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Lately i've been thinking that i cant be depressed! ( i'm such a f@*! up me, a couple of days ago i was convinced i was bipolar! lmao)
I keep reading about other peoples experiences and mine dont seem to fit in! I can get out of bed in the morning, i'm at my best in the morning the world is full of opportunities! At night is when it all gets to me and i realise i'm all alone. maybe i'm not depressed but just lonely?
I've had no side affects from the fluoxetine, my sleep pattern has always been irregular and my dreams have always been bad!
But then i have felt worse than i feel now. 3 to 4 years ago i could barely move or stop crying, it took all my effort to look after my daughter and keep working. I used to lie awake at night fantising about bathing in bleach and cutting my own skin off! (sorry if anyones eating! :oops: ) I couldn't stand anyone to come near me, even my daughter! I feel very ashamed of what i put her though.
I'm over that bit now, i've tried soo hard over the years to change, to be a better person! then ever 2 to 3 years i falls to pieces!
I started this jornery 18 months ago! it's taken along time for someone to actually listen to me, i've been turned down before because i'm always trying to be positive and active! Who knew that trying to help yourself would alienate you! :shock:
Yesterday i felt good, how could i be depressed? i have my little routine and all is good in the world. Then i relise i'm still stuck in my own little bubble, i dont venture out of my comfort zone. i wont put myself in a situation where i dont know the outcome. Does this make sense? By example, i wont ring or text people in case they dont answer because then i would get myself worked up! I dont go into town because i'm frightened i will bump into the people who have hurt me the most and that will open up a whole can of worms and i never want to go there again!
Even as i'm writing this it makes no sense.
In the past 24 hours i've gone from happy and content to angry because someone had posted a comment on facebook that all kids need their dad! (i'm a single mum, dad isn't in the picture he died 5 yrs ago) It was completely irrational, it's just a comment! :oops:
This morning i've been on the verge of tears walking around tesco :shock: And i dont really know why, i mean i dont really like tescos but its nothing to get upset about!
What the flipping eck is wrong with me? My life makes no sense!
I know i've been depressed in the past, but i dont feel like that now. Does that mean that i was depressed then and not now, or i have bouts of depression or is it aways there and sometimes i can cope and tame it and other times i cant. I do feel like abit of a fraud when i read other posts! i dont feel that despair! But then i look at my previous post and i must have felt that :?
I've had to come home to post this because there is noone i can talk to about this, it would make no sense to anyone. There must be something wrong with me to be blabbering on here like an idiot!
I'm sorry i'll stop now!
I wish i could make sense of what i feel, then it would be easier to talk. i feel like such a contridiction!
Next week i will probably go mad and start an insane rant about jam!! :lol:
Oh Melbi, if you read this the carrot cake was abit rubbish! Maybe thats what started all this? my crap skills in the kitchen!
I'm sorry to take up your time, ignore me if this sounds like a load of rubbish!
the orb fairy.
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