I consider withdrawals to be the devil

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My withdrawal from alcohol has gotten so much worse in the last years.  I am on Day 2 right now from withdrawing....I drank  1 week, day and night...did not eat food....if I wasn't sleeping...I was drinking...I was drinking beer.

Day 1 - I could barely drink anything...everything tasted horrible.  I managed some soup (about 3 tsps)....some yogurt and a glass of Gatorade.

I was lucky enough to have lorazepam to get me thru shakes and sweating.

Day 2 - chills...still no great appetite...didn't eat till 3:30 this afternoon.

Trying to choke down the water. 

The psychological toll it has taken on me is even worse...total panic all the time...alot of anxiety...feeling like a failure to everyone around me. 

I know from experience that I will feel better every hour of every day that I stay sober...but the Nausea this time is so unbearable (sure I have pancreatitis again).

My boyfriend must be so sick of me saying how sick I am...moaning...can't help around the house...I felt lucky to take a shower today.  I am ANGRY...to the point where I dont care what he thinks...but deep down i just physically and mentall feel sick inside and out.

I had 8 years sobriety and gave it up....I had 2 months and gave it up....I don't know why I keep going back...because everytime I drink I end up this way or worse.

I hope anyone that feels like me today...knows they are not alone.  Because I feel alone...and like such a waste of breath.

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  • Posted

    Hi Ya Misssy

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so ill, both physically and up top. Glad you have your boyfriend there keeping an eye on you. Go to your GP hopefully he/she can help reduce physical symptoms.

    Regarding the questions why you keep going back to alcohol?? Thats because of your perception regarding alcohol? For example if you were ill every time you drank cola or ate peanuts you would probably be diagnosed as being allergic to them?? Or with some other definate diagnoses. Giving you a sound medical reason not to eat peanuts or drink cola.

    Check out (AWS) alcohol withdrawal syndrome? look at the effects of AWS and ask yourself the question am i allergic to the withdrawal of alcohol. If the answer is yes and you have a diagnoses to back it up, then it becomes easier to abstain.

    If someone offers you a drink you dont have to think of a reason to say no? you just say i suffer from AWS, im allergic to the withdrawal of ethanol which is a fact? My withdrawal symptoms use to go directly to seizures, others like yourself anxiety and some suffer depression. And it is these symptoms which cause the dependency trap.

    People subconciously or conciously suppress the feelings of withdrawal by going strate for the very thing that caused it. Until they end up with ethanol in their systems 24/7. By this time it is near possible to withdrawal without professional medical help.

    Please, please make sure someone is with you 24/7 and if things dont get any better call your GP strate away. Wishing you all the best and if you have any questions regarding AWS dont hesitate to ask.

    Allan

     

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    • Posted

      Thank you...and I like your screen name wink

      Yes, I am familar with this...and with PAWS.

      My problem is I use alcohol to COPE when situations arise that I feel like I can't cope with...mainly my older sons problems.

      Then I think...JUST ONE NIGHT....I already know it is not just one DRINK for me.

      My GP is sick of me after the last 2 years of relapsing. 

      Exactly...there was a beer in my house today and I was staring at it saying to myself...I just DONT want to feel like this anymore...If I drink that I will get the immediate AH...HA...feeling.

      But I KNOW it will not stop....I will not stop hurting if I don't push thru this phase.

      The next phase is learning how to COPE...cause this could very well happen again, if I don't.

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  • Posted

    Hi missy, I so understand how you feel, but please believe me, it will get better and easier....I was a very bad alcoholic for ten years.....sectioned four times into a mental health hospital....endless home detox....overdoses.....near death....damage to every organ. Even my brain was beginning to shrink...but I have now been well for thirteen years....it is very hard at first...but I felt so healthy and I actually began to like myself again....I gained weight and became my old self once more....I was very, VERY lucky, my GP, mental health nurse, and my CPN, also I had a wonderful specialist alcohol nurse, I still had quite a few slips, but picked MYSELF up....and I have never forgotten the first time I went to a pub and enjoyed myself WITHOUT A DRINK....

    It can be done, and it is soooo worth it.....try not to beat yourself up if you do slip, it is not the end of the world...just try again....you must try to lose the guilt....you are NOT a bad person....you are NOT a weak person....you did NOT choose to become addicted....every day you go without a drink is a good one....and it really, really does get easier...plan some new activities for when you feel better,, sport, or painting or maybe cake decorating....

    You have to forgive yourself..you are still YOU the person you were before, you are not a monster, evil or weak...you are someone who has an illness you did not choose......you will be so much in my thoughts...please, please never give up....giving up....you deserve to....big and warm hugs to you,,,take care lovey...Deirdre xxx

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    • Posted

      Oh yea...absolutely sounds like you know how I feel (and others going thru this CRAP). I don't know how old you are...but I like you...many detoxes and institutions...as they say "jails, institutions and death".

      Thank you for teling me all the things I forget (I'm not weak, I'm not a bad person)..and everyday gets better.

      Today we are having people over and I feel like I can handle it..as far as showering and being "presentable".  There was no way I could have done it yesterday.

      I loved what you said about entering the pub sober...I have done that in my sobriety and it is a great feeling.  Yes, people fun can be had without the drink....putting the drink down is extremely hard and for me it is all because the withdrawal. 

      I have said many times....if there were no withdrawal...I would be a lifetime alochol...because the escape is something I love about it.

      But, quite frankly the escape FROM IT...is even better.

       

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    • Posted

      super nice reply!! Everybody should read this since it gives hope to those who relapse and the give up and really should NOT give up and keep trying like you did and still do. you are in inspiration to us all.
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  • Posted

    Well done and well said Deirde. Misssy your reply to me tells me alot about you? You already Know you are self medicating, you have already identified the reason/s why. You are intelligent enough to figure these things out yourself! Then you know there has to be another way of addressing the underlying reasons.

    I dont know what problems your eldest son has? but if you feel or believe your GP can no longer help; ask him/her to refer you to someone who can.

    Apart from my perception on alcohol, education helped me as well to abstain for 9 years now. There are some great colleges and universities out there offering adult courses. Set yourself your own personal goal, there is "nothing you cannot achieve", and go for it. You are obviously highly intelligent and have alot on your plate. You need to find a different release and some me time which dosnt involve alcohol?

    Just confirming what deirdre said, "dont, ever, never, give in or give up. Youve done it previously for 8 years "now that is impressive".

    Allan

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    • Posted

      You are very wise yourself..I have heard it said that people of our nature are very intellegent people.

      Your exactly right I need something else to do....since leaving a job of 19 years and my son (combination) I couldn't cope with all the time to THINK.

      I'm 51..I've taken many things and stopped them for various reasons..Real Estate (never went for licensing).  Nursing (never completed the majors).  Recently I completed a course for Medical Coding and went for licencing (drinking contributed to me not completing two of those tracks).

      Thank you for your kind words and lifting inspiration smile to all of us.

       

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  • Posted

    Day 2 of withdrawal is always the worst I've found. Make it through to day 3 and you will start to very gradually feel a little better. 

    Your story sounds like mine, tho I've never made 8 years! 

    A friend said he can get me some lorazepam so I can start detoxing today. 

    Im terrified of detoxing.

    thanks for being there X you're definately not alone..

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  • Posted

    Thanks to deidrie and Allan too for your inspiring posts. My Drs are tired of me too misssy..referred to addaction and have to wait 3 weeks for an appt and you get to see a young girl who looks about 20 and has no personnel  experience of alcoholism

    I will be detoxing on my own and I'm terrified xx

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    • Posted

      It is very hard. I'm on day 10, not done anything physical, just watched tv and read. Appetite has only just come back. Some days were just water and more water. You and missy can both do it. Just remember there are many like us and we're not alone. Take it hour by hour to start with. What is helping me is knowing that even after vodka I didn't really feel any better. Yes it takes away cravings for a short while, but when that bottles gone, the withdrawals are worse and it all starts again. Hope you're both ok xx
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    • Posted

      Hi Ya Paper fairy

      Do you have a friend who can come and stay with you or you with them for a few days? You have a right to be terrified of detoxing especially on your own, although i would strongly urge you to wait until you can get some supervision. Especially for the first 24hrs?

      Regarding Addaction, they do have volunteers with first hand experience of drug/alcohol misuse. If you feel you are being patronised in anyway ask to talk to one of their mentors? Forget the 20 year old with no experience and think about what Addaction can offer you as an organisation. They have a lot of influence over other  government departments, even your own doctors will sit up and listen to them.

      Fingers crossed for you, try and keep in touch so we no your ok.

      Allan

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    • Posted

      Paper fairy as we live near each other I wondered if you had tried ads as well as addiction. PM me for their phone no and a contact if you want. They have a resident dr there and fully qualified specialists. I was seen within a week and you can do self referral. Hope you're doing ok, or rather as well as you can do. We can help each other. xx
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    • Posted

      vickylou...10 days is a horrible thing - I hate the withdrawal also because while recover 5 days, 10 days...etc..I still feel like I wasted MORE of life and too much time to think.  Time is wasting is what one friend of mine said.

      Here's to a better day for all of us...and many hopes for paperfairy to get to the withdrawals..and then to make it thru....them.  It takes a strong person in my opinion to get thru this..and I hope to never forget this pain.

       

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    • Posted

      Yea, its just another let down when our Drs give up on us too.

      We can do this in spite of their opinions...You can do this fairy....Life is short we need to start living.

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    • Posted

      My doctor won't listen to them, he thinks that they are a complete waste of space and the sooner that it can be brought back to GPs, who know their patients the better.

      My doctor knows all about me and knows that my body could not wait the 2 - 3 months that Addaction wanted before they might do a home detox.

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