Posted , 8 users are following.
I have recently been in intensive care after an overdose and am now back on antidepressants but would much rather be dead. My partner has locked all medication in a safe but I have managed to start stocking a hidden supply of medication that I will take if one little thing pushes me over the edge. I spend all my alone time looking at the death rates of OD with medication I can get my hands on.
2 likes, 25 replies
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Adldiane Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul it's Diane. So happy to see you talking to us on here. Do you want to say what is bothering you so much that you want to take your own life? We care about you are her for you hope you want take such a permanent step and know things always get better! Diane
hypercat Paul1972
Posted
wayne1962 Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul - if you are determined to die there is little anyone can do. But you owe it to yourself and those around you to explore every single avenue of survival first. This means all psychiatric possibilities, any of multiple medications available that are relevant to your mental health issues, even submitting yourself to safe environment under medical supervision where a plan of action and ongoing support can be established. You should also consider that survival of a an intended suicide from and overdose can result in severe and irreversible brain damage.
Paul1972
Posted
I don't know why I feel like this now. I have a stable home life and job I enjoy. It was my work colleagues that saved my life the other week. All I know is when I am alone I just sit there thinking I don't want to live. I had a terrible childhood and was bullied and abused by my peers until I was in my late teens. Every time I see a program that has any form of abuse I get flash backs and my mood drops. I tried talking about it too my partner but she seems too think a hug and sex makes everything better. That just makes things worse the antidepressants make sure of that.
Hurt2017 Paul1972
Posted
Please Paul don't think or do that , always remember your here for a reason, believe in yourself!
Hurt2017
Posted
Hurt2017 Paul1972
Posted
Paul I know that feeling but there's to much to live for, you have a love please don't forget your here for a reason, how would the people that love you handle your death, I've seen to much.... My son's fiance killed herself almost a month ago at 18, destroyed my son & family
mauiblue Paul1972
Posted
this world is getting pretty heavy.
We have eachother and we all have a purpose in this life if it is to serve then let it be to serve.
dont let this take you down PLEASE
Paul1972
Posted
I have seen the mental health access team at my local hospital last week but I don't really like telling them too much as I have been sectioned 3 times in the past. Since starting the antidepressants I actually feel worse all I do is sit around thinking too much. I have no interest in anything and feel sick at the thought of food. I know I am loved by my family and work colleagues but that means nothing too me. I don't have any friends too talk too as I don't trust people I fear men due too the abuse I suffered as teenager I just wish I had the bottle to take my life in a way that nobody could save me.
mauiblue Paul1972
Posted
I do not know what sectioned means..
Antidepressants will either work or they wont.
For me they havent yet..made a few attempts..but they are creepy so far.
Food also makes me nauseous but i have to eat.
Do you have kids and do you have an instinct of love for them?
You know you can totally rebuild yourself im just saying...
Men have better success rates with beating depression..
Nothing i can say will help but i am here and will reply. I hang on for my boys.
There are genetic variances that are quite well researched and common among the population.
They affect the neurotransmitters big time...many people dont know about them.
One is called the MTHFR gene and the other is th COMT. I am heterozygous for the MTHFR so far, and now
many things make sense to me,
My only hope is to bio hack my brain and get a protocol for nutritional suppements etc. that will take a while to figure out but im really wanting help badly.
I wanted to share this with you.
Dont hurt yourself yet...just wait it out Paul.
im sorry you were bullied, you CAN reinvent yourself you know...there is time.
mauiblue-
mauiblue Paul1972
Posted
Reinvent yourself, there is hope there is love there is purpose to this
you dont know me, but im trustworthy.
i totally get you though i totally do.
just stay the course for now ok?
thurmanmurman Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul,
I know what you mean when you say you have a family who love you but it means nothing to you. But the only reason it means nothing to you right now is because you're depressed. Im sure youve felt the benefits of being loved before, and you certainly will again. It's just right now your sense of pleasure is flattened. I beg of you to tell your partner that you are stocking up on medication, and also to tell your doctor so that you all can come up with some way that works to prevent you from having a stock. Perhaps your partner can pick up your daily dose from the doctor or pharmacy daily (as im sure there will be days when you feel unable to go out). Next, you really really should talk to a psychotherapist about this trauma - because in my non-professional opinion you seem to be traumatised, perhaps you have PTSD. The ongoing nature of your abuse and the flashbacks point to this. If you speak about this with your doctor, they will refer you to a therapist who will diagnose you. Talking about it will change you, I'm certain. Because thoughts of the abuse seem to be a trigger of your depressive state (states are never permanent my friend), so talking to a trained professional about your thought processes, your views on yourself and your life, will help you to understand where your mind goes, why, and how to change the way you think. Then things will get easier.
Youre probably thinking "no, this wont help, nothing will, its impossible to feel even ok again". That is the nature of depression. It is the biggest and most convincing liar in the world, and everyone who has ever experienced it has thought the same way. Then you get better, and you realise it was a lie, and that depression was only a very unwelcome guest in your head, rather than a full-time resident.
Also, your antidepressants probably arent working for you (as you tell us you are suicidal, clearly they are not working), you must speak to your doctor about this and they will try you on something else. There are many many different types of antidepressants, and one group does the opposite to another group. Which is why medication is a tricky thing which needs some tweaking and time to work. Lastly, I beg of you not to be looking a death rate stats. This means that your brain cannot help but be fixated on your situation and your deep depression, and thinking about that will push you deeper down. Please do something else. Watch tv, sit in the garden if you have one or take a very short walk outside with your partner. Im not saying you will enjoy these things, and you will perhaps feel scared and bleak the whole time you are doing these things. But at least your mind has a chance to open up through new stimuli. Focussing on one thing for too long gets you further into a slump, i find. Also, if you manage to focus on a film or something, this can help. If you imagine that that moment is all that exists (and truly, the present is literally all the exists) and if you feel even a moment's relief from your pain, then that moment (essentially your whole reality) is ok. Or maybe even it'll feel quite bad. Quite bad, i think, is better than the lowest you can be, which you seem to be now.
Also, in terms of food, i have been struggling with the nausea from the way my thoughts make me feel during the day (the same neurotransmitters we have in out brain are in our gut!), so the doctor recommended i eat more liquidy foods, like yoghurt. Or a banana. If you can stomach those foods, then its ok if thats all you can eat.
Please let us know how you get on and if it's been possible for you to follow any advice! Dont be disheartened if it has felt impossible to do so. X
Paul1972 mauiblue
Posted
Paul1972 thurmanmurman
Posted
Hi. I am not stocking up on my own medication as my prescription is released in 7 days supply only and can only be collected by my partner who keeps it in a fingerprint activated safe. I found some tablets for diabetics that are not mine I know these on there own can kill me if I take more than 4-5 and I am not found I have 28. I am know that I am treading a tightrope and I know I should hand them over. But I don't want too I want to have them so when I feel at a very low point I can end this misery and no longer be a burden on people in my life.
thurmanmurman Paul1972
Posted
I understand where youre coming from, i hope you know that I realise how real and valid this things you feel are. 🙂 But the depression is lying to your brain right now. You may feel suicidal at some point in the future, and you may impulsively use these pills to end things. But this suicidal feeling will pass and you will feel back to usual, which I can tell is very bad (but not on the level of wanting to end things). You have not used these pills yet, which means that at this point you are not feeling at your very lowest. Therefore, even if you hit rock bottom again, it is 100% possible to not feel like that again. The burden on people will only come if you die, Paul. You know that many people love you even if depression is telling you that they dont or that it doesnt matter. They need you in your life and they want you to get better. And you will! But you cant if youre not around. Please reconsider keeping those diabetes pills and please try and start seeing a counsellor who can empathise and help you, for your own sake ??