I don't even know what i'm scared of!

I'm trying so hard to stay hopeful but it's difficult at the moment, anxiety has troubled me for years but never to this extent, it's consuming my whole life at the moment.

Hi greentea30029,

                               I wouldn't say I got better to the extent that I live without anxiety but certainly I can say there have been times when life has been easier than it was before and the anxiety has eased to a less severe state for periods of time.

I still take the medication I was on previously but I decided not to add anything else in the end, mostly because I was simply too scared to.

I had CBT, it was helpful, it did not cure me but it helped me to cope and feel like there was a chance that I could have a better life one day, it also helped me to identify the causes and triggers for my anxiety ad made me realise how easily I can actually talk myself into a costant state of panic without meaning too because I ultimately conclude in my own mind that the worst level of panic will always happen.

My situation was further complicated late last year when I was diagnosed with anorexia, my CBT had to stop, my BMI was at 15.8, my cognitive functions became impaired and remain that way despite being weight restored.

But as for the anxiety I think the better times I have had have been purely down to being very willing to suffer it day in day out and refuse to give up trying, it's not easy at all but this time last year I was screaming my head off just allowing my husband to drive me out of our street, this year I have been on trips with him that have covered 100's of miles, I have seen things I never thought I would see in my whole life and allowed myself to be driven as a passenger on busy motorways that I refused to go on for almost two decades of my life, I will sit there thinking 'be rational, it is just a road,nothing else'.

I still have a great deal of fear though, this time of year with sunny days and warmer weather coming are difficult, they always have been and I am terrified that it will all get badly out of hand again but I continously remind myself that my only requirement is to get through the next 5 minutes, focus on that, not the days,weeks, months etc, just the very immediate future.

I am going to be having CBT again now that my weight is restored but it is a 12 week wait it's actually a very good waiting time but of course 12 weeks feels like a long time when you are scared and feel like your life is about to cave in on you again.

I do believe that CBT has played a hugely positive part in my life but it is something I have needed to repeat and revisit and will probably need to keep doing that for the rest of my life, not that I mind because it does make things more tolerable but I did learn not to expect a complete cure from it, it can have a very subtle effect even if it is a positive one.

I have had high level anxiety for most of my adult life but the complete breakdowns only started about 18 months ago and apart from the dieting there was nothing else going on to provoke it to become so severe, all I know is that I am hyper sensitive to stress, I cannot avoid stress but I do try to make sure that I am looking after myself when it hits.

I eat properly now even though it's extremely difficult, I do things that are purely good for me, I force at least an hour of downtime daily, that hour is mine, it is for listening to music or doing anything else I enjoy, my therapist said this is vital, even if you are hysterical with anxiety and it feels impossible, you absolutely have to keep trying to train your brain to shut off, eventually it works but it requires a lot of practice and patience.

And I talk about it, endlessly at times, I have a list of helplines and I use them, it's an incredibly useful way to vent my negative feelings.

I have a hug determination to survive these days, I almost gave up and at my worst state of anorexia I was told that if I did not accept help I would be dead in 6 months, my first thought was 'Thank god for that!' but then I got angry, I did not deserve to die nor did I deserve to suffer and honestly I think that anger was another thing that saved me.

I use that anger a lot even now but I also try to use the rational thinking I was taught in CBT, the 'What is the worst thing that could happen?' type of thinking, well I will panic, I will feel awful but that will be it, nothing else can happen and I think that helps a lot too.

I cannot see a day ahead where I will be free of this, I still need my husband there to leave my house, I still worry and wake up thinking 'not this again' but because I have survived so much with chronic anxiety I have good reason to believe I would survive it again.

I hope you find a way to get some relief but please believe me when I say yes it can get better, I also think the more pressure we put on ourselves to get better the harder it is.

I used to test myself, force myself to go out feeling anxious even if I didn't need to go out because I thought I was doing the right thing but I was making myself worse, good luck, it can get better but I think it is a case of fiding something that helps and repeating it over and over if you have to and of course self care, that is very important, eat, hydrate, do things for yourself, that can only benefit your well being.