I don't want to live anymore

The last couple years i've been dealing with what i'm told is depression. I've felt this way for really as long as i can remember just on and off and much more subtle but, ever since highschool graduation it's manifested into something i don't want to live with anymore. It's not an exageration when i say nothing brings me happiness anymore. I can't stand being around my friends, family, and i dropped out of university three weeks in because i can't bring myself to try.

I have reached out a few times. The first few people i reached out to don't really keep in touch and at it did hurt but now i feel indifferent towards it. I told my mom and she brought me to my family doctor who started me on cymbalta (which i went cold turkey after a month and a half) and zoloft (which recently i went cold turkey on after my family doct gave me tryptophan and i ended up in emergency with serotonin syndrome.) The drugs made me restless and even more numb to my feelings to the point where i honestly rather feel suicidal than nothing, because it's something.

At the time i was working a horrible job at the dollarstore where my manager used up every last drop of energy i had in me. I got a new job after that stocking shelves at Costco but quit after a day because i knew i couldnt keep up with everybody's upbeat and annoyingly postitive moral. After i quit i spent a month unemployed, alone, and feeling so fed up with myself i tried to commit suicide. I failed and that's about the time i went back for more help and was started on zoloft. After a fight with my parents i went and got a job working for Walmart doing overnight stocking, which i do right now to this day. It's better than the other jobs i've had but it's still something that i don't want to do because realistically i don't have to do it. Plus being an overnight deal it was making my sleeping pattern ridiculous to where i was sleeping only maybe 3-4 hours every couple of days.

So i tried a couple sleeping meds, none worked, went to emergency for SS, quit my meds. In a last try for help a couple days ago i reached out to my bestfriend and simply he explained that maybe the reason why none of the people in my life have been around is because they don't know how to help, or maybe they didn't want to say the wrong things. That put things into perspective a bit but not really enough to make a difference in the wat i'm feeling. He also told me he wanted me to see an actual specialist and suggested i find a new job.

I made an appointment to see a psycologist this wednesday, and have an interview monday morning. But the thing is that i don't want to get better anymore. I really don't see the point in living. I don't want anything. I don't care for people or really their feelings. I don't want to try another round of meds. I don't want to go through the new job process again. I don't want to tell some stranger with a degree things i've repeated a million times.

When i when to the hospital with SS i thought i was having a heart attack. For a moment i thought i was going to die and i knew i could fight or take flight, but i fought. So that must mean there's something inside of me that still wants to live, right? But ever since it happened i've been wishing i would of given up and died.

This honestly might be the last time i ever post here. Everyday i get farther and farther away from wanting to live. I need a reason to try. What's the point in living if you can't enjoy it? Is there really a point of seeing a shrink? or even finding a new job if i'm going to feel the same?

I'm fed up.

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