I don't want to live anymore but I'm scared of hurting myself.

I'm 20 years old. Throughout my life and school life, I've been bullied. At school, the bullies used to call me ugly every day and laugh at me. They made fun of the way I looked, the way I walked, my voice, everything. They made me hate myself which is still ongoing today. If I could change myself into another person, I would do it in a heartbeat. I was bullied for years which stunted my social growth. I became withdrawn and I stopped socializing with people for the most part. I only had a few friends. This continued for the rest of my school years all the way until I graduated. I made barely any friends and I have no lasting memories. I never went to prom and I never really was involved in school programs and I also didn't have a friend group. Now I'm out of school and I work but I'm still living at home and I don't make that much money. To this day, I have no friends and my dating life is non-existant. I have very low self-esteem from being called ugly all those years, so I'm very self-loathing and depressed about that. Some days I feel so ugly that I don't leave the house or I wear a hat to conceal my face. Don't lie to me and say that "everyone is beautiful" because that's not true. Looks matter and when you're born ugly, the world will treat you accordingly. I wish I was born with good looks, if I was then I wouldn't have experienced the bullying and my social life would've been bettter. Every day I obsess in my mind over what it must be like being a good looking person. I also think about how I hate that I was victimized and bullied throughout my life. Sometimes I get enraged thinking about it and I sit in my room until my anger subsides. I have a lot of anger deep inside about it. Sometimes I just wish I could have the courage to end my life. I'm too scared of hurting myself so I think about it sometimes but I can't take action. I just want the pain to be over. I'm tired of being a loser, that's all I've been for my whole life. I'm just the person that everyone puts down and laughs at. I've literally been a laughing stock for people for most of my life. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm completely hopeless and I have a bleak outlook on life. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fear and also I think about my family and how they'd deal with it. I hate my life. People say that life "gets better" after you suffer from bullying and abuse but it doesn't and it never will. You're just left with the scars and pain from it. I just wish it could be over. I never asked to be born, I never asked for bad looks, and I never asked to be bullied. 

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