Posted , 8 users are following.
I have recently been in intensive care after an overdose and am now back on antidepressants but would much rather be dead. My partner has locked all medication in a safe but I have managed to start stocking a hidden supply of medication that I will take if one little thing pushes me over the edge. I spend all my alone time looking at the death rates of OD with medication I can get my hands on.
2 likes, 25 replies
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Adldiane Paul1972
Posted
Paul this is Diane how are you doing? Haven't seen a post from you in the last several hours. Will you give us an update on how you are doing. We are here and we care I promise you are not alone. Diane
Paul1972
Posted
Hi Diane, not been on for a while feeling sick all the time today. I think it's my antidepressants. Still dealing very low. I have not taken anything but I can't say I am not thinking of it. I do have a colleague who I have been talking too about how I am feeling but as I am off work this week I feel I have nobody and am just sat in the house on my own all day.
wayne1962 Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul - the meds will work if given time - 3-8 weeks. Dosage may need tweaking, or meds changed to better suit your particular condition. Meds are a tool, not an answer. You need to address the underlying issues - childhood abuse to get past what has happened. The flashbacks you experience when you are reminded of the past are signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (perhaps complex) not unlike the issues soldiers have when coming home from the battlefield. The issue will not just disappear. You need to take action to deal with it. It will be painful and confronting, but in an environment like a psychotherapists' office, you will be safe. Sectioning will occur if you express the desire to hurt yourself or someone else, so you need to regulate your suicidal ideation. It won't help. The answer now is to act - deal with the underlying issues.
Adldiane Paul1972
Posted
Good morning Paul it's Diane. Just checking in to see how you are this morning. It saddens me to know that you are so depressed that you would rather not be alive. What is your plan for today? Diane
Paul1972 Adldiane
Posted
thurmanmurman Paul1972
Posted
Sorry to hear youre struggling to sleep. Ive found personally, however, that if i force myself to be awake from a certain time to a certain time, then each night it gets easier to sleep. Even if i managed only 4 hours sleep the first night. The next night im more tired so maybe i get five hours. And so on and so on. No napping in the day. It helps me 🙂
Your health is worth getting out of bed for. If you tell yourself you will do just one thing tomorrow, like washing a few dishes, stepping outside for five minutes and having fresh air, making a cup of tea, or anything you can, then even if its difficult, seems utterly pointless, and doesnt make you feel better (it will be like going through the motions), eventually it will affect how you feel, make you distracted for just a moment and you may feel able to do more each day, and find a way to believe its worth getting out of bed each day.
Have you reached out to any counselling services?
Hope you know people care about you x
Paul1972
Posted
Wish I had not bothered getting out of bed. Have ended up Sat down all day with thoughts going through my head. Still can't eat and had nothing for 5 days now. I have tried to watch tv but can't focus on that. I have considered taking a few tablets to see what effect they will have on me I know a couple should not kill me. I just want too plan the end
thurmanmurman Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul,
Im really sorry to hear its been a tough day. I understand what it's like. I also know that those feelings and endless thoughts i had passed, as all feelings must. As a way of coping, i tried to accept the bad feeling without trying to do anything about it or get too deep into it. I thought "ok, these horrible thoughts and feelings seem to be consuming me. I havent been able to just turn them off in the past. So now ill just allow them to happen, it feels bad, but its not a permanent part of me." Very difficult to do, i know this. But it can help.
I also found making absolutely no plans whatsoever for the future helped me to cope. Making a plan to end things is certainly not something you should do because paul, you will get better!! But the idea of having a plan to do anything at all tomorrow or later in the day can put pressure on and make you feel worse. Perhaps try just being.
I do feel as well that trying not to sit or be in one setting for too long is helpful. When you only have one thing to look at, things start to stew. Going to different rooms, even going outside, can stimulate your mind beyond the cycle of thoughts youre experiencing now, even if that stimulation is barely palpable.
Im sorry if these ideas are unhelpful, but i and many others here really do care, and understand what it feels like, and ultimately want you to get better. X
Adldiane Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul it's Diane. One thing that I have learned about my feelings is that they are just feelings. Sometimes they hurt sometimes they are painful sometimes they feel like they are consuming me. But once I start allowing them to control me instead of me controlling them I start feeling out of control and can feel hopeless. I don't like letting my feelings control me so I have learned things to do to stop that and get my feelings back in control. I got a very good therapist and I worked hard with her first by being brutally honest with her...next I got one friend that I could be honest with outside therapy. There are other things that I did. We can start there. Let me know if you are interested in some of the others. You have lots of people out here. You are not alone!! Diane
Sad-paul1980 Paul1972
Posted
Hi Paul, I can really feel your isolation, I am going through the same feeling. It's really hard to realise that the feelings of those around you who love you, mean nothing to you and in my case even annoy me. I feel isolated when surrounded by love and support, my brain reads it as oppression rather than support. I've had many dark periods when I wished my heart would just stop so I wouldn't have to deal with life anymore but I made a deal with myself a few years ago, I promised myself that when things were at their worst I wouldn't give my crappy life the satisfaction of beating me, I kind of think of my depression as a person who lives with me who is constantly trying to convince me that all is lost so I try to get angry rather than sad and so far thats whats kept me going. It's hard to get out of bed and I'm really down most of the time but I won't give in to it and you shouldn't either. What I'd they invent a cure for depression next year or the one after, please don't give in to it, stay in bed for the next month of you need, just don't give in.