I don't want to feel like this anymore

And while I am here,[b:bf22599b0d]MY CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST..(whetther i type this on the pc or not).........Why do you think I am in such a rut!!!! If it were me that came first, I would have buggered off years ago.[/b:bf22599b0d]

:oops: :oops: :oops: Sorry mods :P :P :P Must be getting better!!!!! Maybe SES had done me a favour afterall....Just need a level though!!!!

TTHANKS SES :cheerup:

Hi Katy

As you know everyone here cares about you and are concerned about you.

You have been posting on PUKE for 12 months this month; Moderators and members have read your posts over and over again. Some offer you sound advise, some try and support you but I'm sorry Katy but until you take the bull by the horns you are not going to improve.

This may sound harsh and cruel what I am going to say next but while reading it please remember it is because I, like many others, care about you and your children......

You follow the same pattern day in, day out! You start pouring your most inner feelings out in the early hours of the morning on here and then 95% of the time the day after you press that alert button on your own posts or ask for your posts to be removed.

You say you are struggling to hold down a job, I would struggle too, as many others would, if I stayed up half the night ranting and raving on the computer. Okay, so you can't sleep.... neither can I most nights - many others can't either for one reason or another - but I will lie in bed away from the computer etc. I might not be sleeping but at least I am resting.

Now, Katy, it is time you did stop wallowing in self pity - thousands and thousands of people suffer depression for lots of different reasons.

Yes, we are all grateful for PUKE, it is a fantastic place to vent our emotions but come on Katy - night after night after night followed by regrets of what you have posted the day after and ask to have them removed.

To get depression under control you need to take control. Posting here all the time hasn't helped you in the last 12 months - so what makes you think it is going to help you now?

Stop hiding behind that screen, go and get some professional help OFFLINE!

I'm sorry if the above words hurt and make you feel unloved, unwanted or un - anything, thjey are there because I care enough about you to say STOP right there Katy and pull yourself together.

I wasn't going to post this but have now changed my mind....

I was attacked Wednesday night - not by 1 guy but 3! I have been left battered and bruised and emotionally distraught. All day Thursday I lay in bed sore, bruised and crying. Friday I could have quite easily have done the same - but I didn't. Why? Because I have had enough of wallowing in self pity - feeling depressed and anxious these last few months - no my whole lifetime in fact - that I refuse to be dragged down again by some thugs.

Like Breezman says, I'm not a victim - I'm a survivor.

Are you a survivor too or are you going to stay as you are wallowing in self pity over things that happened years ago, that you or no one else can change. If you choose the latter then let me guarantee you right now that 10 years down the line you are going to be wallowing in even more self pity because you will have wasted another 10 years of your life feeling angry and hurt over something that happened so long ago - and still no one will be able to change the past.

So Katy - just because we care, we are now saying enough is enough - stop using the computer as your escape from life; from reality and start helping yourself to recovery.

Love 'n' hugs as always

Melbi xxx

okya, sorry to hear what happened!!!!

Bye.

Wait one minute Melbi!!!!11 Had i not been able to pour or vent my rants on this thing......I am not so sure Id still be here....So thank you to PUkE.....and now ...TO MY NEW FOUND FRIENDS...please keep in touch, Like melbi says however, I am going to unplug this thing to try and do some doing........

Melbi, while I am sorry to hear what happened to you........and while you seem to think me a victim [b:f47b5bd72d]of things that happened years ago...and niot soo long ago. yOU FAIL To appreciate that I have tried to get professional help, that I am pleeding the NHS to help......but what for?

I DO NOT SEE MYSELF AS A VICTIM. i SEE MYSELF AS A FIGHTER, BUT FINDING IT A BLODDY HARD FIGHT. i CRY BECAUSE i AM IN A LOOSING BATTLE.....i CRY TO GET ON IN MY FIGHT, TO GIVE ME STRENGTH TO GET OUT AND NOT TO WALLOW IN IT.

i TYPE HEAR, SO i DO NOT HAVE TO SHOUT, SO THAT i CAN TRY AND BUILD UP AN APPETITE...SO THAT i CAN THINK MYSELF NORMAL......No matter what the mods have discussed, I would like to make this my point........ PUKE has been my life support for over the last year.....but could they just give me a thread where no one else could read and put it in a drawer with a lock and key.

Its a lonely life....but I intend to do the rest with a smile.......And people....will you just stop getting at me!!!!!!!!!! \"Pull yourself together\" Weell.....erm....my head is on my shoulders, and my feet still toouch the ground..........Ive not fallen apart.....have I?????[/b:f47b5bd72d]

Attention to all mods. :P Ban me from this site. Thank you.

Yeah Melbi,

As you know I have been getting death threats from my ex and I am so scared of his next action but I am not going to scream and shout on here, even how many memories are being thrown back into the equation...... Life is a battle at times in many ways or another, I do believe that you love, care very much for your children Katy but you need to be stable...... If you are ranting and raving on here early hours of the morning when really speaking you should be resting like Melbi says as I am in pain 24/7 from head to toe but I could not sit at my pc early hours as my son wakes me up between 7.30 and 9 .......

WE DO CARE TOO as we have read your posting and replied we would like to see you come out of this and be \"The Surviver\" :fairy: So please take note anyway I hope you think today is the turning point when you are going to take action and set your self a goal......... YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Just a thought you could chat to someone too ...........

[b:866f3f8782]Depression Alliance

Tel: 0845 123 23 20

Mon to Fri, 1pm to 5pm

Web: www.depressionalliance.org

Information and support to people affected by depression [/b:866f3f8782]

Take care, and give your children a big hug xxxxxx

Sorry to hear about your ex.

Sorry to hear of your pains too, Okay....ill go do the ironing then..........i think its about backdated a year :lol: ......Could you not do it for me....? Anyone? :cry: :lol:

I need some good music!!!!!!!

Sorry, but that pile of clothing is making my eyebrows grow more bushy by the minute.

The ww.depression website is out on holiday, as its undergoing improvements.................oh :lol: and so should I.

Yeah Katy,

I think a holiday would be lovely........ would you like to pay for mine too, and if you want you can do my ironing first before we go lol xxxx

Take care and I hope you have a lovely day xxxxx

here are some others hun that may be of interest to you then ......

Manic Depression Fellowship

Information line: 020 7793 2600

Web: www.mdf.org.uk

MIND infoline

Tel: 08457 660163 (local rate)

Mon to Fri 9.15 am to 5.15pm

Web: www.mind.org.uk

\"MindinfoLine is a confidential mental health service offering information, support and understanding. We enable people to make informed choices by being a gateway to Mind services and signposting to other organisations.\"

OvercomeDepression.co.uk

Offers a unique and clear reference point on depression help and advice from experts in the field. www.overcomedepression.co.uk

Take care

:cheerup: :fairy:

[quote:05775f2f20=\"Tiny Tears\"]Wait one minute Melbi!!!!11 Had i not been able to pour or vent my rants on this thing......I am not so sure Id still be here....So thank you to PUkE.....and now ...TO MY NEW FOUND FRIENDS...please keep in touch, Like melbi says however, I am going to unplug this thing to try and do some doing........

Melbi, while I am sorry to hear what happened to you........and while you seem to think me a victim [b:05775f2f20]of things that happened years ago...and niot soo long ago. yOU FAIL To appreciate that I have tried to get professional help, that I am pleeding the NHS to help......but what for?

I DO NOT SEE MYSELF AS A VICTIM. i SEE MYSELF AS A FIGHTER, BUT FINDING IT A BLODDY HARD FIGHT. i CRY BECAUSE i AM IN A LOOSING BATTLE.....i CRY TO GET ON IN MY FIGHT, TO GIVE ME STRENGTH TO GET OUT AND NOT TO WALLOW IN IT.

i TYPE HEAR, SO i DO NOT HAVE TO SHOUT, SO THAT i CAN TRY AND BUILD UP AN APPETITE...SO THAT i CAN THINK MYSELF NORMAL......No matter what the mods have discussed, I would like to make this my point........ PUKE has been my life support for over the last year.....but could they just give me a thread where no one else could read and put it in a drawer with a lock and key.

Its a lonely life....but I intend to do the rest with a smile.......And people....will you just stop getting at me!!!!!!!!!! \"Pull yourself together\" Weell.....erm....my head is on my shoulders, and my feet still toouch the ground..........Ive not fallen apart.....have I?????[/b:05775f2f20][/quote:05775f2f20]

Hi again Katy

You are just not getting it are you? :shock: Everyone here has suffered some terrible and horrid life experiences; everyone here struggles to cope most days; everyone here wants to shut off the outside world so they could just lie back and let life take us over.

We don't though! We fight it - just because we don't come on here every night ranting and raving then asking for them to be removed the day after doesn't mean we aren't suffering like you are suffering.

What I am trying to say to you is STOP using PUKE as your escape; your hope for the future and start taking control of your own life - no matter how difficult it may be.

Yes you are sorry for what has happened to other posters here - but what has happened to them doesn't affect you directly so you don't see our pain, our struggles and suffering.

Now I don't know about you but I have just come home from having a lovely meal with my family for my birthday and now getting changed to go out with a few friends this evening.

If you are unable to go out due to needing a babysitter then turn off the computer or even find a game on the computer you enjoy or watch TV or better still snuggle down with your children and watch a dvd or play a board game and forget your troubles and worries and just enjoy what you have right there in your home - your children!

I'm sorry you feel everyone is getting at you - but if you are going to post the same things over and over and not listen to any replies then what more can anyone do?

You ask PUKE to make you your own place - why? You can set your own forum up and post there until your heart is content - for what good it is doing you :roll:

Can't you see, you have been posting the same stuff over and over for a year and yet you are still struggling - doesn't that tell you that it isn't working for you?

Okay, that is my last words on this matter - open your eyes and look around you.

love 'n' hugs

Melbi xxx

(ouch!)........[b:f4ea31fdaa]Melbi, my children are happy , playing and have been playing with fimo....all 8 children gathered round me, playing squish squash squish...Its the best stuff ...good for the old stress levels too....and you can make anything you want with it, and then cook it in the oven .....I mkae badges...ill give you one for your birthday :lol:

At primary my sister an I got battered, as we sold badges and earings and .....grand old price 50p....and they all broke.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Well thats the last from me,..........hey guys, ate some sunday tea. (Thats good for me)[/b:f4ea31fdaa]

Hi Hopeless.

Im 20.Ive had depression for 5 years now and reading your story was like reading my own.I totally understand how your feeling.I still suffer and i wonder myslef will it be like this forever. I suppose it's different for everyone.

I was in a psychiatric hospital for 2 years because of this and ive seen people fully recover so please dont give up hope.

If you ever need to talk im here.

x

Hi Clare, hopeless and everyone. Sorry, forgot to log out- dont know how long either - whoops!!!

I dont think I am depressed any more, not like before.......but I cant eat 3 meals a day...ican barely have a cup a soup and a slice of toast. Its too painful to swallow, and then I loose my appetite.

If I do have a disorder, which I dont think I do , (hopefully its not true). I dont look abnormally thin, In fact I feel the opposite, but for me its not about being thin or even being fat. If people put on a few pounds, well thats all it is, it doesnt bother me, I dont find it offensive in any way. i dont think greedy fat cow, if a well rounded person should walk past me. I dont even think abou it. Just have no appetite.

I still get my periods and they have actually got heavier over the last year. I dont know whats gong on...and I am fed up being dizzy.

Hopeless, hope you are okay, ses and everyone. moodwise, I can get out of this myself, I know I can. take care.

Hi Hopeless, depression really is a learning tool! I hate it too, I sound just like you too, jusst want to be normal (whatever normal is) but I am paying for a counsellor, some weeks good, some weeks a waste of time, but I know that if I try and can add a little to our discussions and can see what pushes my buttons (at least some of them now). Like you dont sleep well so take 7.5mg zopiclone when really nackered, stay in bed some days when too tired to fight but now there are some days when i can say "I know what started that off" and just saying that is a bonus. I too am afraid of being alone, but oddly enjoy being alone so I dont have to pretend 24/7 to be part of the Happy Human Race. Sometimes I force myself to do things (just so the depression doesnt win) and found I did actually enjoy it and it took a chunk of the depression rock on my shoulder and I feel a bit lighter.

Like you I have been doing this most of my life but perhaps that make me the special person I am, somone who can say to a depressed person " It does get better - slowly" but you have to try and work with it and talk to it. I am now rambling but I am on here so if you want to ramble back any questions please do, it would be a privelige to answer them.(if I can) a fellow black cloud (on occasions)