I don't want to feel like this anymore
Posted , 34 users are following.
Hi I stumbled onto this site by accident and I am so glad I did. Although I am so sorry and sadend to see that so many people feel like this and wish with all my heart that they get better soon as I know how terrible this is, I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone (I really don't mean that in a bad way). I have been feeling like I am going crazy and everyone around me is sane. I have had depression for four years on and off and am on my third day of being back on anti depressants again. I just feel like this is a never ending story and will I ever get better and feel good and be really happy again or will I just have to grin and bare it and keep up the pretense and the mask I grudginly put up in public. I can't take this anymore. I get over the depression, get myself and my life back on track and then out of nowhere it returns and pulls me down into the blackness and I wish with all my heart I could take it away. Like if your not well and you need an operation, they take the bit thats bad for you away, how much easier would it be if you could do that for depression.
I am tired so so tired of this constant battle to live with this. I just wanna feel like me again, I used to be so happy and bubbly (to the outside world I still am) but its all an act and I am so tired of the pretense. I don't wanna fight with myself or my feelings anymore. I don't wanna dread goin to bed because I know I won't be able to sleep so I stay up till 7am until I'm shattered and then go to bed only to find that the only thing that is tired is my body and my mind is still wide awake! I don't wanna dread waking up in the morning to face another day of this hell. I sometimes wish that I could take my brain out for a day (if that makes any sense) just so I can get some piece. I don't wanna be scared anymore, scared of my feeling like this, scared of being in groups of friends, scared of leaving my house alone (which bizarly doesn't bother me if I am with someone, but its really not that helpful as I live alone), scared of people finding out that I wear this mask, scared of people thinking that I have completely lost the plot, scared of looking stupid, scared of being laughed at, scared of being talked about, scared of being hurt, scared of living.
I have had depression on and off many times in the four years I have had it and have lost count in the amount of times I have been on anti depressants, but why oh why does it get harder to deal with ever time it hits you, or is it just me, am I so weak that I can't fight this and everyone else can? I over think things, over explain myself, over react and really really feel like I am going mad!! My brain has never been so overactive (if I was like this in school I would have been a genius by now). I can't take it and I am soooo sick of the whole situation. I am constantly dreading something happening (what I have no idea), I used to be a really happy optamistic person and now if something good happens I am like, yeah wonder how long it will take till that turns to crap...oh look it just did. I can't help it I even hate the way this sounds as I am typing it I just wanna scream at myself get over it!!! But it won't go away :cry: Does anyone really and truely get over this or is it something that just hangs over you for the rest of your life, because I can't take this. I just want to feel normal again and happy. I don't want to feel like I am alone and some kind of freak because no one around me understands, I don't want to feel parranoid anymore or filled with dread. This is the worst thing I have ever experinced and I wish I could rip it out of me and stamp on it because I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of the fight :cry: [quote:d47714d9a0][/quote:d47714d9a0]
6 likes, 101 replies
Guest
Posted
Hey, had a good sleep last night, and now I want loads more, but cant as I need to tidy up my messy house and stuud to see my sister and mum/
Wait for it Melbi!!!! Oh god,,,,only she would.......that registration number, cracks me up :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: it is......Oh I better not....that could be dangerous to tellit to Google, sorry I may Pm you with it, Thank you for cheering me up, and Melbi, going to stay of this forum for a while, until I have sorted my head out a bit better. Hope to speak to you in the near future, Katy
Guest
Posted
I agree with your suggestion to stay off here for a while - instead try and spend some time with your beautiful daughters. If that isn't possible try having some me time :D
love 'n' hugs and enjoy your break from PUKE - I think it will do you some good!
I'm not stopping there though lol - get yourself off to the doctors snd open up to him/her..................it makes sense and Katy - you too know this is the next step - so get an appoint asap - unless you want me at your front door dragging you there myelf.
Dispose of the negativity and concentrate on positive things.
In fact, the next time I see you on here I WANT to see lots of positive posts from you.
Tomorrow I don't wnt to read your repeats - I can switch the tv on to watch repeats. :shock:
Pull your socks up and help yourself with the help of a professional person.
Unfortunately PUKE cannot help you no further - the time has finally come for you to take the demon by his horns and start fighting him.
good luck
love melbi xxx
Guest
Posted
Melbi, have I gone mad???? Do you think I should just show some of my messages to the doctor??? Or would that be a completely crazy, of the map thing to do???? Think I am becoming my mother!!!!! yes, just remebered my mum taking photo of her rear end to her GP :lol: (she refused to believe that she had what she has, thought it piles and snaaped a shot of her bottom. :lol: :lol: :lol: :oops: )
Must get of this thing now.......would you??????
Guest
Posted
Yes hun, if you think it will help you to explain things to your gp then print some of your messages off.
You could even give him a link to where you mainly post and let him know your user name so he can see all sides of you. Thankfully you aren't a hexagon lol! :shock:
Now got off here and go and enjoy the summer and your children and your life.
Talk soon
Melbi xxx
Guest
Posted
Okay off now, going on my bike....even exercise does not seem to help. Hmmmmpf!!!!
Melbi, take care.
How long off puke.......6-12 months?????? :lol:
Guest
Posted
Anyway :lol: Did not know that the Roayal ed did not treat children under the age of 13. So from one a and e to the next, (sick kids). My litle girl fell off a swing and broke her thumb (Ouch!!!). I could tell it was not good, when the doctor offered her more pain killers, i am thinking gulp! Sugar!!! Poor sole all clamy but very brave now has a stucke on and a sling.......what a day!!!!!
Shaking now. Dont know why, but calming. Signing off now Melbi (sorry!) Just had to.
Hopeless
Posted
I'm sorry I haven't messaged in a while :oops:
Hope your doing ok. Just wanted to say sorry chic.
Take care, hope u feeling better soon, big hugs x
Guest
Posted
I am very sad to know that one more is suffering from depression as i know it is really really bad feeling as i am also suffering from depression . After going through 3 yrs depression i am improving now . I know it is very bad feeling that no body can't describes in words.I am still unable to see & hear properly, but i am fighting against my illness and i will fight untill my last breath. I was treated for depression but was of no use .Then i changed my doctor he gave me another medication and after i start improving drmatically. I am telling you depression is 100% curable as i am 60% improved now. The only need is your efforts and think positively.There are many ways to improve your mental health ,i know its not that easy but \"where is will there is way\" stop thinking that you are going to live with this illness forever , you will be well soon . Jst go to your docter take medicines properly at time .Depression is nothing it is jst some chemical changes in your brain and you can balance them by medication ,the need is right diagnose .And i have simple formula to cure depression as i am also improving with this formula i.e
right medication + meditation +yoga = cured depression
1)Take medicines.
2)Do 30 mins brain improving yoga .
(you can see on internet these are alom-vilom ,kpalbhati, brambhri and deep breathing)
3)do simple meditation for relaxing your mind .
(25 mins are sufficent)
get well soon
radha
Guest
Posted
How are you Hopeless???
girl
Posted
thort i would try and be positive after a weekend away - felt great then have come back to reality.
Katy - i showed my gp some of my postings last wk. was really scared but wasn't that bad, in fact felt better having shown him, much better than trying to speak how i feel.
have had a really chilled out wkend but worried that it isn't going to last and that the good progress i made at the end of last wk is going to be ruined by me being stupid.
hang on in there katy, believe me you will feel better once you have shown your gp what you post and how you feel.
keep in touch
girl
SES
Posted
Bless you Girl, and well done as that would have been very hard for you to do that showing the doc how you have felt xx :cheerup: Before I got my diagnosis I felt I was banging my head against the wall seeing 7 so called professional all in in all and three believed me, but the 4 that didn't listen, made me feel like I was going mad and imagining my pain, writing things down is a good way of expressing thoughts as when I was going through a bad patch I felt I did not have the confidence due to the patronizing members of doctors that were not interested in my agony but in the end a year later I was listened too............ If your Doc isn't listening to you do not stand for it see someone that will, as I changed my GP to someone else and I refused to see the Pain Registrar as he just looked at me as though I was stupid, I refused to see him again!!!!!
Big hugs to everyone x :smooch:
Guest
Posted
I went to the doctor todya, spoke about my extreme dizzy spells, and my reallly waful bad stools.
She thought I was bleeding out, so referred me.
I get to the hosptial, after packing my children off to my mums, I was scared of what they might find.
Anyway, they take bloods, do ther BP test, do a heart exray, followed by a ECG. Prior to this, , idid say to the doctor \"No I am fine, can I go home now\". Yuck, she even did a finger swab, bluh!
Anyway, so I get left , waiting on results, and they all come back fine. i am thinking, god, hun if you were me, you would have admitted yourself a long time ago. thankfully, everything is normal, but i still have a throbbing pain underneath my ribs and it occasionaaly spreads right down to my hip bone. What is this? I also have not had a solid stool in over a year, and what does come out is really very dark. (Nibd youm, compared to some of the people I saw, I am in pretty good nick. but nothing is explaining my extreme dizzy spells or my very dark stools,) back at home and feeling guilty for waisting the medics time.
I cried many a time , staring into space, and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.Nurse took a urine sample and asked if my periods were due, I respond with a big fat no . And she grimaces at me - what was that about?. Now extremely dizzy, and have a raw bottom. So did not discuss my mental health issues at all, and feeling wrapped in guilt that I have waisted NHS resources.
Is it possible to be bleeding out and then your body goes into overdrive to compensate?
Doubt it, quite embarassed and shattered by this experience, but thankfully I am okay...well , maybe thats quite not so thanful..
Still holding pain and feeling really insecure about it al, Does no one believe me? Am I just mad?
Guest
Posted
That's good news that they found nothing wrong. Perhaps now is the time to quit with the laxatives before you really do do yourself some serious harm.
The dizziness could be caused by your to and fro-ing from one anti depressant to another these last couple of weeks. Or due to the over use of laxatives you could be (more than likely) dehydrated.
Did you mention your laxative abuse at the doctors or hospital?
love 'n' hugs
Melbi xxx
girl
Posted
Glad you ok Tiny Tears
I know I was often very dizzy when i was taking lax and diruetics loads (dehydration and mineral imbalances probably). can't remember what my stools were like but i suppose also has to do with what you are consuming - loads of coffee for example? Have recently started using them again - not half as bad as i used to be but scary as i don't think i would be able to do my job if i was like that again.
On the positive side I have managed to be in the studio working this morning for the first time since March :D Must just keep it going now. Showing some of my posts to my gp was hard but one of the best things i have done recently - once he had read them he said he will write to psychiatrist recommending, in his medical opinion, i get some psychotherapy, not just cbt. Was really worried that he would think me total looney and put me away but that didn't happen. feel much calmer now so going to enjoy it while it lasts. 8)
Guest
Posted
But really not good now, so embarassed about it all, and feeling ashamed for having blocked a bed, and my mum giving me a row and telling me I should take her Cemetidine. And me wishing she would just STOP with controlling me and damn well listen. I know that sounds truly ungrateful, but the finger pointing is at me , even from my own mum, even after me telling her so much. I cant trust anyone, and I keep gettin butterflies, in my stomach, (caused by my thinking along with the lump in my throat, and thinking DONT, DONT )followed by tummy cramps,and also feel like someone is trying to drill a hole in my rib cage. Otherwise, :lol: I am fine. I will sto pthere...you can guess the rest (on and on and on ).
Girl, on a bad day, I take excess amounts, and its not even thant I think about my weight or evn care about being thin......I cant explain it, well my guess it is me depression. But dont think I can explain this yto anyone,Just tried. :cry: :oops: :cry: )_ :oops: