I feel like a fraud!

Posted , 6 users are following.

Lately i've been thinking that i cant be depressed! ( i'm such a f@*! up me, a couple of days ago i was convinced i was bipolar! lmao)

I keep reading about other peoples experiences and mine dont seem to fit in! I can get out of bed in the morning, i'm at my best in the morning the world is full of opportunities! At night is when it all gets to me and i realise i'm all alone. maybe i'm not depressed but just lonely?

I've had no side affects from the fluoxetine, my sleep pattern has always been irregular and my dreams have always been bad!

But then i have felt worse than i feel now. 3 to 4 years ago i could barely move or stop crying, it took all my effort to look after my daughter and keep working. I used to lie awake at night fantising about bathing in bleach and cutting my own skin off! (sorry if anyones eating! :oops: ) I couldn't stand anyone to come near me, even my daughter! I feel very ashamed of what i put her though.

I'm over that bit now, i've tried soo hard over the years to change, to be a better person! then ever 2 to 3 years i falls to pieces!

I started this jornery 18 months ago! it's taken along time for someone to actually listen to me, i've been turned down before because i'm always trying to be positive and active! Who knew that trying to help yourself would alienate you! :shock:

Yesterday i felt good, how could i be depressed? i have my little routine and all is good in the world. Then i relise i'm still stuck in my own little bubble, i dont venture out of my comfort zone. i wont put myself in a situation where i dont know the outcome. Does this make sense? By example, i wont ring or text people in case they dont answer because then i would get myself worked up! I dont go into town because i'm frightened i will bump into the people who have hurt me the most and that will open up a whole can of worms and i never want to go there again!

Even as i'm writing this it makes no sense.

In the past 24 hours i've gone from happy and content to angry because someone had posted a comment on facebook that all kids need their dad! (i'm a single mum, dad isn't in the picture he died 5 yrs ago) It was completely irrational, it's just a comment! :oops:

This morning i've been on the verge of tears walking around tesco :shock: And i dont really know why, i mean i dont really like tescos but its nothing to get upset about!

What the flipping eck is wrong with me? My life makes no sense!

I know i've been depressed in the past, but i dont feel like that now. Does that mean that i was depressed then and not now, or i have bouts of depression or is it aways there and sometimes i can cope and tame it and other times i cant. I do feel like abit of a fraud when i read other posts! i dont feel that despair! But then i look at my previous post and i must have felt that :?

I've had to come home to post this because there is noone i can talk to about this, it would make no sense to anyone. There must be something wrong with me to be blabbering on here like an idiot!

I'm sorry i'll stop now!

I wish i could make sense of what i feel, then it would be easier to talk. i feel like such a contridiction!

Next week i will probably go mad and start an insane rant about jam!! :lol:

Oh Melbi, if you read this the carrot cake was abit rubbish! Maybe thats what started all this? my crap skills in the kitchen!

I'm sorry to take up your time, ignore me if this sounds like a load of rubbish!

the orb fairy.

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    don't stress (yeah I know easier said than done :wink: ) you aren't alone in thinking like this.

    I look back at how I was feeling last year and then to now and things don't seem as bad, don't know if the meds make it easier to cope but all the s*#! is still there and it clubs me over the head when I am least expecting it. can have really good day, sometimes even 2 in a row :shock: but then can come crashing down. Just seem to float along most of the time, no real enthusiasm for anything but at least trying.

    good that you have a time of day that is best for you - mine seems to vary but it seems to be can function when around others but not on my own, cause it all crowds in and goes dark. bit pants really.

    The reaction you have had to the facebook comment isn't irrational. the person who posted it has made a huge generalisation and hasn't thought about the potential hurt a message like that could cause.

    cause of the nature of depression everybody has a different experience. just because you don't 'fit the categories' doesn't mean it isn't there. I have been dealing with this on and off for 15 years or so and it is only now that I have started opening up fully that I seem to be getting closer to recieving the help I need/want. Lots of people don't even realise how I feel cause I am always trying to be cheerful, helpful etc and I think in the past that has meant I haven't been taken seriously. oh yeah might be mad but I sometimes think depression is like a parasite that gets drug resistant. you get it, you sucumb, it takes you over, you fight it, learn to live with it and for a while all is fine but then it jumps back wearing a different dress and is all clashing colours and argh panic you don't have the matching items to make it blend back into the background so you are stuck with it attacking you while you go through the whole cycle again. I now have a very random picture in my head of this little vicious imp with a really bad wardrobe - sorry seem to have gone off on a bizare little ramble there lol

    Off to draw my weird depression imp now but will be around later if you need it, you can always pm me anytime as well.

    take it easy and sorry for the ramble

    Girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Thanks for replying. Depression is pants isnt it! Theres no pattern to it. I cant get my thoughts together at the moment! It doesnt help that while i'm trying to write this my daughter and my niece are trashing my house and chasing each other around and just grenerally being kids.

    I cant stay long, i've a dirty nappy to change and a bath to run and then a wall to bang my head against!

    I like your description of your imp.lol Maybe you could use that image, you know like when you get nervous speaking in front of people and your supposed to think of them all naked! that type of thing!

    Anyway thanks for your reply.

    The same goes here you know, if you ever want to ramble!

    Ramblings good and should happen more often :wink:

    Speak soon Girl

    The orb fairy.

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  • Posted

    Hi again Girl,

    I have peace for 5 mins!yeah I've only been taking flu for about 11 weeks now but doesnt seem to have any affect! I'm still as up and down as always.

    Know what you mean about not being taken seriously, if you can smile and laugh then obviously your not depressed! it makes me want to scream at them that i might have lost my mind but i didnt lose my sense of humour! And i see from your previous posts that you work in a pub and that job is all about putting on a front for the customers! I'm off work at the moment because i cant keep it up anymore.

    Did you draw your imp?

    I feel like mine is several different things, monsters! One is full of rage and hate, its all black and twisted, another is full of shame and self loathing, yet another full of guilt and at the other end of the scale theres the one thats abit like the princess in the film 'Enchanted', she believes everyone is good and there is no evil in the world!

    They all take turns to whisper in my ears and dance in my head, and theres no pattern to it.

    Ha, now i sound like i've got a split personality!lol

    Maybe the fact that i have a young child makes me get out of bed, who else is going to feed her, dress her, shout at her when shes to busy looking at the clouds to get in the flipping car because now we're late for school!! Its when she goes to bed that it all starts falling apart.

    Gotta go before they drown each other.

    Take care Girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    Hope you have got a bit more peace and quiet now.

    I wish I wasn't working cause I really can't cope but at the same time if I didn't work i wouldn't be able to pay my rent. that said the main reasons I carry on are that I know from previous experience that I have to keep some routine going otherwise everything becomes too much and also that at least it gives me something to do in the evenings - which is often when I feel worst. OK so still feel terrible at work and sometimes I am almost in tears before I start but the period of time I am on my own before I go to sleep should be alot less. That is until you get nights like last night when I didn't get to sleep til after 4am!! and yes I had been working. The harder part is my glass making - I am the only one who can get it done and I have ignored galleries and orders over the past year cause the day to day is too much. Don't know how to get that sorted when I can't seem to sort this out at the moment. GRRR

    I tried to draw my imp but I think it is better left in my head cause although I am a self employed artist my drawing is rubbish. :oops: That image just came to me as I was typing, had never thought about it like that before. Just like you I see myself as having more than one monster but don't even feel I can describe them tonight. Random thought re this subject - if you have ever seen Red Dwarf there is an episode where Rimmer is face with all his inner demons - I think alot of them are ones I can relate to - self loathing being one of them. sad Sorry if you have no idea what I am waffling on about I forget quite how long ago that series was on.

    how much flu are you on?? it took quite a while to get the levels right for me and that did sometimes mean even changing to a different AD. what does you gp say about the fact your moods continue to fluctuate so much?

    Anyway we still have snow down here although ice slush is probably a better term for it now. did manage to chose a new phone and contract today but didn't order it. at least I got something done.

    Take care

    Girl

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  • Posted

    LOL Orb, the Tesco comment made me laugh :D

    Looks to me like you 2 are doing great with the rambling, it will be doing you both more good than you realise just now.

    Orb depression can & does affect people in lots of different ways - so stop thinking yourself as a fraud :roll:

    Although I no longer need AD's I still have times when I feel the demons are coming back :shock:

    I don't know if, like Girl says, I have just learnt to deal with it and fight it without the need for drugs or what :?

    I know only too well that one day I might not be able to fight it and end up back on the AD's. I didn't need them for 16 years then out of the blue it attacked me again and squashed me into the ground. I often wonder how long I'll go this time before it returns - but I don't dwell on it.

    Is it a case of once a deressive, always a depressive? Who knows??? At least if I can manage another 16 years, the next time it arrives I'll be retired so won't have the added stress & worry of employment.

    I've suffered depression on and off since the age of 14, although at the time the doctors told my mum it was 'just' my hormones! :shock: Little did they know that, that was the start of a very long, bumpy road for my life.

    Looking back though, I think it is safe to say that I have had more better times than bad times - doesn't seem like that at the time though! :oops:

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Yes i do remember red dwarf, i used to love it especially cat! the episode your talking about sounds familiar but as always i cant quite recall it ( i have a shocking memory!) I didnt understand the glass thing, do you make glass, not glass!, glass shaped things! lol you can tell i'm no artist :lol: An artist, that must be magical, your mind must be filled with colours and shapes and all the beautiful things in the world. imagination will hold no bonds for you! I'd love a gift like that, i'm abit more anal, happy with numbers and figures! Get genuinely excited doing the stocks at work, love solving problems but crap at sudoku!!

    I'm on 20mg a day, my gp hasnt said anything but i'm waiting for an appointment with a psychartrist to assess my depression.

    Didnt get alot of peace last night, i love my girls very much but they are a handful! i wouldnt have them any other way, both have got so much personality :D

    I'm amazed that your still at work, it takes alot to carry on like that. You must be made of strong stuff girl!!

    And you still have snow :shock: It snowed on Monday here and then dissappeared. How crap is that?lol

    Hope you have a good weekend Girl, keep in touch.

    The orb Fairy

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  • Posted

    Hi Melbi,

    I'm not really a tescos girl myself, bit too far out my comfort zone(asda) and too expensive! I love too laugh, it really is the best thing in the world, although i has got me into trouble a couple of times!

    I dont like the thought of having depression for ever, but get scared that if i every get over it what will i do?

    On the one hand i dont ever want to visit that black place ever again but i dont want my feelings to become numb! What if i dont get excited about christmas ever again ( i'm normally up hours before my daughter, wetting myself with execitment(sorry you didnt need that much info)). To up my doseage or change AD's fills me with dread! As you can probably tell, i want to waffle, i could waffle away til my hearts content! It makes me feel better to get whats going round my head out in the open, even if it's just about the price of rapeseed oil, which by the way is bloody expensive!!

    I want to make people smile! but the depression has now limited me to talking who i talk to. It has made me so paranoid about what people think of me! You see i'm an a conundrum! :lol:

    Thanks Melbi and Girl for taking the time out to reply to me smile

    Have a good weekend

    The orb fairy.x

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    even though it has rained all day we still have a fair amount of stubborn snow hanging around, so every night it is icy as hell - sorry bit of a contradiction there.

    Numbers eh, hats off to you - can't stand them! do my head in, although have recently managed to do my first suduko! I make glass vessels at the moment, having done my degree in 3 dimensional design and glass. Stupid depression means that my mind has been empty for a long time now - even while I was doing my degree - there is no imagination, colours and shapes don't tend to stay, they all turn to rot and dissolve

    :cry:

    I am so fed up of feeling like this. I can't face being at work but force myself to. If I was in a salaried job I would have been signed off ages ago.

    I ended up staying at a friends last night - scared myself when I was on my own cause didn't want to stop cutting myself and got an image of me in my room covered in blood. this isn't living is it, sometimes I wonder if it is even an existence. :? sad

    sorry this wasn't meant to be a totally miserable post just all came over me now on my own. sad

    anyway got to teach some first year students tomorrow so have loads of prep to do - not quite sure how that is going to happen right at this moment but we will see.

    Take care and enjoy any snow you get tonight (think we are stuck with rain) - oh yeah, if you want to see what I do I will pm you my website.

    Cheers for now

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    We had abit of snow the other night but it all disappeared by the morning. The northwest is rubbish at the moment :lol:

    I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so bad at the moment. have you cut yourself again? do you remember the scene in terminator 2 when he cuts away the skin on his arm to show hes a robot underneath? Thats my fantasy. Every time i think of self harm that image comes into my head.

    It is abit mad isnt it! :lol: Why cant we just gorge on chocolate when we have a bad day?!! Its good that you have somewhere to go. Does your friend know about the self harm? have you spoke to anyone about it?

    As for work, what is the worst thing that could happen? I'm sure you would be entitled to SSP, and then you would be entitled to benefits, Housing etc. Have a look into it and speak to you gp. It sounds like you need the break. at the moment i dont feel like i could ever go back to work.

    Have a think about it. If you would feel better to be off work at the moment then do that.

    If you want a laugh, i went abit mad at my session yesterday. Got myself worked up, started sweating, talking absolute s*** and i'm sure my hair was stuck out on end :D I must have looked mad!! I hope i'm not going to start with anxiety attacks, oh god i'd rather lose a leg! :lol:

    In all seriousness i bet he thinks i'm on something! i hate days like that. i cant remember anything, my perception goes, which makes driving abit difficult, and i drift off into a daydream, again makes driving abit difficult!

    Anyway i'll let you go, sorry waffled on abit.

    I would love to see what you do, and i would still like to see your drawing of your badly dressed imp.

    Take care of yourself Girl,

    i'm hear if you need me.

    The Orb fairy.x

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    I know the scene you mean and yeah I totally understand. Thats sort of how I was thinking when I did the cut that needed stitches. This time (for the last few days in fact) I have been cutting on my back - more like scratches really but every time I wear my rucksack etc I have a reminder. Also means I can't go deeper cause I can't see them, just feel them.

    Yeah my friend does know about what I did, as do a few others. I still don't like putting on them but know if I feel really bad they are there.

    Someone recently told me I might be entitled to working tax credits but I haven't managed to look into them yet. I have been teaching all morning and looks like my session will run into this pm as well. not sure how it has gone but now have to start the readings etc for my assignment, which is due very soon ARGH

    I can feel myself getting stressed about the sessions I have later this week. I have my cpn on thurs morning and the 2nd part of my eating disorders assessment on Fri morning. last time I felt terrible all weekend so worried I will again, esp as I am working at the pub Thurs, Fri, Sat night and sun lunch. hard enough anyway

    :oops: sad

    Anyway better go, got teaching to do. Take it easy and keep in touch.

    Girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Thanks for your message, there are some truely beautiful pieces :D

    It would be worth looking into, see what your entitled too!

    Dont worry about your appointments, if you get stressed just post a massive rant on here, let it all out! How is your eating at the mo?

    I'll let you go, good luck for the rest of the day and hope your teaching goes well.

    Not so good today, been sat here for an hour, my bum's gone numb and i cant find the motivation to go out and buy some juice! sad

    Take care

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  • Posted

    Hello,

    Obsessive thoughts, excessive worry, irrational beliefs and low opinions of yourself are all diverse symptoms of depression. Depression often has 'comorbidities', which just means it occurs hand in hand with other problems such as OCD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Eating Disorders, etc.

    Like the other person said, don't worry too much about the label 'depressed', it sounds like you are aware something isn't quite right for you, so just go with your feelings. Take the medication for at least 3-6 months and you should see an improvement. Keep seeing your doctor once a month to let him/her know how you are feeling as they may try other medicines or refer you to a psychologist.

    Good luck,

    xx

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Depreeion is such a complicated beast! There seems to be no hard and set rule to it, theres all different kinds of it. I get myself worked up because sometimes i dont seem to be suffering as bad as some of the people on this site and then other times i convince myself that this is incurable and i'm going to be like this forever!

    sorry i'm being abit negative today :oops:

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    feeling v neg today

    wasn't good last night either which was really annoying as my teaching went quite well and I got some good feedback from the students. I couldn't get my new internet connection to work last night and ended up trying to post on here using my phone - don't care about the cost - only I went to post and it lost the whole thing I had written GRRRR :evil: sad

    just don't care

    feel so numb

    want to hide from the world and not come out again.

    :cry:

    sorry so neg today, hate always posting neg stuff, when am I going to be normal?

    think the same as you re not as bad as some but then hit rock bottom again :oops: :? sad

    think I need to have some time off, esp as I think I have pi**ed my boss off about something. I don't know what is stressing me worse, my appoints or the fact I am going to have to work all weekend. I don't think I can face it. why is it all going wrong again.

    :cry: :x

    hope going shopping has helped.

    cheers for now

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Dont let it all get on top of you (haha like i can talk). I'd speak to your gp and get a sicknote for abit. Concentrate on one thing at a time.

    Glad your teaching went well, you should take all the postives from that and keep hold of them smile

    Dont worry about being negative. it happens to us all.

    the orb fairy.xx

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