I don't want to feel like this anymore

Hi all b4 i say anything im not out 2 offend any1 and hope no1 takes wot i got 2 say the wrong way but this illness is hard enough 2 deal with without feeling sorry 4 ourselvs i no its hard not 2 and most of us do at some point ( i no i have on more than 1 occasion and probably will again) but we have 2 keep fighting it and not let it win and that will probably mean hearing things that may seem harsh and probably come across as if no body understands or cares but as a sufferer of depression 4 about 18 years they do care. Iv had a bad child hood and traumatic experiences just like most of u im sure and i lived more in the past than i did the presant or lookin 2 the future but now im havin 2 deal with it all and try and move on (im not sayin its easy and i still have bad times but i have better days aswell now). Any way i just needed 2 get this of my chest i read a few of the posts but not all (my concerntration is not that good with the longr posts so i apologise 4 that).

We r all here 2 help and support each other surley thats wot counts.

Take care 2 all.

P.S hope i not offended any 1, i didnt want 2 do that.

xxx

Hi, I am the same, have been for years, but mine started through a very tramatic divorce. Haven t been the same since. I used to be a strong outgoing woman not afraid of anything, not anymore, can't even leave the house at times, can't drive on the freeway. My shrink said it's because the world is no longer a safe place to me. Yes, we are missing out on alot because this thing has a control on us and other people just don't get it. They just tell me I worry too much and get over it....easy right??!!

Dear Hopeless,

I have felt like you are feeling ; Irritable, restless, agitated, low, confused. Severe Depression is horrid. I suffer from Severe Agitated Depression. I also suffer with Paranoid Schizophrenia (which my Mother suffers with also) I have Bipolar Disease (Manic Depression)- Epilepsy, a Mood Disorder and I suffer from Eczema (down my ear canals). Sometimes I feel I could just kill people around me. I have Intrusive Thoughts (Odd, Dark & Sexual) I get really angry with those who most love me. I attack verbally & physically & I've asked for help many, many, many times! I'm never listened to by my parents, brothers, carers. I have no friends because I constantly transfer my negative thoughts onto them. You don't have to feel alone. I'm much worse off than you. Write down all your good qualities & maybe look at it from time-to-time, it will remind you how strong you are. The tea brand 'Pukka' does a great tea called detox. I'm just saying this because I've tried it and it's made me feel less stressed & frustrated. It's all about new beginnings, scrap the 'old' you & become that you you've always dreamed & wanted to be. I wish you health, wealth & happiness & hope you get to feeling the way you want to feel...

I am feeling the same way. 

At this point I am very afraid. I believe that I will soon be homeless because of my situtatition because I was so stupid in the past now I am paying for it in the present. I wish I had left when I had the chance, I wish I has done a lot of things. But now I am in this horrible situation.

 

Last week I has 2 castings for a commercials that would have helped me get out of this mess and provide me with the plane ticket that I have be longing for. My first castings in over 6 months. I even had a recall. But now I have realized that I was not hired. I have to send in an audition tape for a film but I need someone to read the lines for me, and in the state I am in I am not sure I can pull it off. Also I started a new job at an English school definitely not something that I wanted to take but had to out of desperation. And the 2 students that I had quit. The money I do make is not enough to live and I dont enjoy any of it. There are too many things going on in my life right now and I cannot deal with them. It really sucks being alone and in a place where you don’t feel comfortable.

 

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I cant sleep at night. I don’t want to go out and I don’t want to see anyone. I am alone and have been alone for 2 years. I don’t really have friends, I have no real social life besides meeting with students and occasionally meeting with you. But I am still alone. I don’t have a circle of friends like you do. I don’t have any romantic prospects. I have not been on a date in… in fact I cant even remember.  I am constantly with my thoughts. It is had driven me to madness. I have tried meeting with a therapist about it, but when you don’t have the money for therapy well then therapy really doesn’t work does it? 

So I kinda understand how you feel. I for one feel like I am being punished for something. 

Hi, reading this i broke down and cried so much. This is so just how I feel all the time and I couldn't have said it any better if I had said it my self. You would think with me working in the medical field that I wouldn't be suffering with depression like I do. Im 37 years old and have had this problem as far back as I can remember. I so just want it to go away.

Hi, I know you posted this over a year ago but I'm just seeing it and I feel like I could have written this myself, I know exactly how you felt when you wrote this. I hope that you are in a better place today and don't feel so weighed down everyday. I just wanted go check in on you and see how things are going.

Hi there are you still feeling this this post says it's over a year old ? I might have the answer you seek for I have suffered what you've gone through and worse

This is exactly how I feel. I'm aware this post is very old but I just related to this so much. I hope your better now.

Everything you said I have the same thoughts. Use to be happy go lucky, joking all the time, then my best friend my mother passed away unexpectantly. It's been ovet four years ago. Still cant get over it as I went to her doctors appt 2 months prior to her death and the dr said her heart and lungs were in excellant condition. She had a total body scan and it showed her in perfect health. She died of cardio/ pulmonary something and that was only 2 months after the doctor said her lungs and heart were perfect. Anyway that was the start of my depression. Got toxic mold exposure after that that ate away a lot of bone from inside my head and dissolved all the bones that protests the main artery under my brain. After that I have cognition issues. I have uncontrolled diabetes because now i have autoinmmune disease. One of the main things thats causing my depression is the constant explaining why i cant eat this and why i cant eat that and no one gets it. I hate diabetes, it ruins your life. Drs try to push toxic diabetic medicatiion on you and it makes it worse. Diabetes also adds to depression. I know how you feel hopeless you are not alone, 

As you get older, your brain shrinks. I have read countless scientist forum based on depression and anxiety in which I have both. The part of your brain called the hippocampus is one of the categories in your brain that controls your "feelings". The branches that sends these signals to different parts of the brain called neurotransmitters help with function of thoughts, feelings, memory, IS and so on, what happens is that sometimes these branches can break off interrupting signals causing memory to fade which leads to Alzheimers and so on. The branches can multiply depending on how much your learning or they can break off due to exhaustion. Plenty of rest is key here.There's supplements that can increase the size of the hippocampus and improve memory and function. Theres also brain simulation devices that send low electric currents to help put your mind at ease, and have the same effects as the supplements but better odds. I've dealt with some severe depression episodes and still do, and I also feel like I'm bad company because I am. I was class clown, happy go lucky, ya know "able to fit in with everybody" kind of guy but, somewhere down the road I lost that part of me. The brain simulation device works..but I'd recommend that you use it for a couple of weeks to notice the effects because I almost gave up on it. If anybody is still reading this forum and suffering from any type of depression, get the brain simulation device.

Hopeless, I want you to know that you are not so "hopeless." You are not! You indeed have control over this, even when it doesn't feel like you do. The key is teaching your brain how to find even an ounce of that control again; something that depression naturally takes away from you. Let me tell you about my story, maybe you can relate.

I am 25. I graduated college as a nurse after failing and failing and failing, mostly due to being depressed and unsure of myself all throughout school. I made it though; I graduated with honors, landed a great job, and after another 2 years of still being depressed and struggling, I finally figured things out. I am no longer depressed, and I just accepted a position as a supervisor at my job.I  finally have a life of my own, and a loving boyfriend I never thought I would have ever deserved. My life is not what I expected because once upon a time I thought I would always be msierable, always be struggling, always be wishing some tragedy would take me away. Looking back, I think I first fell into the grip of depression at the age of... maybe 12 or so. That was the first time I ever cut myself at least (to this day nobody knew unless I told them, and I have only told two people of this), though I am suspicious my depression began sometime in childhood (childhood trauma, adoption, poor coping, etc.). I too have suffered through highs and lows. When you're fine, you're fine, but out of nowhere as you said the blackness creeps in and wraps itself neatly inside of your mind and you simply cannot ignore its existence. I have suffered through suicidal woes (no attempts, merely longings to no longer exist) as wel. I truly feel your pain and I wish I could reach out and hug you. 

I want you to know there is hope, and it may show up when you least expect it. I felt helpless for years; fully functional by day and a complete wreck by night, but not always. It was so confusing, never understanding whether I was okay or not, never understanding if my depression was gone for good or not. But I can tell you that at 25, I have not had overwhelming periods of feeling depressed in months; almost 8, to be exact. I am indeed counting because this is monumental for me and I am sometimes in disbelief. 

I want to share what helped me in hopes that maybe something will "click" and you can find relief the same way I did. For me, it took having a complete mental breakdown in front of my boyfriend of [now] 3 years, who I had never really explained my depression to. He knew I got sad at times, but we never talked about it and he really had no idea what I was experiencing until one night I became so paranoid, so sad, so suicidal seemingly out of the blue. I was shaking, my mind was racing, I felt like I was losing control of my mind and body. I don't want this to deter you but what helped me, as I had NEVER taken any forms of medication or actively and consistently gone to any sort of therapy, was smoking a little pot for the first time. I know this works for some and not for others, but I had a reaction I was not expecting. It brought me back "down" from whatever disillusioned stormcloud I was drowning in. It brought me back "up" from the depths of despair, where I felt like I was literally drowning in my emotions, unable to breathe anymore. It gave me perspective and made me feel in control of myself and my thoughts for the first time... ever? Ever. It was the only self medicating I had ever done, aside from taking sleeping pills to sleep the pain and frustration away, which I had done on occasion for years. 

Smoking wasn't a cure-all, but it was a new form of medication for me. I didn't need to get high in order to feel calmed down and collected. I would smoke on my bad days, when I felt my mind telling me all of the terrible things that you described; feeling inadeuqate, feeling crazy, feeling hopeless, like I was destined to always be sad. I would smoke, and then I would pursue my artwork -- just drawing, painting, coloring. Sometimes I would journal. I had journaled for years, but I began journaling differently. I used to just write about my sadness - pages upon pages of dissecting my thoughts, but what I didn't realize this was doing was creating a pattern of thinking. Once I started medicating myself, I was able to break this pattern of thinking. Some people break their habitual sad thoughts by using daily gratitude journals -- every day, write down 10-20 things you are grateful for, even if day after day you write the same things. Write them down, and try to think positive thoughts about these things. Do this every day. There are also APPS you can get on your phone to help with this "happiness training," such as Happify. I also used happify for months during my depression and even after I noticed I was no longer depressed. There are silly activities you can do to "rewire" your thought patterns and help you think more positively.

Treating depression takes an army of techniques. There is no cure-all as simple as just one prescription, just one therapist, just one hobby. It takes a collective effort, and most importantly it takes you wanting to TRY to change your brain for the better. When you are depressed, it is so difficult to even THINK this way. But I promise you with all my heart, you are not hopeless as you feel. You have to be willing to change your perspective before your brain will be able to physically change itself. Depression is a disease that is poorly misunderstood; it is so much more than JUST a chemical imbalance, and this is why it takes so much more than JUST medication to treat. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy is aimed at changing your thought patterns and behaviors, and eventually your emotional and behavioral responses to certain triggers, thoughts, emotions, situations etc. Once I learned "it" is all about perspective, I learned how to tame my thoughts and emotions. That is not to say they don't get the best of me at times; they certainly do!! But after suffering through eating disorders and self harm as a teen, abusive boyfriends, grief and loss, resentment over the fact that I was adopted as a teenager... after fighting with myself and not understanding the nature of my depression for YEARS, from the age of 12 to 25, I am finally able to say that I have a grip on my life. Sure, it's still hard sometimes, but life is hard! That's a reality. But it is 100% true, proven by physics, that your perception of reality dictates the reality you experience. Alter your perception, and you will change your life. This absolutely applies to depression. 

Please consider counseling, therapy, if you haven't already. Try your gratitude journals. Go on an adventure, even if you don't feel like it because you feel drained of all energy and emotion. Practice positive self talk, even if at first you don't believe any of it. Please try any and all of these things because you deserve to be free of the vice grip of your depression. You are worthy and loved, even on your darkest, most terrible days. 

I hope this helped. Best wishes to you xoxo 

Sounds like me I know this was posted in 2008. But just wanted to say I have those same thoughts and I constantly over think things so much I want to commit suicide. I stress myself out. I'm my own enemy. No one else. I wish it would all end for me. I'm tired. I give up. Anyways I hope you're holding on. Things will get better but you need professional help. Therapy. Hypnotherapy, natural medicine, vitamins, eat well, group therapy.👍Good Luck