was ruined. I spend the whole morning (even though we were at an exhibiton) crying inside. I was overwhelmed with feeling of (no one believes me, not even my wife). We went for food, we came home, I had to pop to the loo again. It was just a small amount but it was yellow and floating. "Malabsorbtion" my brain keeps screaming. That would explain the weight loss!! I started to goole and ending up spending 6 hours moving from forum to forum looking at bowel cancer stories, trying to find people with similar symptoms. I didn't though. It seems the compete opposite to yellow poo is one of the most noticed fisrt symptoms of bowel cancer but I get no relief from reading that. So anyway, I have weighed myself this morning and I am 13st13 naked. My head started spinning, I can hardly breathe. Cancer Cancer Cancer is all I can hear. I just can't cope with this. Fast weight loss, yellow poo. What can I do now? I'm even frightened to go to the toilet as I already know it will be yellow. 

3 likes, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • louise40304
    louise40304 10derdigits

    Posted

    Hi Chris I read your story and had to reply. First of all I am sure your weight loss is probably due to your great walking you have been doing and cutting out your tea and biscuits. It is surprising how doing something like that can make a difference. I have done exactly the same to lose weight and it worked! I suffer from Irritable Bowel and have just had a colonoscopy and CT colonoscopy which found nothing though I dash to toilet regularly terrible alternating constipation and upset stomachs and yellow poo! It is kind of mucousy and stringy too. Unfortunately stress makes irritable bowel worse. It sounds like you may have Irritable Bowel but I would insist the doctor sends you for a colonoscopy just for peace of mind. My brother also suffers from depression and has developed health phobias. He does take tablets which help and has had CBT therapy which also helped but he still has a constant battle. I have no medical background only my symptoms and experience but it does sound like you need tests and as many as the doctor can give you - not because I think you have cancer but for your peace of mind. My brother started going to the gym regularly and it has saved him! He focuses his energy on exercise, releases stresses and it takes his mind off worries. You say cancer is your every thought so maybe doing other things so that you think about something else may help. Anything that focuses your mind.I suffered terrible panic attacks after I lost my little girl she was still born 2 weeks before her due date. I did all sorts of things from jigsaws, to puzzle books, cycling to breathing excersises. Please let me know how you get on I hope you get things sorted soon.
  • nataliefranc
    nataliefranc 10derdigits

    Posted

    I am so glad to read of someone so similar to me! I really feel like I'm going crazy! I too google symptoms and forams every single day and it's taking over my life! My main fear is that I have chronic pancreatitis or cancer when doc keeps telling me it's just ibs. I too am obsessed with my stools even been known to do it on a tissue and inspect it with gloves to see if it's at all oily which could be a sign of my pancreas! I'm sure I'm more an expert in pancreas problems than my gp the amount I have reaserched! My partner thinks I'm mental and I can't blame him it's taking over my life at the moment! I just want tests done to put my mind at rest! Waiting on specialist appoint next month. I had almost every test 4 years ago when I was also in this state! Never wanted it to come back but it has sad 

    I read something positive and feel ok for a second then I read something not and it's like something stamps on my chest! My heart starts beating fast I get hot sweats and that it I'm in full panic mode and nothing helps! Even taken myself to a&e hoping for tests but they don't do anything!! 

    It's hard to function and look after my 3 children when this is all I can think about!

    I really feel your pain and no matter what people say until u have had tests u will probably like me continue to feel like this! It's horrible. My boyfriend says it's like I want to be ill, I want to be told it's something but I don't at all I want to feel normal and happy again!! 

    Take care it's right what they say this stress makes ibs 10 times worse!

  • kim59492
    kim59492 10derdigits

    Posted

    I really felt I needed to comment on this post too. 

    I am almost a carbon copy of you with your cancer worries.   

    I have had stomach issues for around 4 yrs now. It was after a bad stomach infection and also doing a liquid only diet for 4 mths which was the most damaging thing I've ever done to my body. 

    I've had every test going almost. Ultrasounds, barium swallows, x ray, gall bladder scans, ovary scans, blood tests, you name it. 

    All came back clear. But I am still

    Having symptoms of bloated ness after a tiny meal, constipation, wind pain, general feeling of an upset stomach. Mostly wakes me in morning, usually settles slightly through the day. 

    I have seen two gastroenterologists , neither cared or bothered to get to bottom of it. So I've struggled on. 

    Till this week and I thought I have had enough of feeling like this. So I dipped into my savings and paid privately to see a third Gastro doctor whom I was recommended to who is an academic specifically for stomachs !!

    Off I went to see him, he sat with me for over an hour. The first thing he said to me ( quite sternly ) was you will only move forward with this complaint if you get that signpost out of your head that says I have cancer. ( I too am cancer phobic) but unlike you I can't read anything about cancer as I would probably freak right out. 

    He went on to explain that I have had numerous tests and that cancer is one of the easiest diseases to find on any given test. He said if you had cancer we would have probably found it from the very first test we did on you, and your blood tests would be out of whack too. 

    You have had numerous scans looking at your stomach and internal organs and they were fine and you DO NOT have cancer. So let it go. 

    He was in agreement I was suffering with abdo pain and discomfort. He said you most probably do have an irritable bowel but the anxiety is giving you a brain/ gut response. This is where because the brain is so powerful it can trigger these pains. I'm not imagining the pain it really is there but it's exasperated by my anxious thoughts about it being cancer. 

    He has put me on a child dosage of amytrypltiline as I really didn't want to take it at all. He told me to take probiotic yoghurt with linseed to soften my stool. He wants me to try some therapy eg: hypnotherapy to help control these anxious health worries. But the most important thing I came away with from this guy was the line "get that signpost about having cancer out of your head" I have constantly chanted that to myself since. Especially if I have some wind gripes. 

    This may or may not help you understand what goes on in your head. But I h

    • kim59492
      kim59492

      Posted

      Sorry hit wrong button....

      I hope it helps you. 

      Please go back to doctor. Ask to see a Gastro doc and while you are waiting ask him to look into something for your anxiety because the hours you are spending googling illnesses you probably don't even have is not normal. 

      Good luck and feel free to come back here to ask me anything else. 

    • kim59492
      kim59492

      Posted

      I forgot to tell you. The condition he says I have is call functional abdominal pain syndrome (FAPS)

      Now if you want to google anything get off the stomach cancer forums and google that till your eyes fall out. That's a good read and I bet you will be able to identify some of the stuff on there. 

      Good luck. 

  • 10derdigits
    10derdigits

    Posted

    Thanks for the replies :-)

    God how bad is this Cancer Phobia? yes we all know it exists, it always will but we stop living our lives because of our fear of it? God the mind is a marvellous but oh so frail thing. I have been to the loo this morning. I sat and played with my phone for a while, dreadig to peek. It wasn't yellow, that's one good thing. It wasn't perfect either, more of a "Patchwork" poo. No blood, no mucus (as far as the naked eye can see anyway) but more like a Cadbury's picnic (sorry for the comparison). Mind you I have never seen mucus or blood in my poo. Stomach feels uptight though, just had a row with my partner as she is just tired of this and I totally understand. She is worried that being how anxious and depressed I am I will do something stupid to myself as I have a history of self harming (I have never thrown a punch, had any kind of fight or even argued with a stranger but I have had times where I just wanted to damage myself). I reassure her that I won't but when the mind crosses that line people do take their own lives (my best friend did this in 2009). I think the weight issue is whats really bothering me now. I have lost 6ish pounds in maybe a month at most. Yes I have changed my diet a lot more, bananas instead of Dairly Milk, no bread (apart from 1 slip up a week ago, and no milk, tea or coffee and I have walked and walked over the last 10 days. For a normal person they would accept this as excess fat burning off quickly as it's not supposed to be there and you have changed your lifestyle but oh no. Not in my head. Cancer for sure. 

    Once again, thanks for taking the time to read and post

    Chris

    • kim59492
      kim59492 10derdigits

      Posted

      You have anxiety. Probably NOT stomach problems. If only I had time to give you my history. Anxiety will mimic real illness the mind plays tricks believe me I know. 

      The first thing you need to do is FLUSH THE LOO do not study every poo it's unnecessary. It's making you worse. 

      If you haven't had a poo sample sent away for analysis do it. That way it will put your mind at rest when it comes back normal and you will stop examining every poo. 

      I think you need to tackle your anxiety before your stomach and I will bet you when your on top of the anxiety your stomach will start to feel fine. I'm talking from experience here. Been there. 

    • marey
      marey 10derdigits

      Posted

      looking forward to some feed back when you have time!
  • alexander_39124
    alexander_39124 10derdigits

    Posted

    Hi I am sorry that all of this has turned out to be a nightmare for you, yes worrying about cancer is not the best though everyone does think about it at time.

    Yes to have peace of mind, do follow up with all the test get 2nd opinion sometimes.

    I think you are worrying too much and it has caused too much stress on your life, make sure that your Doctor / Specialist take you seriously but also you somehow have to bring joy and happiness back into your life and start living.

    I wish you the very best and good luck should follow you.

    Alexander.

  • Mutley
    Mutley 10derdigits

    Edited

    Not the best comment to make to a cancer phobe.... If you look for it you'll get it?. That could freak him out even more when we know that that is not true. I had a neighbour who is in her 90's who has had a fear of cancer for her entire adult life, she's still going strong. Sometimes we say the wrong things to people whilst trying to help them at the same time. Heck that scared me.

  • kim59492
    kim59492 10derdigits

    Posted

    Well said Mutley

    Unless you are a cancerphobe you have no idea what goes through peoples mind, its REAL, it is debilitating and its unfair to yell at people for something you do not understand.

    • Mutley
      Mutley kim59492

      Posted

      I was Kim for a dedicated 5 years after loosing a friend to it, then my partner left me after many years together and it stopped just like that, my psyche couldn't believe it, he said they are the hardest people to treat. I have a gastric condition now but I'm not eat, sleeping and drinking cancer, its amazing not to be scared all the time. Its there maybe 15% of the time but not the all consuming 1000%. You know you can crack it it just took an awful incident to stop for me. And to Chris, there is no reason why you can't set up a group. Find out about support groups in your area, also speak to a councillor who deals with anxiety, you can bet your life on it they will be health ones,see if they will join 6 to 8 patients together, hypnotherapist a are more open to suggestion. Poetic...but mine actually suggested it.. I never took him up on it though. Keep talking it helps, I'm sure talking on this forum has given some of you relief. I hope so.
  • 10derdigits
    10derdigits

    Edited

    So, a lot of replies to this and I'm so grateful for all your opinions. I have had a slightly better day today. Have only been to the loo once, did a 7 mile walk, haven't weighed myself since first thing this morning and got my 5 a day in. I did have a colofac this morning though and have had a bit of wind!! I never get stomach wind, just the other end!! Sorry if this is to much infomation. Anyway, where is my mind at? I'm still worried about the weight loss. Yes I'm stressed out of my mind, yes I have dramatically changed my diet and yes I have had more exercise in the last 8 days than I have in the last 2 years and yes I was overweight to start with (4st 6 and 5ft 10 = love handles) but I still find myself arguing with reason. I have no fatigue as I said in an earlier post, I dont sleep during the day, and I have a rather lovely tan (from all the walking). I look really well. I just wish I felt it.

    I wish there was a group where we could all "Talk" and share rather than just type. Sometimes it's just nice to "hear" someone else talk about it rather than read. 

    • kim59492
      kim59492 10derdigits

      Posted

      Did you check your poo ? Hope not. 

      You may have wind because you have had five fruits today. If you have a sensitive tummy give fruits may be a bit too much. 

      Eat some bland gentle foods too, something that won't irritate your tummy too much. 

      I do think you would benefit from going and talking to a professional about this cancer anxiety. I felt it helped me a lot. 

      Don't try to plod along suffering on your own. There are professionals out there who can help you get through this. Just go find them. 

    • 10derdigits
      10derdigits kim59492

      Posted

      Thanks for the comment Kim. I did check my poo this morning but hopefully I will just sail through now till tomorrow morning and I will do my best to not check it. I have an appointment with a Mental Health specialist as arranged by my doctor on Wednesday. I will see how that goes. It's funny, for ages now I have wanted to lose weight, I have hated being 14st 6. Now I have lost weight I want to put it back on as I am so bloody concerned about cancer. Forget that I have walked over 30 miles in a week and dramatically changed my diet along with the unbelievable stress I am suffering with. 
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