I don't want to feel like this anymore

Sorry girl, glad to hear you are feeling much calmer. Maybe I have to be honest now, get it out in the open....oh , I sooo cant!!!!

Hi Tiny tears,Girl xx

It sound like you are in a situation that you cannot seem to reach out? My friend had anorexia nervosa and took laxatives to help with loosing so called weight that she did not require? If you are not getting your daily balance of nutrients this can make you depressive.

There are two types of anorexia nervosa:

* Restricting type -- The person restricts their food intake on their own and does not engage in binge-eating or purging behavior.

* Binge eating/purging type -- The person self-induces vomiting or misuses laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.

Although anorexia seldom emerges before puberty, associated mental conditions, such as depression and obsessive-compulsive behavior, are usually more severe when it does. The onset of anorexia is often preceded by a traumatic or stressful event and it is usually accompanied by other emotional difficulties.

Psychological Signs

* Distorted perception of self (that is, a great difference between how an individual believes they look and their actual physical appearance)

* Inability to remember things

* Poor judgment

* Refusal to acknowledge the gravity of the illness

* Obsessive-compulsive behavior (excessive need to control personal environment)

* Depression (feelings of ineffectiveness, loss of interest in friends and former activities, lack of spontaneity, rigid thinking, lack of initiative, flattened emotional response, irritability, insomnia, and diminished interest in sex)

Risk Factors:-

* Age and gender -- anorexia is most common in teens and young adult women.

* Early onset of puberty

* Living in an industrialized country

* Depression -- although depression is associated with the development of anorexia, it does not cause the disorder. Depression in a family member also appears to increase the likelihood of developing an eating disorder.

* Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or other anxiety disorders -- OCD is present in up to two-thirds of people with anorexia. OCD associated with an eating disorder is often accompanied by a compulsive ritual around food (such as cutting it into tiny pieces). Phobia, another type of anxiety disorder that may also be present in someone with an eating disorder, and OCD tend to emerge before the eating disorder, while panic attacks may develop after the diagnosis is made.

Avoidant or narcissistic personality disorders -- approximately one-third of those with the restricting type of anorexia have avoidant personalities, which is characterized by feelings of inadequacy, social inhibition, extreme sensitivity to negative comments or criticism, and avoidance of interpersonal relationships, both at work and on an intimate level. Borderline personality disorder (exceptionally unstable interpersonal relationships, extremely poor self-image, and excessively impulsive behaviors) may be a risk factor as well, but such individuals are more likely to develop bulimia.

I just thought if this has any relation to yourself, it may not but you could tell your GP if you feel that this maybe the problem? I do hope though this is not the case as it is a hard illness to admit to? Do not take no for answers Katy or Girl as I changed my doctor and I finally got the acknowledgment I needed and so I was no longer banging my head against the wall. Well done Girl for showing your GP your post's xxxx.

Take care

:cheerup:

Hi, SES, I do not know, but do know I had massive probs as a teen.

Not feeling so well tonight, and I do not believe my symptoms psychosomatic, regardless of what has been said.

I took my own sample, of a very blsck green little thing, and thinking I should just sshow them this. (I think my body fights to survive clincal interference),or maybe I am , JUST MAD!! Who knows?

My point being, Ive not been myself for a very long time, and I do not know what going on with me now.

[b:05a76a5ef3]Anote to girl and Melbi, you have both given me the strength to be brave and tell, (I still dont know if Ican), Half of me wants me jsut dead, the other half fighting for pure highs. maybe I dont make any sense. Must go to bed, regardless of the facts Ive slept for , erm whoops 3 and a half hour. Night night folks. Time is flicking by.[/b:05a76a5ef3]

Hi Tiny Tears,

I used to take totally too many lax/diruretics a day, even though I hardly ate anything. I think originally i just lost my appatite cause of depression then realised that by controlling my food i actually could influence how i felt and soon it became the only thing that made me happy. Unfortunatly it has never really gone - never acknowledged so no help ever given. I stopped taking lax about 12years ago but can still easily freak out about food. the last few years it has come back with far more force and i have gone through phases of hardly eating a thing (no more than 500cals a day) and have started taking lax again - not often as trying not to, don't get swallowed up in that cycle again.

The good thing about showing gp etc posts is that you don't have to talk at all. They are quite used to being given things to read from patients and will not think you are weird for giving them stuff to read. I know it is scary but you may find it helps them to give you the help you need and you could feel better as it is finally off your chest.

Take it easy, pm me if you need/want to

Cheers for now

Girl

Hi Girl, its so nice to speak to someone who feels similar to me.

But I feel like ****, Just got back from work to make a phone call to my mobile phone company , who have charged me over the odds on SMS text messages, and Grrrrr!!! Theres nothing I xcan do. Bill has been handed over to spme debt collectot. So just gave them my sob stpry down the phone , and they have rearranged the payment plan...(Whoops!). Now my side is cramping and I am totally exhausted!!!

I have taken laxatives for over 3years (on and off) now. I cant remeber how it started and it certainly was not intentional (to become addicted). I remebr feeling really heavy and thinking that I lookesd as if I was 6 months preggers before my period was du. I would find myself re\\ally crabbie and paniky about it, I would even have the mad thought of wanting to rip my skin off. Then I would get mt period and be pretty emotional for about 2 weeks after. I have rarely managed to ever eat 3 meals a day. I prefer nibbles, usually manage something at somepooint though.

Lately though its a sandwhich and the rest of my calorie intake comes from my wine (Oh er and my laxative abuse). I cant remeber the last time I actually wanted to go to a friens house and talk. I cant herlp but feeling (I am not doing very well, they think..this and that about me...) Even though in my head, I think thats not very good thinking that of your friends)...Its me! I cant invite people to my flat as I am so ashamed of how it is, and how we live.

My partner thinks its normal to sleep in seperate rooms, to never do the dishes, never hoover m, never clean up after the children......he makes me feel like such a outcast. It just hurts so much that I gave him the best from me, and he has basically chewed me up and spat me out, only to be polite and pleasant with my sister, who also seems to be a bit ano (in my eyes)/

To top this off , I ve never had a well balanced stable image of mysellf. When I was 14 I chopped my pony tail off :oops: :lol: as I was so upset with how I looked. so alone and desperate and just felt like a freak. I used to hide in my bedroom and hope I would just be left alone. Most the time I was.

Anyway, I fdont know if I can tell my GP, or a doctor about where to come on here, its so embarassingly bad. I feel worse about it after the events of this week :cry: :oops:

Girl you are giving me the reassurance to maybe speak with them, but I am not ready yet. Though I do want to say to you THANK YOU for reassuring me, even though I feel wreckless.

Take care of you, Katy

Hi Katy

I must admit most of my calorie intake on some days comes from a 'few' beers don't the pub. I was meant to be in the studios today, making work for exhibitions but have spent most of the day on the internet, and being stressed. Did take lax today - more because i think i ate too much yesterday. feel crap about it now (sorry - bad joke) know i can't get caugt up in the cycle again, i really can't!!!!!!

I often had/have the thought of using something to shave chunks of flesh off my body so understand the ripping skin off thoughts you had.

I must of had a well balanced image of myself once but it must have been years ago - i just want to be able to get my life on track. I am SO sensitive to little comments that other people just laugh off. don't know what to do.

Hang on in there, i know it is hard but at least posting here is an outlet.

cheers for now

girl

Hi girl, I know what you mean about that cycle (as you put it). Its a living nightmare. I always get cramps after I eat food....and have to go to the tioilet....this seems to encourage my nerves...and so on....

I find it embarassing using the toilet at work in case it smells so bad, so i oftwn run to the public toilets. I can see my boss has a few issues with me doing this. I am finding it hard to get to work ,and once I have walked ther I am a clamy sweaty mess, anxiously tring to make it to the toilet. Often I have gone really dizzy afterwards and have sat and howled buckets, as I dont want to be doing this to myself. Last week I never took any for 5 days, thought I had manage to stop the cyle, but then I look and my tummy is getting huge again , and I am looking or more just detesting the way I look and feel.

Its also true. What you said about the fact its the thing that makes you happy.....snap, me too. Its like my mood changes to being happy after I have had a toilet episode. Cant believe I am trying to put it into words. I am just not very good at explaining how I FEEL, at the best of times.

I have been out today to sort finances, and found myself scrapping along the walls, feeling so dizzy. So came home and going to eat something. This is the thing though, I dont ever remeber being dizzy before, not like this.

Must go....Take care girl , and hope you manage to get somework done for your exhibition.

Katy x

Sorry me again ( I do not mean to exclude others, melbi, Hopeless, and SES).

Cant quite get my head round this. I keep having to sleep at inapropriate times, and so tired, wake up looking pale...and very tired. yet no ttests state that I am in any way anaemic, or bleeding out ( as it was suggested) so whats wrong with me? I feel ill, my tummy is sore, Ive been laying of the booze recently and I am very dizzy. Is this just stress?

hyper for 1 day out the yeat...is not good enough, is it??? Today I was a mess. The ludicrous htoughts...that is how I reverse my thinking...In the mornings I am ready to take myself away...but by mid afternoon I am just about managing to pace myself to a level. Yet I am finding my children extemely noisy and out of control. Lonely....I dont know what to do? Going for help seems to be making me worse, not better!!

My mum is driving me mental. She keeps arranging my life for me. Then when I meet her, i have to repeat myself about 3 times and have to explain everything to her in detail. Both my mum and sister take on board to slag me off, whilst uping the fact they are teachers, yet fail to understand my issues. Sorry, its like SES has siad I am banging my head against not just a brick wall, but a wall built by a stonemason!!! I want to be on my own , ALL THE TIME! But that just makes me feel like no one likes me. Even when I went to hospital and sat there for hours, no one was there to hold my hands and that makes me think, no one cares, and I am right to think that they all think I am a nasty evil, mean bitch.

Anyone else feel this way, or is it just me.

Okay, okay Ill leave you all in peace...just had to let some out before my reflux acid gets any worse :lol: :lol:

Katy.

Hi Katy,

I feel that maybe things may stem from your childhood? I feel that perhaps you have issues with family members,have you have been left out in the years gone by? My mum gave me up when I was 2 and I lived with my grand parents, I always felt that my mum loved my sisters more than myself as she took my twins sisters side every time with no ifs or buts? You feel like they are ganging up on you? no wonder you are feeling low :doh: You are not confident as they make you feel like your opinions do not exist? I do not speak to my sister as she is the evil bitch that is not worth bothering with, I haven't spoke to her since 2005 and my life has been less stressful. My advice is be as open as you can I wrote my mum a letter and all issues were put to a point and it was the best thing I did as now my mum understands x. I live for my kids as I want my children to not go through what I went through in my childhood, your kids are there to love and cherish xxxxx

Take care and be strong write all your thoughts down even write a diary and then your doctor can help some issues along with setting things straight in your head xxx

hugs and kisses xxx

SES, I am very grateful to you for opening upt to me about your issues.

As for me, its like a gren mosiac, with an ono entity. If I stamd up to my mother , I get an earful, and if I do Ifeel sooo guilty, Yet, I do feel I can talk to her on some things. Mymum really is all I have, My dad only seems to be interested on a mature level.

The problem is I never see him , so cant speak. I see my mum all the time, but she seems to think its me, she absorbs herself with her , my sisteeer and myu children, despite the fact I gave birth to them , she does seem to think i am ill intelligent to bring them up. I am fed up being criticised byu her. When she worked, i know this sounds so bitter, but I studied and did very well, even when my youngest was having speech therapy.

According to my mum, thats my neglect. Ive spoken to my mum about everything.. I thin kthough her hayfever meds are not getting through the alzheimers.... I am fed up having to try and look after her and my children. I am 32 yrs of age. I have my own difficulties to deal with, of which my family choose not to deal with (Does that sound bitchy and very selfish?) I think it does.....but at the the same time, I need to learn the word NO!!!.. aFTERALL, i AM A MU, TO. I dont wish my children a perfect existence... it does not exist... I wish to give my children somwthing I d o not have....backbone and confidence!!!!! Attention when theywant and gratify it, and to be themselves, Not a barbie doll or a Bratz Kid... just themselves...if they do that ..Ill will try to make it ..to love and not be judged by my own family ..to love them for everything they are.

I dont blame my mum. My mum has ndone nothing but worked hard for us. Its just been bad luck, after bad luck. I just feel stupid. Missunderstood, and humpf. lonely. I feel Ive failed her. I feel I will never be a perfect daughter to her, and caused my mum nothing but oain and she knew it last year and I feel she thinks I am the cause.

SES, last year my mum had a emergency hysterectomy//All eyes and hands stared at me as I glanced at my ill mum. They believe that she had a cyst due to me bineg a twin, and due to it nver being treated. Even when I took the bus up , neglevteled my own children, my mum did not give me a glance, It was like , it was all my fault, My mum is still no over it, sh e has to have more surgery come christmas. Ever since, shes been really moody and really very forgetfull.

My mum was the closest I had. but noew, its like she seems to forget everything I tell her, Everytime Is ee her, she seems to be in a very bad mood. I told her what my partner has done, yet she thinks its me, she blames me, (well maybe she right)...This is not the mum I used to know, amd is certainly not the mum I want to become.

Like Ive said.....who can I trust????

SES, If i could give you a teddy to hug, I would. Your feelings sound just like mine. I should have thsnked you earlier , after your message had gone through the system.

I do feel totally inadequate, totally barking mad, and totally forgotten about, not important, and really hurt.

Shouting was a way for me to say\"look folks\" I am alive...but that did not work....like, how embarassing is she???? (were the questions asked!!)...So, I now, hide....its all endlessy pointless....Why should I listen to a woman who had an affair with a man who had a handicapped wife,???

Oh Ouch.....these cramps are veery bad...doubled

Hi tiny tears

Hope you ok today

It's good that you are vocalising what has been going on for you, sounds like it has been hard going, with flack coming from all sides. I was really scared to let my mum n dad find out hohw i have been but managed to tell them. Although mum and i speak loads onthe phone it was actually dad last week who made the difference (never thought he could be so kind) anyway what i am rambling round trying to say is it isn't your fault your mum is reacting like she is. There are probably issues she hasn't dealt with and rather than dealing with them she is taking them out on you. I know it isn't fair but we prob all do it to a certian extent - crap day at work, want to shout at you boss but can't so end up shouting at kids or partner etc. Thinking about my brotherand how he treats mum/dad/me sometimes i also think it is easier to be rude, abrupt, nasty etc to flesh and blood cause you know deep down that a/you can get away with it and b/ they will forgive you (especially if you find it hard to express what is going on). I hope what i have just written makes some sort of sense - got a huge head ache so not going to read any of this back before posting.

Oh yeah thought you might be interested in a couple of sites i found yesterday. I was worried about starting the whole lax abuse thing again so got to looking round for info. There were 2 sites that proved really informative, with helpful ways of cutting down etc. You may find reasons for the symptoms you have been getting as well. Anyway, if you want to check them I have pm'd them to you.

Will have hardly any internet access for a few days but doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. Take it easy and be kind to yourself - you deserve it!!

Hi Girl, hope your headache shifts itself.

Just been to the shop and had to keep stopping, as today I am extremely dizzy. I want to swear all the time,,, and it tends to be of the nature....bleep off and leave me alone.......(not directed at you , of course...Just having a bad day).

Yes , I know what you mean about taking it out on those who are lcosest yo you...though it makes everything worse when I think , they think I am a looney and they dont understand. (maybe they dont think that, but thats what I think :lol: :oops: ) Oh maybe if Icould stop thinking Id be fine. Ill not carry on, dont want to make your head worse, Take care and look forward to speaking to you when you have internet access again.

Thanks for PMs, (Though theyve not shown up yet) Take care, katy

Hi there Katy

posted here before sending the pm so should be there now. been helping in the studio today - not my own work but hell at least i have been doing something - and i have an 8 hour shift a the pub to do in a bit so really think should go and find something to eat. Know what i need to do to get rid of headache is curl up and go to sleep but not allowed to do that. Forgot to take my meds yesterday as well so better take them as well - only 5 hours late today opps

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to not think. I also believe that everybody is judging me and thinks i am a loony. Hate the way my brain constantly tells me everything is my fault, even if i haven't even done anything.

oh well take it easy, hope the day gets better and catch you soon

H