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I don't want to live anymore

Posted , 47 users are following.

JaredC
JaredC

The last couple years i've been dealing with what i'm told is depression. I've felt this way for really as long as i can remember just on and off and much more subtle but, ever since highschool graduation it's manifested into something i don't want to live with anymore. It's not an exageration when i say nothing brings me happiness anymore. I can't stand being around my friends, family, and i dropped out of university three weeks in because i can't bring myself to try.

I have reached out a few times. The first few people i reached out to don't really keep in touch and at it did hurt but now i feel indifferent towards it. I told my mom and she brought me to my family doctor who started me on cymbalta (which i went cold turkey after a month and a half) and zoloft (which recently i went cold turkey on after my family doct gave me tryptophan and i ended up in emergency with serotonin syndrome.) The drugs made me restless and even more numb to my feelings to the point where i honestly rather feel suicidal than nothing, because it's something.

At the time i was working a horrible job at the dollarstore where my manager used up every last drop of energy i had in me. I got a new job after that stocking shelves at Costco but quit after a day because i knew i couldnt keep up with everybody's upbeat and annoyingly postitive moral. After i quit i spent a month unemployed, alone, and feeling so fed up with myself i tried to commit suicide. I failed and that's about the time i went back for more help and was started on zoloft. After a fight with my parents i went and got a job working for Walmart doing overnight stocking, which i do right now to this day. It's better than the other jobs i've had but it's still something that i don't want to do because realistically i don't have to do it. Plus being an overnight deal it was making my sleeping pattern ridiculous to where i was sleeping only maybe 3-4 hours every couple of days.

So i tried a couple sleeping meds, none worked, went to emergency for SS, quit my meds. In a last try for help a couple days ago i reached out to my bestfriend and simply he explained that maybe the reason why none of the people in my life have been around is because they don't know how to help, or maybe they didn't want to say the wrong things. That put things into perspective a bit but not really enough to make a difference in the wat i'm feeling. He also told me he wanted me to see an actual specialist and suggested i find a new job.

I made an appointment to see a psycologist this wednesday, and have an interview monday morning. But the thing is that i don't want to get better anymore. I really don't see the point in living. I don't want anything. I don't care for people or really their feelings. I don't want to try another round of meds. I don't want to go through the new job process again. I don't want to tell some stranger with a degree things i've repeated a million times.

When i when to the hospital with SS i thought i was having a heart attack. For a moment i thought i was going to die and i knew i could fight or take flight, but i fought. So that must mean there's something inside of me that still wants to live, right? But ever since it happened i've been wishing i would of given up and died.

This honestly might be the last time i ever post here. Everyday i get farther and farther away from wanting to live. I need a reason to try. What's the point in living if you can't enjoy it? Is there really a point of seeing a shrink? or even finding a new job if i'm going to feel the same?

I'm fed up.

 

10 likes, 47 replies

47 Replies

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  • KM75
    KM75 JaredC

    Edited

    Hi Jared,

    I'm not going to tell you that things will definitely change for you, or that there is 'a point'. I can relate to so much of what you're feeling, and I know the hopelessness of where you're at. It is horrible, awful, and unfair.

    I will say this though. You came on this forum and reached out to strangers because regardless of whether you see it as looking for help or not, there's a part of you that wants to be seen for this pain you are in. Even if the only thing you want is to not feel the way you feel right now, that is still a want. And if you still want *something*, there is hope. So go see the psychologist - you never know. At the very least, they will recognise the despair you are in, and unlike your friends and family (and general doctors sometimes too) they *do* know what to say and do. They will listen to you. Give it a chance.

    Try not to focus too much on jobs or other things for now, just hold on to the fact that you want this one thing - to not feel how you feel now. It is the only thing that matters.

  • sueeliz
    sueeliz JaredC

    Edited

    I whole heartedly agree with what KM75 has written, I too can relate to what you are saying about how you feel. You are not alone there are 100's of us and every ounce of your human self will fight to stay alive. There is no quick fix no magic pill just fight and bloody hard work. I beleave people who suffer from depression are sensitive and deeply feeling, depression steals all your logical thinking and replaces it with self loathing and self distruction. It's not YOU it's the illness you are not depression it is invading you. It makes you think you are no one, it makes you think you don't want to live, it makes you believe you don't matter. There is only one jared01868 and this world needs you weather you like it or not.

    ​Take one day one hour one minute one second at a time, try everything the medics suggest, it might work. Follow the instructions to the letter, don't be stupid with your meds, antidrepressants need to be in your system for at least 3 months to get some effect. Most meds have horrible side effects but persevere they do go away. You're in a battle here I know you can't be bothered I know you just want to lay down and die but you can't so you may as well push yourself to fight.

     

  • lynne82155
    lynne82155 JaredC

    Edited

    Hey Jared

    You are doing all the right things

    Go and see your psych on Monday get the help you need and deserve.

    Get some therapy and find a support group.

    This forum is excellent your not alone

    Stay Strongcool

  • frank68910
    frank68910 JaredC

    Posted

    I can't add to what the others said in their replys except I would like to hear why you are fed up.  Can you share this?  I'm a pretty old guy.  I don't have to commit suicide I just have to wait a while longer and bam-I'm gone.  Why someone young would want to quit life when  you have all the time in the world to do whatever you want awaits is beyond my understanding.  Can you share this?  I hope you will Jared.  Maybe you can help me out a little.
    • JaredC
      JaredC frank68910

      Posted

      I'm fed up because i wake up and i don't want to do anything with my life. I know i'm young and i should be full of energy and living life but i have no interest in doing such. I hate that i can't stand the company of any of my friends and family. I hate that i can't accomplish anything because i can't focus on anything. I'm fed up because i know eventually i'm going to push everybody away and i won't have anything and there's nothing i can do about it. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that things will get better when i've been watching things get worse and worse. I'm disgusted in who i am becoming. I'm not expecting to have me and my life all sorted out, i was just expecting at this point of my life i'd actually want to find out what things i can do and achieve, but i don't. I've already started to notice my friends, especially my best friend is starting to back away from me, and it won't be long until i'm alone. I don't want to actually be alone, especially when i feel like i am all the time. It's like i'm torturing myself and i'd rather but an end to it before i hurt anybody else.
    • frank68910
      frank68910 JaredC

      Posted

      well Jared you can sure write well so you arent dumb.  Some of our worlds greatest intellectuals started out feeling alot like you.  Many people don't have brain enough to think outside the box or they don't give much thought about life they just go thru it. Tell me whats the best thing you like about yourself or what do you like to do best of all?  You sound alot like my son.  He died a few years back.  He was a good kid but wanted more out of life than just existing so he went up to Alaska and we all thought he would be home inside a week but he lived up there for 14 years and loved it.  He actually put a sail on a kayak  and made it to Russia and he got a job as a long line fisherman and got a little piece of land and built his own cabin-he died in a car accident on the AlCan highway.  But he was happy for those years.  Sometimes we get fed up with mundane life, you know?
    • JaredC
      JaredC frank68910

      Posted

      Sorry to hear about your son. And i'm sorry i can't give you an honest answer to your question because really i can't come up with an answer.
    • frank68910
      frank68910 JaredC

      Posted

      I am happy you are still here Jared.  It is okay that you don't have an answer.  When I was much younger I pretty much hated life and I couldn't say why, really.  I would have out of body expereiences.  Nothing fit.  Everything seemed so damn phony.  I think I hated life-my life anyway.  So I challenged everything.  dropped out of school and joined the military.  What a mistake in the beginning at least.  for me growing up under a dad who beat the hell out of us and hollered and hollered the military was the last thing I needed but then after basic I found my niche.  A purpose.

      just my thought and doesn't have to mean anything but I discovered that I am the Master of my fate and the captain of my soul, after all-like that saying goes.

      you know?

      I discovered that is the key.  We are what we think we are.

      We do what we want.  We don't need approval and if we don't seek it we sure as hell won't get it.

      I learned how to un-try.

      If I wanted to jump out of a plane or climb a mountain or write a book or jump off a bridge that was my perrogative.

      I think that was why my son lived his life the way he did.  I played the game.  you know-the parent, husband, father.  But I sure as heck didn't 'do' the things I wanted to do after I got married.  I played the role someone said we have to play.  I forgot that life is supposed to be

      some kind of BS magic.

      Well, I was wrong. When I was young and healthy and happy I didn't need to change anything. Someone said:  Life is wasted on the young.

      Thats it in a nut shell.  an old guy can look back and say wow-I wasted it.  a young guy or gal says-wow-is this it?  Is this all there is to life?  endless need?  need to be popular or different or the same or better looking or it would all be good without that pimple!  Long hair-short hair-

      you want to fit in but be fdifferent and darn it sucks to be me.

      I think you said alot when you said you didn't have an answer.  Thats enough.  It is honest-clean. 

      thanks.  It isn't everyday someone actually speaks the truth anynore.

    • JaredC
      JaredC frank68910

      Posted

      Can you explain what you meant by you learned to un-try? So, what would you suggest i do?

      And really i should be thanking you, the last couple days reading your comments were all i really had to look forward to. Appreciate it.

    • Has877
      Has877 JaredC

      Posted

      I know these posts are old, but I relate to what you’ve posted especially about being young and not wanting to do anything. I’m wondering if anything has changed for you? 
    • Casper8986
      Casper8986 Has877

      Posted

      Hey, I'm in the same boat. I feel exactly like this and I don't think we'll be getting a response anytime soon with how old the post is. If you need to talk to someone who most likely knows how you're feeling, feel free to message me

    • christie24680
      christie24680 Casper8986

      Posted

      Hey, I feeling the same. Struggling to get through this. Everyday I just feel like I don’t want to be here anymore. My mum is getting upset because I told her how I felt. I have been on antidepressants for 5 weeks now, apparently they take 6-8 weeks before they kick in but it’s taking forever. My whole family is full on supporting me. I know this is an illness. But arghh I just want this cloud above my head and weight on my chest to go away. Would be good to talk to someone like you who is also going through this. Each day when my brother talks to me who went through it he makes me feel better but hours after talking I spiral back down. 
    • Casper8986
      Casper8986 christie24680

      Posted

      I can completely understand; waiting for antidepressants to kick in can really knock you down a notch. Drop me a personal message!smile
  • frank68910
    frank68910 JaredC

    Posted

    wow Jared-thanks alot.  I think I was at a point in my life when I felt like:  Is this all there is?  or, why do I feel this way?  or why do I have to perform like some damn puppet?  And even that isn't really hitting it on the head.  I didn't feel right-I was in someone elses skin and people didn't think like me or get waht I was trying to say.  I was me and me wasn't what they were seeing.  So many different things.  If I was sitting still I wanted to do something else-boredom or anxiety or just put the damn brakes on and let it all slide on past me.  So I went in this un-trying zone-checked out and didn't care anymore.  So when I stopped playing the game peope-friends started backing off.  Or thats what I thought.  I think I was sending them wrong signals-they wern't getting it.  It never dawned on me that they were in their own world and me in mine and -well-it seemed so futile. 
    • JaredC
      JaredC frank68910

      Posted

      Thank you for giving me something to think about.
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