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I don't want to live anymore

Posted , 47 users are following.

JaredC
JaredC

The last couple years i've been dealing with what i'm told is depression. I've felt this way for really as long as i can remember just on and off and much more subtle but, ever since highschool graduation it's manifested into something i don't want to live with anymore. It's not an exageration when i say nothing brings me happiness anymore. I can't stand being around my friends, family, and i dropped out of university three weeks in because i can't bring myself to try.

I have reached out a few times. The first few people i reached out to don't really keep in touch and at it did hurt but now i feel indifferent towards it. I told my mom and she brought me to my family doctor who started me on cymbalta (which i went cold turkey after a month and a half) and zoloft (which recently i went cold turkey on after my family doct gave me tryptophan and i ended up in emergency with serotonin syndrome.) The drugs made me restless and even more numb to my feelings to the point where i honestly rather feel suicidal than nothing, because it's something.

At the time i was working a horrible job at the dollarstore where my manager used up every last drop of energy i had in me. I got a new job after that stocking shelves at Costco but quit after a day because i knew i couldnt keep up with everybody's upbeat and annoyingly postitive moral. After i quit i spent a month unemployed, alone, and feeling so fed up with myself i tried to commit suicide. I failed and that's about the time i went back for more help and was started on zoloft. After a fight with my parents i went and got a job working for Walmart doing overnight stocking, which i do right now to this day. It's better than the other jobs i've had but it's still something that i don't want to do because realistically i don't have to do it. Plus being an overnight deal it was making my sleeping pattern ridiculous to where i was sleeping only maybe 3-4 hours every couple of days.

So i tried a couple sleeping meds, none worked, went to emergency for SS, quit my meds. In a last try for help a couple days ago i reached out to my bestfriend and simply he explained that maybe the reason why none of the people in my life have been around is because they don't know how to help, or maybe they didn't want to say the wrong things. That put things into perspective a bit but not really enough to make a difference in the wat i'm feeling. He also told me he wanted me to see an actual specialist and suggested i find a new job.

I made an appointment to see a psycologist this wednesday, and have an interview monday morning. But the thing is that i don't want to get better anymore. I really don't see the point in living. I don't want anything. I don't care for people or really their feelings. I don't want to try another round of meds. I don't want to go through the new job process again. I don't want to tell some stranger with a degree things i've repeated a million times.

When i when to the hospital with SS i thought i was having a heart attack. For a moment i thought i was going to die and i knew i could fight or take flight, but i fought. So that must mean there's something inside of me that still wants to live, right? But ever since it happened i've been wishing i would of given up and died.

This honestly might be the last time i ever post here. Everyday i get farther and farther away from wanting to live. I need a reason to try. What's the point in living if you can't enjoy it? Is there really a point of seeing a shrink? or even finding a new job if i'm going to feel the same?

I'm fed up.

 

10 likes, 47 replies

47 Replies

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  • nina53506
    nina53506 JaredC

    Posted

    I feel the same exact way where I don't want to live anymore I really don't. I'm not numb to my feelings tho I wish I was kinda.... but being emotionless or being in constant emotional pain... both aren't good...and I don't think one is better than the other.

    We both don't want live... I'm in my 20s we both might be around the same age. Idk. But you're probably tired of trying to better yourself because it seems as tho nothing's working and things are the same way...that's what I feel...but I'm only still alive because I have family and if I end my own life...I'll make theirs a living hell. I don't want to do that to them. I'm sure there's someone family or not who cares. You're afraid of pushing people away? Well just think of how they would feel if you ended your life. In the meantime while I'm still living for these people..I'm still trying to better myself...I might as well since I have to stay here for a while. I hate it tho and I can relate to how it is. We just gotta keep trying and make the best out of it somehow. Besides we both aren't psychics...how do we know if we don't keep putting in the hard work for it, it won't make up for it in the future? You never really know... how long it's going to take or if it's going to remain. You don't know that fursure. You don't want to hurt anyone and it'll make it worse if you killed yourself. Might as well keep trying and just find out what's going to happen while we're here lol.

  • farah92058
    farah92058 JaredC

    Posted

    Dear, Jared it is not only you have that feelings... I feel the same as well. I fed up, and don't see any point of living(((

  • michelle_46636
    michelle_46636 JaredC

    Posted

    Hi Jared,

    I hope you're alive and at least feeling a little more hopeful than you felt nine months ago. All I can add Is, "as long as there is life there is hope." I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but some point in life I think we all turn the death genes into action. 

    I have no solutions or plan of action, but maybe if you can connect and truly love just one person or creature on this earth maybe it might just be enough to get you though, one day at a time.

     Michelle

  • ryan59581
    ryan59581 JaredC

    Posted

    Jared,

    I'm Ryan. I found this thread because I googled "I don't want to live anymore". I googled this phrase because, on many days, I don't want to live. I say that just so it will make sense when I say that I am familiar with feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, disconnection, being lost, and despair. While reading what you are and have been struggling with, I was amazed. You are an amazing person! To be able to fight through what you have and come out the other end an articulate, well-spoken ("written" in this case), sensitive person with such high standards for oneself is truly awesome. Well done! I hope you are taking care of yourself and treating yourself with the love and compassion that you deserve (even though you might not feel like you do). If you can, will you check in on here to let us know how you're doing? I have followed this thread.

    Keep being awesome, buddy!

    With warmth,

    Ryan

    • JaredC
      JaredC ryan59581

      Posted

      Hey Ryan,

      I'm alive and doing well enough to live, still it's been rough. It throws me off that this thread even pops up even near the top when googled, but i guess that's what i get for being articulate.

      I still don't know what i'm doing, and i still have some really bad days. I haven't attempted since; 636 days since my last fatal attempt actually. 

      Thanks for reaching out, sharing, and the kind words. Hopefully you're doing better than the last time you googled "I don't want to live anymore."

       

  • kauri76238
    kauri76238 JaredC

    Posted

    I honestly understand how you feel.. I know what it is like going through depression. I myself feel I don't want to live because certain things don't interest me anymore because the more the merrier the more I am depressed, because I think to myself "what makes them so happy?" "Positive?" "Why can't I experienced that feeling?" Etc.. nothing in this world can make me feel at home other than inviting death. Death is what will make these re occuring things that irritate other people go away and everyone will be in peace. No more depression. No more suicidal thoughts. 😞

    • Patient
      Patient kauri76238

      Posted

      Hi kauri76238

      We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

      If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

      Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

      If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

      Kindest regards

      Patient

  • Nairagia
    Nairagia JaredC

    Posted

    Do you still feel like you don't want to feel anymore? Because I know I don't. I have parents that love me, a sister that adores me but they all stay almost a day sway from where I live right now because of my job. I am a loner and I'm emotionally close to my family. In the past onew year, since I started working here, I've missed each and every one of the celebrations back home and I hate it here. People hate me, or tend to after a while. That's kind of how I am. I know they do because people have always hated me. I don't kno why. Ever since childhood this kept happening over and over again. And it's painful. But I want to live for the people who love me. So I have to stop feeling the pain I guess? I don't know. I read that pets help cope with depression and I have two beautiful birds with me here. It's probably why I'm not deeper into this. But I feel like I'm doing a lot of injustice to them every moment of the day and I'm tired. I want to end it because I'm owe it to my family for all their love. I can't just take that away. So I just want to be numb so everything just goes on like it should. Yes I think of self harm, I won't deny it. But I never attempted coz I'm just too afraid. I hate this. But I want to know if this will pass. Maybe it will help someway....

    • michelle_46636
      michelle_46636 Nairagia

      Posted

      Nairagia, sometimes when we spend too much time thinking about our thoughts and feelings it may cause more depression. You might try doing volunteer work to relieve your thoughts and pain. Their is always someone that can use your support and the volunteer work in your community will always change how you experience your pain or at a minimum lessen it.
  • 9999
    9999 JaredC

    Posted

    I feel like this too. It's on and off drives me insane. I will never be happy. I'm always dwelling on everything and I hate it. My thoughts are driving me to the brink. I stay alive because of my family especially my mother. She's the only one that I think of when I try to do something. Even smiling with my family is hard when I don't have anything to smile for. I'm a mess my whole life is too. I have a void in my heart. Just pure emptiness and sadness imagining when all this pain will go away. I hope one day soon I d*e in my sleep. I'm so tired of myself. Tired of trying. I don't want to get better either. I don't think I could anyways. I have too much problems. I'm glad you are still holding on. Hope the rest of you are too. Maybe some day we will be happy.💪💕💖💖🙏

  • jason76691
    jason76691 JaredC

    Posted

    I felt just like you before and i wish i could say it got better but i dont want to just end my life, i wish all of life period would end for everybody and everything. I wish the sun would explode...
  • Anonymous51
    Anonymous51 JaredC

    Posted

    Hi Jared,

    I found your post because of my closely related search. I've sat here for 30 minutes just reading this entire forum and seeing people's compassion towards you made me feel a little better. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for some time now; not to the point where I have attempted yet. I am stuck because right now I feel like I am being a decent person in society by going to school; a good school; even if that means s****y grades. In reality I don't want to be here, but my fear of what I might do next scares me into staying in this hell hole. I am glad to hear you're still around. I guess I am posting because I wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I feel so unmotivated to keep going, I feel like a drone every time I have to struggle through the day. Thank you for sharing your feelings, I hope things get better for you.

  • JaredC
    JaredC

    Posted

    Two years later and it's still been a roller coaster. Five days ago i attempted again and i just recently got out of the hospital. It's not easy whenever you try and reach out and nobody wants to hear how bad you've been feeling and/or they just think you're doing it for raw attention. I don't think people genuinely care about me anymore. I can't even manage to properly end my own life. I've started drinking and smoking heavily again, when i return to work i can most certainly guarantee i've been terminated. I don't know what to do anymore.

    I'm screwed and it my fault i'm in this position. Soon i'll have nothing and nobody. 

    Maybe then i'll die.

    • ryan59581
      ryan59581 JaredC

      Posted

      Jared,

      I’m sorry you’re still struggling. I’m glad you didn’t die. One thing that helps me when I’m down is reading about depression. Have you tried this? Two books on the subject that helped me are Korb’s “The Upward Spiral” and Hillman’s “Suicide and the Soul”. 

      Hang in there!

      Ryan

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