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I don't want to be a burden anymore

Posted , 4 users are following.

lor793
lor793

Hi everyone i'm 21 years old and i've suffered from anxiety for around two years although lately this has got a lot worse. I am a constant worrier and a very emotional person I always think that until someone has actually gone through this they will never understand. I was sexually abused as a child and lost both my grandparents within a small amount of time. This hit me hard and also makes me worry and think that something bad will happen to me especially my heart as my nanny had fluid on her heart. My grandad also collapsed suddenly and I worry about this daily. I feel scared to leave my home and I worry about facing work and people. My doctor has put me on Fluoxetine and Diazepam which I don't feel have kicked in yet. I have so many things daily that I want to do but I don't feel that I can do them what is happening to me? I have an amazing fiance who is doing everything to help me but I feel as though I am a huge burden and this worries me more as I miss the person who I used to be. I have a terrible appetite, chest pain and I feel a hotness in my head when I am stressed with tingling. My medication has made me feel sick but I am sticking with it a while longer. I have my dream job now, i'm getting married in 2016, my family are amazing and my friends so why do I not want to face the world. Is anyone else feeling similar to me? I am not overweight but I always have this feeling that something bad is going to happen to me or that my body will give up on me because I panic too much. Thank you for listening. 

1 like, 16 replies

16 Replies

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  • Tinkara
    Tinkara lor793

    Posted

    Hi Lor. I can relate to many things you said. Even when my life was great, I still felt so empty inside and like you, I would worry a lot. I've had several health issues (headaches, stomachaches, backaches) that came just from my anxieties and stress and many times I thought my body won't be able to handle all that.

    What I've realized is that most of my life I depended on other people and things to make me happy, but nothing was ever good enough for me. I think for the most part it's probably due to never really dealing with some issues from my childhood. I don't know if you have with yours, but if you haven't I would suggest you talk to someone about that. Also, the way that I've been coping with everything is trying to find something positive in all the pain I've been through and share my experience with others, hoping they would be helpful to them. I also find comfort in writing and by doing that, I discover a lot about myself and it helps me to deal with some of the things and I think slowly it's getting better. 

    I try to keep the positive attitude, as our thoughts are our own worst enemies. One negative thought leads to another and before you know it, your whole life seems like a disaster. The same goes for worrying. So many of what we worry doesn't come true anyway and that's something I try to tell myself over and over again. I also read as much positive as I can find. The more you surround yourself with positive, the stronger you get and the less chances for the negative thoughts to get to you.

    Wishing you all the best and keep hanging in there! xx

    • lor793
      lor793 Tinkara

      Posted

      we definately are our own enemy Tinkara that is so true and I am the worst person for thinking the worst and making something out of nothing. I always thought that when life was the way I wanted it all the worry would dissapear but now I know that my undealt past will follow me whereever I go. I have booked to see a councellor and this took a lot because I suffered a lot of physical and mental abuse as a child from my mother's ex boyfriend I don't want this and also the close deaths of my grandparents to destroy my life anymore. I worry all the time that I will panic myself and worry too much which makes me feel sick and dizzy but I have an amazing fiance and although it's a struggle I feel I will eventually get there but the bad days are really bad. 

      It's interesting you said about writing i've been thinking about keeping a diary i used to when I was little and I found that helpful plus everything seems less scary when you put it in writing. It's comforting when people relate to you and you don't feel alone. 

      Thank you for your kind words and I hope all works out for you 

      Lor xx

       

    • Tinkara
      Tinkara lor793

      Posted

      Thank you Lor! I know how it is making something out of nothing. It's amazing what my mind can create out of just one thought! But I try to nip it in the bud when possible, but no matter how hard I try, I still fail miserably. But I guess we're all work in progress, right? As long as we're trying, it's all good.

      I'm sorry for all the suffering you had to go through. No one, especially a child should ever have to experience that. I'm glad you have booked to see a counselor and I wish you the best of luck with that! 

      It's great that you have an amazing fiance and I'm sure that will help a lot, because all the support we can get counts. Especially if it comes from someone who loves you so much.

      I hope you start writing a diary again. I think it's good to keep track of both negative and positive. Positive so we can look back and feel hopeful, and negative to make us feel better when writing. At least that's how I feel about it. The best of luck! xx

    • lor793
      lor793 Tinkara

      Posted

      Hi Tinkara. yes I imagine the worst all of the time. I have good days but the bad days are very bad and my worst fear is that I will be so depressed I cannot work as getting up every day is a real struggle I look forward to the weekends where I can lock myself away.

      I had a terrible panic attack a few days ago and I was very emotional, my fiance had to call my dad and my grandma, it was hard but I am glad they know how I am feeling now my dad had bad depression and my grandad has bipolar so it is not uncommon in my family.

      I started my diary last night on my good day today is a bad day and I get so exhausted at work putting on a brave face that I have a little cry when I get home but emotions should not be bottled up.

      I am really finding it helpful to talk with everyone on here especially in my lunch breaks at work when the day is getting too much.

      Best of luck to you too xx

      Lor xx

  • roseyellow
    roseyellow lor793

    Posted

    It sounds like you have P.T.S.D. Some times it will show up later in life after some tramtic events. We need to retrain our brains. Get outdoors more often (sunshine is good) vit, B-12, B-6 and iron is also effective. Listen to music. Do not spend time thinking , get up and move. Do chores, walk the dog. Just healthy movement.

     

  • richard89308
    richard89308 lor793

    Posted

    lor, you are worried about things going wrong with your body because you lost both your grandparents within a short period of time.  If you can accept that we are all here for a while and then die maybe this will resolve your anxieties.

    Richard

    • lor793
      lor793 richard89308

      Posted

      Hi Richard

      I think you sum it up in one. I do believe in the afterlife but like everyone I guess I worry that I will be called too early and then I panic. My grandad collapssed suddenly and died when he was getting ready to be sent home and my nan was sent home and then passed away very quickly this was very hard for me and I hope that counselling will help me resolve this as well as the sexual abuse. Thank you for your support and my best wishes to you

      Lor xx

  • anne240
    anne240 lor793

    Posted

    You have a supportive fiance and that is a great comfort.  Depression can hit anyone, that is the problem.  You could have the best job, family etc and still get depression.  You are not a burden, but I know you feel like one, as I do too.  It was worse when I was in a very deep depression.  Not so bad now.  I have been battling for such a long time. 

    You have been through a lot, and I am so sorry about the loss of your grandparetns.  You are grieving too, and you have a lot to deal with at the moment. 

    Keep posting as you have support here.

    • lor793
      lor793 anne240

      Posted

      Hi Anne

      Thank you for your kind words. I am so lucky to have the fiance I have and I know that I am scaring him at the moment to be honest I am scaring myself as I have not had depression this bad before. I have a great job now normal hours, I used to work in a hotel constant 1am finishes so normal hours are a blessing to me I guess we have to take life day by day not look at the long term.

      I am sad to have lost nan and grandad but I know that they are together and my grandad is not hurting anymore my other grandad has had biploar and depression for a number of years and he sent me this great booklet with this quote in I thought I would share it

      "don't look for life at the end of the tunnel, go and turn the blumming thing on yourself"

      I believe Stephen Fry said that and it made me giggle atleast we are not alone in the fight.

    • lor793
      lor793

      Posted

      light* dear me I can't spell now xx
    • anne240
      anne240 roseyellow

      Posted

      Such a wonderful feeling to have friends who understand and care.  What a helpful and supportive site this is.

      Thank you.

    • anne240
      anne240 lor793

      Posted

      Hi lor.  What a lovely and caring person you are.  I know my two oldest grandchildren love me lots, and I love them so much.  Do not see them as they have busy lives, but they do not live far from me.  I likje your grandad's quote.  so true.  I have battled against mental illness for years.  I keep going though.

      Love to you and your grandad.  Take care.

    • lor793
      lor793 anne240

      Posted

      Hi Anne 

      You sound like you have a very strong support network. I often worry that I am shutting off. I have a bath every day when I get home and lock myself in. Last night my fiance knocked on the door and spoke to me and for minutes I was unable to communicate back is this normal? I feel very unsafe outside of my home and worry far too much although I am back to see the doctor tonight and hopefully my fluoxetine will kick in soon. 

      Kind Regards

      Lor xx

    • anne240
      anne240 lor793

      Posted

      Your reactions are normal.  When I was very depressed I remember saying "I was a nice person before I got depressed".  I did not like myself, although I truly am a good person.  I would unplug the phone and not let anyone near me.  But when I began to feel better, I gradually let people in, and found them very supportive.

      Depression is a lonely illness at times.  Now I am the other way, I cannot bear to be alone.  Get anxious if I know I cannot go out.  Just get a bus, or go for a walk,just to get out.  We do get withdrawn, so yes, don't worry, it is normal. 

      What did the doctor say?  I hope he/she was helpful. 

      Take care xx

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