I don't want to feel like this anymore
Posted , 34 users are following.
Hi I stumbled onto this site by accident and I am so glad I did. Although I am so sorry and sadend to see that so many people feel like this and wish with all my heart that they get better soon as I know how terrible this is, I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone (I really don't mean that in a bad way). I have been feeling like I am going crazy and everyone around me is sane. I have had depression for four years on and off and am on my third day of being back on anti depressants again. I just feel like this is a never ending story and will I ever get better and feel good and be really happy again or will I just have to grin and bare it and keep up the pretense and the mask I grudginly put up in public. I can't take this anymore. I get over the depression, get myself and my life back on track and then out of nowhere it returns and pulls me down into the blackness and I wish with all my heart I could take it away. Like if your not well and you need an operation, they take the bit thats bad for you away, how much easier would it be if you could do that for depression.
I am tired so so tired of this constant battle to live with this. I just wanna feel like me again, I used to be so happy and bubbly (to the outside world I still am) but its all an act and I am so tired of the pretense. I don't wanna fight with myself or my feelings anymore. I don't wanna dread goin to bed because I know I won't be able to sleep so I stay up till 7am until I'm shattered and then go to bed only to find that the only thing that is tired is my body and my mind is still wide awake! I don't wanna dread waking up in the morning to face another day of this hell. I sometimes wish that I could take my brain out for a day (if that makes any sense) just so I can get some piece. I don't wanna be scared anymore, scared of my feeling like this, scared of being in groups of friends, scared of leaving my house alone (which bizarly doesn't bother me if I am with someone, but its really not that helpful as I live alone), scared of people finding out that I wear this mask, scared of people thinking that I have completely lost the plot, scared of looking stupid, scared of being laughed at, scared of being talked about, scared of being hurt, scared of living.
I have had depression on and off many times in the four years I have had it and have lost count in the amount of times I have been on anti depressants, but why oh why does it get harder to deal with ever time it hits you, or is it just me, am I so weak that I can't fight this and everyone else can? I over think things, over explain myself, over react and really really feel like I am going mad!! My brain has never been so overactive (if I was like this in school I would have been a genius by now). I can't take it and I am soooo sick of the whole situation. I am constantly dreading something happening (what I have no idea), I used to be a really happy optamistic person and now if something good happens I am like, yeah wonder how long it will take till that turns to crap...oh look it just did. I can't help it I even hate the way this sounds as I am typing it I just wanna scream at myself get over it!!! But it won't go away :cry: Does anyone really and truely get over this or is it something that just hangs over you for the rest of your life, because I can't take this. I just want to feel normal again and happy. I don't want to feel like I am alone and some kind of freak because no one around me understands, I don't want to feel parranoid anymore or filled with dread. This is the worst thing I have ever experinced and I wish I could rip it out of me and stamp on it because I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of the fight :cry: [quote:d47714d9a0][/quote:d47714d9a0]
6 likes, 101 replies
neha67973 Hopeless
Posted
hi all .it's been quite a while I posted last time I was so depressed and disappointed with my life. but then something happened and it started changing my life. actually it's gonna sound really silly for others but it works for me .really it did .i was talking to some stranger in a park. I was sitting in a park .I was really quite and a English boy came to me .he was in his thirty. we started a conversation and it last for 2 hours. then he told me about his past that he was also hopeless in his life than somebody suggest him to watch Rocky movie (Silvestre Stallone) .well he said after watching first 4 or 5 series. he started feeling better and better and better. I started laughing and I told him. it's not possible. he suggest me to watch it .I said okay. but I didn't want to watch anything. well after two weeks I decide to watch that movie. well when I saw Rocky. I started feeling like him .when someone trust in you than you started feeling good and you started trusting yourself .OMG .I can't explain you .it' just change my life .I started believing in myself .I started loving myself .I am a different person now. well I don't feel sad anymore. I still remember those words when that boy told me that there will be no one on this earth who didn't saw Rocky movie. I thought he was silly .may be he was right. may be most of you saw Rocky movie .but I think you should watch in one more time .you need to find yourself in Rocky .I don't know it really worked for me .now I have only one desire to see Rocky I mean silvester Stallone face to face .just want to thanks him for changing my life.hopefully i
keiran86344 neha67973
Posted
neha67973 keiran86344
Posted
keiran86344 Hopeless
Posted
Hey I came across this accidentally while searching for ways to fix myself and I read your post hopeless and it is exactly the way I feel word for word everyday and I'm at the point im struggling so bad and can't take it anymore so was wondering if I could speak to you please asap as I don't know how many more days I can take this
Life23 Hopeless
Posted
I don't think you ever get back to yourself after depression hits that's sad thing about it .. you can get better but I believe you don't come back to yourself I've learned that from experience.. my depression started when I was 17 before that I was average teenager out with my friends every day genuinely happy then my world came down I'm now 19 and still haven't came back to my inner self 2 years i lost of my life over this you really just learn to deal with it but every time it hits you you think this is worse then before just got to try keep your sanity and hope one day you won't feel like that anymore but it will always be in back of your mind and that itself is frighting
robin82179 Hopeless
Posted
bernadette87384 Hopeless
Posted
rochelle1993 Hopeless
Posted
I feel exactly the same and I'm also scared and just want it to stop! I can't even leave my house I don't know what to do.???
vicky59709 Hopeless
Posted
Hi Hopeless,
I can totally get on how you feel in this situation. I am in it at the moment. I have been depressed for a while and the same thing i don't want to admit it. Until just last week I went to see a psychologist. But even then my mind have a negative thought do they really able to help me? Isn't it the key is in you?
I have a very supportive boyfriend, friends and family. The only problem I have know I felt so guilty everytime I have this feeling again... I need it the support but I also know how draining it is for them to always have to deal with me. Couple of my friends has given up on me which I won't blame them at all.
I am so sick to feel like this. I used to be the same like you are. I am very bubbly , funny and not giving a s**t at things. Now... every little things is a problem.
I force myself to get out of the bed everyday.. n praise myself for it. but then how long this is gonna happen? I am 32 years old and I don't get my s**t together. It's so embarrassing.
I told my friend the other day.. if anything this depression would be the worst thing that ever happen to me.
I start seeing other people testimony it freaked me out.. it seems like it will be a battle that never end. I don't want to always fight with myself. Life is hard enough already.
I try so many way to be positive because I want to get better so badly but what happen is it worked for one day or that moment and suddenly I am back to the same whole again.
All of this affecting my work and personal life. I have no tears anymore.. I am tried and exhausted.
I hope this doesn't dragging you down. I am glad just like you are, knowing I am not alone. I make a lists on why do I need to fight this?
I need to remind myself again what is the reason I need to overcome this...
I hope this tunnel will end soon.. and I ca finally said Yeah i have been there but I have gone through it and I come out strong.. that is the ideal thing that I am expecting to happen.
I hope you will find a way to help you too.