I don't want to feel like this anymore

Thats bizarre Girl, some of what we spoke about came up in that questionnaire....The fact we cant say \"No\" to peopl and always seeking approval from others. But you reverse it,,,, make sure that others kknow you approve of them....and it gets worse, like praise them and makes you worse cause you get no come back. You want others to feel good about themselves as you know how bad it is when you feel so [b:fd4b69ff1c]BLEEP YOURSELF.

But then you feel worse, as you know you are letting your insecurities crawl to the surface of your skin, arrrrggh!!!!! The tuck into yourself,kicking yourself, Bugger.....why did I say that? And/or I look like complete *******, and I think everyone is thin,,,, I do not have the ability to look at someone and think they are a size blah blah....everyone just looks thin. I dont compare myself,,,, I just feel huge and would quite like to disappear.

I dont see it me being vain, or anything like it.....Its like a choking thing you get in the back of your throat and soon aas I put food to my mouth I start to gag or want to uncontrolably cry. Or , Ill eat a controlled amount, aand make it my days intake.

Everytime, before I get my womanlys, I put on half a stone (think its just water retention)....and this is when I initially started to abuse these bloody pills...in such a bad way.

People say \"I take it you are a size 8\"....I cant see it...I look normal.

Oh nevermind Girl, I cant explain it.

Feeling a bit drained now....are you?[/b:fd4b69ff1c]

Actually the only way to explain it....is loss of appetite....its exactly like when you loose a close relative and you go off your food. Thats the only way I can explain how I feel .

:oops: :oops: Massive ulcers in mouth....this is the thing with me....nothing hurts ....just numb.

hey, Girl, Ilike how you have the personal touch. its kind and friendly. I have my big sis here with me, (If I were to tell you what she weighed, youd have a panic attack).

I know you are not around. But I am sore agian, sweating, and essentially, I waant to SWITCH ME OFF!!!

i HAVE PAINS IN MY SIDE, constantly, when I get upset it cramps up...i cant hide as usually it bends me over double. But its maybe psychosomatic...who knows...I am a bit embarassed about everythiing, but actually my gues is, I needed to get stuff checked for peace of mind. Rest assured its given me that!..Though cant stop with the guilt, and my heart sometimes pounds soo quickly with the thougths of what I have done.

I feel okay emotionally , (at the mo), but no its about to go....I was so in control tonight, children are quietly in bed and watching a dvd. After doigng the essentials, When I am on my own , i do so much better (with the getting on with my children) and cping. Though, sometimes, I feel I need my partner and his dad, just tp take them off my hands, Must go

Hi Katy,

Like I have said previously your problems stem from your lack of confidence as you have found it hard to prove your existence because you believe that your mum blames you for her suffering this is not the case your mum chose to have you and it was just the way god made things happen it is not your fault and the sooner you believe this the better... I have had a number of events happen to me, I was married to an abusive ex husband that said once \"You have life insurance I could do you in\" and he is still threatening me and yet a number of years ago I had no friends as he had slept with most of them, what I am trying to say he made me feel like two inches small and so these people that bring you down make you feel like you are useless and not worth anything and so you put yourself down think negative thoughts and this is why you are taking these laxatives abusing your body but the truth is you are worth everything........ as it is them that is worth something yeah something only you had walked in off the street, and you are the mother of your kids and they need their mum to be strong and be there for them, I had social services help due to my ex's behavior.

Take one day at a time goto the park with your kids see them having fun as this makes the joys of motherhood worthwhile!!!! My fifteen year old helped me and I am strong and I am proud I got through the low times for the sake of my adorable children and to put the icing on the cake I had my little boy who is three in January........ the only unfortunate thing now is there is no happy ending as I have fibromyalgia and I am in constant pain....... the joy of my son brings me through the bad days with the love and his cute smile

Take care x :cheerup: :gift:

Hello to all, I have been having depression on and off for a few years now, today I was at the pain clinic as I have a lot of health problems, and I have been recently been diagnosed with M E which has been difficult to cope with it all, I feel so down and useless at the moment and I hate all the horrible thoughts I have in my head cannot rest or sleep, just wish it would all end.

Hey m Hi folks, iereally do not know what to say, except, with all your pains you have touched a spot. I walk and cycle a lot, my knees are now cramping, anf things seem totaly \"out of place\", \"out i]Of hand: I fee; crippled, yet have bo excuseD, Today, I nearly argued for a ladys simmer frame, as I a mfindng my dizziness outofcontrol.. I cant wlk, yawn , sleeep or talk. I am begging whoever READS THIS, TO SEE THROUGH ME.

OKAY, DONT KNOW, BUT THINK i AM STUFFED, COLLAPSED, INTOILET, CANT GET THE ENERGY TO GET O BED, NO CAN...GOING TO BED. sLEPT FOR AN HOUR IN LOU, NO ONE NOTICED! fEEL ILL.

cats eyes I really feel for you, but you CAN fight this, Please. Right now I fee like I am in a lot of pain, but fdo not know why, so sleepy!

Your helping me, so I will help you , figh tfour your rights....you have to!

Sorry, but to sore, I need sleep. take care, all of you and thank you for being my friends. Sorry , just so sore and exhausted, this is the fourth time tonight been found sleeping. Night night. hopee to speak soon. Hugs/

Hi folks, SES, Girl and Melbi, hope you are all doing okay!

Still alive. And grrrrrrr!!! In a bad mood! Children pulled donw curtain rail////and it triggered me into a rage. Sure a few blood vessels popped.

Weel I am perfectly aware that we all have our own set of problems to deal with. I only want to write this down to share this with others who may feel the same, (If not then just ignore it).

Firstly, like I have stated, Mum has gone :roll: demand , demand demand, I actually feel that she uses my children as a power tool to control my life. I have told her time and time again to STOP buying my children clothes. It only helps him to stash plentiful supplies of I dont know hom much dosh away. It spoils the children and have no clue as to what clothes they have or dont have. Wee, as you can imagine , this request is ignored, and my mum carries on regardless. She tells me what to do all the time, and has no respect for me as a person trying to cope in a difficult situation with 2 young children. Either that or she may need her hearing checked. yet, I know she tires to do this to please people, to make things okay, to help, to compensate gfor the difficult time. But it simply does not help. She does not want to see her granchildren suffer. But its okay I made my bed I lie in it.

When she was ill, my dad would phone evey night. My parents have not spoken for over 20 years......He would say\"You only have one mum\"

In my head i would think sarcastically , \"well, I thought I could return it to m and S, I thought it a shopping bag\"for god sake, was not him going up and down that road, and so worried with nerves, and why did he care so much about her? And if it were us he was worried about , why did he not come down and help? Oh I suppose hes only human, and probably did not want to get incvolved. Maybe too busy.I dont know.... But theyy are from opposite ends of the parent handbook, one serious and always telling you what to do, anal, and controlling. the other too busy having fun , laidback ,and relaxing, and cracking jokes.

Is this a normal feeling to have....Oh I dont know, Just wantd to relieve myself, as I riddled with guilt as I canceelled on my mum today. tried to be really bad with food, like have a really horrible sausage roll, but started to gag ,,,,it reminded me of something else :oops: :roll: :oops: :lol: so it got chiucked in the bin. Grrrr!! I dod that thing where Ill be really bad so as to deny myself that I dont have a problem...it never works.

Oh , there sorry folks, apologies for being a burden , tired now and must go. Take care of yourselves. x

:lol: :oops: Me again!!! (Yawn -is there anyone there?).

Just watched Bridget Jones - boy that film plays on my emotions- so much!

Well, today, i went out and throw out our old rug. It was a flookati, And I am hoping is the main cause to my daughters skin problems. Ive complained about it, and complained about and, yes, complained about it. Mr Mean would not throw it out. Its about the only accessorize hes ever bought this oplace.

In my rage this morning, I am thinking I am in a complete nightmare of a trap, and I am buggered If I am going to let my children suffer as he is so mean. so ditched the rug and bought a cheap strange but colourful thin. Its great as the kids have found hopscotch in my living space, (Hey , well, so .I dont care if I am a bad parent, not anymore, I just want them to smile and feel confident and learn to love themselves, in a way I could never).

Sorry, I have no pals to talk to , in fact to be honest, I dont really want to tak to anyone, its like, I am in dirty bath water and someone cemented the plug...its getting grottier and grottier.

I have been sleeping so much, and a thought ocurred to me today, I can see me getting emotionally wound up, by the fact that I know this designer company find me ill qualified , regardless of my good nature nad how hard I try, I am convinced they have made there decision. I think I dont care worse things can happen , Though deep down it really hurts as I am scared I will never be able to do a job or hold a job. But the other side of me thinks No, Katy thats not the case, youve just not found your vocation in life, dont let these suckers fdrag you down. The reason I know my job is on the line , is the whole situation at work is far too much for me to cope with, with everything else going on.

At the same time, yes I would agree I am crap on the till, though getting better...getting better at everything, Next Wednesday i work 10 am to 12 am. ..then take Alex to hospital to get her thumb checked...to wait for nutjob (partner to come home) to go back to work and do some vm work. Is it worth it? I am allready thinking my boss has made her mind up.

Last week millions of blokes ran into the changing rooms. My boss was doing the same as me, making down sale stock . She shouted at me to control the order in the changing room. I felyt so intimidated as there were about 6 blokes shouting loudly to their pals in the rooms. In my mind , I think sod off, your management , you get paid double to deal with crap like this, and I am not going to upset myself anymore as you vcant be bothered, What was wrong with her dealing with it?

My point is, I get caught at every tiny little miniscule mistake I make, regardless of how I have kept my mistakes to a minimum. I can now do very difficult things on that pc/till (whatever), but I certainly annot do it, while being watched, Excuseme the last time I was watched, horrible things happebned so , do they mind , do they mind, leave me a lone, let me learn my own way and go look in the irror yourself. (Sorry I hate how I am so bruatally misunderstood, all the time). I never stand up for my elf, because inever havem, and therefor if I try it comes out all wrong and I am perceived o be the agressor, Sod that!

WWhen they sack me....pleases remind me of this though......I\" I will not wear your clothes like a thieving grieving assaluted spinster\".....and instead of crying.....Wiseb up pals...you are too stupifd to even give me a chance, achance that could have moved your business on in strides.\"

Sorry, off on one, Ive never had a diary , mainly as I get frustrated by my crap handwriting, So hope you dont mind. Hope someone responds soon. hugs to you all, TT

hello all, really down again today, keep bursting into tears at anything, in a lot of pain too :cry: very tired but cannot sleep again, :cry: I hate it feeling like this all the time :cry: :sorry: for moaning but I cannot help it, its like a black clouds that comes over me and makes me feel so down and angry too, its a horrible feeling and it just won't go away. :ghost:

Katy first of all can I say life is what you make it and if we wallow in self pity when our life is crap then we have to set a goal and thank ourselves what we have!!!, secondly may I say that you are blessed to have the children and should thank your lucky stars that they exist and thirdly we all have our lows and we have to pick up the pieces and deal with it!!!!! it could be worse you could be on the street with no-one not being able to talk to anyone like a homeless begger worrying how he/she was going to get the next meal!!!!!! I am sorry hun but you need to pull yourself together and thank your lucky stars foe what you have as those children you have as they are \"YOUR LIFE\" doesn't matter who said what\"!!!! you are a family unit and that is all that matters!!!!! :hug: :love: :smooch: No matter what is thrown at us our kids are the priority and you have to think that you are blessed with what you have, as they are the one thing that brightens your day and sod anyone/thing else as if other family members P*** you off and those that are there either care about you or they are not worth bothering about 'cause if they nag that means they are looking out for you and so they have your interest at heart so think your self lucky and those that do not back you up well so be it!!!!!!!!!!! As I had no-one to talk to at one point not even a PC to communicate ........ pull yourself together pet and think positive!!!!! :cracker: :cheerup:

Take care and big hugs

[quote:6e6cb0bd86=\"cats eyes\"]hello all, really down again today, keep bursting into tears at anything, in a lot of pain too :cry: very tired but cannot sleep again, :cry: I hate it feeling like this all the time :cry: :sorry: for moaning but I cannot help it, its like a black clouds that comes over me and makes me feel so down and angry too, its a horrible feeling and it just won't go away. :ghost:[/quote:6e6cb0bd86]

Hi there Cats Eyes,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have had a bad day. I don't know but the bad ones always seem to drag us down at a click of the finger yet it can take a a few good days to lift us.

Stay strong hun, you will hopefully be feeling better today. Just keep posting here whenever you feel the need, it does help us to cope. So no more apologies about moaning - we all do it from time to time, it is a very good coping strategy.

Stay strong - we are all right here with you.

Love 'n' hugs

Melbi xxxx

Hi Cates eyes, sorry you are feeling low......remeber (sorry I dont want to sound patriotic,,,,,,but its a roller coaster, the butterflies will stop and the lump in the throat will vanish, even the shakes will stop , even the hole in the stomach will eventualyy subside. Cats eyes please, its like when you know you are going to vomit, and shiver and look down that pan and think(Yip) oh know, here we go again....You know and hope it will pass...Once its over, it could not be better.

Cats eyes, where does your name come from? It reminds me of a Judy Blume book I read when about 8 ?Tiger Eyes\"......anyway, Just to let you know I like cats and think they have fabby eyes. Thats another thing I have a problem with. [b:1bc1922a54]PEOPLE WHO WEAR DARK SUNGLASSES, AND HIDE THEIR EYES. wHY? Sorry, Il shut up hmmm for today. Take Care cats eyes :rose: :gift: Hope these help![/b:1bc1922a54]