I don't want to feel like this anymore

Posted , 33 users are following.

Hi I stumbled onto this site by accident and I am so glad I did. Although I am so sorry and sadend to see that so many people feel like this and wish with all my heart that they get better soon as I know how terrible this is, I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone (I really don't mean that in a bad way). I have been feeling like I am going crazy and everyone around me is sane. I have had depression for four years on and off and am on my third day of being back on anti depressants again. I just feel like this is a never ending story and will I ever get better and feel good and be really happy again or will I just have to grin and bare it and keep up the pretense and the mask I grudginly put up in public. I can't take this anymore. I get over the depression, get myself and my life back on track and then out of nowhere it returns and pulls me down into the blackness and I wish with all my heart I could take it away. Like if your not well and you need an operation, they take the bit thats bad for you away, how much easier would it be if you could do that for depression.

I am tired so so tired of this constant battle to live with this. I just wanna feel like me again, I used to be so happy and bubbly (to the outside world I still am) but its all an act and I am so tired of the pretense. I don't wanna fight with myself or my feelings anymore. I don't wanna dread goin to bed because I know I won't be able to sleep so I stay up till 7am until I'm shattered and then go to bed only to find that the only thing that is tired is my body and my mind is still wide awake! I don't wanna dread waking up in the morning to face another day of this hell. I sometimes wish that I could take my brain out for a day (if that makes any sense) just so I can get some piece. I don't wanna be scared anymore, scared of my feeling like this, scared of being in groups of friends, scared of leaving my house alone (which bizarly doesn't bother me if I am with someone, but its really not that helpful as I live alone), scared of people finding out that I wear this mask, scared of people thinking that I have completely lost the plot, scared of looking stupid, scared of being laughed at, scared of being talked about, scared of being hurt, scared of living.

I have had depression on and off many times in the four years I have had it and have lost count in the amount of times I have been on anti depressants, but why oh why does it get harder to deal with ever time it hits you, or is it just me, am I so weak that I can't fight this and everyone else can? I over think things, over explain myself, over react and really really feel like I am going mad!! My brain has never been so overactive (if I was like this in school I would have been a genius by now). I can't take it and I am soooo sick of the whole situation. I am constantly dreading something happening (what I have no idea), I used to be a really happy optamistic person and now if something good happens I am like, yeah wonder how long it will take till that turns to crap...oh look it just did. I can't help it I even hate the way this sounds as I am typing it I just wanna scream at myself get over it!!! But it won't go away :cry: Does anyone really and truely get over this or is it something that just hangs over you for the rest of your life, because I can't take this. I just want to feel normal again and happy. I don't want to feel like I am alone and some kind of freak because no one around me understands, I don't want to feel parranoid anymore or filled with dread. This is the worst thing I have ever experinced and I wish I could rip it out of me and stamp on it because I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of the fight :cry: [quote:d47714d9a0][/quote:d47714d9a0]

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  • Posted

    Eh Hopeless, I hope you dont mind me asking you this....but did you post yourself as \"Crazygirl\" later???? Just you wwrite and sound very similar.

    I have no idea what to say , except, I am going to bed now...feeling rubbish to. the best thing you can do..(ithink , when things turn to crap...think...I wonder how long it will be before everything seems wonderful agian.) its the only way to see a fitter, happier healthier you. Oh, I am no expert I dont know, I am just trying to help.

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    • Posted

      hi I don't know what to say but my life is not going anywhere. I used to be person who believed herself and was so energetic but now I am totally changed. I don't like to go out .don't like to take shower don't like to comb myhair .just dont want to so maything .i just wan tto sleep sleep and sleep .eating and sleeping.but I am so tired of this .I don't like to see anyone. I just wan to lock myself in a room .but this is not me .I don't want to live like this .this all started when I put on weight and my body shaped went obese .m not obese but when I put on 10kg after that I saw changes in my body now I don't do shopping coz I think my body is not beautiful anymore. but I don't feel like that energy of transforming my body to lean coz I don't want to fight for it .I feel so tired and sleepy all the time .I don't love myself anymore. people suggested me to go out see my friends .do. some outside activities but all in vain .I started doing it but after 1 week I again feel so alone and then stop doing it. I don't wan to live this kind of life anymore .I am completely different from what I used to be u gears ago.

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  • Posted

    Hi there Hopeless

    You are so right; You aren't alone with this dreadful and evil demon depression.

    I have suffered bouts of depression for all my teen and adult life - I'm 45 now.

    I think we learn strategies to help us cope 75% of the time but there are always those times when it just hits us so hard it can take what seems a life time to recovery.

    In one of my most severe states of depression I had become so convinced (brainwashed myself ) into believing I was a mouse and God was the cat. He would allow me so much freedom - just enough to start to feel better then he would take his huge hand and drag me right back where he would play and tease me until I cracked again.

    What you need to remember is that depression is an illness, and like all illness we have to allow our body time to rest and recover. Also, like other illness, the same tablet doesn't always cure everyone. If they did there would only be one type of painkiller, one type of anti bitioic etc.

    The problem (if it is a problem) with anti depressant tablets is they can't cure the depression alone. They are supposed to help us while we find other ways of recovering. Which brings me on to therapy. Have you ever been offered any type of therapy? Over the years of my depression I have received many different therapies including assertive classes, councelling, relaxation classes and recently I attended congnitive behaviour therapy.

    Also over the years I have learnt to recognise when depression is going to strike! More often than not I can then nip the demon in the bud before it takes me over fully. I tell myself, 'here we go the demon is back wanting more from me, it's just a feeling, I can fight this'. I have then kept myself really busy, made sure I kept a good social life, avoided things that might have upset me and laid off the alcohol as this is one thing I have learnt - a harsh lesson to me after being sectioned due to using alcohol as my coping mehanicism - I eventually took quite a large overdose of my anti depressants - something I would never dream of doing when not under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol alone is the demon's best buddy - they work together to weaken us even more.

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and cure you - but I can't :cry:

    Do go for some long brisk walks, they really do help.

    Ask your GP what kind of therapy is available in your area and ask to be referred.

    Do talk to your friends and family about your illnes, you would be quite surprised just how many people suffer from depression.

    Set yourself small tasks daily - to begin with - set ones you know you can and will achieve and then recognise that you have achieved that task and be proud of yourself for doing so. As time goes onset yourself lightly more difficult tasks.

    Take one day at a time - on really bad days take one hour at a time.

    Be kind to yourself - you are ill and you need to rest and try and eat a healthy balanced diet. If you can't face regular meals then try smaller more regular times.

    Try to avoid alcohol or any situation you know will add stress in your life. You can face these areas as you start to feel better a little at a time.

    Below are 2 links. The first link is a brilliant site about discovery your inner self with lots of interactive things to do that will help with your depression. The 2nd link is to a forum on here. The posters like you suffer from this terrible demon and are taking the anti depressant citalopram. Read the posts there and hopefully you will get some strength from what they say.

    http://www.myinnerworld.com/

    http://experience.patient.co.uk/discussion_list.php?d=99

    Keep posting here, it helped me immensely during one of my bouts of anxiety and depression. Just being able to share your inner feelings and thoughts with others who suffer the same does help.

    Take care and stay strong - you will beat this illness.

    Love

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    HI there Hopeless,

    I wake up in pain I go to the shop in pain, I goto bed in pain....... day in day out there is no getting away from the situation I am in :oops: I have felt negative thoughts many times as I am sick and tired of having this penetrating nerve pain I get from my Fibromyalgia........... So called medical professionals didn't listen to me at the beginning and I felt I was banging my head against the wall until finally a year later I saw the consultant that said my pain wasn't \"all in my head\" and he made me feel like I was a person not a statistic just him listening that day changed my outlook!!!!!! I am still in pain however but I except it somehow even though the pain is intense and to this I set up a support group for fellow sufferers and now we can discuss our nightmare knowing we are not alone!!!!!! and as we are on Patient we are one united family if you will? learning about each other and different experiences, PUK helped me back in those times when no-one listened as the more I gained more knowledge I fought for my right and I got my diagnosis...... I am stronger now knowing I am not alone :cheerup: :hug:

    Take care xx

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    • Posted

      I know you typed this years ago but I'm going through basically the exact thing and I'm in so much pain mentally and physically I feel like I'm drowning and sometimes I just lash out becuase of it. I'm still in high school and becuase of this no one really takes me seriously even tho I've been diagnosed. I'm just lost, can you help?

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    • Posted

      Hi, I just want to say that I know how you feel.. I feel the same. I'm a 51 year old woman so past my teen years. But I do understand. I also came here looking for help and hated to see these posts were from so long ago. But I feel as all of them do. I have have not been diagnosed or been to counseling. I'm completely on my own trying to battle this. Life is so very hard. I'm not sure there is anyone still on here as it was 9 years ago.

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    • Posted

      Back when I was younger I faced the same thing. people thought oh you are a teenager you will snap out of it. Unfortunately I never have fully "snapped out of it". I work very hard at trying to make myself happy and not have depression, but I still have bouts of it. Especially if I had a night of drinking. I can usually tell when I am about to hit pretty hard and try and get into counseling. Currently getting ready to switch medical insurance program so hoping to get some help soon because I have started hitting a depression wall again recently and been having the feeling of emptiness and emotionless. I have been in counseling once every year or so pretty much since I was 10 years old. it does help because I am against taking anti-depressants. They do not fix the problem. It helps to talk out the problems, but over the last 13 years I have found it hard to find a counselor I could really connect with. I lived in WA for that time in the military and people there are just clicks and not very open and hard to confide in. Now I am back in AZ and looking to connect with a great counselor.

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  • Posted

    Hi everyone,

    I just really wanted to say thank you for reading and replying to my post and sharing your feelings and storys. It made a differnce and now I don't feel so alone and don't feel like a crazy person living in a sane persons world anymore. I just really wanted to say thank you for your help and support and advice. I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and openess, it means alot. I hope eveyone is doing well and wish I could take eveyones pain and misery of this away! If I could I most definatley would. Anyway I am feeling a bit more up beat today for whatever reason and I just wanted to try and spread that smile

    Take care everyone (and don't judge me if I am a wreck again tomorrow :oops: ), big hugs x

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  • Posted

    Hi again Not-So-Hopeless

    Nobody here will ever judge you - please don't even think of adding that thought to your troubles.

    Of course you are going to get crap days but hopefully in time you will start to experience more of the good days and less of the crap ones.

    You are certainly not alone with this evil and very painful illness - in fact I bet there are more people who suffer from it and never admit to it.

    We are the 'normal' ones. We are the ones who have admitted to ourselves we are ill and need help - in turn we will be the ones who recovery either fully or with the help of drugs and lead reasonable lives while those who hide their illness away will struggle on for ever.

    It really frustrates me how depression still has this huge sign hanging over it so people can try and avoid that person or think we aren't normal.

    Of course we are normal - if we weren't normal we wouldn't feel the feelings we feel.

    There! I just did some rambling too :roll:

    You just take it easy and be kind to yourself - enjoy the good days and sod the crap days.

    Love 'n' Hugs

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Melbi,

    I just wanted to say thank you firstly for reading my ramblings as I never thought anyone would as I tend to go off on one sometimes with my thoughts and its difficult for me to keep track of what I was talking bout, never mind for the people who might read it. I am so glad that I found this site as it makes you feel like you can get your thoughts or worrys out and you don't feel alone anymore and that people actually do understand where u are coming from. I have my councillor (either tomorrow or the nxt day, need to check) and I had stopped going for a few weeks there because I felt that I couldn't face it and didn't want to talk bout how I feel cause it usually makes me feel a whole lot worse and before I know it I feel like a freak again (if that makes sense). But just being on this site and having very kind people like yourself readin, answering and giving me advise and reading other peoples concerns on here has made a difference. I know now that when I go to my councillor again (and I will go this time and not chicken out this time) and start to talk bout things (I don't really know how to explain this but I will try) I think I will find it a bit easier than I did before cause before I felt so alone and thought there must be something wrong with me cause no one else seems to have these thoughts or feel like this (I know its this illness that does it but it makes you feel alone and like you are going crazy and any day now the men in white coats will be sure to knock your door and take you away, this makin any sense?). Think I went a bit off course wif that but what I was trying to say is that I think I will find it easier because thanks to this site and you lovely people on it, I don't feel alone. And when I am telling my councillor stuff now I don't think I will hold bak stuff just at the thought of it sounding stupid or crazy, because now I know that other people feel this way too and I won't be embarrased to admit things because I have seen first hand that there is no shame in it as it is an illness and you can't help how you feel when you are like this.

    Hopefully this made sense lol cause a have trouble doin that sometimes smile Anyway won't take up anymore space on here cause am sure this reply must be huge by now. Oh yeah almost forgot to say thank you for addin they links to the bottom of your reply the last time, I have joined the my inner world thing (and must say I enjoy throwing my thoughts onto the wee fire thing and how cure is the wee plant your seeds garden thing smile ) I am enjoying it and it has been a help to me so thank you very much!

    Anyway take care and big hugs to everyone

    bye bye x

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  • Posted

    Hi there xx Not-So-Hopeless xx

    I am so glad this forum has helped and I would like to say you have made the step chatting on here and explaining your thoughts, letting all your emotions free helps you as I let all mine out and cried in my time I was feeling low to my partner and I feel that maybe if you wrote notes down this may help you in your next appointment as I have had appointments and then I have realized that I missed some points and wished I had written them down so all my questions I thought previously were not answered and so instead I was mulling the thoughts over and thinking oh I wish I had of asks this or asked that!!!!! :oops: We all have different kinds of pain whether physical or in our thoughts, and once we have support it makes us feel better somehow!!! PUK helped me in my early days before my diagnosis as I thought my problems were all in my head :roll: but when the Consultant said \"I know the pain isn't in your head\" I was relieved and so you will be \"Not-So-Hopeless \" You will get there, as I got the recognition eventually xxxxxxxx hold your head up high and praise your achievements xxxx

    Big hugs and I hope your appointment helps you get answers xxxx :cheerup: :hug:

    Take care xxxxxxx

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  • Posted

    Morning Not So Hopeless & Sara

    Reading both your posts just hen made me smile - well okay - laugh.

    When I went to CBT the poor guy had an hour slot - that was my time - yet each week it would always go well beyond that simply because I could never remain on one topic. He would ask me a question and before long I would have started to answer him but in the longest possibly way as my rambles would always jump in.

    Not So Hopeless, It is great to hear such positive posts from you, but please don't become too upset should you find you start to have some crap days again. These days are just a short time out of our lives - cope with them the best you can and hey! Come and rant & ramble as much as you need to - on good and bad days.

    Stay strong

    love

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    hey , Hopeless, i am sorry for the banter before, but whoops , she hit a nerve.

    its like I said, youget excited when you meet someone that thinks understands, and then bashed about when you realise they dont. feeling gutted now.

    Hope you are doing weel, iwas pleased to speak to you, and hope you willl not take her judgement on board. regardless, i am normally a okay person to talk to . I mean No one harm and I am sure melbi will help me out here, even tough I was of the beaton track last week. melbi, Please help me here, I dont like how Ive been bad mouthed.

    Hopeless, really, I am not a bad person, and I certainly have not been in it for a laugh, ask anyone before who has spoken to me....I have a kind nature and do not take well to this kind of critiscm, 9not that I can spell it)..oh well never,ifd. Alll the best, Katy

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  • Posted

    Katy

    Ignore those that are out to drag you down.

    I am going to come over to your house and drag you ro the docs unless I see the kind, supportive, funny Katy back very, very soon.

    Geddit? LOL

    If you see anymore personal attacks either on you or anyone else click the alert button.

    love 'n' hugs

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Thank you Melbi, I htought I was trippling in my madness!!!

    Why ???

    Did you see what she said? Believe me it hurt like****?

    I was only tryng to help! Hopeless sounds just like me, nut now, she will be too insecureee to talk to me.

    About the job front - well lets have a laugh - I mean if you saw what has been written - so funny!!! But hey , its okay, bought the shop!! They can sack me now :lol: Ive decided that they have decided that Iam not good enough,,,,,if I fail, then i am worth better, If I pass, then its my decision whether I want to stay with a company, that questionable about handling good staff (ha ha) Dont you think?

    My big sis has just bought a car, yet not passed her test.......wait for the license no\" (oh, its gilairous, illtell you it later). Melbi, thank you for your support, I thought, it me, I thought I was going mad, ithought Id really hurt people, Why my defenses went ludicrously wrong last week. Shess been at me before. hugs to you and your family.Katy

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