I feel like a fraud!

Posted , 6 users are following.

Lately i've been thinking that i cant be depressed! ( i'm such a f@*! up me, a couple of days ago i was convinced i was bipolar! lmao)

I keep reading about other peoples experiences and mine dont seem to fit in! I can get out of bed in the morning, i'm at my best in the morning the world is full of opportunities! At night is when it all gets to me and i realise i'm all alone. maybe i'm not depressed but just lonely?

I've had no side affects from the fluoxetine, my sleep pattern has always been irregular and my dreams have always been bad!

But then i have felt worse than i feel now. 3 to 4 years ago i could barely move or stop crying, it took all my effort to look after my daughter and keep working. I used to lie awake at night fantising about bathing in bleach and cutting my own skin off! (sorry if anyones eating! :oops: ) I couldn't stand anyone to come near me, even my daughter! I feel very ashamed of what i put her though.

I'm over that bit now, i've tried soo hard over the years to change, to be a better person! then ever 2 to 3 years i falls to pieces!

I started this jornery 18 months ago! it's taken along time for someone to actually listen to me, i've been turned down before because i'm always trying to be positive and active! Who knew that trying to help yourself would alienate you! :shock:

Yesterday i felt good, how could i be depressed? i have my little routine and all is good in the world. Then i relise i'm still stuck in my own little bubble, i dont venture out of my comfort zone. i wont put myself in a situation where i dont know the outcome. Does this make sense? By example, i wont ring or text people in case they dont answer because then i would get myself worked up! I dont go into town because i'm frightened i will bump into the people who have hurt me the most and that will open up a whole can of worms and i never want to go there again!

Even as i'm writing this it makes no sense.

In the past 24 hours i've gone from happy and content to angry because someone had posted a comment on facebook that all kids need their dad! (i'm a single mum, dad isn't in the picture he died 5 yrs ago) It was completely irrational, it's just a comment! :oops:

This morning i've been on the verge of tears walking around tesco :shock: And i dont really know why, i mean i dont really like tescos but its nothing to get upset about!

What the flipping eck is wrong with me? My life makes no sense!

I know i've been depressed in the past, but i dont feel like that now. Does that mean that i was depressed then and not now, or i have bouts of depression or is it aways there and sometimes i can cope and tame it and other times i cant. I do feel like abit of a fraud when i read other posts! i dont feel that despair! But then i look at my previous post and i must have felt that :?

I've had to come home to post this because there is noone i can talk to about this, it would make no sense to anyone. There must be something wrong with me to be blabbering on here like an idiot!

I'm sorry i'll stop now!

I wish i could make sense of what i feel, then it would be easier to talk. i feel like such a contridiction!

Next week i will probably go mad and start an insane rant about jam!! :lol:

Oh Melbi, if you read this the carrot cake was abit rubbish! Maybe thats what started all this? my crap skills in the kitchen!

I'm sorry to take up your time, ignore me if this sounds like a load of rubbish!

the orb fairy.

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    although most of the day has been rubbish I have now managed to get the internet working so even if I feel terrible at least I can post on here :D

    filled with dread when think about going to work but know if I don't go I won't be able to pay the rent and it won't make going for any of my other shifts any easier. As it is only a cash in hand job I am not sure that being signed off would have much effect and anyway bit hard to sign yourself off when you are self-employed.

    oh well will see how I feel tomorrow.

    Hope you have been well and had a good day

    Cheers

    Girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Sorry my reply wasnt very helpful. :oops: Had a bad night last night, my niece fell off the sofa and may have a black eye. My daughter and i played a board game and she lost! On my god, she got herself worked up, anyone listening would have thought i beat her. I got myself worked up. i think at one point we were all in tears! lol Bloody kids!!

    Feel abit more positive this morning, i'm going to do something with my day.

    What made your day bad?

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    not really sure, just can't seem to shake it at the moment. got cpn appoint in less than an hour and then work later. can't get enthusiastic about anything. don't know what to do.

    have to go now as bit of a walk to my appointment but will prob post later.

    hope your niece is ok.

    Glad you feeling more positive - what have you decided to do today? more cooking?

    catch you later

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    I've decided to make an appointment with a job center type place, and going to rearrange daughters bedroom. smile

    My niece is fine, has a black eye, but went with her dad today so expecting fall out from his family! dreading that because they'll just have a go at my sister!

    How are you today?

    Hope your appointment goes well.

    speak soon.

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    was really quite anxious at my appointment and she picked up on it. Was talking much louder and faster than I normally do. Nearly burst into tears when I said about wanting to feel like me again. :oops: sad She reckons it is best if I take respiridone on a regular basis for a while, still on a small dose but hopes it will help with my anxiety levels. Have just had half a tablet as worried about work but don't know how sleepy it is going to make me.

    :? :oops: hope I don't mess up at work.

    I have also managed to go to the CAB and find out about working tax credits so hopefully I can get some help and will be able to afford to have some time off when I find it all too much.

    So I guess all in all I have had an up and down day, at least I have achieved stuff - I am sorting out my ipod now - only had it since Nov but haven't had the internet. Some things are worth the wait.

    Anyway take it easy, hope the job centre thing/sorting room out goes well.

    keep in touch

    girl

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  • Posted

    hi orb

    OMG that was hard work - feeling so drained after this morning. got to go back in another 2 weeks, don't know if this still assessment or what. got to keep the food diary going as well but make it more reader friendly as it took him ages to work stuff out.

    a good friend has offered to work for me tonight but not sure if i should take her up on it - will still have to work tomorrow and if anything like last time I am going to be feeling like this all weekend.

    hope you doing ok.

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    What did you have to do this morning? sorry if you've said before but i've got a memory like a colinder.lol

    Maybe you should take her up on her offer, go and do something relaxing for the night, go to the pictures or rent afilm and invite a friend over, or go bowling!! Yeah that would be good, wish i could go! :D Or maybe just have a bath and read a book!

    Sometimes this sounds easier said than done, i know!

    I'm abit crap at the mo sad

    Got to do something about it!

    Have a good fri the 13th smile

    The orb fairy

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  • Posted

    Hi Orb

    had the 2nd part of eating disorder assessment this morning, were delving around into my childhood. more to go in the next session.

    part of me really wants to take the night off as don't want to be around people but my boss not happy with me anyway so think will work - can't cope with the grief I would get/perceive if I got someone to cover my shift this late. don't want to work at all. sad although less likely to get anyone to cover tomorrow as valentines. it sounds really sad but I can't think of anyone who would want to spend any time with me. oh shut up hans stop moaning. have no energy to be the happy barmaid anymore.

    hows you? hopefully not still feeling crap. Is it half term next week for your daughter?

    take it easy

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Why do you think noone would want to spend time with you? How did you feel after your assessment. I always get tired half way through my sessions! Daft isnt it, talking to someone for an hour wears me out :shock:

    I've had better days, need to sort myself out!

    My daughter is on holiday next week, what are we going to do?

    How did work go last night?

    Hope your well today.

    The orb fairy

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  • Posted

    hi orb

    I know what you mean, why is it so tiring?! as always felt drained after appointment but I haven't had such a bad reaction as I did last time, in fact today (sat) has been quite good. One of those rare days when I got dressed up and put make up on to go to work. still can't cope with compliments about looking good but felt like making an effort. Even ironed a shirt - first time I have ironed anything in years!

    feeling a bit freaked out now - hence still being awake but almost felt like the old me today. have no idea how long it will last but trying to enjoy it. part of me thinks its because I am taking the respiridone on a more regular basis which means my anxiety levels have dropped hugely - although saying that I didn't take any today so not sure how that is going to effect me tomorrow. Have work again at 12 so really better try and get some sleep.

    How old is your daughter? Can you do a nature treasure hunt or something like it? am doing a teaching qualification at the moment (well trying to) so pm me of you want any ideas for half term.

    going to try and sleep now so take it easy and keep in touch

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    Sounds like you had a brilliant day yeaterday! Keep up the good work! :D

    My little girl is 6 and any ideas would be welcome we need to keep ourselves occupied!

    I managed to get in touch with an old friend and although it took a few hours to pluck up the courage, i told them that im ill and need someone to talk to!

    Hope you have a good day today!

    Speak to you soon

    The orb fairy.

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  • Posted

    hi orb

    have tried to keep yesterday going but not so good today, not as bad as i can be though :? have prob had more gin and tonics than is good for me but don't care. made an effort to dress up for work again today - I hate heels! went to some live music in a pub tonight and earlier made a concerted effort to talk to my boss - not the best person in the world for small talk, esp when I think the person isn't liking me at the mo, although that could be me being paranoid (good at that :oopssmile

    6 is such a lovely age, full of enquiry and enthusiasm, hard work though I bet! I am glad you spoke to an old friend and i hope they will be a good support to you. I know how much effort/courage it takes to tell people you care about/trust etc so huge well done for that :D

    email me through my website and I will give you some ideas for half term activities, quite happy to speak on phone as well if you want.

    take it easy

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hi the orb fairy yes they can b hard work cant they i have a 8yr old neice and a 13yr old nephew (i play a huge part of thier lives in contact with them every day have helped bring them up from babies as my sister on her own). Is there a local sports centre or swimming pool that does activities or may b do some baking with her or involve her in helpin prepare her meals. I have 1 day a week when we dont care about the mess and we get the paints and glue and all the messy things out and have wot we call a carpet party (a bit like a finger buffet and the 1 day we dont mind junk food most of it done by my niece). If your not much of a baker u can buy just sponge cakes or cookies and u can get tubes of wrightin icing from the local super markets and decorate them. Its just a few ideas sorry its mainly in the kitchen but i am a chef by trade and its a bit of a hard habbit 2 break and i have my own buisness. Good luck and have fun.
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  • Posted

    Hi Shadow,

    I'm not much of a cook and the kids are usually too busy eating the ingredients to actually bake something!lol

    Another idea is to go and get a cheap roll of lining paper or use old wallpaper, somepaper plates and a load of paint! It was brilliant!! kept them happy for an hour and a half! Word of warning tho, make sure you have a bath ready and waiting for when they finish! And make sure its just poster paint, my kitchen was covered. My niece had given up on the paper and painted the floor instead and my cupboards and the washing machine!! :D

    I wish i was better and could do more fun stuff like this!

    One day i'll get there!!

    Thanks for your reply, didnt realise you had your own business! Hows it going?

    Take care

    The orb fairy

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  • Posted

    Hi orb, it goin well only wish i could say same about self i feel like im livin a life of death feel lke not here wish i say more or unerstand. x
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