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I don't want to live anymore but I'm scared of hurting myself.

Posted , 13 users are following.

john81603
john81603

I'm 20 years old. Throughout my life and school life, I've been bullied. At school, the bullies used to call me ugly every day and laugh at me. They made fun of the way I looked, the way I walked, my voice, everything. They made me hate myself which is still ongoing today. If I could change myself into another person, I would do it in a heartbeat. I was bullied for years which stunted my social growth. I became withdrawn and I stopped socializing with people for the most part. I only had a few friends. This continued for the rest of my school years all the way until I graduated. I made barely any friends and I have no lasting memories. I never went to prom and I never really was involved in school programs and I also didn't have a friend group. Now I'm out of school and I work but I'm still living at home and I don't make that much money. To this day, I have no friends and my dating life is non-existant. I have very low self-esteem from being called ugly all those years, so I'm very self-loathing and depressed about that. Some days I feel so ugly that I don't leave the house or I wear a hat to conceal my face. Don't lie to me and say that "everyone is beautiful" because that's not true. Looks matter and when you're born ugly, the world will treat you accordingly. I wish I was born with good looks, if I was then I wouldn't have experienced the bullying and my social life would've been bettter. Every day I obsess in my mind over what it must be like being a good looking person. I also think about how I hate that I was victimized and bullied throughout my life. Sometimes I get enraged thinking about it and I sit in my room until my anger subsides. I have a lot of anger deep inside about it. Sometimes I just wish I could have the courage to end my life. I'm too scared of hurting myself so I think about it sometimes but I can't take action. I just want the pain to be over. I'm tired of being a loser, that's all I've been for my whole life. I'm just the person that everyone puts down and laughs at. I've literally been a laughing stock for people for most of my life. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm completely hopeless and I have a bleak outlook on life. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fear and also I think about my family and how they'd deal with it. I hate my life. People say that life "gets better" after you suffer from bullying and abuse but it doesn't and it never will. You're just left with the scars and pain from it. I just wish it could be over. I never asked to be born, I never asked for bad looks, and I never asked to be bullied. 

6 likes, 60 replies

60 Replies

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  • anna17409
    anna17409 john81603

    Posted

    You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. As they say " beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder". Dont let others who are mean get to you. You have to ignore these meanies who probably have their own inferiority complex to deal with. Put your mind to something you love doing. To hell with those who love to hurt you. Life may have a lot of bad stuff in it but there is a lot if good stuff too. You just have to consciously look for it. You are just giving these people who dont really count, a lot of importance. Put them out of your thoughts. Ignore them. Once they realise you are not bothered they will stop. So dont give up and go on with your life and good things will definitely come your way.

    • john81603
      john81603 anna17409

      Posted

      I've been waiting for "good things" to come since I was about 10 years old. That's around when all of this started. People have been saying that to me since then. It never improves. It's not easy to just forget all of the stuff that they did. Social rejection and bullying takes its toll on a person and there's only so much of it that you can go through before it starts to affect you. It hurts that most of my childhood memories are filled with people bullying me. I just want to feel like a normal person.

  • Laserbeam
    Laserbeam john81603

    Posted

    Being ugly isn't as bad as being born cripled or blind right? You're only 20 and have so muck to look forward to. I hope some day you can look in a mirror and see the cool person that you are. Looks and money won't buy happiness.

    I'm 58 and was recently laid off from a job that I loved. I am suicidal and seeing a therapist because I don't want to hurt myself. I have a million dollar house paid off and money in the bank but can't seem to get happy

    • john81603
      john81603 Laserbeam

      Posted

      It may not be "as bad", but for me it's been the cause of my bullying and social rejection. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Looks and money may not "buy" happiness, but it's a fact that good looking people are more confident and have better social and romantic lives.

  • bytheseaside
    bytheseaside john81603

    Posted

    I'm so sorry life dealt you these terrible blows john81603, hugs! Yes, anger and resentment, self loathing, the desire to end it, the sadness, are things I know all about as well. I do. I was abused as a kid and judged terribly as an adult and those two things combined have made my inner life very hard to deal with. I can relate to your pain. You are not alone my friend. You are not alone. There's also the reality that you're not as 'ugly' as you think or feel. When it comes down to it, looks don't matter to decent people, what matters is who you are within yourself, all the good qualities. I'm in my 40's so I know both sides of that coin. Don't give up john81603, stay strong, keep facing life and reaching out. You're a good person, that's the main thing. It's all that matters. 

    • john81603
      john81603 bytheseaside

      Posted

      I do believe that I'm ugly and I've been treated as such throughout my life. I do feel like being born ugly was the single worst thing to ever happen to me. My only chance at happiness at this point is surgery. I'm currently trying to save money so I can afford cosmetic surgery some time in the future. I'm never going to be happy as long as I'm still ugly and I plan to change that. 

    • bytheseaside
      bytheseaside john81603

      Posted

      I understand, sure. If you feel that it's your pathway to happiness then, yes, all the best. We all deserve to be happy. 

  • Ranger507
    Ranger507 john81603

    Posted

    This was a little heartbreaking to read I must say however you must try and fight on through this, even though life may have dealt you a slightly worse hand than most people you need to think of the positives of not being Born with a severe condition or something of that nature. Yes I know that isn't exactly what you want to hear, but the truth is if you don't take positives or try to from your situation then your self loathing and social anxiety will only get worse, go out find new hobbies meet some new people, leave that comfort zone you have because until you branch out from this rut you find yourself in you will continue to be stuck in the loop, Good luck my friend, and believe me you are not alone

    • john81603
      john81603 Ranger507

      Posted

      I appreciate the nice words but I'm tired of fighting through it. I didn't ask to be dealt a worse hand than most people. I didn't ask for all the bullying and all the bad memories. I don't want to go on for the rest of my life like this. Those memories will never go away. I just want it to be over.

    • Ranger507
      Ranger507 john81603

      Posted

      Let the bad memories motivate you, think of working towards being better than these people whether it be in a work/financial sense or a social sense, this reaction is what these people want! Do you really want to say they won? Do you really want to surrender that easy? You have much to live for you are young, yes there may be bad memories in the past but there is ALOT more time for good memories in the future
    • john81603
      john81603 Ranger507

      Posted

      I think in a way, they have already won. They took away my childhood, ruined my self-esteem, ruined my sense of self-image, and hindered my social growth. I guess the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I can be better one day. Hopefully one day things will start improving for me.
    • Ranger507
      Ranger507 john81603

      Posted

      Well, you admitting defeat to them does mean they have won sadly, the only thing to do now is look to the future, forget the childhood, as they say **** happens, yeah it sucks we all aren't perfect and hey even I experienced a little bullying at school but we just have to move on, why dwell on it? It happened in the past which is already over, we must set our minds to the future and hoping to improve on it. Karma is a bitch friend and there time will come, as will yours ( but in a good way)

      Keep the chin up

    • john81603
      john81603 Ranger507

      Posted

      I don't believe in Karma. Sometimes bad people get away with things and sometimes bad things happen to good people. The people who bullied me were some of the most popular people in the school. They had the friends and popularity. I have no choice but to acknowledge that they won. I won't lie to myself. They got to enjoy their childhoods, they had friends, they had social lives, etc.. So how did they not win? I get what you're saying but I feel as though I have every right to be angry. I was wronged. I did nothing, I had no choice in the way I look. Those memories are always going to stay with me. That's why I feel the way I do. I want the bad memories to go away permanently. I want all the embarassment, resentment, shame, and regret go away. Maybe if I die, I can be born again as a good looking person and lead a better life.

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 john81603

      Posted

      Let the pain you've endured make you stronger and keep moving forward. Don't focus on the past anymore it can't hurt you unless you let it. Don't focus on your negative thoughts but on positive ones if you don't have positive thoughts. Feed your mind with them. Gain your confidence. Talk to yourself in positive ways. Affirmations. smile Be happy. "You can't have a positive Life in a negative mind." I understand what you've been through but don't let it hurt you NOW. Move forward and persevere. Ignore those thoughts. Focus on the Present for the past you can not change no more.

  • wendyj1980
    wendyj1980 john81603

    Posted

    I feel for you. Although my situation is not the same as yours, I, like you, am to the point that I'd like to end it but am afraid to. I want to live but not this life. I don't know what to do. Just so you know, there are others like you.

    • john81603
      john81603 wendyj1980

      Posted

      I guess it's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like some people are just not meant to be happy. It's just not fair.

    • anna17409
      anna17409 john81603

      Posted

      Everyone on this earth have equal rights to be happy. We just have to set our atitudes right. We make ourselves depressed unnecessarily thinking of past trauma or barking up the wrong tree. Even if this is pointed out to us we still persist with this sort of thought process. I read about a young woman who lost her arms and legs to disease and yet she has found the strength to not only live but be happy and even learn to dance with prosthetics. We all need to learn from such stories. Tell ourselves that our lives are much better than many others and we have no business wallowing in self pity and depression. When i feel the anxiety coming on i talk to myself saying that i am being silly and i need to make more productive use of my time.
    • john81603
      john81603 anna17409

      Posted

      I reject the idea that I shouldn't be allowed to feel certain ways because someone may have a worse life than me. I didn't ask to be born ugly, so I have every right to be angry at the fact that I had to face bullying, social rejection, and other hardships due to something that I had no control over. Do you think that I like the fact that my childhood is filled with those memories? Do you know how embarrassing it is to say that I've been a victim for most of my life? Do you know what it's like to be called ugly on a daily basis, face emotional abuse at home, get falsely accused of things at school, get beat up and assaulted at school, and have to live with those memories? If not, then I think it's insulting to tell me how I should feel about it.

    • anna17409
      anna17409 john81603

      Posted

      I am sorry but i did not mean to hurt your feelings. You have every right to be angry at what you went through. But the only way forward is try not to look back. I know it is hard but right now you need to survive this trauma and the only way is to put the past behind you somehow. Let them not have the satisfaction of having destroyed your life beyond redemption thats all.
    • john81603
      john81603 anna17409

      Posted

      It's okay, I'm sorry for lashing out. I just get really sensitive and angry over this subject.

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