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I needed to post this somewhere because I feel so lonely, helpless and weak.
I have been suffering from anxiety for a while now and I'm on medication from the doctors. It does help, but my thought process is still very negative and self destructive. Any way, I have been having overwhemling emotions of worthlessness and failure. To make matters worse I have just recieved my exam results back to find out I have achieved a low mark in my first year of law at university. This will be a big hinderence in my career and now I have just lost hope in ever attaining a good job that will offer me a good quality of life. I have always put a lot of pressure of myself to achieve highly and make something of my life but this way of thinking is very tiring and upsetting. It has made me feel like I have no abilites and like I'm just bad at everything, for example, my memory is shocking and I find it difficult to remember details.
I have also started to loose a lot of self-confidence which means that when I have something important to go, like a job interview, I'm always very shy and I can't get to my thoughts because I'm so nervous. When I do get bursts of confidence I think I confuse people into thinking I'm a very confident and happy person. When my facade fades I am shy again and a bit of an introvert which I think people think I am being rude. It's all very confusing for me and I'm starting to become less socially aware and I'm finding it difficult to build connections with people which can be very lonely.
Another factor which has made me feel very unhappy is that by moving to university I only see my boyfriend at the weekend. I know this is pathetic to be saddend by this but I can't help feeling very weak and all alone when he is not around. I do live with him when I'm back home, but throughout term time I'm 3 hours away from him. I think this plays into why I feel like I have no purpose in life because for the 3 and a half years I have been with him, he has become the only thing I really know and see a future with. He is also the complete opposite of me - very pragmatic, happy, takes each day as it comes, successful and he's just very content with his life and he often gets compliments on how nice of a person he is (he's very placid and patient). This makes me feel like a failure next to him as he's a lot better of handling life than I am and makes a good impression on everyone he meets. I love him for that at the same time though but just wish I could be more like he is.
I don't have a fantastic relationship with my mum or dad. My mum is a mental health nurse and has no time for my "anxiety", telling me to stop being so judgemental of myself and just get on with life. She's always very negative about me and my emotions, with little empathy for what I'm feeling on the inside. She's never been good at understanding me and I've never really got on with her. She has however always put a roof over my head, took me on some fantasitc holidays, paid for all my law books I need for uni etc. I think providing for me is her way of showing she cares, but the relationship with her is more important to me. With my dad, we have never had a proper bond since he and my mum split up when I was 10 (I'm 20 now). He has a new wife (who is lovely) and now I have the most fantastic little brother and sister a person could ask for. However, when I go around to his house it's basically just to see my brother and sister. My mum pulled me into their drama when I was younger when she told me my dad had cheated on her with 2 women, one of which I was introduced to (when my mum and dad where still together because we didn't know she was anything but a friend at the time). When I found this out I confronted him about it (around age 13) because I wanted to stick up for my mum who I felt was the victim. This led to us not speaking for 6 months and things have been rocky ever since.
The point of all this is me trying to explain the possibility of why I feel the way I do and hopefully someone could advise me on what to do next. Right now I feel like I don't know where to find happiness in life, my opportunities are limited and I just want to stay in bed forever, closed off from the world around me.
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